Good People

Hi Kim:

I have been following your blog for a long time and I have turned my family and friends on to your journey as well.  I saw your post about there being good people out there and just had an opinion I wanted to share...

When you say "There are good people out there.  NEVER stop believing that" I say, there are a lot more good people in this world than there are bad.  It is hard to believe that, when you are trying to find a good mate, a partner, a lover. Based on your blog, you have had your share of losers and idiots!  Me too!  

You are an incredible person and deserve to be loved by and to give love to someone who is everything you are!  It may take more than 100 cups of coffee and you may need to drink some tea and hot chocolate along the way but the right person is out there. They will show up in your life when you least expect it!

I think what you have been doing is the hardest thing I have ever seen anyone do but I am very inspired by your journey because it took guts and a whole lot of heart!  Your strength is not lost on those of us who look past the reading of your blog to the heart of who you are!  You are remarkable and need to remember that it is going to take someone who is also remarkable to be your match.

I am so happy that through this project you learned how strong you truly are.  You have the ability to inspire and to make people laugh at themselves.  That, Kimberly, is a rare gift! I wish you nothing but happiness and joy in the rest of your journey and in your life.  I look forward to continue reading your blog and hope that love finds you.  You deserve it! 

Anne

Dear Anne, 

One of these days, I won't cry when a reader sends me a heart warming email. That day is not today.

I can't express to you how truly grateful I am that you reached out to me with this letter. It means so much that you took the time to actually sit down and compose a thoughtful message - I'm incredibly appreciative. 

The thing I've learned throughout the project is that I am stronger, smarter, and braver than I gave myself credit for. I didn't really know that before. I just thought I was another silly girl looking to do something with my time and dating is one of those ridiculous things everybody has gone through. My teachers always said "Write what you know" so I've always written about boys, love, dating, relationships. Seriously, since I was like 8 years old! It's just that now I'm 30 and the stakes are higher, hearts get broken and take longer to heal, and the wounds are much deeper than they were all those years ago. 

Regardless of where I've come from or what I've been through, the thing I've never lost is my faith. Ok, confession: I started to lose it when Kit and I broke up. There were definitely some moments in there that I thought "I can NOT go through this again. I won't survive it this time." But as it turns out, I'd gotten stronger, not weaker. And that is the side of me I wanted readers to see. I'm proud of how far I've come from that sad divorced girl crying on the living room floor that her husband is never coming home. I don't torture myself with sappy music or old photos anymore. I'm just a better person for it and despite all evidence to the contrary, I do believe that there are good people out there. I believe in soul mates. I believe in love. And no one can take that away from me. 

Wishing you a lifetime of love, 

Kimberly Spice

Out of the Darkness, Into the Light

Hello my dear,

Well, I'm in California, I'm home alone (happy about that for tonight but tomorrow it will get old - how about you?)

I'm sure that many people are trying to connect with you around your project/book. It's brilliant and savvy and what so many women need.

Here's the kicker -- you have the one thing I have the most trouble with --- honesty despite the mess ups.  I have the hardest time admitting I fucked up.

Recently, I let a guy into my life that seriously harmed me. Most people would take years to recover from what I just went through -- same goes for your situation -- but we won't let them win -- we are too smart and strong to let them win. EVEN if they fool us twice, we are more resilient than they ever will be, simply because we are women and we have each other.

Yes, you definitely help many more than just one person in your journey. You've already helped me and I only found you a weekish ago.

Thank you so very much for showing me the way in one of the biggest areas I struggle with.

To sisterhood,

Dee

PS: For more information on the group I started, Declaring Recovery, visit our facebook page here:

Declaring Recovery

Dee,

I totally get what you're saying about the absolute honesty issue. A LOT of women have been in your shoes (and mine) and hidden themselves from the world. The phrase I hear a lot is "hibernate" --- they want to bury their heads in the sand or hide under the covers or sleep in a dark cave until all the hurt, all the heartache disappears. 

Frankly, I can't promise that it ever will. What if you wake up 5 days, 5 months, 5 years from now and it's still there? It still hurts? Are you going to go right back under the covers and never come out again? NO! Of course not. When we hide, they win. And by "they" I mean the men who broke our hearts. Success is the sweetest revenge. We have to come out of our shells, step out into the light and live our lives. It will be bright. It may even burn your eyes a little bit. Just like those first few rays of morning sunshine, it takes us time to adapt from the darkness. Blink back the tears and carry on. You might stumble along the way because you still can't see the path clearly and that's ok! No one gets it right the first time out and no one expects you to. Stop judging yourself by the mistakes you've made. Judge yourself instead on how many times you can proudly say "I tried for something." Maybe you think you failed at it, but I am willing to bet that you learned a lesson or two along the way. Life is our greatest teacher if we let it be. Allow yourself the time to heal but then please, please move on. Don't let anyone control you, your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions. Be the boss of your own brain (and your own body) so that people can't hurt you in the way you've been hurt before. Learn those lessons, tough though they may be. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you will come back from it bigger and better than ever before. 

Yes, I've been hurt. I've been torn down, messed up, fucked over, and everything in between. I've had my heart broken, my life ruined, and I've had to start over three times now. Is it easy? No. I'm not going to lie to you or sugar coat anything. It's hard. Sometimes, it sucks. I've spent those nights alone on my couch crying because I wish I was with someone but then I have also spent nights relishing that I am accountable to no one but myself. I have full control of the remote. I choose what to eat for dinner. I can stay up all night with a good book and a cup of tea if I want. I hog the covers. I devour cole slaw at midnight by the light of the refrigerator. I spend hours grooming in the bathroom giving myself a pedicure or a facial or whatever the hell I feel like that day. I am in charge of my own life and that in itself is a beautiful feeling. 

