Fool Me Twice

“Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has them and most of them stink. “ - The Dead Pool

I have been overwhelmed with your kind (and not so kind) thoughts and comments this weekend. Believe me when I tell you that I’ve taken everything you’ve said to heart and thought about it non-stop. For those who saw me go through the break-up with Kit in September, you know how heart breaking it was for me. Now that you all know I’ve been *considering* taking him back for the past few months, finding out that he hasn’t been faithful even after being graciously granted another chance is even harder. 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you twice. 

I loved Kit with all my heart and he took that for granted. He broke my trust and I can never, ever get it back. I know now that looking for the good in someone doesn’t mean there is any, no matter how much you want to see it. I also know that I deserve better than being kicked in the face by the man I’m faithful to, knocked down again and again every time I get up. It took me a long time to see this, and I regret those months lost, but I do not regret the lesson learned. I will NEVER make that mistake again. 

I have tried to keep up with your questions, comments, concerns and remarks. It’s only fair to acknowledge both sides of the story so here are the write-ins so far. Not everyone will agree with my decision to link Megan Marks’ post to my blog and that’s ok. I didn’t ask for anyone’s permission, nor am I asking for forgiveness. She stood up for a total stranger by posting those chats, which I admit, I copied and pasted out to friends and readers in the midst of my emotional turmoil in the Autumn. Several of you can attest to this because you also received the email from me. I do apologize for the offensive, graphic, and explicit nature of the chats, but please keep in mind that I did NOT write those. Those messages were sent between Kit & Erica...while I was sleeping, in the shower, or making him lunch. I truly hope you can understand that my stomach turned while reading them too, and I was just as grossed out as you were, likely more so. 

There is a strength that comes from reaching deep, deep down into the darkest corners of your soul, surviving things you never thought you could handle. You might not come out unscathed, but hopefully the bumps and bruises will heal, and the scars won’t last forever. Not all of you think that I handled this situation with grace and poise, but some of you do, and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. 

And now, to reply to your comments:

Melissa: No matter how hurt you are, no one has the right to destroy another person's name in such a public fashion. This is shameful, and Erica just earned my sympathies. Megan Marks should be careful that she doesn't get a lawsuit brought against her. There's nothing heroic about this.

Me: My goal has never been to hurt or destroy anyone but there is nothing sympathetic about a person who ruins someone else's relationship. I haven't uttered a bad word against either party but readers have a right to know what other opinions are out there.

Melissa: Erica wasn't the one in a relationship with you; Kit was. The only people who can ruin a relationship are the ones who are in it. Erica was a tertiary player at best, and while she isn't a sympathetic person to you, for obvious reasons, some common sense has to come into play here. Megan should take this site down, without question. She can't justify a website like this.

Me: I can't explain her motives or even tell you when it was written. I'm still undecided how I fell about it. Part of me is humiliated. Part of me is flattered. For someone to stand up for a total stranger is gutsy but this seems to be her issue: it's not with the men who cheat, it's with the other women. We should all have each others' backs.

Sasha: Wow Kimberly Spice I really thought you were better than this... Why don't you put KIT'S whole name out there. He's the one who started this whole mess. I really would implore you or Megan Marks to take that site down. While what Erica did is of course not okay and completely selfish, it's also not okay to put someone's name out there. The same thing happened to me and I knew I couldn't go down to her level and be immoral like her. Instead I kicked that joke of a man to the CURB and never looked back. This is cyber bullying...and one of the worst I have ever seen. I work with students that face this everyday and while they might have done something to anger someone else, CYBER BULLYING is NEVER okay...this is not having your back. No matter how you look at it someone having your back would have been there for you emotionally and advised you that it damages your mental and emotional health to stay in this drama. Now your name and Megan marks' name is all over this horrible website. I'm truly disturbed by this because I deal with this on a weekly basis...

Me: I completely understand where you're coming from but think about it this way: it's my name too. If your boyfriend had cheated on you, curled up in your arms every night while he was saying the things he said to that woman, would you publish that? I think not. I emailed a few friends and fans with it last year as a reminder to myself of his betrayal, hoping to stay strong. But I didn't make it public knowledge. I was the one who got cheated on. It was my heart that was broken. And this is hard for me too.

Sasha: You have to take responsibility for your part in this - no one would have known that site existed had you not posted it for us all to see. It's like saying 'hey everybody there's a huge wreck outside and don't go to look at it.' I have been there in a situation much like yours like I said but I'm just saying that its wrong to put that out there and then endorse this type of bullying. You are a public figure due to your blog and are entitled but I just could not stand by and say nothing. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find someone that has dignity and and treats you right.

Me: I take full responsibility for posting the link to my blog BUT I struggled with the decision all day . It didn't come lightly and I'm still torn. Still, she did something brave and stood up for me which I can't ignore either. I'm not saying I agree with it or condone it but I do appreciate that she meant well. Thank you for expressing your opinions and for the well wishes. It really means a lot.

