Cat Lady

Everyone has fears in life. Fear of flying, fear of snakes, fear of dying alone. My biggest fear in life is turning into the crazy eHarmony Cat Lady from YouTube.

Before we continue, if you haven't seen the Cat Lady video, treat yourself to two and a half minutes of bliss here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc

I know what you're thinking. That canNOT be real. She's an actress, right? A better-than-most-Hollywood-A-Listers actress. The tears, the extreme emotion, the insane affection for all things feline.

And yet it is. Cara is just another single girl trying to make it work in the online dating world. Yes, her affinity for small, furry creatures in bow ties and baskets is frightening. Yes, their ears and noses and whiskers are cute...but come on! They're not that cute. We've all got our soft spots for kittens and rainbows but this??? This is too much.

Still, despite MBA from Villanova (I call bull shit on that one) and the runny mascara (waterproof, sweetheart, it's the only way to go!) are Cara and I really all that different? I already own three cats and a dog. I'm one bad blind date away from rainbows, baskets, and bow ties. Aren't I?

Let's examine the evidence. Cara is probably a girl (about my age) who has been hurt by guys before. She's trying online dating for the first time and just wants to see who's out there. She's hopeful she'll find love again, praying to meet "The One." She's sitting at home on a Friday night with the tv flickering in the background making a personal ad video instead of going out dancing with her girlfriends because frankly, if God intended for us to go out with actual humans, reality television wouldn't be so gosh-darned entertaining!

Ok, ok, I'm sorry. It's just that I have to wonder - when making a personals ad, wouldn't one think to turn off the tv set? She isn't even looking at the camera, so glued is she to what I can only assume to be Animal Planet. Also, a hairbrush would come in handy right about now. She's got that "just rolled out of bed" look and not in a sexy way. Cara does get bonus points for cleavage but I sense that her breastiness was not on purpose, just the universe's way of blessing her with some semblance of attractiveness to counter balance all the crazy talk.

Some people are pretty to look at without having to say a word. In this case, she might be better off.

Alright, alright, I get it, I'm sorry. I want to feel bad for this chick, I really do. I understand how hard it is out there and finding a good man is no easy task. Trust me, I am in her shoes and so are most of you. That's the whole point of this blog, that we're in it together. You have wacky dating stories, I have wacky dating stories. It's like Divine Secrets of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Boyfriend.

But she's not crying over a man. She's crying over freakin kittens.

In all fairness, cats do provide unconditional love, have very low expectations, require nothing but food, water, a clean litter box, and occasional petting. Cats are independent yet appreciative of a good belly rub. They have short term memories, warm bodies, and...wait a minute...cats are starting to sound an awful lot like men!

That aside, what a man does need is a woman who is emotionally stable. Can she break down when the shit really hits the fan? Of course, and any decent guy will be there with a shoulder for her to cry on. When her heart is broken, when she loses a loved one, when she's completely stressed out at work, (when her laptop crashes!) But if I've learned anything, it's that the unstable girls typically don't end up with any guy worth having.

So Cara, my advice to you is to put yourself out there. Make another go of it, make another video, post another profile. Talk about the things that really make you happy, not sobbing like a hurt schoolchild on the playground. See a therapist, buy a new sweater, take a curling iron to that hair. Put on some upbeat music, turn off Animal Rescue 911, and discover that the world is full of good things. Is it full of homeless cats who need a loving family to adopt them? Yes, it is. It's also full of war and famine and sickness and depression and a million other things we could let get to us every single day. I'm not saying don't think about it. I'm not saying don't let it affect you. I'm just saying that letting your freak flag fly before the first date isn't the greatest way to *get* a first date.

Rolling around in your bed with a house full of cats on a rainbow? Definite freak flag.

PS: Did you seriously say "I promised myself I wouldn't cry!" Oh, honey...

Munchkin and Mr Pinfeathers

***Please note: This blog has been updated from its original version, following comments from YankFanAlways himself. I have no idea how he found my blog, but the sad truth is that these men exist and you can't make this stuff up!!!***

I know I haven't done this in a while, but I HAD to share this gem! Literally pee'd myself laughing. Literally.

Hey I really like your profile. I would like to get to know you better over a drink, dessert, or coffee or whatever you like to do. I am open to anything. I know of a cute cozy place we can go to get to know each other better.

Is "cute, cozy place" code for "they'll never find the body"??? Cause I'm already getting a stalker vibe...

I am a down-to-earth charming LOYAL man who loves to have fun and meeting new exciting people. I like to start out as friends first and if it blossoms to a meaningful deep relationship that may lead to bigger better things in the future, that is awesome!! If not, then that's fine, too! At least I made a New friend. Nobody deserves to be lonely. ONE NIGHT STANDS = SHALLOW!!! Sex is only good when feelings are mutual between two people.

It's true, nobody deserves to be lonely, yet I sense that he is indeed very, very lonely.

I am open to date any race..... I am very attracted to Asians and latinas! ;-) I find them exceptionally sweet and quite lovely, again... I am open to date any race. Asians and Latinas are my top two races. ;-)

In which of my pictures did you mistake me for either Asian or Latina??? I'm as pale as a Twilight vampire in direct sunlight and my hair is blonder than a Sweet Valley High cheerleader! PS: It doesn't seem very politically correct to have a "top two favorite races" --- I'm pretty sure a tiny German guy with an attitude and a funny walk got in trouble for just such a concept!