Someday, there will be a man by my side who loves me, who treats me well, who respects me. A man who is honest with me, deserves my trust, is faithful and loyal and all the other things my ex was not. Someday, there will be a ring on my finger, Egyptian cotton sheets on my marital bed, beautiful children fast asleep down the hallway, and hot pancakes for breakfast. Someday, all those dreams I've been working towards will come true. I've never lost faith in that and you shouldn't either. What keeps me going strong is my readers - readers like you - who let me know every day that I am not alone, that I am not the only one going through this, that they are lonely too. Being completely honest in a world where people keep stuff like this secret is no easy task. My girlfriends either adore my blog or are horrified that I share everything. No experience is off limits. Nothing is too taboo. My mother calls it 'airing my dirty laundry for all the world to see' but think about Katie Couric getting her colonoscopy on television! Was she embarrassed about sharing that intimate process with millions of people? Yes, I'm sure she was. But if she saved even one life, if even one person got checked out because she went first, then her job is done. That's what I am doing on 100 Cups of Coffee. Hoping that by exposing the good, the bad and the ugly (not *just* the good), some girl some where will be brave enough to take a risk in her own life. She will go on a first date, or tell her friends she's not over her ex, or kick that abusive bastard to the curb. Whatever the situation is, if I've helped even one reader grow, it's mission accomplished for me. 

So thank you for reaffirming everything I do here. It really makes a difference to hear from actual readers. You've warmed my tiny, broken heart!

Wishing you luck and love, 

Kimberly Spice

The Unicorn Theory

My friend Allie is one of the awesomest people I know. She's a sorority sister from my college days although we met a year before either of us pledged, back in the freshman dorms. We crushed on cute boys together, ate in the cafeteria together, and wore pajamas to all our 8 am classes together. Super tight!

Anywho, when he-who-shall-not-be-named and I broke up, I drove two hours north to visit Allie and escape my life for a while. Coming home to the apartment I'd shared with him was simply too painful so I jumped in my car on a five state road trip. Let's just say I made equally good use of my BlueTooth and my iPod during those long, lonely hours on I-95. It was all worth it though, to spend some quality nights with my besties, all spread around the NorthEast.

Allie & I were chatting about the stupidity of men over a few glasses of chardonnay when she busted out her theory of the universe. You see, she's got this great guy friend who goes shopping with her, knows how to dance, and is actually a very decent human being. I know what you're thinking: he's got to be gay? And yet, he's surprisingly straight.

Rocco is a straight, single man with no baggage. He has never been married, has no children, is nobody's baby daddy. He dresses well, owns a car, has his own apartment. He works in a steady job earning a good income and has really nice friends. He comes from a good family, has an excellent education and treats everyone with respect. He holds open doors, pulls out chairs, and will hold your purse while you shop. Actually, he'll pick out a beautiful, expensive purse for you and surprise you with a "just because" gift - which is ten times better. Rocco enjoys cooking, knows how to dance, and loves to snuggle.

Once again, I remind you: this man is straight.

Allie confronted him with her theory on his dating life (and I quote):
     "You're a fucking unicorn."

"Men like you don't exist. Women like me hear about guys like you, we have seen pictures, imagined you for years, but we've never met you in person. We dream you up in our minds, wonder how we'd react if we ever actually came across you, but at the end of the day, you're a mythical creature. You can't meet a nice girl because she's going to spend the entire time you're together asking herself what the hell is wrong with you. Trying to figure out why you're single. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are a figment of her overactive imagination. You are a fucking unicorn."

Seeing as every man I've ever loved is married, gay, or dead, I am right there with Allie on this Unicorn Theory. The good ones are always taken, and the guys who aren't taken are usually single for a reason. We may not know the reason, but it's always there. Rocco's case is unique in that (as far as we can tell) there is nothing mentally, physically, or emotionally wrong with him. He's just a truly great guy with no baggage that happens to be single.

Do you know what this means, ladies? It means, he's out there! Walking around among us: a nice, normal, single, straight guy who is looking for a sweet, wonderful, normal girl to love. A girl just like you!

Where there's one, there's usually more. Look for your unicorn, girls. And don't stop until you find him!

Two By Two

Most of you know by now my feelings on Valentine's Day (in summary: NOT good!) I've always had a boyfriend or husband to "celebrate" with, although that never quite seems to work out either. Eighteen disappointing V-Days in a row is what we call a losing streak. There are two ways to approach the imminent, candy coated holiday: A) Stay home and whine, hiding my face from the world, pretending the day doesn't exist or B) Do something about it!

Last year, I went out with my girlfriends for wine, cheese and gossip. They were the best company I could have asked for and it wasn't nearly as depressing as V-Days past. Felt like just another rainy Monday night in New York City where friends, food, and booze were the norm. This year, Doomsday takes place on a Tuesday (ooh, that rhymes!) and I am hosting a whole spread of pre-emptive strikes leading up to the awful occasion.

I'm super excited to host my first I Hate Valentine's Day but I Love Chocolate Passion Party. It's cupcakes and sex toys - how fun is that??? Let's face facts, ladies: when you're in a relationship, you're very generous to your lover. But when you're single, the only person pleasing you is yourself! My girlfriends deserve a chance to shop for some personal pleasures to ease the loneliness of their singlehood. (Or just make hooking up with random guys that much more exciting. No judgement!)

I'm also throwing an I Hate V-Day party with bumper bowling and bar hopping. There will be rock n roll music, laser lights, and fried food. Have to say, this probably beats out any lame, last minute date I could come up with! I get to be with other awesome people who just wanna have a good time, throw back a few drinks, knock down a few pins, and talk trash about our coupled off friends (no offense, peeps!)

The frustrating part is that some of my coupled off friends (who shall remain nameless) want to come to the Bowling for Singles party. Yes, it's going to be awesome but I'm afraid that having them there defeats the purpose of unattached people having a Friday night comfort zone. Every time one half of the couple gets a strike, they're gonna start making out in a congratulatory fashion and I might have to kill them.

Plus, my cousin pointed out this fact: "I can't go away on vacation to a Sandals or a Beaches or one of those couples only resorts so they don't get to come to rock n bowl with booze and cupcakes. There are plenty of occasions I am invited to with a date - weddings and all that bull shit - and people look at you funny if you don't have a boyfriend. This is the one time I'm encouraged to come without a date. They don't get to rub their twosomes in our face. Sorry."