Laura R: Okay, I don't care or agree with anything anyone said. I am HAPPY you posted this. I have been lied to and cheated on countless times and I think it's more than fine to put this up. You didn’t write this. And on top of all that, everyone was on your side when you wrote about her in the break up blog, but now everyone wants to bash you? Yeah okay, that's stupid. Thank you for putting this up. I'd say just delete all the negative reactions you are getting, or remove the people who are commenting telling you they lost respect for you or whatever. How can anyone pity the "other woman" esp when she knows for a fact that man is taken... These women bashing you and saying you are a bully, are probably THE OTHER WOMAN.

Me: I totally get where you’re coming from and THANK YOU for understanding. You’re right that nobody threw a stink in October when the situation first arose, but I don’t blame them for being upset about it now. The in between time has given readers - if not me - a chance to forget about Kit. I only wish I could do the same. I would never delete the “negative” responses though because the whole premise of my writing is leveling with you guys. To do that, everyone gets a chance to share their opinions. They won’t always agree with me and that’s ok. Nobody has strapped them to a chair and forced them to read 100 Cups of Coffee. It’s like tv - if you don’t enjoy the show, CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!

Andrea: Kim, when you started this site, didnt you agree to share the GOOD and the BAD AND the UGLY? This is actually what you are doing. The world is watching you drink 100 cups of coffee and taking it in, and then bashing you for showing others remarks??? Did they bash you with Mr pinfeathers??? (no we laughed) Did they bash you with Macman???? (no, they wished you well) Readers need to realize that this is exactly what it is... your life now A BLOG about divorce, lost relations, dates, happiness, and laughter. Smile Kim... do not apologize for the actions of the Megans, or Kits, or Ericas of the world. Slander by definition is any false or defamatory words spoken about a person; when one hurts another in words or gestures by being UNTRUTHFUL... you have proof. In addition, opinions which are stated are not that of your doing. Be strong. Continue to share ALL!

Me: Yes, I did and I’m holding to that promise. Am I embarrassed to admit I caved in my convictions to kick Kit to the curb? Yes, a little. But readers deserve to know that I was willing to overlook his flaws, his mistakes, his bad judgement - and he made them all over again which is NOT ok. I share everything with you guys because I know that somewhere, someone has gone through (or is still going through) the same things I am and it just helps knowing that they’re not alone. Thank you for the support, the love and the laughter. You’re my rock!

Melissa: To Laura and Andrea: I wasn't bashing Kim in the slightest. But to compare Megan's blog to Kim's post about "Mr. Pinfeathers" is insane. It's not remotely the same thing. Quite honestly, it makes Kim look really bad. Every woman who's been cheated on gets a vicarious thrill when another woman gets revenge on a louse of an ex. But Sasha's right. If I hadn't seen this on Kim's page, I never would've known about it, so Kim is doing nothing to stop this madness, just perpetuating it. The relationship is over. Deal with it, but don't drag someone's name and reputation down just because you have a blog and are still so hurt that you use a public forum to exact your vengeance. If people Google Erica's name and see Megan's blog, that could affect her future terribly. Yes, her role in this was bad, but does she deserve to pay for this forever? No. Kim and Kit were the ones in the relationship. Put the blame where it belongs and move on. I've been cheated on, too. I've been hurt, too. The blame belongs on the guy who said he loved me.

Me: You’re *absolutely* right --- the blame belongs on the guy who said he loved me.

Laura A: Wow - this is crazy. I believe the best justice in this matter is to no longer give Kit and Erica any more attention. Let's never mention them again and let them be on their way - they'll get theirs some day. As I say that, by not mentioning them anymore, will help Kim in her healing process and allow her to move on. As for the whole slander thing, Megan should be careful. Megan posted the truth but remember - once its on the internet - it will always be out there.  Come on ladies - this blog is about our loves, our lost, our tears and our laughter. We shouldn't be after each other like this. Let us ALL move on and forget Kit and Erica - life has something in store for people like that. We love you Kim.

Me: I truly appreciate and respect all of your comments and concerns regarding Megan's blog yesterday. I chose to post it to my facebook and I take responsibility for that. The heart makes wild decisions when it's broken. While I cannot take down the web page itself, I am removing the link from this site. You can of course, still find it through my blog should you choose to read it. Thank you all for the support you have shown me and the encouragement to move on. With love always, Kimberly Spice

Christi: All's fair in betrayal and internet. There should be such a thing as a "betray-o-meter" that weighs all of the circumstances involved and gives an accurate reading of whether a second chance might be advisable or even possible. Until then we will have to deal with our emotions which constantly prove to be wildly erratic and dangerously balanced toward making bad choices. Even after betrayal we heal, as long as we move forward :)

Me: All’s fair in love and war. It’s just that now, both love and war take place on the internet :-)

Christine: I have a name for her to add to her list. Don't be ashamed. If they are willing to do the crime, they should be subjected to the consequences.

Me: I think she’s taking suggestions for names. From what I gather, mine is not the first “other woman” situation she’s exposed, and I’m guessing won’t be the last!