*** Updated message: Race is not important, but honesty and loyalty ARE! I am attracted to women with a few extra pounds. What I am looking for is somebody I can talk to, laugh with/ at, keep cozy during a movie eating kettle corn popcorn & sipping on some hot cocoa in the midst of a blizzard or have a playful snowball fight/ build a snowman/ build a snow fort in the park, and a special woman I can tell my mom, dad and the rest of my family about.***

Ok, so you're cool with me being white, but you just called me chubby??? We really need to talk about your approach with women!

I work as a sales representative in midtown Manhattan... Ladies.... Selling shoes!! (please no Al Bundy jokes! LOL) On my time off, I am just killing some time at Starbucks, Wholefoods, or just going out for a walk around SoHo.

A) Selling shoes at Christian Louboutin? Great job. Nothing to make fun of. Yet I get the sense he works at Payless.

B) Killing time at Starbucks or WholeFoods? Again, this seems like code for "stalking" no?

I'm not much into reading.

Women like their men literate, preferably on higher than a third grade level. If you can't read, or don't enjoy it, keep that to yourself for a while. Like, forever.

Not much into reality tv either, but I just started watching Operation Repo and Hardcore Pawn! I enjoy watching tv sitcoms, especially ones of the 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. I like shows like The Flintstones. I also am a fan of WWE and the superstars I am following on Twitter are The Rock, John Cena, The Miz because of their charisma.

So your television tastes span four decades? Not very specific, is it? Also, girls aren't typically fans of wrestling because we know it's FAKE. Thanks for telling me who you follow on Twitter though. That's a super-important factor in deciding whether or not I want to date you.

I love texting, online chatting, Facebook, and emailing. I also enjoy games like spades, chess, jenga, and scrabble!

You "love" texting??? Nobody "loves" texting. We also don't "love" chatting or emailing or facebooking. We do it as a detached form of social interaction but most people "love" actual human contact. Real, live connections. Try it sometime! Also, Jenga? Is that even still around?

My top 5 movies are: star wars, back to school, ferris bueller's day off, the breakfast club, the karate kid (the original ones) and anything with Adam Sandler.

STOP MENTIONING STAR WARS. IT'S NOT GETTING YOU LAID. I PROMISE.

I'll eat pretty much anything except Yams, candy corn, cotton candy, and muenster cheese.

You won't eat Candy Corn? I can't date you. Sorry, dude. Just too weird.

My Pet Peeves are: dirty dishes in the sink, body odor like someone hasn't used soap, water, and deodorant in quite some time (that smell makes me gag), bad breath (pop a tic-tac in your mouth. It's easy!), slow walkers in front of me (except the elderly or have a disability), people bumping into me WITHOUT saying "excuse me" and/ or "sorry", no soap in a PUBLIC restroom, bottlenecking at stairs or escalators. People (especially tourists) blocking an entrance or monopolizing the sidewalk while talking.

So basically, you're a germaphobe with OCD about personal hygiene and a pedestrian sense of road rage? Awesome.

I could never live without Munchkin (my cat), Mr. Pinfeathers & Mr. Grey One (my birds), my wallet, coffee in the morning, water, music, deodorant/ cologne/axe body spray, toothpaste/ toothbrush, soap & shampoo/ conditioner, Burt's Bees lip balm, my Android Smartphone, music, and you!! ;-)

I beg you, on everything that is holy in this world, please, please be kidding.

I hope to hear back from you soon. Take care. ~YankFanAlways

Seeing as I could not reply with my *actual* thoughts, YankFanAlways will not, in fact, be hearing from me anytime soon. But men, if you're out there, and if you're thinking I was harsh on poor Mr Pinfeathers, please consider your own persona when reading over profiles. What may seem normal and harmless to you comes across to others as borderline psychotic. Ask yourself this question when writing a profile: Is this specific piece of information going to land me a date? Is this something a girl really and truly needs to know about me? Will this make her want to meet me or send her sprinting the other direction? I don't care that YankFan dislikes muenster cheese (I'm not a fan of Swiss) - it's the way that he felt the need to emphasize his particular taste in yellow / orange food items that worries me. That he wants an Asian or Latina girl with a few extra pounds, who enjoys kettle corn and the Flintstones is VERY SPECIFIC and it's not fair to expect someone new to live up to his extremely detailed romantic fantasy. In dating, the rule is to be yourself. I'm all for letting your freak flag fly...but maybe wait til you've met the girl and she's positively smitten with you to describe your affinity for Axe deodorant and Scrabble.

And this is why I am single...

***Please see comment from YankFanAlways at 8 am on Christmas morning at bottom of page. Enjoy!***

Faking It

***Please note: This blog has been updated from its original version to include the full length of the conversation.***

It starts out like any other date. Dinner, conversation, polite laughter. Those awkward few moments where we decide if it's permissible to share an appetizer on the first date, clink cheers with our water glasses, get to know each other, blah blah blah. He tells me a little bit about his job, I feign interest. He blatantly avoids talk of family, I pretend not to notice his skirting the entry level questions. He keeps his leather jacket on over his sweater, collared shirt, and t-shirt. I refuse to comment on the unseasonable Arctic chill he's imagined will hit the restaurant at any moment.

