Out of the Darkness, Into the Light

Hello my dear,

Well, I'm in California, I'm home alone (happy about that for tonight but tomorrow it will get old - how about you?)

I'm sure that many people are trying to connect with you around your project/book. It's brilliant and savvy and what so many women need.

Here's the kicker -- you have the one thing I have the most trouble with --- honesty despite the mess ups.  I have the hardest time admitting I fucked up.

Recently, I let a guy into my life that seriously harmed me. Most people would take years to recover from what I just went through -- same goes for your situation -- but we won't let them win -- we are too smart and strong to let them win. EVEN if they fool us twice, we are more resilient than they ever will be, simply because we are women and we have each other.

Yes, you definitely help many more than just one person in your journey. You've already helped me and I only found you a weekish ago.

Thank you so very much for showing me the way in one of the biggest areas I struggle with.

To sisterhood,

Dee

PS: For more information on the group I started, Declaring Recovery, visit our facebook page here:

Declaring Recovery

Dee,

I totally get what you're saying about the absolute honesty issue. A LOT of women have been in your shoes (and mine) and hidden themselves from the world. The phrase I hear a lot is "hibernate" --- they want to bury their heads in the sand or hide under the covers or sleep in a dark cave until all the hurt, all the heartache disappears. 

Frankly, I can't promise that it ever will. What if you wake up 5 days, 5 months, 5 years from now and it's still there? It still hurts? Are you going to go right back under the covers and never come out again? NO! Of course not. When we hide, they win. And by "they" I mean the men who broke our hearts. Success is the sweetest revenge. We have to come out of our shells, step out into the light and live our lives. It will be bright. It may even burn your eyes a little bit. Just like those first few rays of morning sunshine, it takes us time to adapt from the darkness. Blink back the tears and carry on. You might stumble along the way because you still can't see the path clearly and that's ok! No one gets it right the first time out and no one expects you to. Stop judging yourself by the mistakes you've made. Judge yourself instead on how many times you can proudly say "I tried for something." Maybe you think you failed at it, but I am willing to bet that you learned a lesson or two along the way. Life is our greatest teacher if we let it be. Allow yourself the time to heal but then please, please move on. Don't let anyone control you, your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions. Be the boss of your own brain (and your own body) so that people can't hurt you in the way you've been hurt before. Learn those lessons, tough though they may be. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you will come back from it bigger and better than ever before. 

Yes, I've been hurt. I've been torn down, messed up, fucked over, and everything in between. I've had my heart broken, my life ruined, and I've had to start over three times now. Is it easy? No. I'm not going to lie to you or sugar coat anything. It's hard. Sometimes, it sucks. I've spent those nights alone on my couch crying because I wish I was with someone but then I have also spent nights relishing that I am accountable to no one but myself. I have full control of the remote. I choose what to eat for dinner. I can stay up all night with a good book and a cup of tea if I want. I hog the covers. I devour cole slaw at midnight by the light of the refrigerator. I spend hours grooming in the bathroom giving myself a pedicure or a facial or whatever the hell I feel like that day. I am in charge of my own life and that in itself is a beautiful feeling. 

Someday, there will be a man by my side who loves me, who treats me well, who respects me. A man who is honest with me, deserves my trust, is faithful and loyal and all the other things my ex was not. Someday, there will be a ring on my finger, Egyptian cotton sheets on my marital bed, beautiful children fast asleep down the hallway, and hot pancakes for breakfast. Someday, all those dreams I've been working towards will come true. I've never lost faith in that and you shouldn't either. What keeps me going strong is my readers - readers like you - who let me know every day that I am not alone, that I am not the only one going through this, that they are lonely too. Being completely honest in a world where people keep stuff like this secret is no easy task. My girlfriends either adore my blog or are horrified that I share everything. No experience is off limits. Nothing is too taboo. My mother calls it 'airing my dirty laundry for all the world to see' but think about Katie Couric getting her colonoscopy on television! Was she embarrassed about sharing that intimate process with millions of people? Yes, I'm sure she was. But if she saved even one life, if even one person got checked out because she went first, then her job is done. That's what I am doing on 100 Cups of Coffee. Hoping that by exposing the good, the bad and the ugly (not *just* the good), some girl some where will be brave enough to take a risk in her own life. She will go on a first date, or tell her friends she's not over her ex, or kick that abusive bastard to the curb. Whatever the situation is, if I've helped even one reader grow, it's mission accomplished for me. 

So thank you for reaffirming everything I do here. It really makes a difference to hear from actual readers. You've warmed my tiny, broken heart!

Wishing you luck and love, 

Kimberly Spice