She's completely right. Think about it! The world is made for twosomes. Right from the start of creation, Noah told the animals to get on the ark two by two. The zebras, the giraffes, the elephants. I can't help thinking that the poor little unicorn got stood up at the last minute (likely because her unicorn boyfriend was passed out drunk in the woods) and she literally missed the boat, obliterating her from existence for all eternity.

What about animals that didn't have partners? What about the one-offs? The singles? They couldn't pro-create so they just got left behind? The creatures who couldn't find their perfect match had front row seats to the wrath of God, getting washed away by the flood? If this isn't motivation to "settle down" then I don't know what is.

We feel the pressure to couple off coming from every direction. It's in the books we read, the movies we watch, our family's pitying faces, the facebook statuses we wish we could hide. People happy in their relationships, making more and more babies, living their wonderful lives with their wonderful new families. I do NOT begrudge anyone their happiness. You will vividly recall my own nauseating updates about being blissfully involved with a man I thought held my future in his hands. I wanted all those things with him and am still convinced that I will have them someday (with a man far, far more deserving of me.) In the meantime, I want to celebrate my single-dom for the first time in my adult life.

Here's the thing: with each passing hour, each passing day, I break a new record for the longest time I've ever been single. I have been going into, involved with, or coming out of a relationship since I was fifteen years old. Even throughout this project, I've always had a date (or twelve) lined up. There was no time for girlfriends, no time for ME. This Valentine's Day is not about fighting the system, going against the grain, or resenting couples who have found their other half. It's about celebrating being single and since Hallmark has yet to assign a day for that, we are taking one over for ourselves.

I am a unicorn: sparkly, beautiful, magical and mysterious. Just because I haven't met another unicorn yet does not mean that the world gets to leave me behind. It means that the boat isn't leaving until I get on it.

Once Upon A Time

All great love stories begin with Once Upon A Time. We are read them from our infancy, these fairy tales, these Happily Ever Afters. We know the characters inside and out, often better than we know our own friends. We grew up with Cinderella dreaming of a life away from sweeping the floors, Rapunzel escaping the tower, Sleeping Beauty waking from Malificent's evil spell. These princesses consumed our waking lives as little girls, covering our rooms in wall to wall pink and purple, wearing sparkly dresses any chance we got, and walking around in tiny tiaras demanding our parents address us by our royal names. 


(I'm assuming you all did this and it wasn't just me?)


Disney films filled our worlds with magic, with the possibility that even on our worst date, even after we've been chased through the woods by a hunter trying to cut out our heart, a handsome prince would ride in, kiss us, and we'd be free from all the chains that previously bound us. 


(Except in the case of Belle. She mostly sang about bread and freed the Beast from his awful fate. For both these reasons, the girl has my endless respect.)


So when ABC launched Once Upon A Time on Sunday nights, of course I was going to watch it. It's the back story behind all the characters you *thought* you knew and I'm hooked. Completely fascinated. The show is beautifully shot, the cast is stellar, but more than that, it's really thought provoking especially for a hopeless romantic like me.


This week's episode was about Snow White who is in love with Prince James (whom she affectionately dubs "Charming"). They met when she stole some jewels from him, he found her in the forest, he saved her from the Queen's henchmen, she saved him from some trolls, and basically, they totally fell for each other. Long story short, he is promised to King Midas's daughter from the neighboring kingdom so that his father gets lots of gold and the people there can survive. A LOT rests on James marrying the insufferable Abigail but he's smitten with Snow White. What's a prince to do?


Two days before the wedding, he writes to her saying something along the lines of "If you love me the way I love you, please come find me. I'll call the wedding off and be yours forever." She goes (duh!) and is caught by the king who threatens to kill James (not Snow White, he'll kill his own son) if she doesn't walk in there and tell James she doesn't love him, never has and never will. Unable to bear the thought of harm coming to her beloved on her account, she tells James she doesn't love him and walks away in tears. 


Earlier that night, Snow White had saved Grumpy's life so he shows up with the other dwarves to take her home and protect her. Their conversation is as follows:




Snow White: The only thing that needed protecting is destroyed. My heart.


Grumpy: It will get better.


Snow: Yes. Yes it will. This will take all of my feelings, all of my pain and destroy them.
       [Takes out magic potion to erase her love for Prince Charming, bought from Rumplestiltskin] 
      
Grumpy: No!


Snow: Why? You of all people should understand. You've lost love.


Grumpy: I don't want my pain erased. As wretched as it is, I need my pain. It makes me who I am. It makes me Grumpy.



Why am I telling you all this? What does it have to do with my dating life? The answer is EVERYTHING!


Let's think for a minute about love and relationships. People break up, we all know that. Unless you married the first and only person you ever dated (which is a very select percentage of the population), you have been through a break up. Depending how long you were together and how deep the level of your involvement was, the break up might have been amicable or it could have been pure torture. How attached are we to holding on to the pain we felt when that relationship ended? How invested are we in staying Grumpy?


A girlfriend of mine recently spent one Saturday night with a bottle of wine and facebook to delete every photo of her and her ex from the last four years. We are seriously debating a service that offers to do this for girls who've been hurt to avoid recalling the good times. Would you essentially pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to erase all the memories you had with that person if you could? Would you swallow Rumplestiltskin's magic potion to make the feelings you still have for an ex disappear?


Not to spoil the ending for you, but Snow White gives in at the end. She takes the tonic and instantly forgets that Charming is marrying another woman, that she ever loved him, she even forgets his name. She couldn't handle the pain of loving a man she couldn't have and I think we can all relate to her. Maybe your Prince Charming is with someone else, maybe he doesn't feel the same way for you that you do for him, maybe you still love a man you "shouldn't," maybe he's an ex that you just can't shake from your head or your heart. But how do we balance? How do we stop from carrying around all those feelings, holding on to the pain so tight that we become Grumpy???

