How Many Kids?

This guy is nice. Seems normal. I know it's too soon to tell, but I have a good feeling. Steady job. Rents a nice apartment. Has friends. Goes to the gym. And picked a lovely place for us to meet for lunch. Said they have the best ravioli around. What self-respecting Italian wouldn't jump at that chance? He's considerate, thoughtful, pulls my chair out for me. Even called the restaurant ahead to request the table by the fireplace on this chilly, rainy day. (Are we getting the idea he's done this before, perhaps???)

We share 3 kinds of ravioli and lots of conversation. It's all pleasant, he's funny (in the way most accountants are funny...) and I think he's really sincere about finding a great girl to settle down with. I'm just starting to get comfortable when his cell phone rings.

I know what you're thinking. Turn your phone off on a date, dumb ass!!! But he checks it and apologizes profusely at me "I'm so sorry, I normally would never take a call right now but it's my mom. Do you mind if I answer it?" What am I gonna say, no?!?! Don't answer a phone call from your mother while we're out cause let's face it, that's a little strange. But here comes the clincher: "I'm worried it could be about my grandmother."

Alright, I have an 86 year old grandfather at home, I know the feeling. Answer the damn phone. (Hangs head in shame.)

After a few short minutes of him saying things like "Mom, I told you I'm out...yes she's really pretty...Grandma's ok then?...I'll call you later...um, I don't know if that's a good idea...ok, hold on I'll ask her..." he hands the phone to me. "My mom wants to say hi."

(Insert crickets chirping here.)

Stunned, I take the phone from him and say hello Mrs. __________. She starts chattering away like I've been dating her son for years now and this isn't our FIRST DATE. Seriously, who calls in the middle of a first date and asks to talk to the girl??? And who agrees to this? But I smile through it and make pleasant conversation all the while trying not to choke on my lemonade, regretting my choice not to order a mid-afternoon glass of wine which would have come in really, really handy right about now.

I'm just about to hand the phone back to her son when she asks me how many children I want to have. Now I've gleaned from our conversation that he's an only child of divorced parents so I've got two ways to go with this. A) Break her heart and tell her I don't want children at all so she'll never be getting any grandkids outta me. B) Give her a false glimmer of hope and save any shred of dignity this man had left before his mommy called on our date. I opt for the latter and tell her 5. I want 5 kids.

I swear to you, she starts crying, she's so happy. Shoulda gone with plan A.

I think about that date now and how sad he was when I thanked him for lunch but told him I probably wouldn't be calling again. He still emails me and says his mom misses me and wishes I'd give him another shot. Yeah, I definitely made the right call there.

Sorry, Mom.

Wide Hips

"Wow!" I turn around. "Wow!" again. "Wow what?" I ask. "This is very forward of me, but I think you're gorgeous." (Well, duh!!!) He chats along and I discover he's an architect, has got a house in Connecticut and loves spending his free time doing water sports. Ok, I can work with that... then he delves into how natural a beauty I am and how he's looking for a woman with good core values and a sense of family. Interesting start.

The conversation quickly takes a turn into Weirdsville when he "compliments" my wide hips. Excuse me? "I know this is not typical, most guys are looking for skinny, stick figure models, but you're nothing like that. I love a woman with curves. Wide hips, big ass. I think you're just perfect."

Ok, Pause!!! I have blue / green eyes with bright yellow centers. He didn't notice that. I have long, thick blonde hair my stylist wants to kill me for. He didn't notice that. I'm 5'9 which is pretty tall for a girl but he didn't say anything about that. My hips??? My wide child-bearing hips??? This is what he chose to "compliment" me on???

He stared at me, mouth open, as I walked away without saying another word.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be a size 2. And I'm ok with that. More than ok. I'm happy with my size, shape and figure. I love that I more closely resemble the Renaissance painting women than the emaciated fashion icons we have today. I am by no means a candidate for the Biggest Loser, nor America's Next Top Model. There is a comfortable medium between these two extremes and that is the category I fall into. Normal woman.

But menfolk, just so you know... "wide hips" is still not taken as a compliment.

Caffeine Withdrawal

For my dearest loyal fans,

Thank you for hanging in there with me. I know I've been "on hiatus" but I'm back and better than ever. I can promise you many more months of laughter at my expense, through several disastrous dates bound to go horribly wrong. Why? Because I've sorted through all the New York City has to offer (and Long Island, New Jersey and parts of Connecticut for that matter) and realized that most of the men I've met are crazy. Hands down weirdos in one way or another. And while this sort of interaction doesn't land me any closer to marriage and children, it is at the very least entertaining to the masses and makes for great conversations. The book will come out one day soon, maybe even followed by a movie where I shall be played by Reese Witherspoon (a girl can dream, can't she???) And then torturing myself by sipping and chatting my way through 100 Cups of Coffee will all have been worth it. And who knows? Maybe there's 1 out of 100 who's close to normal? Suggestions welcome!!!

Love, Me