First dates are scary. I get that. I've been on enough of them to know that they're never really easy on either party. Someone usually wants to throw up (fortunately, that's only happened on one actual date. Sushi. Never again.) I've dated the stammering guy, the fidgets-with-silverware guy, the nervous giggling guy, the keeps-his-sweaty-hands-in-his-pockets guy, the speechless guy, even the accidental erection guy. But never, until this very moment, had I dated reveals-embarrassing-secret guy.

As often happens on a first date, one person relaxes into a comfortable state of "I'm pretty sure my dining partner is not an ax murderer" and delves into deeper topics of conversation. This invariably leads directly into the "You're so great, why are you single?" line of questioning. We compare notes, laugh at awful first dates gone by, discuss the pitfalls of the online age, strange profiles we've encountered, and how there's nobody "normal" out there.

I make the mistake of asking when his last relationship was. He makes the mistake of telling me.

Tyler: Well, I was going out with this girl I met online for maybe two months or so. But it didn't work out.

Me: Oh? How come?

Tyler: She was kind of a cold fish.

Me: Ouch. That doesn't sound fun.

Tyler: No, especially in bed. You know, she'd just lay there and not do anything. I had to do all the work. It was really boring.

Me: Wow. That's rough. What'd you do?

Tyler: I faked it.

Me: (((Quizzical look.)))

Tyler: The orgasm. I faked it.

Me: (((In disbelief))) Guys can do that???

Tyler: Sure.

Me: I'm pretty certain I don't want to know this but I have to ask. How???

Tyler: Well, I thrust really hard. I made this weird sort of animal noise like "ugggggh." Then I shook a little and jumped off her. Turned around so she wouldn't see me, tugged the condom off, tied it up, threw it in the trash, and hid it under some tissues.

Me: Why did you hide it?

Tyler: In case she looked. She'd know it was empty.

Me: Ok, first of all - ew. Second of all, I've had my fair share of sex but I've definitely never looked through the trash to find the condom. I don't think girls do that.

Tyler: Some girls don't trust guys.

Me: I wonder why.

Tyler: Yeah, the worst part was when the cat came into the room and tried to play with it. He knocked the garbage pail over. I thought for sure I was done for.

Me: And that was the worst part? The cat playing with the empty condom... not your girlfriend knowing you faked an orgasm?

Tyler: Well, obviously I didn't want her knowing.

Me: Why not?

Tyler: Because then she wouldn't have slept with me again.

Me: But you didn't want to sleep with her that time.

Tyler: Not really, I was tired. Besides, Leno was on.

Me: What I can't understand is why you wouldn't have just made the effort to give her a REAL orgasm. Maybe if you'd put a little work in, you both would've been happy, avoided the awkward "This isn't doing it for me" moments, and still been able to watch late night talk shows on the dvr.

Tyler: Why should I have to work to give her an orgasm? Maybe she can't have them. Maybe that's not my fault.

Me: I full believe that every woman is able to climax with the right partner. And it's not really "work" - all you have to do is pay attention to her. She'll send you all the signals you need to find a way to please her.

Tyler: She wasn't sending me any signals.

Me: You weren't doing anything.

Tyler: So you've never faked an orgasm? Not even to just get it over with?

Me: Nope.

Tyler: Why not?

Me: Because that's like giving a puppy a treat every time he pees on the rug, then getting mad at him when he won't go outside.

Tyler: Are you saying men are dogs?

Me: They're very similar in a lot of ways. They need to be trained, taught the rules, housebroken if you will. Think about it - the dog sits down, you give him a treat. He lays in bed instead of begging for scraps at the table, you give him a treat. He pees outside, you give him a treat. If he pees on your priceless Persian rug, do you give him a treat? No! You scold him and send him outside. What he's learned is that outside = good, Persian rug = bad.

Tyler: I don't follow you.

Me: Ok, think about it like this. Every time a woman fakes an orgasm with a man, she's rewarding him for peeing on the Persian rug. He gets a treat for bad behavior.

Tyler: So you'd rather not reward him at all?

Me: I'd rather give him filet mignon.

Tyler: For peeing outside?

Me: Exactly! If you were a dog, which would you prefer - a Milkbone or a steak?

Tyler: The steak, obviously.

Me: Right! That's what I'm saying. Faking it is like giving the dog a Milkbone for pissing on the priceless Persian rug. But with a little work, a little coaching, a little training, you can teach him to go outside and earn a juicy, tender, meaty steak. A real orgasm. That's the treat you get in return for taking your time with a woman and putting the effort into understanding her, exploring her, paying attention to her.

Tyler: I don't know. I faked it once but I'm pretty sure every woman I've ever been with has faked it more than that.

Me: Well maybe they've only faked it with YOU.

And that was the end of the date.