Krista Lynn: I also have to wonder how Megan was able to obtain these conversations. While Kit has proven himself to be the pig we know he is, she has not proven much better of herself. I have a Ms. Piggy of my own. I loathe her. But I don't have the courage enough to post what you or Megan have posted. I live vicariously through you in that way, lol

Me: I emailed a few friends and readers when I found the chats in the Fall. I copied and pasted the messages (found on my own laptop) for two reasons: to ask if they thought it was cheating and to help me stay strong. Some people think it's not cheating on the Internet. I do. Some people think I could forgive Kit / take him back. It's just not an option anymore :-(

Misty: I guess that is no solidarity in sisterhood. I would never knowingly do that to another woman, regardless of how I felt about the dude. And if a dude said he loved me, I would be crushed that he would go date someone closer. I guess I hold love I a higher regard. Sometimes second chances aren't a bad thing, Kim. But the person getting it needs to be truly worth it. I am sure you felt he was, I'm sure of it. The fact that he couldn't just be a stand up guy for you the first time and especially after you decided to give him another chance just proves how stupid he is not you. You just proved that people with a good heart and truly love someone else doesn't just give up, they try again.

Me: The lesson here is never fall for a man who won’t stand up for you.

Diana: Hi Kim! I just read about yesterday. I am so very sorry. I too gave undeserved second and even third chances. Please know that it really is possible to forget or at the very least, remember only the bad freaking memories. That was when I knew I was over my scum bag, every time I think of him (it would be a lie to say I don't) it is all bad and leaves me with nothing but a bitter taste. 

Me: Oh, good. I was staring to think I was the only girl in the world who ever considered taking back her cheating, lying, no good ex! Thanks for letting ME know I’m not alone!!! Lol

Stefanie: Um... I just read that and I have chills.. you're amazing!

Sara: Love you girl. Hold that head up high

Me: Stef & Sara - you are my life support. Thank you for helping me stay strong, always! 

Jen: Kit is an uncaring, using dirtbag, no doubt. I've read your blog for a while now, and I really feel for you. However. I am going to say that is way out of bounds to publish their actual names, and their private conversations. Kit cheated on you. Kit did, not this girl. This girl has no reason to be loyal to you, and you and others destroying her on the internet, which could affect her in a million different ways... and may even affect her employment is wrong. Worse, it is immature. We've all had our hearts broken, and the way that you've put all of this out there in vivid detail says much more about you then it does about either of them.

Me: I completely understand what you're saying and you are absolutely right. What I published says A LOT about my character. The thing is that I've been pushed around for 30 years and I have never fought back, not once. When Kit & I broke up in September, and realized how much we still loved & missed each other, I called Erica and begged her to back off. She promised me she would never speak to him again, never chat with anyone else like this again, never destroy another relationship again (especially mine!) She was just as responsible in the breaking of promises and the stabbing of back as he was. That aside, this blog is my confessional, my dear diary if you will. I wanted to explain to you all that I wasn't always as strong as I'd like to be but I don't know a single woman out there who hasn't *considered* the possibility of taking back her stinking, lying, no good boyfriend or husband. We deserve better than men who disrespect us, men who walk all over us, men who treat us like crap. I gave him a second chance and I got knocked down for it. I have never hit anyone first, but I finally hit back. You don't have to agree with my actions, I don't expect that everyone will and that's ok. But maturity comes in all different forms. Right now, the mature thing to do is walk away. And so I am.

Jen: You are much better of without him. No question. My concern is that you have taken for granted that this heartbreak, and this pain will fade. You'll meet someone else, you'll move on, and it won't hurt anymore. However. Even if Megan Marks pulls that site down, even if you go through and delete every instance where you chose to use this girls real name, when you google her, screenshots of those pages will still exist. So, 2 years from now, when I really hope you'll be living your happily ever after with the right guy... she'll still be screwed. Did she really deserve a life sentence? Because even skimming through the conversations I get the sense that she really loves Kit, and that he was leading her on and lying to her. Kit is hurting her too.... where is the solidarity? (Which for the record, I think is a fairy tale). Good luck Kim.

Sara: I love you but Jen actually has as much of a point as you do. Once on the Internet always on the Internet. What if her kids read that someday.....or her hopeful future employer? You know I'm all for the revenge but once the dust settles it WAS a private conversation now made VERY public.

Me: Jen, the sad fact is that she met him once, four years ago. They’ve had an internet “friendship” since then --- whereas he and I had a serious, in person relationship for six months, to the point that we were living together and planning a wedding. I understand that she has very little self-worth, enough to whore herself out to a man who degrades her online and for that, I truly feel sorry for her. She seems to think she doesn’t deserve real love, or a real relationship and that’s horrible. But she knew he was with me, why would she *continue* to devalue herself and engage in a taken man? It’s not a fairy tale, but I do believe in true love and happy endings. Maybe not the storybook kind but something even better.