Fool Me Twice

“Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has them and most of them stink. “ - The Dead Pool

I have been overwhelmed with your kind (and not so kind) thoughts and comments this weekend. Believe me when I tell you that I’ve taken everything you’ve said to heart and thought about it non-stop. For those who saw me go through the break-up with Kit in September, you know how heart breaking it was for me. Now that you all know I’ve been *considering* taking him back for the past few months, finding out that he hasn’t been faithful even after being graciously granted another chance is even harder. 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you twice. 

I loved Kit with all my heart and he took that for granted. He broke my trust and I can never, ever get it back. I know now that looking for the good in someone doesn’t mean there is any, no matter how much you want to see it. I also know that I deserve better than being kicked in the face by the man I’m faithful to, knocked down again and again every time I get up. It took me a long time to see this, and I regret those months lost, but I do not regret the lesson learned. I will NEVER make that mistake again. 

I have tried to keep up with your questions, comments, concerns and remarks. It’s only fair to acknowledge both sides of the story so here are the write-ins so far. Not everyone will agree with my decision to link Megan Marks’ post to my blog and that’s ok. I didn’t ask for anyone’s permission, nor am I asking for forgiveness. She stood up for a total stranger by posting those chats, which I admit, I copied and pasted out to friends and readers in the midst of my emotional turmoil in the Autumn. Several of you can attest to this because you also received the email from me. I do apologize for the offensive, graphic, and explicit nature of the chats, but please keep in mind that I did NOT write those. Those messages were sent between Kit & Erica...while I was sleeping, in the shower, or making him lunch. I truly hope you can understand that my stomach turned while reading them too, and I was just as grossed out as you were, likely more so. 

There is a strength that comes from reaching deep, deep down into the darkest corners of your soul, surviving things you never thought you could handle. You might not come out unscathed, but hopefully the bumps and bruises will heal, and the scars won’t last forever. Not all of you think that I handled this situation with grace and poise, but some of you do, and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. 

And now, to reply to your comments:

Melissa: No matter how hurt you are, no one has the right to destroy another person's name in such a public fashion. This is shameful, and Erica just earned my sympathies. Megan Marks should be careful that she doesn't get a lawsuit brought against her. There's nothing heroic about this.

Me: My goal has never been to hurt or destroy anyone but there is nothing sympathetic about a person who ruins someone else's relationship. I haven't uttered a bad word against either party but readers have a right to know what other opinions are out there.

Melissa: Erica wasn't the one in a relationship with you; Kit was. The only people who can ruin a relationship are the ones who are in it. Erica was a tertiary player at best, and while she isn't a sympathetic person to you, for obvious reasons, some common sense has to come into play here. Megan should take this site down, without question. She can't justify a website like this.

Me: I can't explain her motives or even tell you when it was written. I'm still undecided how I fell about it. Part of me is humiliated. Part of me is flattered. For someone to stand up for a total stranger is gutsy but this seems to be her issue: it's not with the men who cheat, it's with the other women. We should all have each others' backs.

Sasha: Wow Kimberly Spice I really thought you were better than this... Why don't you put KIT'S whole name out there. He's the one who started this whole mess. I really would implore you or Megan Marks to take that site down. While what Erica did is of course not okay and completely selfish, it's also not okay to put someone's name out there. The same thing happened to me and I knew I couldn't go down to her level and be immoral like her. Instead I kicked that joke of a man to the CURB and never looked back. This is cyber bullying...and one of the worst I have ever seen. I work with students that face this everyday and while they might have done something to anger someone else, CYBER BULLYING is NEVER okay...this is not having your back. No matter how you look at it someone having your back would have been there for you emotionally and advised you that it damages your mental and emotional health to stay in this drama. Now your name and Megan marks' name is all over this horrible website. I'm truly disturbed by this because I deal with this on a weekly basis...

Me: I completely understand where you're coming from but think about it this way: it's my name too. If your boyfriend had cheated on you, curled up in your arms every night while he was saying the things he said to that woman, would you publish that? I think not. I emailed a few friends and fans with it last year as a reminder to myself of his betrayal, hoping to stay strong. But I didn't make it public knowledge. I was the one who got cheated on. It was my heart that was broken. And this is hard for me too.

Sasha: You have to take responsibility for your part in this - no one would have known that site existed had you not posted it for us all to see. It's like saying 'hey everybody there's a huge wreck outside and don't go to look at it.' I have been there in a situation much like yours like I said but I'm just saying that its wrong to put that out there and then endorse this type of bullying. You are a public figure due to your blog and are entitled but I just could not stand by and say nothing. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find someone that has dignity and and treats you right.

Me: I take full responsibility for posting the link to my blog BUT I struggled with the decision all day . It didn't come lightly and I'm still torn. Still, she did something brave and stood up for me which I can't ignore either. I'm not saying I agree with it or condone it but I do appreciate that she meant well. Thank you for expressing your opinions and for the well wishes. It really means a lot.

Laura R: Okay, I don't care or agree with anything anyone said. I am HAPPY you posted this. I have been lied to and cheated on countless times and I think it's more than fine to put this up. You didn’t write this. And on top of all that, everyone was on your side when you wrote about her in the break up blog, but now everyone wants to bash you? Yeah okay, that's stupid. Thank you for putting this up. I'd say just delete all the negative reactions you are getting, or remove the people who are commenting telling you they lost respect for you or whatever. How can anyone pity the "other woman" esp when she knows for a fact that man is taken... These women bashing you and saying you are a bully, are probably THE OTHER WOMAN.

Me: I totally get where you’re coming from and THANK YOU for understanding. You’re right that nobody threw a stink in October when the situation first arose, but I don’t blame them for being upset about it now. The in between time has given readers - if not me - a chance to forget about Kit. I only wish I could do the same. I would never delete the “negative” responses though because the whole premise of my writing is leveling with you guys. To do that, everyone gets a chance to share their opinions. They won’t always agree with me and that’s ok. Nobody has strapped them to a chair and forced them to read 100 Cups of Coffee. It’s like tv - if you don’t enjoy the show, CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!