Cup Of Joe

This time of year, it's easy to get crazy with all the shopping, the malls, the traffic, the food, the gifts we've yet to buy or wrap, the presents we can't afford to put under the tree we still haven't decorated. It's easy to forget that not everyone gets to wake up Christmas morning in their own home, with their own family, to a home cooked meal and a full stocking. It's easy to forget that our military is still serving overseas, fighting wars that they didn't start, protecting freedoms of people they've never met.

If Kit and I were still dating, I would have spent heaven only knows how much money on gifts for him. I would've bought him new books, dvd's, gourmet food items, and adventures for us to enjoy together. I would have stuffed his stocking full of his favorite candies and left thoughtful presents under the tree from Santa, the cats and me. I would have gotten a little something for all his friends and his entire family, brought him to holiday parties, bought bottle after bottle of wine for our hosts, and whipped up decadent dinners and desserts for days on end.

This is the first Christmas I will spend single. Kit and I are not together. For the first time in my life, I have no boyfriend to shop for, cook for, clean up after. And that's why I'm taking all the money (and the love) I would have spent on Kit and giving it to our military instead.

100 Cups of Coffee has changed my life. I am grateful every day for you, the readers, who have become my friends, my pen pals, my sounding board. You share your hopes, tears, fears and laughter with me, the same as I do with you. We've ridden out the up's and down's of relationships together. We've laughed at the silliness of dating and cried at the heartbreaks of it. I wouldn't trade the last two years of this project for anything. It has made me a better, stronger, smarter, braver, more caring and open-minded person. I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world to have been able to share it all with you and for the incredible support you've all shown me.

This is why, after two years and 97 cups (3 to go!!!) I am finally asking you for something. Help me give 100 Cups of Coffee back to our nation's heroes.

Green Beans Coffee Company has coffee shops set up on Army, Navy, Marine, and Air Force Bases all over the world. For $2, you can give a soldier or sailor a few minutes of delicious refreshment and access to the internet cafe. The best part comes when you get a Thank You email, letting you know that this small donation made all the difference in someone's day. It's the greatest feeling in the world.

Love isn't always about being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend or buying them presents or spending the holidays together. Love is just a simple way of showing someone, anyone, that you care. Letting them know that they matter. And isn't that what we all want? Someone to make a gesture, take the time to say: You are important to me. Thank you for all you do.

Please take a minute out of your crazy end of year schedule, and send a Cup of Joe to someone who really deserves a break today. Comment here or on my facebook page to let me know you've done it. I'll have a special gift for one awesome reader!

Wishing you all a very happy holiday full of love.

Yours always, Kimberly Spice

http://www.greenbeanscoffee.com/coj/index.php

Ugh-Glee

Throughout this project, I have gone out with a one-armed prison guard, a man who's never left Brooklyn, two separate guys who've put me on the phone with their mothers, and a comic book nerd who cracked open his Darth Vader piggy bank to pay for our date. I shared a walk in the park with a Southerner who picked his nose and then tried to hold my hand. A Star Wars fanatic confessed his fantasy of climaxing to the Imperial March. Four different denominations of religious freaks tried to convert me. A man "moved to China" to avoid a second date. I've been stood up, let down, and everything in between. But I still can't tell my crush I'm totally into him.

I know what you're thinking: any girl who can survive 97 (so far) dates with guys who bring everything from cheat sheets to their cats out for coffee can surely bring herself to say to a cute guy "I like you." But it's just not that easy. Perhaps the reason I could go out with a man who thought a night in a hot tub was an acceptable first date is because there was no real risk there (besides being seen in a bikini!) There's no real sense of loss when your date shows you his SpiderMan watch in the first five minutes because you're pretty sure that this is not the long term future you've been pining for. You can tell you're not going to marry the Payless shoe salesman or the guy with a penchant for the original Karate Kid movies or the weirdo who is mysteriously anti-candy corn. These men are not what we call "relationship material."

But what about the man who IS relationship material? The one who captures your interest, your eye, and dare I say, your heart? What about the date where you risk really putting yourself out there, really falling for someone, and potentially getting really hurt?

This is the problem I'm having right now - mustering up the courage to tell someone I like him, someone who actually matters. The courage is only half the battle, the mechanics of doing it are the other half of the dilemma. I need the courage to face the odds, a 50/50 gamble he'll say "Yeah, that'd be great, you're super cute!" OR that he'll reject me outright and I'll be disappointed, embarrassed, and not able to show my face around him again.

Assuming I can gather all my confidence to tell my magical mystery man how I'm feeling, the other issue is how to go about getting it done! My proposals so far have included:

1) writing an email to his boss, brother, and best friend asking if he likes me and if they'd set us up on a "blind date,"

2) facebook stalking him to see where he'll be and running into him accidentally-on-purpose,

3) setting him up on a date with my non-existent girlfriend so he'll be stood up and I'll rush in to save the day

4) breaking out into a Top 40 pop song while he's shopping at the Gap, preferably with a full jazz ensemble and gorgeous back up singers in matching outfits behind me.

Of course, each of these ideas is slightly flawed in that I could

A) get him fired,

B) make the holiday season unbearable with his family & friends,

C) he'll get a restraining order, and

D) I'm not on Glee.