Muzette: First, I hate that you've had to go through this. It is painful, hurtful, it destroys trust, and makes has the ability to make you cynical. It sucks that Kit wasn't the guy for you, although at first he looked like he was. I've been through this, and I too, left the door open a crack. And I too, got burned again. I was embarrassed and so mad at myself. But I learned. And apparently I had to go through that lesson again to completely learn what I needed to learn. I hope you are able to walk away from Kit and Erica and learn from this and not let someone who has the potential to hurt you like that ever hurt you again. The people we let in our heart know how to hurt us the most - but the ones that truly love us don't use that against us. Cheers to you for not hibernating (which I tend to do), but putting it all out there -the good, the bad and the ugly, owning it and trying to be stronger because of it. You will make it and you will look back one day and be eternally grateful that the "kit" people in your life are gone and left room for that new magnificent person you will have.

Me: Thank you, that’s so incredibly sweet. Not a lot of people understand how humiliating it is to be cheated on, as though it’s a reflection of the person you are, as though you aren’t a good enough girlfriend to be loyal to. What I’ve learned from this is that I was a terrific girlfriend to Kit, better than anything he could have hoped for and better than anything he’d ever had before. He told me on a regular basis that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him (as I’m sure you were to your ex as well.) The cheating was his fault, and it is a reflection of his character, not mine. I don’t question a single move I made in our relationship and I don’t regret how much I loved him. He just wasn’t worthy of it, but someday, a man will be...that much I know.

V: Guess what, haters? Kit entered this relationship with Kim with FULL KNOWLEDGE that he was seeing a DATING BLOGGER. Hence HIS OWN POST ON HER BLOG. By extension, Erica knows too. Sucks for Kit that he was too stupid, careless, and arrogant to continue these kinds of communications with Erica, the whole time undermining Kim's care and love, and taking advantage of it and her, and underestimating her intelligence, while he is clearly a LOSER WITH NO JOB. He is a USER.  At the end of the day, Kim is a blogger and has been forthright about her dating life from the inception of this goddamn website. Kit knew about it. He exposed both himself and Erica to the scrutiny of anyone who reads this blog, be it Kim's friends, his friends, or strangers to both. KIT is to blame. Feel sorry for Erica, but don't blame Kim for her exposure.  Where is Erica now? Likely hiding under a rock, probably has deleted her Facebook page, and it no doubt sucks to be her. But LOOK at what she willingly participated in. LOOK at what she did. Is Kit with HER now? Is she Kit's "slut" now? WAS IT WORTH IT??? She is not AS much to blame as Kit, but a disgusting pawn. Erica is pathetic, a lovelorn, whatever the female version of 'cuckolded' is.   But Kit is more pathetic. Sucks that Kit is a horrible example of men, that this is not even that unique of a story, and that one more fabulous lady has to add distrust to her arsenal of feelings/emotions.   It sucks for Erica too. You want this man, Erica? You think you'll ever have him? Was it all worth it?

Me: Um, I know I don’t know you, but I kinda love you. THANK YOU for that!!! (PS: No, they’re not together. Surprise, surprise!)

Misha: Correct me if I'm wrong, but the first time, the chatting was happening on Facebook where it publicly said that Kit and Kim were dating. So if she doesn't want her dirty laundry (Erica) aired, then perhaps she shouldn't have carried on with someone that it wasn't her business to carry on with. Someone that she knew was otherwise with someone that wasn't her.  The old adage is you lose them the way you get them...she picked him up by him being a lying cheating bastard, he's going to do it to her as well and she's only got herself to blame.

Me: Yes, we were “in a relationship” on Facebook, not to mention posting on each other’s walls every single day. Things like “Know what makes my whole day better? You do!!!” and photos of everything we did together. Pictures from family parties, bbq’s with friends, the botanical gardens, walking around the city, etc etc. Anyone who knew us knew for a fact that we were madly in love. Erica chose to ignore the fact that he was publicly in a relationship with me, and hunt after him anyway. Which (in my humble opinion) makes her equally accountable!

Anon: I hope for your sake that the door stays sealed shut from now on.

Me: Oh, IT WILL!!!

Anon: You are so much better off without him.

Me: It took me a long time to see that but I 100% know it now :-)

When One Door Closes

My dearest readers,

I have not been completely honest with you. But I'm about to be. Hope you're ready.

You come to this blog for faith, for hope, for support. You come to read about my dating disasters, my ups and downs, and my humorous approach to romance in the age of technology. You read for inspiration. You read to know you're not alone. You read because there is someone out there who is going through the same thing you are and understands that love is neither easy nor perfect. You read because I get you.

In the past two years, I have been painfully honest with you. I've confessed to crapping my khaki pants on a date in the park. I've admitted to being the girl ballsy enough to ask out her crush on Twitter for millions of viewers to see, and humble enough to acknowledge when I got turned down. I've recalled the intimate moments of a marriage gone wrong, a heart broken, lives torn apart. You know when I am eating a bowl of cereal at my kitchen counter for dinner because I cannot bring myself to cook a meal for one.

You know all this and you (hopefully) love me anyway.