Andrea: Kim, when you started this site, didnt you agree to share the GOOD and the BAD AND the UGLY? This is actually what you are doing. The world is watching you drink 100 cups of coffee and taking it in, and then bashing you for showing others remarks??? Did they bash you with Mr pinfeathers??? (no we laughed) Did they bash you with Macman???? (no, they wished you well) Readers need to realize that this is exactly what it is... your life now A BLOG about divorce, lost relations, dates, happiness, and laughter. Smile Kim... do not apologize for the actions of the Megans, or Kits, or Ericas of the world. Slander by definition is any false or defamatory words spoken about a person; when one hurts another in words or gestures by being UNTRUTHFUL... you have proof. In addition, opinions which are stated are not that of your doing. Be strong. Continue to share ALL!

Me: Yes, I did and I’m holding to that promise. Am I embarrassed to admit I caved in my convictions to kick Kit to the curb? Yes, a little. But readers deserve to know that I was willing to overlook his flaws, his mistakes, his bad judgement - and he made them all over again which is NOT ok. I share everything with you guys because I know that somewhere, someone has gone through (or is still going through) the same things I am and it just helps knowing that they’re not alone. Thank you for the support, the love and the laughter. You’re my rock!

Melissa: To Laura and Andrea: I wasn't bashing Kim in the slightest. But to compare Megan's blog to Kim's post about "Mr. Pinfeathers" is insane. It's not remotely the same thing. Quite honestly, it makes Kim look really bad. Every woman who's been cheated on gets a vicarious thrill when another woman gets revenge on a louse of an ex. But Sasha's right. If I hadn't seen this on Kim's page, I never would've known about it, so Kim is doing nothing to stop this madness, just perpetuating it. The relationship is over. Deal with it, but don't drag someone's name and reputation down just because you have a blog and are still so hurt that you use a public forum to exact your vengeance. If people Google Erica's name and see Megan's blog, that could affect her future terribly. Yes, her role in this was bad, but does she deserve to pay for this forever? No. Kim and Kit were the ones in the relationship. Put the blame where it belongs and move on. I've been cheated on, too. I've been hurt, too. The blame belongs on the guy who said he loved me.

Me: You’re *absolutely* right --- the blame belongs on the guy who said he loved me.

Laura A: Wow - this is crazy. I believe the best justice in this matter is to no longer give Kit and Erica any more attention. Let's never mention them again and let them be on their way - they'll get theirs some day. As I say that, by not mentioning them anymore, will help Kim in her healing process and allow her to move on. As for the whole slander thing, Megan should be careful. Megan posted the truth but remember - once its on the internet - it will always be out there.  Come on ladies - this blog is about our loves, our lost, our tears and our laughter. We shouldn't be after each other like this. Let us ALL move on and forget Kit and Erica - life has something in store for people like that. We love you Kim.

Me: I truly appreciate and respect all of your comments and concerns regarding Megan's blog yesterday. I chose to post it to my facebook and I take responsibility for that. The heart makes wild decisions when it's broken. While I cannot take down the web page itself, I am removing the link from this site. You can of course, still find it through my blog should you choose to read it. Thank you all for the support you have shown me and the encouragement to move on. With love always, Kimberly Spice

Christi: All's fair in betrayal and internet. There should be such a thing as a "betray-o-meter" that weighs all of the circumstances involved and gives an accurate reading of whether a second chance might be advisable or even possible. Until then we will have to deal with our emotions which constantly prove to be wildly erratic and dangerously balanced toward making bad choices. Even after betrayal we heal, as long as we move forward :)

Me: All’s fair in love and war. It’s just that now, both love and war take place on the internet :-)

Christine: I have a name for her to add to her list. Don't be ashamed. If they are willing to do the crime, they should be subjected to the consequences.

Me: I think she’s taking suggestions for names. From what I gather, mine is not the first “other woman” situation she’s exposed, and I’m guessing won’t be the last!

Krista Lynn: I also have to wonder how Megan was able to obtain these conversations. While Kit has proven himself to be the pig we know he is, she has not proven much better of herself. I have a Ms. Piggy of my own. I loathe her. But I don't have the courage enough to post what you or Megan have posted. I live vicariously through you in that way, lol

Me: I emailed a few friends and readers when I found the chats in the Fall. I copied and pasted the messages (found on my own laptop) for two reasons: to ask if they thought it was cheating and to help me stay strong. Some people think it's not cheating on the Internet. I do. Some people think I could forgive Kit / take him back. It's just not an option anymore :-(

Misty: I guess that is no solidarity in sisterhood. I would never knowingly do that to another woman, regardless of how I felt about the dude. And if a dude said he loved me, I would be crushed that he would go date someone closer. I guess I hold love I a higher regard. Sometimes second chances aren't a bad thing, Kim. But the person getting it needs to be truly worth it. I am sure you felt he was, I'm sure of it. The fact that he couldn't just be a stand up guy for you the first time and especially after you decided to give him another chance just proves how stupid he is not you. You just proved that people with a good heart and truly love someone else doesn't just give up, they try again.

Me: The lesson here is never fall for a man who won’t stand up for you.

Diana: Hi Kim! I just read about yesterday. I am so very sorry. I too gave undeserved second and even third chances. Please know that it really is possible to forget or at the very least, remember only the bad freaking memories. That was when I knew I was over my scum bag, every time I think of him (it would be a lie to say I don't) it is all bad and leaves me with nothing but a bitter taste. 

Me: Oh, good. I was staring to think I was the only girl in the world who ever considered taking back her cheating, lying, no good ex! Thanks for letting ME know I’m not alone!!! Lol

Stefanie: Um... I just read that and I have chills.. you're amazing!

Sara: Love you girl. Hold that head up high

Me: Stef & Sara - you are my life support. Thank you for helping me stay strong, always! 