It is in this moment that I realize my fifteen years of dating history never truly evolved past high school. I still want to pass hand-written, intricately folded, scrawly love notes with hearts dotting the i's and flowers around my name. I still want to ask all of his friends if he "like likes" me and wait outside his classroom / locker / sports practice hoping to spot him and have four blissful minutes of inane conversation that will inevitably give me butterflies in the belly for the rest of the day. Maybe I really have been watching too much Glee for my own good, but at the ripe old age of 30, I still can't think of a better way to tell someone "I have a monster crush on you" than breaking out into song amongst preppy sweaters and enthralled onlookers.

There has to be a better way. Ugh!

When Harry Met Sally

Harry: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.

Sally: Which one am I?

Harry: You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.

Sally: I don't see that.

Harry: You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side. "On the side" is a very big thing for you.

Sally: Well, I just want it the way I want it.

Harry: I know; high maintenance.

I had an epiphany today: I am Sally.

That might not sound like an epiphany to anyone who knows me. Actually, that's probably the least news-worthy headline any woman has ever spawned. WOMAN BELIEVED TO BE "LOW MAINTENANCE" IS ACTUALLY "HIGH MAINTENANCE" - NEWS AT 11!!! Not very realistic, I know. Still, I have been under the delusion all this time that when men say they're looking for a "down-to-earth girl," they're referring to me.

I don't have grandiose expectations, you see. I'm not one of those girls walking around with a Coach bag on my arm, driving a Lexus, and sipping my custom blended Italian roasted macchiato. Not even close! I'm happy with my wardrobe from White House / Black Market, my Chrysler, and my Starbucks. I don't need to live in a mansion on the coast, I'd be very happy with a quaint Victorian or Tudor home where I can raise my little family, plant a garden in the backyard, and clean the toilets myself. I don't even have high standards when it comes to the men I date! (Harsh, but true.) Right now, all I'm looking for is straight, single, and preferably taller than me. This doesn't sound very specific because it isn't. I can't pretend my next boyfriend will look like Matt Bomer, Josh Dallas, or Michael Buble. All I ask for is someone who's nice to me, who'll provide a life for us, and be a devoted husband! Is that too much to ask???

Yet these are not the questions a potential mate wants to know the answers to. In a recent email exchange, my suitor asked me three banal questions: What is your favorite breakfast? What are your favorite flowers? Where are your favorite places to travel? Here is my actual response:

Flowers: NOT red roses, carnations, or anything with baby's breath or leather leaf (that fern crap they put in every stinkin arrangement!)

I love all other colors of roses, especially really unique ones or the kind where the tips are slightly different than the petals. Like orange & yellow or pink & white. In solid colors, I love classic yellow, pink, peach, purple, or white roses.

Also love Gerbera daisies, any other kind of daisy, stargazer lilies, sunflowers, and stephanotis. Snap dragons, sweet peas, gardenias, and gladiolas.

Breakfast - I enjoy anything with melted butter and / or maple syrup, vanilla, cinnamon, or brown sugar.

Pancakes, French toast, Dutch babies etc

Eggo waffles, but only Nutri-Grain

I like my toast slightly underdone and I don't eat the crusts

Fresh fruit, but not fruit compote

Fresh whipped cream, not whipped topping

Eggs I like scrambled, preferably with an interesting cheese.

Bacon I like crispy but not burnt.

I drink tea, but only herbal or decaf and I take sugar.

Love fresh orange juice, apple juice, cranberry juice, or any kind of juice...except grapefruit.

Travel: I lived in Europe and could absolutely do with another five years there. I want to go back to Italy, mostly Tuscany, Rome, and Sicily. I would visit France, Spain, Greece, Ireland, Norway, and Switzerland. I have very little interest in Amsterdam, Prague, or anyplace too cold or mountainous. I like history, architecture and culture but there should also be a sense of adventure. I want to experience the food, local atmosphere and people to get a good pulse on the place but am uncomfortable if I don't speak the language. I try to speak the language whenever I can but secretly hope there is an English translation as often as possible.

I am SUCH a Sally!!!

The most intimate relationship I have right now is with my Starbucks barista. He knows, from the second I walk in the store (usually to write this blog, and chat with his girlfriend) that I am having a Venti Soy Chai Latte with Hazelnut. Why does this matter? What small difference does this make in my life? It has the same impact as when anyone recalls the minutiae of our private selves - it makes us feel special and important. And isn't that what dating is all about? Letting the other person know that they are special and important to you! It's our way of saying You Matter.

The thing about dating is that it's a process of "getting to know you" which can be the best - or the worst - part of your day. Imagine the morning after your first night together, you want to make breakfast for your partner, but you have no idea how they take their tea or coffee. This is a very intimate detail, how someone takes their tea or coffee. Sugar? Milk? Decaf? Strongly brewed or two dunks of the bag and a squeeze of lemon? There are so few people who know these benign details of our daily existence. We all want what we want the exact way we want it and we don't want to have to explain to anyone why we want it that way. We just do!

I want a man who remembers the in's and out's of me, who cares about the details, who says with every fiber of his being: You Matter. You are worth the effort. You are special and important to me.