Actually, I think that many of you adore this blog because of - and not in spite of - my flaws. I'm not perfect. I'm not some Hollywood starlet or New York society girl whining about not having a boyfriend. Some Saturday nights, I am perfectly content staying home with a bottle of wine, a box of cookies, and a full lineup on my Netflix. Do I enjoy dating? Usually, yes. Do I dress up, go out, have fun, make friends, meet men, and put myself out there on a daily basis? Also yes. Somewhere in between these worlds exists a girl who manages to stay sane and strong in the face of heartbreak, in the face of everything crumbling around her.

I am holding it together because you - the readers - make me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I am forever indebted to your encouragement, love and support.

This is why I owe you an explanation about my moment of weakness. We all have them. It's just that I've been remiss in sharing mine with you.

When Kit and I broke up in September, I thought my world was over. Life as I knew it, the future we'd started to build together, was gone. Suddenly, all those dreams of a Disney wedding and quiet home and kids playing soccer had vanished right before my eyes. I came home to an apartment he no longer lived in --- because I'd kicked him out. I had made the choice to end our relationship and it's no exaggeration to say that the decision took me less than 30 seconds to make.

Find out Kit is cheating.

Scream.

Cry.

Call him screaming and crying.

Tell him not to come back.

Pack his belongings.

Write FUCK YOU on every box in black Sharpie.

Wait for him to pick up his stuff.

The next line should read: Never look back. I wish it did. I wish more than anything that I had the strength to say without a doubt that I didn't regret my decision. That I didn't question it every single day from then until now.

The heart is a curious thing, you see. When you love someone as much as I loved Kit, when you're as happy as I was with him, when you see the shore line coming up on the horizon, you don't ever want to let that go. The heart, even in its broken state, will try to fix things, rationalize them, make them better. The heart is always the champion of love, even when the mind tries to dissuade it. I am someone who has always followed my heart - often against my better judgement - often against advice of friends and family - and I've gotten hurt. I've gotten kicked in the face more times than I can count. The only thing I do know is that I always get back up bigger, tougher, and more determined than before.

My mind knew that what Kit did was wrong. Without a doubt, absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. But my heart...oh my heart ached for him in ways I didn't know was possible. It felt like a piece of me was missing when he was gone. Not something vital like a liver or a lung, but something incredibly noticeable like an arm or a leg. A visible piece of you that you technically could live without but you wouldn't want to and life would never be the same.

So instead of slamming the door closed in his face, I left it open a crack. I hoped against all odds that he would see the light, that he would change, that the error of his ways would overtake his conscience, he'd grow up, and we could work things out. I believed that if we both wanted it enough, if we could find it in our hearts to accept and forgive each other, we'd be ok. My double-sided virtue and vice is that I look for the good in people. I want to see it. In my experience, you can find anything if you look for it hard enough. I ignored my instincts that Kit had betrayed me and would do it again. I let him talk me into giving him a second chance.

I had only been entertaining the thought for a little while, flip flopping back and forth on my decision. I couldn't come to a complete conviction either way, so I left room for either possibility. He would grow up, change into the man I believed him capable of being, I would forgive him and we would move on OR I couldn't bring myself to trust him again and would have to let him go for the good of everyone involved.

We talked, mostly through text or facebook, and I saw him a few times. I tried to keep an open mind but my heart betrayed me. My face clearly lit up the moment he was in the room and all my logic went out the window. I was still the smitten kitten I'd been since Day One with Kit, except that now I was skittish around him too, making for a whirlpool of emotional turmoil.

We had some intense conversations about our future, analyzed our past, and he seemed truly ready to learn from it. He said all the things I wanted to hear, knowing that I loved him enough to take him back eventually. It was a matter of time. My entire family was livid at him. My friends hated him for what he put me through. Even his friends offered me comfort and condolences for his actions. They apologized on his behalf when he couldn't do it himself.

Just when I thought everything was going well and maybe - just maybe - I could really open up and let myself trust him again, another bomb blew up in my face. You see, Kit hasn't had a full time job in several years, so to save him some money, I'd put his phone number on my plan. I know, I know, combining finances seems crazy after only six months of dating but please remember that I *thought* I was going to marry this man and we were already living together. Sadly, he hasn't had the money since we broke up to pay for his own plan either, so I've been covering the expense for both of us. Yes, I am THAT BIG of a pushover.

When I logged on to the AT&T website this morning to pay the phone bill, I noticed that his text messages were *way* over their norm. Typically, who he talks to is his business and I don't care but I had to know how I sent 747 texts last month and he sent over 2,048! There it was, on my phone bill, page after page after page of text messages sent back and forth between Kit and Erica Whats-her-fuck-ski.

Are you fucking kidding me???

Over 1,400 texts between them this month alone. He's been emailing / texting / calling / facebooking me with the right hand and chatting with her *again* with the left. It's like building a sand castle with one hand and digging out from under it with the other. Who does that???

I was shaking uncontrollably. My mouth went dry and my limbs went weak. My head was pounding and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. How could this be happening again? Had I allowed it to? Or was he really just that stupid?