Jen: Kit is an uncaring, using dirtbag, no doubt. I've read your blog for a while now, and I really feel for you. However. I am going to say that is way out of bounds to publish their actual names, and their private conversations. Kit cheated on you. Kit did, not this girl. This girl has no reason to be loyal to you, and you and others destroying her on the internet, which could affect her in a million different ways... and may even affect her employment is wrong. Worse, it is immature. We've all had our hearts broken, and the way that you've put all of this out there in vivid detail says much more about you then it does about either of them.

Me: I completely understand what you're saying and you are absolutely right. What I published says A LOT about my character. The thing is that I've been pushed around for 30 years and I have never fought back, not once. When Kit & I broke up in September, and realized how much we still loved & missed each other, I called Erica and begged her to back off. She promised me she would never speak to him again, never chat with anyone else like this again, never destroy another relationship again (especially mine!) She was just as responsible in the breaking of promises and the stabbing of back as he was. That aside, this blog is my confessional, my dear diary if you will. I wanted to explain to you all that I wasn't always as strong as I'd like to be but I don't know a single woman out there who hasn't *considered* the possibility of taking back her stinking, lying, no good boyfriend or husband. We deserve better than men who disrespect us, men who walk all over us, men who treat us like crap. I gave him a second chance and I got knocked down for it. I have never hit anyone first, but I finally hit back. You don't have to agree with my actions, I don't expect that everyone will and that's ok. But maturity comes in all different forms. Right now, the mature thing to do is walk away. And so I am.

Jen: You are much better of without him. No question. My concern is that you have taken for granted that this heartbreak, and this pain will fade. You'll meet someone else, you'll move on, and it won't hurt anymore. However. Even if Megan Marks pulls that site down, even if you go through and delete every instance where you chose to use this girls real name, when you google her, screenshots of those pages will still exist. So, 2 years from now, when I really hope you'll be living your happily ever after with the right guy... she'll still be screwed. Did she really deserve a life sentence? Because even skimming through the conversations I get the sense that she really loves Kit, and that he was leading her on and lying to her. Kit is hurting her too.... where is the solidarity? (Which for the record, I think is a fairy tale). Good luck Kim.

Sara: I love you but Jen actually has as much of a point as you do. Once on the Internet always on the Internet. What if her kids read that someday.....or her hopeful future employer? You know I'm all for the revenge but once the dust settles it WAS a private conversation now made VERY public.

Me: Jen, the sad fact is that she met him once, four years ago. They’ve had an internet “friendship” since then --- whereas he and I had a serious, in person relationship for six months, to the point that we were living together and planning a wedding. I understand that she has very little self-worth, enough to whore herself out to a man who degrades her online and for that, I truly feel sorry for her. She seems to think she doesn’t deserve real love, or a real relationship and that’s horrible. But she knew he was with me, why would she *continue* to devalue herself and engage in a taken man? It’s not a fairy tale, but I do believe in true love and happy endings. Maybe not the storybook kind but something even better.

Muzette: First, I hate that you've had to go through this. It is painful, hurtful, it destroys trust, and makes has the ability to make you cynical. It sucks that Kit wasn't the guy for you, although at first he looked like he was. I've been through this, and I too, left the door open a crack. And I too, got burned again. I was embarrassed and so mad at myself. But I learned. And apparently I had to go through that lesson again to completely learn what I needed to learn. I hope you are able to walk away from Kit and Erica and learn from this and not let someone who has the potential to hurt you like that ever hurt you again. The people we let in our heart know how to hurt us the most - but the ones that truly love us don't use that against us. Cheers to you for not hibernating (which I tend to do), but putting it all out there -the good, the bad and the ugly, owning it and trying to be stronger because of it. You will make it and you will look back one day and be eternally grateful that the "kit" people in your life are gone and left room for that new magnificent person you will have.

Me: Thank you, that’s so incredibly sweet. Not a lot of people understand how humiliating it is to be cheated on, as though it’s a reflection of the person you are, as though you aren’t a good enough girlfriend to be loyal to. What I’ve learned from this is that I was a terrific girlfriend to Kit, better than anything he could have hoped for and better than anything he’d ever had before. He told me on a regular basis that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him (as I’m sure you were to your ex as well.) The cheating was his fault, and it is a reflection of his character, not mine. I don’t question a single move I made in our relationship and I don’t regret how much I loved him. He just wasn’t worthy of it, but someday, a man will be...that much I know.

V: Guess what, haters? Kit entered this relationship with Kim with FULL KNOWLEDGE that he was seeing a DATING BLOGGER. Hence HIS OWN POST ON HER BLOG. By extension, Erica knows too. Sucks for Kit that he was too stupid, careless, and arrogant to continue these kinds of communications with Erica, the whole time undermining Kim's care and love, and taking advantage of it and her, and underestimating her intelligence, while he is clearly a LOSER WITH NO JOB. He is a USER.  At the end of the day, Kim is a blogger and has been forthright about her dating life from the inception of this goddamn website. Kit knew about it. He exposed both himself and Erica to the scrutiny of anyone who reads this blog, be it Kim's friends, his friends, or strangers to both. KIT is to blame. Feel sorry for Erica, but don't blame Kim for her exposure.  Where is Erica now? Likely hiding under a rock, probably has deleted her Facebook page, and it no doubt sucks to be her. But LOOK at what she willingly participated in. LOOK at what she did. Is Kit with HER now? Is she Kit's "slut" now? WAS IT WORTH IT??? She is not AS much to blame as Kit, but a disgusting pawn. Erica is pathetic, a lovelorn, whatever the female version of 'cuckolded' is.   But Kit is more pathetic. Sucks that Kit is a horrible example of men, that this is not even that unique of a story, and that one more fabulous lady has to add distrust to her arsenal of feelings/emotions.   It sucks for Erica too. You want this man, Erica? You think you'll ever have him? Was it all worth it?

Me: Um, I know I don’t know you, but I kinda love you. THANK YOU for that!!! (PS: No, they’re not together. Surprise, surprise!)