I want what I want, not because I'm demanding or high maintenance or a snotty bitch - just because it's who I am, how I think, and what my needs are. I love my birthday and hate Valentine's Day. I take my water with three cubes of ice. I sleep on the right side of the bed. And I won't apologize for any of it!

4-H Club

Alright, alright, I get it. I bummed you guys out with that last post. That was not the intention though. In this blog, and actually, in my life, I like to abide by the four H's. (No, not the 4-H Club: Head, heart, hands, and health - although I spent every summer living on those principles, bug juice, and saltwater swimming lessons. Best eight weeks ever!!!)

My four H's are: Honesty, Humor, Heart, and Hope.

While not always in that order, the whole purpose behind this blog is to find a balance between all four. I share my up's and down's with you. Why? Because I believe in doing everything whole-heartedly. Opening myself up to the possibility of love and joy in the world. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. The only way to get anything done is to put myself out there and really do it! Anything worth doing is worth doing 100% or not at all.

Honesty is always the best policy and not always one that we abide by, not even with our closest friends. How many of your girlfriends would tell you she slept next to a box of Thin Mints last night? Or cried during Once Upon A Time when Prince Charming tells Snow White, "I choose you." Isn't that what we're all looking for? Someone to look you in the eyes and say "I choose you. Today and every day. I am yours."

Love isn't always easy. It's messy and complicated and hearts get broken sometimes. Waking up with a pistachio in my hair or a butter knife under my pillow isn't getting me any dates. I know that. But maybe, just maybe, one of my incredible readers is tired of pretending everything is ok. Maybe you had your heart broken and don't want the world to know it still hurts. Maybe your friends are in awe of your strength, optimism and sunny disposition. And maybe you don't want them to know you tear up at Hallmark commercials or make love to a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough before bed each night. I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. Plain and simple.

The humor comes from knowing how ridiculous it sounds to wake up in the morning, fresh from a break up hangover and discover you ate Nutella straight from the jar? Margarine out of the tub? Oh the horror!!! I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself and weeping into the simple carbs. I am laughing at the insanity of the situation I find myself in.

The choices are laugh or cry. The choice is yours.

Finally, I look around at the mounting evidence of my heartbreak and ask myself, "How did I get here?" Wasn't it just five minutes ago that I was in a relationship? Facing the world as part of a couple, ready to take on life two-by-two? Whether you are going through a break-up or find yourself perpetually single, the answer is the same: You got here because it's where you need to be right now. Emphasis on right now. This is not where you're going to be forever. It's just a bump in the road. My hopeful romantic sides tells me that this is only one chapter in my story. Today, I woke up next to I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and I thought, "How did I get here?" But a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, I will wake up next to a handsome husband in a house of our own with maybe a few little children sleeping peacefully down the hall and I will think, "How did I get here?"

The answer is: every bad date, every failed relationship, every attempt at finding someone, every pint of ice cream, every tear-stained tissue, every sleepless night led me here. Life will not always be wine coolers and late night pizza with girlfriends dissecting why it didn't work out with this guy or that guy. It's not about those mornings we want to hide under the covers and go back to sleep. It's not the weddings or the holiday parties or the birthdays we were embarrassed to show up at sans date. It's a collection of all these experiences that make us stronger, bolder, braver, happier, and eventually, more hopeful.

I could go back and edit Butter Knives & Broken Hearts. I could end it on a more upbeat note but that doesn't feel true to the sentiments I was feeling at that time. I'd be lying if I said this was easy, that it was all sunshine and roses every day. I'd be lying if I said I was loving my single life every day. Some days I am, some days I'm not. Some days are harder than others. Some days are simply fabulous. Some days you wake up next to a condiment of your choice. But every day is ok.

Butter Knives & Broken Hearts

Hangover: You wake up next to a strange man and think - What the hell did I drink last night???

Break-Up: You wake up next to a tub of margarine and think - What the hell did I eat last night???

There is an unwritten list of things a woman with a broken heart should not find herself in the company of. Butter knives and bad boys are on top of that list. Yet that is what I woke up to this morning. (The butter knife, not the bad boy. That is a very different kind of blog!)

We've all been there. The morning after blur of events gone by. Recapturing the night before. Trying to put the broken pieces back together in the glaring light of day. Think, Kimberly, think!

My sweatpants are in a pile on the floor, mixed up with various Girl Scout cookies.

I am wearing nothing but toe socks.

There's a spoon sticking straight out of a jar of Nutella on my desk.

There are three seasons of Glee downloaded to my Netflix account.

A torn open packet of French vanilla hot chocolate is stuck to the night table.

A salted pistachio is caught in my hair.

My web browser shows a history of funny cat pictures and several Google searches of my ex's name.

There's a Butterfinger wrapper being used as a bookmark in my copy of The Help.

I woke up with a tub of margarine in my bed.

This. Is. Bad.

I was wondering why I was itchy all night. My sleep was broken and restless at best. In my sunrise stricken stupor, I spot the ten million breadcrumbs that account for the feeling of being attacked by fire ants. Trouble is, I don't see any bread.