Two things happened at the end of this story: The first is that I Googled Erica's name and came up with this blog written by Megan Marks http://ericawondolowski.blogspot.com/ Here, Megan thanks me for being her dating inspiration and venerates Erica for KNOWINGLY being Kit's mistress.

Megan, whoever you are, wherever you are, I cannot thank you enough for your kind words about me and my writing. I couldn't bring myself to post anything on here about her and Kit after the fact. You did what I never would have had the courage to do.

Secondly, I used Kit's credit card to pay off the phone bill.

Door officially closed.

PanicGirl and MacMan

Just 24 hours ago, the unthinkable happened. My laptop - my precious Apple MacBook Pro - crashed. With it, my entire world came crashing down around me.

It's no secret that I've been working to turn this blog into a book which will contain 80% new material. That means you've never read it, and I've never written it. My proposal has been tweaked, edited, reformatted, and rewritten. It's been lovingly slaved over for months now. I have several more grey hairs and several less hours of sleep logged to prove it. If you are looking for me on any given day, chances are you can find me at the same Starbucks table, French vanilla soy chai on one side. Rice Krispie treat on the other. Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo and Blogger open in tabs on my screen. Page after page of my own dating disasters making me laugh, tugging at my tears, bringing back memories of a marriage gone wrong, a severely broken heart, and amazing friends made along the way.

Until yesterday, when you would have seen me doubled over my table, crying and begging my barista to (and I quote) FIX IT!!!

My mouse had been acting funny, randomly highlighting paragraphs and deleting them. The keyboard was slow to react and I was getting that sinking feeling good parents have when their child is ill. My baby, my shiny silver 17" baby, was sick and their was nothing I could do. Just as I turned the screen around for John (from here on known as "The Savior") to see what was happening, the power cord came detached and the whole screen went black.

It was the scream heard round the Starbucks.

Panic set in. Absolute fear. Pure terror. I had spent the afternoon writing an awesome blog (Cat Lady gets me every time!) and adding thirteen pages to my book proposal, basically due tomorrow. I suddenly felt like the negligent student on the first day of school who hadn't done her homework while the rest of the class has already read the entire textbook. Can they fire you from writing your own book? Probably. What is the equivalent of capitol punishment amongst authors? Is caning still around? Will they switch my hands with a ruler? Oh. My. God. I think I'm having a heart attack. This can't be happening. It just can't.

Breathe, I hear John say. Breathe, Kim. Just keep breathing. We'll fix it. We'll figure it out. Stay calm. It will be ok. Please breathe.

Thirty minutes and two restarts later, we still can't find the cause of the problem, nor can we find a cure. With the power cable plugged in, the computer turns on but John is not a Mac guy and I'm not what you'd call tech-savvy. What we can see is that the battery on the bottom of the laptop is warped, which may explain why it's not holding a charge. I pack up my bags and drive slightly faster than the legal limit to the Apple store in the mall which closes a little too soon for my liking.

I leave Starbucks crying. I walk into the mall crying. I approach the first Mac specialist I see crying. When he says, "Can I help you?" I thrust my laptop at him and burst into more tears pleading "Something's wrong. It died. Please fix it. My whole life is on this computer. Please, please fix it."

I guess they get a lot of hysterical, clueless girls coming through their doors with iPod / iPhone / iLife emergencies because I kid you not, there is a department for this. First, the MacMan asked me a bunch of silly questions like "Do you have the AutoSave feature turned on?" Ok, really, how the hell would I know that? "Which Operating System do you have?" Panther? Leopard? Tiger? Kitty Kat? I don't know - it's something feline. "When was the last time you backed up your work?" When did floppy disks go out of style?

Ok, he's clearly not getting any information out of PanicGirl so he powers up the laptop and finds it all out himself. My proposal is, as I feared, gone. Also, there is no AutoSave feature on my outdated version of Pages because I haven't updated my software. Or my Operating System. Or anything else since I got the darn thing. Is there a penalty for throwing up in the Apple store? Cause I feel like I'm gonna hurl.

MacMan is very patient with me. He gets me a new battery which we install right away and it seems to be holding the charge. Also, the old battery was disrupting the track pad censor, so he's hoping that issue will resolve with the new battery. Other than that, the computer needs a good cleaning and a new power cable (mine had apparently been recalled. Oops.) He makes me an appointment to come back on Thursday afternoon where he will thoroughly investigate the trouble and encourages me to call him should I have any other problems. Gives me his card and holds my hand a moment longer than I was expecting.

Wait a minute, he's smiling at me. He's looking at me - really looking at me. Customer service people aren't known for their eye contact yet this man can't take his eyes off me. I'm glad I put on lip gloss. Oh gosh! Do I have tear stains on my cheeks? Is my nose runny? Heavens, I hope not. What is his name anyway? I glance down at his card.

Michael. His name is Michael. Of course it is.

Me: Well, Michael, you really saved my life tonight. I can't thank you enough.

Michael: Not a problem. It was my pleasure.

Me: Great, I'll see you Thursday afternoon then.

Michael: It's a date.

A man who can fix my computer and calm my fears? I think I'll be dressing up for Thursday.