Misha: Correct me if I'm wrong, but the first time, the chatting was happening on Facebook where it publicly said that Kit and Kim were dating. So if she doesn't want her dirty laundry (Erica) aired, then perhaps she shouldn't have carried on with someone that it wasn't her business to carry on with. Someone that she knew was otherwise with someone that wasn't her.  The old adage is you lose them the way you get them...she picked him up by him being a lying cheating bastard, he's going to do it to her as well and she's only got herself to blame.

Me: Yes, we were “in a relationship” on Facebook, not to mention posting on each other’s walls every single day. Things like “Know what makes my whole day better? You do!!!” and photos of everything we did together. Pictures from family parties, bbq’s with friends, the botanical gardens, walking around the city, etc etc. Anyone who knew us knew for a fact that we were madly in love. Erica chose to ignore the fact that he was publicly in a relationship with me, and hunt after him anyway. Which (in my humble opinion) makes her equally accountable!

Anon: I hope for your sake that the door stays sealed shut from now on.

Me: Oh, IT WILL!!!

Anon: You are so much better off without him.

Me: It took me a long time to see that but I 100% know it now :-)

When One Door Closes

My dearest readers,

I have not been completely honest with you. But I'm about to be. Hope you're ready.

You come to this blog for faith, for hope, for support. You come to read about my dating disasters, my ups and downs, and my humorous approach to romance in the age of technology. You read for inspiration. You read to know you're not alone. You read because there is someone out there who is going through the same thing you are and understands that love is neither easy nor perfect. You read because I get you.

In the past two years, I have been painfully honest with you. I've confessed to crapping my khaki pants on a date in the park. I've admitted to being the girl ballsy enough to ask out her crush on Twitter for millions of viewers to see, and humble enough to acknowledge when I got turned down. I've recalled the intimate moments of a marriage gone wrong, a heart broken, lives torn apart. You know when I am eating a bowl of cereal at my kitchen counter for dinner because I cannot bring myself to cook a meal for one.

You know all this and you (hopefully) love me anyway.

Actually, I think that many of you adore this blog because of - and not in spite of - my flaws. I'm not perfect. I'm not some Hollywood starlet or New York society girl whining about not having a boyfriend. Some Saturday nights, I am perfectly content staying home with a bottle of wine, a box of cookies, and a full lineup on my Netflix. Do I enjoy dating? Usually, yes. Do I dress up, go out, have fun, make friends, meet men, and put myself out there on a daily basis? Also yes. Somewhere in between these worlds exists a girl who manages to stay sane and strong in the face of heartbreak, in the face of everything crumbling around her.

I am holding it together because you - the readers - make me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I am forever indebted to your encouragement, love and support.

This is why I owe you an explanation about my moment of weakness. We all have them. It's just that I've been remiss in sharing mine with you.

When Kit and I broke up in September, I thought my world was over. Life as I knew it, the future we'd started to build together, was gone. Suddenly, all those dreams of a Disney wedding and quiet home and kids playing soccer had vanished right before my eyes. I came home to an apartment he no longer lived in --- because I'd kicked him out. I had made the choice to end our relationship and it's no exaggeration to say that the decision took me less than 30 seconds to make.

Find out Kit is cheating.

Scream.

Cry.

Call him screaming and crying.

Tell him not to come back.

Pack his belongings.

Write FUCK YOU on every box in black Sharpie.

Wait for him to pick up his stuff.

The next line should read: Never look back. I wish it did. I wish more than anything that I had the strength to say without a doubt that I didn't regret my decision. That I didn't question it every single day from then until now.

The heart is a curious thing, you see. When you love someone as much as I loved Kit, when you're as happy as I was with him, when you see the shore line coming up on the horizon, you don't ever want to let that go. The heart, even in its broken state, will try to fix things, rationalize them, make them better. The heart is always the champion of love, even when the mind tries to dissuade it. I am someone who has always followed my heart - often against my better judgement - often against advice of friends and family - and I've gotten hurt. I've gotten kicked in the face more times than I can count. The only thing I do know is that I always get back up bigger, tougher, and more determined than before.

My mind knew that what Kit did was wrong. Without a doubt, absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. But my heart...oh my heart ached for him in ways I didn't know was possible. It felt like a piece of me was missing when he was gone. Not something vital like a liver or a lung, but something incredibly noticeable like an arm or a leg. A visible piece of you that you technically could live without but you wouldn't want to and life would never be the same.

So instead of slamming the door closed in his face, I left it open a crack. I hoped against all odds that he would see the light, that he would change, that the error of his ways would overtake his conscience, he'd grow up, and we could work things out. I believed that if we both wanted it enough, if we could find it in our hearts to accept and forgive each other, we'd be ok. My double-sided virtue and vice is that I look for the good in people. I want to see it. In my experience, you can find anything if you look for it hard enough. I ignored my instincts that Kit had betrayed me and would do it again. I let him talk me into giving him a second chance.

I had only been entertaining the thought for a little while, flip flopping back and forth on my decision. I couldn't come to a complete conviction either way, so I left room for either possibility. He would grow up, change into the man I believed him capable of being, I would forgive him and we would move on OR I couldn't bring myself to trust him again and would have to let him go for the good of everyone involved.

We talked, mostly through text or facebook, and I saw him a few times. I tried to keep an open mind but my heart betrayed me. My face clearly lit up the moment he was in the room and all my logic went out the window. I was still the smitten kitten I'd been since Day One with Kit, except that now I was skittish around him too, making for a whirlpool of emotional turmoil.

We had some intense conversations about our future, analyzed our past, and he seemed truly ready to learn from it. He said all the things I wanted to hear, knowing that I loved him enough to take him back eventually. It was a matter of time. My entire family was livid at him. My friends hated him for what he put me through. Even his friends offered me comfort and condolences for his actions. They apologized on his behalf when he couldn't do it himself.

Just when I thought everything was going well and maybe - just maybe - I could really open up and let myself trust him again, another bomb blew up in my face. You see, Kit hasn't had a full time job in several years, so to save him some money, I'd put his phone number on my plan. I know, I know, combining finances seems crazy after only six months of dating but please remember that I *thought* I was going to marry this man and we were already living together. Sadly, he hasn't had the money since we broke up to pay for his own plan either, so I've been covering the expense for both of us. Yes, I am THAT BIG of a pushover.