Oh, no! The bread is gone, but the plastic bag and the butter knife are under my pillow. I ate the whole damn bag?!?! AND I tried to hide the evidence?!?! More than that, I was snuggling silverware? This is definitely a new low for me.

How many more boxes of candy cane Oreos must sacrifice their lives for me to prove to myself and the world that I don't need a man? Because maybe - just maybe, I do. I do need someone in my bed, holding me at night, prying the Rocky Road ice cream out of my hands, kissing my sticky sweet lips, and telling me it's all going to be ok. Someone to wipe my salted caramel tears away, get me a fresh glass of water, and calm me down from my sugar high. Someone strong and secure to make me see myself as beautiful, and get me to step away from the not-so-complex carbs. Someone to cuddle up to, who (unlike the butter knife) won't cut me, hurt me, make me bleed when I am at my most vulnerable.

Dump-lings

There are few things more nerve-racking than a promising first date. We girls spend days, weeks, or even months chatting with a boy we like, getting to know him, checking our email five times a day, jumping every time the phone rings, in the hopes of hearing from our latest crush. We're busy, modern women, mind you. We don't have time to sit around waiting for him to contact us. Just like we don't have time to get our eyebrows threaded or our toes painted. Yet, somehow, when that first date starts creeping up on us, we make time.

Then we obsess with our girlfriends over every message exchanged, every detail provided, searching for clues about his personality, his past life, whether he's a potential match for the future. We scrutinize each outfit we own, our hairstyle, our choice of manicure, praying we impress the hell out of him. Why we suddenly doubt our own fabulousness is beyond me. There's just something about starting a potential new life with a potential new partner that shakes us up a bit. Wavers the confidence with which we usually carry our high heads. Like I said, nerve-racking.

So imagine my surprise when a guy I've exchanged only three messages with asks me out! Three??? I hardly know him. Sure, he's got a great profile and a nice bunch of photos but people lie all the time and barely anybody looks like their pictures. I only just jumped back into the dating game. I'm not ready to meet someone so soon. Am I???

The answer from my girlfriends is a resounding YES. Get back out there. Throw caution to the wind and go. Have fun. Why wait a month for someone when this guy is asking you out right now?!?!

Ok. I'll do it.

He wants to meet for lunch today! I don't have time to pick out the perfect outfit, color my hair, get my nails done. (Scream. Sigh. Slump shoulders.)

So what? If he likes ME, he likes ME. Guys don't really care what you're wearing as long as you look good because then you'll feel good. Come at them smiling and they're happy as can be.

Fast forward 3 hours, 2 wardrobe changes, and 1 inside out umbrella...

I am wrapped up tight in my swanky new trenchcoat, wearing my fab new dress, on my way to coffee with NotEasyBeingGreen. It is raining cats and dogs and I wonder why I bothered blow drying my hair at the last minute. We meet under an awning in midtown where I'm hiding out from the awful weather and he enfolds me in one of those huge bear hugs that big guys are great at giving. In one fell swoop, I go from shivering on the outside to toasty warm on the inside. He's sweet and chivalrous and protects both of us from the elements under his umbrella (since mine is clearly broken) while we walk to the closest coffee shop. He keeps one arm around my waist "to make sure I don't wander out into the wetness."

I am surprised how quickly he's put me at ease as we chatter away down the dark city streets. He holds doors open, pays for drinks, pulls my chair out, listens intently when I talk. He's an absolute gentleman, full of genuine compliments and intelligent conversation. Has his own business, great apartment, Irish charm. He's travelled the world, earned two Master's degrees, and speaks several languages. He's perfect...on paper.

There is nothing wrong with him. Honestly, nothing at all. I tried for almost two hours to find a flaw, something, anything to pick apart, make him memorable. Waiting for him to say something stupid, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But there were no shoes in sight. He's normal. And kinda boring.

For all the visions of sugar plums dancing in my heads as he spoke of frequent flyer miles racked up hoping for a partner to lavish them on, I knew in my heart it wouldn't be me on the plane with him. His suit tailor made in Dubai, his shoes hand crafted from China, his black wool coat personally styled from Ireland. They all seem like pipe dreams, a million miles away. What I need is right here, right now. I need chemistry. I need spark. I need an irrefutable attraction and it's quite simply missing. All the money, new clothes, and Park Slope apartments in the world can't make up for that.

I know what you're thinking. I whine when they're crazy and now I'm complaining that this guy is totally sane? But I'm not. I liked him. I really did. He was the kind of guy I could see myself being great friends with. Crap. Why can't I make myself feel something for him???

He gives me another bear hug good-bye at the end of the night and says he'd really like to see me again. Perhaps next time we can do dinner? Convinced that first impressions aren't always right, I smile in agreement, looking forward to spending more time with him. Maybe getting to know him better will change my perspective?

Fast forward 3 hours, 2 hot chocolates and 1 train ride home...

Me: I had a really nice time tonight :-)

Him: Me too. Would love to do it again soon.

Me: That'd be great!

Him: Sadly, I'm leaving for China on Friday.

Me: Oh...for how long?

Him: A month. Maybe more.

Me: Oh...

Him: I'll call you when I get back?