Cat Lady

Everyone has fears in life. Fear of flying, fear of snakes, fear of dying alone. My biggest fear in life is turning into the crazy eHarmony Cat Lady from YouTube.

Before we continue, if you haven't seen the Cat Lady video, treat yourself to two and a half minutes of bliss here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc

I know what you're thinking. That canNOT be real. She's an actress, right? A better-than-most-Hollywood-A-Listers actress. The tears, the extreme emotion, the insane affection for all things feline.

And yet it is. Cara is just another single girl trying to make it work in the online dating world. Yes, her affinity for small, furry creatures in bow ties and baskets is frightening. Yes, their ears and noses and whiskers are cute...but come on! They're not that cute. We've all got our soft spots for kittens and rainbows but this??? This is too much.

Still, despite MBA from Villanova (I call bull shit on that one) and the runny mascara (waterproof, sweetheart, it's the only way to go!) are Cara and I really all that different? I already own three cats and a dog. I'm one bad blind date away from rainbows, baskets, and bow ties. Aren't I?

Let's examine the evidence. Cara is probably a girl (about my age) who has been hurt by guys before. She's trying online dating for the first time and just wants to see who's out there. She's hopeful she'll find love again, praying to meet "The One." She's sitting at home on a Friday night with the tv flickering in the background making a personal ad video instead of going out dancing with her girlfriends because frankly, if God intended for us to go out with actual humans, reality television wouldn't be so gosh-darned entertaining!

Ok, ok, I'm sorry. It's just that I have to wonder - when making a personals ad, wouldn't one think to turn off the tv set? She isn't even looking at the camera, so glued is she to what I can only assume to be Animal Planet. Also, a hairbrush would come in handy right about now. She's got that "just rolled out of bed" look and not in a sexy way. Cara does get bonus points for cleavage but I sense that her breastiness was not on purpose, just the universe's way of blessing her with some semblance of attractiveness to counter balance all the crazy talk.

Some people are pretty to look at without having to say a word. In this case, she might be better off.

Alright, alright, I get it, I'm sorry. I want to feel bad for this chick, I really do. I understand how hard it is out there and finding a good man is no easy task. Trust me, I am in her shoes and so are most of you. That's the whole point of this blog, that we're in it together. You have wacky dating stories, I have wacky dating stories. It's like Divine Secrets of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Boyfriend.

But she's not crying over a man. She's crying over freakin kittens.

In all fairness, cats do provide unconditional love, have very low expectations, require nothing but food, water, a clean litter box, and occasional petting. Cats are independent yet appreciative of a good belly rub. They have short term memories, warm bodies, and...wait a minute...cats are starting to sound an awful lot like men!

That aside, what a man does need is a woman who is emotionally stable. Can she break down when the shit really hits the fan? Of course, and any decent guy will be there with a shoulder for her to cry on. When her heart is broken, when she loses a loved one, when she's completely stressed out at work, (when her laptop crashes!) But if I've learned anything, it's that the unstable girls typically don't end up with any guy worth having.

So Cara, my advice to you is to put yourself out there. Make another go of it, make another video, post another profile. Talk about the things that really make you happy, not sobbing like a hurt schoolchild on the playground. See a therapist, buy a new sweater, take a curling iron to that hair. Put on some upbeat music, turn off Animal Rescue 911, and discover that the world is full of good things. Is it full of homeless cats who need a loving family to adopt them? Yes, it is. It's also full of war and famine and sickness and depression and a million other things we could let get to us every single day. I'm not saying don't think about it. I'm not saying don't let it affect you. I'm just saying that letting your freak flag fly before the first date isn't the greatest way to *get* a first date.

Rolling around in your bed with a house full of cats on a rainbow? Definite freak flag.

PS: Did you seriously say "I promised myself I wouldn't cry!" Oh, honey...

Munchkin and Mr Pinfeathers

***Please note: This blog has been updated from its original version, following comments from YankFanAlways himself. I have no idea how he found my blog, but the sad truth is that these men exist and you can't make this stuff up!!!***

I know I haven't done this in a while, but I HAD to share this gem! Literally pee'd myself laughing. Literally.

Hey I really like your profile. I would like to get to know you better over a drink, dessert, or coffee or whatever you like to do. I am open to anything. I know of a cute cozy place we can go to get to know each other better.

Is "cute, cozy place" code for "they'll never find the body"??? Cause I'm already getting a stalker vibe...

I am a down-to-earth charming LOYAL man who loves to have fun and meeting new exciting people. I like to start out as friends first and if it blossoms to a meaningful deep relationship that may lead to bigger better things in the future, that is awesome!! If not, then that's fine, too! At least I made a New friend. Nobody deserves to be lonely. ONE NIGHT STANDS = SHALLOW!!! Sex is only good when feelings are mutual between two people.

It's true, nobody deserves to be lonely, yet I sense that he is indeed very, very lonely.