When I logged on to the AT&T website this morning to pay the phone bill, I noticed that his text messages were *way* over their norm. Typically, who he talks to is his business and I don't care but I had to know how I sent 747 texts last month and he sent over 2,048! There it was, on my phone bill, page after page after page of text messages sent back and forth between Kit and Erica Whats-her-fuck-ski.

Are you fucking kidding me???

Over 1,400 texts between them this month alone. He's been emailing / texting / calling / facebooking me with the right hand and chatting with her *again* with the left. It's like building a sand castle with one hand and digging out from under it with the other. Who does that???

I was shaking uncontrollably. My mouth went dry and my limbs went weak. My head was pounding and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. How could this be happening again? Had I allowed it to? Or was he really just that stupid?

Two things happened at the end of this story: The first is that I Googled Erica's name and came up with this blog written by Megan Marks http://ericawondolowski.blogspot.com/ Here, Megan thanks me for being her dating inspiration and venerates Erica for KNOWINGLY being Kit's mistress.

Megan, whoever you are, wherever you are, I cannot thank you enough for your kind words about me and my writing. I couldn't bring myself to post anything on here about her and Kit after the fact. You did what I never would have had the courage to do.

Secondly, I used Kit's credit card to pay off the phone bill.

Door officially closed.

PanicGirl and MacMan

Just 24 hours ago, the unthinkable happened. My laptop - my precious Apple MacBook Pro - crashed. With it, my entire world came crashing down around me.

It's no secret that I've been working to turn this blog into a book which will contain 80% new material. That means you've never read it, and I've never written it. My proposal has been tweaked, edited, reformatted, and rewritten. It's been lovingly slaved over for months now. I have several more grey hairs and several less hours of sleep logged to prove it. If you are looking for me on any given day, chances are you can find me at the same Starbucks table, French vanilla soy chai on one side. Rice Krispie treat on the other. Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo and Blogger open in tabs on my screen. Page after page of my own dating disasters making me laugh, tugging at my tears, bringing back memories of a marriage gone wrong, a severely broken heart, and amazing friends made along the way.

Until yesterday, when you would have seen me doubled over my table, crying and begging my barista to (and I quote) FIX IT!!!

My mouse had been acting funny, randomly highlighting paragraphs and deleting them. The keyboard was slow to react and I was getting that sinking feeling good parents have when their child is ill. My baby, my shiny silver 17" baby, was sick and their was nothing I could do. Just as I turned the screen around for John (from here on known as "The Savior") to see what was happening, the power cord came detached and the whole screen went black.

It was the scream heard round the Starbucks.

Panic set in. Absolute fear. Pure terror. I had spent the afternoon writing an awesome blog (Cat Lady gets me every time!) and adding thirteen pages to my book proposal, basically due tomorrow. I suddenly felt like the negligent student on the first day of school who hadn't done her homework while the rest of the class has already read the entire textbook. Can they fire you from writing your own book? Probably. What is the equivalent of capitol punishment amongst authors? Is caning still around? Will they switch my hands with a ruler? Oh. My. God. I think I'm having a heart attack. This can't be happening. It just can't.

Breathe, I hear John say. Breathe, Kim. Just keep breathing. We'll fix it. We'll figure it out. Stay calm. It will be ok. Please breathe.

Thirty minutes and two restarts later, we still can't find the cause of the problem, nor can we find a cure. With the power cable plugged in, the computer turns on but John is not a Mac guy and I'm not what you'd call tech-savvy. What we can see is that the battery on the bottom of the laptop is warped, which may explain why it's not holding a charge. I pack up my bags and drive slightly faster than the legal limit to the Apple store in the mall which closes a little too soon for my liking.

I leave Starbucks crying. I walk into the mall crying. I approach the first Mac specialist I see crying. When he says, "Can I help you?" I thrust my laptop at him and burst into more tears pleading "Something's wrong. It died. Please fix it. My whole life is on this computer. Please, please fix it."

I guess they get a lot of hysterical, clueless girls coming through their doors with iPod / iPhone / iLife emergencies because I kid you not, there is a department for this. First, the MacMan asked me a bunch of silly questions like "Do you have the AutoSave feature turned on?" Ok, really, how the hell would I know that? "Which Operating System do you have?" Panther? Leopard? Tiger? Kitty Kat? I don't know - it's something feline. "When was the last time you backed up your work?" When did floppy disks go out of style?

Ok, he's clearly not getting any information out of PanicGirl so he powers up the laptop and finds it all out himself. My proposal is, as I feared, gone. Also, there is no AutoSave feature on my outdated version of Pages because I haven't updated my software. Or my Operating System. Or anything else since I got the darn thing. Is there a penalty for throwing up in the Apple store? Cause I feel like I'm gonna hurl.

MacMan is very patient with me. He gets me a new battery which we install right away and it seems to be holding the charge. Also, the old battery was disrupting the track pad censor, so he's hoping that issue will resolve with the new battery. Other than that, the computer needs a good cleaning and a new power cable (mine had apparently been recalled. Oops.) He makes me an appointment to come back on Thursday afternoon where he will thoroughly investigate the trouble and encourages me to call him should I have any other problems. Gives me his card and holds my hand a moment longer than I was expecting.

Wait a minute, he's smiling at me. He's looking at me - really looking at me. Customer service people aren't known for their eye contact yet this man can't take his eyes off me. I'm glad I put on lip gloss. Oh gosh! Do I have tear stains on my cheeks? Is my nose runny? Heavens, I hope not. What is his name anyway? I glance down at his card.

Michael. His name is Michael. Of course it is.

Me: Well, Michael, you really saved my life tonight. I can't thank you enough.

Michael: Not a problem. It was my pleasure.

Me: Great, I'll see you Thursday afternoon then.

Michael: It's a date.

A man who can fix my computer and calm my fears? I think I'll be dressing up for Thursday.