Me: Sure. Have fun in China. PS: Don't order Chinese food there. I think they just call it food! ;-P

Him: Cute. See you in a month.

Option A) He really is going to China. For a month.

Option B) He is going to visit his wife. And kids. In prison.

Option C) He has no desire to see me again and was just being polite.

I've been dump(ling)ed.

Notes on Being Stood Up

Most days start out like any other. They are interchangeable. Unrecognizable from one to the next. But not today. Today is DATE NIGHT!!!

I woke up yesterday with cheers of joy caught in my throat. They startled me mid-dream, waking me from peaceful slumber. Waking up on the day you *think* is date night, only to realize you are twenty-four hours early is a bit like waking up thinking it's Christmas morning - the presents are under the tree, the stockings are full to the brim, the pancakes are bubbling away on the stovetop ready to be smothered in melting butter and hot maple syrup - except that the underskirt of the tree are still bare, the stockings are empty, and you're stuck having Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast again. It's Christmas Eve. You're early and inexplicably disappointed.

So yesterday, I threw off the covers and leaped out of bed with a song in my heart. But there was Mean Old Mr Calendar laughing at my song and my heart, taunting that I had wait yet another day for date night...sigh...

I even called my date to say how ridiculous I'd been. That I was so looking forward to our evening together, I tried to fast forward time by a whole day. Giggling at my silly, school-girl self, hoping he knew what I was really trying to say: I Like You.

We've been talking for what feels like forever, facebooking, texting, chatting on the phone. The conversation is always so easy, so natural, so light. He makes me laugh in a way I haven't in a good, long while. He's smart and funny and strong and tall and has a great job and a great family and I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up and just relax, take it easy, see where things go. I don't want to put any pressure on either of us to make something out of this. I'm just happy to spend some time with him. He seems to really look forward to spending time with me too. (Let's face it, I'm kind of awesome!)

So this morning was all systems GO!!! Shower, dry my hair, pick out my perfect outfit, give myself a pedicure. I even shaved my legs --- hey, you never know! That's when I get a text from him: Might not be able to make it tonight.

Ummm, what?

I'm really sorry. Can we please re-schedule for another time? I'll make it up to you, I promise.

The only thing worse than being truly disappointed by a man is pretending you aren't disappointed by a man.

Of course I tell him, sure, yeah, no problem, call me another time, we'll figure something out. But what I'm really sitting here doing is writing this blog in my bathrobe desperately trying not to cry.

I like him, you see. I got excited. I got my hopes up. I was finally thinking: Yay! A date with a guy I'm interested in. A guy who's not a loser. A guy with potential, promise, possibility. Someone to distract me from all the other idiots out there that don't stand a chance. Someone who makes me smile.

The thing is, I'm sure he has a good reason. They always have a good reason, don't they? He's not a total jerk trying to blow me off (I don't think) because I wouldn't be this upset about it if he was! It's just that we've tried getting together several times before and every single time we make "tentative plans," something inevitably comes up!

He has to work late (sorry), he's sick (sorry), he's studying for a test (sorry), he has a friend with an emergency (sorry), he'll be away on vacation (sorry), something always comes up! Stupid me, I always believe him because I am a big fan of giving someone "the benefit of the doubt" and because I like him so much, in my head he likes me that much too. But is he really just that busy? Or am I getting the brush off and I'm too smitten to see it???

Why am I telling you all of this? Because dating isn't always easy. It's not all roses and sunshine and walks in the park. It's excitement and nerves and disappointment and humor and heartbreak and hope and honesty all the way. Am I embarrassed to admit to the world I got stood up on a Friday night? Absolutely. But more than embarrassed, I'm upset. I'm upset at him for letting me down but I'm even more upset with myself for putting my trust in a man who hasn't earned it yet.

I had to talk to someone. My sister, Kat is brutally honest. Please understand that when I say "brutally honest" I mean just that. She tells you the truth like you don't want to hear it. She doesn't believe in sugar-coating anything. She's blunt as a baseball bat. When I want somebody to be nice to me, I ask my mother. When I need a kick in the head, I ask Kat.

Me: Why does this keep happening to me?

Kat: Because you only want guys you can't have.

Me: Why do I do that?

Kat: Because you don't think you deserve to be happy.

Is she right? Have I been dating men all along - hell, even marrying men - that make me miserable because I don't believe I deserve happiness in my love life???

I thought I'd been working to change that! These past two years, I've been on a self-reflective journey to figure out who I am, what I want, and all this time I've been sabotaging myself from the inside? I refuse to believe that.

The only way to fight the guilty verdict is to do something about it. I am going to take off this bathrobe, throw on my super cute outfit, and go out with some girlfriends tonight. I don't care who I have to rope into taking me out on the town. I've wallowed in self-pity long enough waiting for a man to come rescue me. It's time I rescued myself.

I have so many amazing friends. There are plenty of options for Friday night fun. Am I sad that plans with Mr Wonderful didn't work out? Yes I am. But hiding behind this computer isn't going to make him (or anyone else) fall head over heels for me. I'm doing this for myself. Shake off that "stood up" feeling, swipe on some "I feel pretty" make-up, and forget all about men for a while.

Wish me luck!