I am open to date any race..... I am very attracted to Asians and latinas! ;-) I find them exceptionally sweet and quite lovely, again... I am open to date any race. Asians and Latinas are my top two races. ;-)

In which of my pictures did you mistake me for either Asian or Latina??? I'm as pale as a Twilight vampire in direct sunlight and my hair is blonder than a Sweet Valley High cheerleader! PS: It doesn't seem very politically correct to have a "top two favorite races" --- I'm pretty sure a tiny German guy with an attitude and a funny walk got in trouble for just such a concept!

*** Updated message: Race is not important, but honesty and loyalty ARE! I am attracted to women with a few extra pounds. What I am looking for is somebody I can talk to, laugh with/ at, keep cozy during a movie eating kettle corn popcorn & sipping on some hot cocoa in the midst of a blizzard or have a playful snowball fight/ build a snowman/ build a snow fort in the park, and a special woman I can tell my mom, dad and the rest of my family about.***

Ok, so you're cool with me being white, but you just called me chubby??? We really need to talk about your approach with women!

I work as a sales representative in midtown Manhattan... Ladies.... Selling shoes!! (please no Al Bundy jokes! LOL) On my time off, I am just killing some time at Starbucks, Wholefoods, or just going out for a walk around SoHo.

A) Selling shoes at Christian Louboutin? Great job. Nothing to make fun of. Yet I get the sense he works at Payless.

B) Killing time at Starbucks or WholeFoods? Again, this seems like code for "stalking" no?

I'm not much into reading.

Women like their men literate, preferably on higher than a third grade level. If you can't read, or don't enjoy it, keep that to yourself for a while. Like, forever.

Not much into reality tv either, but I just started watching Operation Repo and Hardcore Pawn! I enjoy watching tv sitcoms, especially ones of the 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. I like shows like The Flintstones. I also am a fan of WWE and the superstars I am following on Twitter are The Rock, John Cena, The Miz because of their charisma.

So your television tastes span four decades? Not very specific, is it? Also, girls aren't typically fans of wrestling because we know it's FAKE. Thanks for telling me who you follow on Twitter though. That's a super-important factor in deciding whether or not I want to date you.

I love texting, online chatting, Facebook, and emailing. I also enjoy games like spades, chess, jenga, and scrabble!

You "love" texting??? Nobody "loves" texting. We also don't "love" chatting or emailing or facebooking. We do it as a detached form of social interaction but most people "love" actual human contact. Real, live connections. Try it sometime! Also, Jenga? Is that even still around?

My top 5 movies are: star wars, back to school, ferris bueller's day off, the breakfast club, the karate kid (the original ones) and anything with Adam Sandler.

STOP MENTIONING STAR WARS. IT'S NOT GETTING YOU LAID. I PROMISE.

I'll eat pretty much anything except Yams, candy corn, cotton candy, and muenster cheese.

You won't eat Candy Corn? I can't date you. Sorry, dude. Just too weird.

My Pet Peeves are: dirty dishes in the sink, body odor like someone hasn't used soap, water, and deodorant in quite some time (that smell makes me gag), bad breath (pop a tic-tac in your mouth. It's easy!), slow walkers in front of me (except the elderly or have a disability), people bumping into me WITHOUT saying "excuse me" and/ or "sorry", no soap in a PUBLIC restroom, bottlenecking at stairs or escalators. People (especially tourists) blocking an entrance or monopolizing the sidewalk while talking.

So basically, you're a germaphobe with OCD about personal hygiene and a pedestrian sense of road rage? Awesome.

I could never live without Munchkin (my cat), Mr. Pinfeathers & Mr. Grey One (my birds), my wallet, coffee in the morning, water, music, deodorant/ cologne/axe body spray, toothpaste/ toothbrush, soap & shampoo/ conditioner, Burt's Bees lip balm, my Android Smartphone, music, and you!! ;-)

I beg you, on everything that is holy in this world, please, please be kidding.

I hope to hear back from you soon. Take care. ~YankFanAlways

Seeing as I could not reply with my *actual* thoughts, YankFanAlways will not, in fact, be hearing from me anytime soon. But men, if you're out there, and if you're thinking I was harsh on poor Mr Pinfeathers, please consider your own persona when reading over profiles. What may seem normal and harmless to you comes across to others as borderline psychotic. Ask yourself this question when writing a profile: Is this specific piece of information going to land me a date? Is this something a girl really and truly needs to know about me? Will this make her want to meet me or send her sprinting the other direction? I don't care that YankFan dislikes muenster cheese (I'm not a fan of Swiss) - it's the way that he felt the need to emphasize his particular taste in yellow / orange food items that worries me. That he wants an Asian or Latina girl with a few extra pounds, who enjoys kettle corn and the Flintstones is VERY SPECIFIC and it's not fair to expect someone new to live up to his extremely detailed romantic fantasy. In dating, the rule is to be yourself. I'm all for letting your freak flag fly...but maybe wait til you've met the girl and she's positively smitten with you to describe your affinity for Axe deodorant and Scrabble.

And this is why I am single...

***Please see comment from YankFanAlways at 8 am on Christmas morning at bottom of page. Enjoy!***

Faking It

***Please note: This blog has been updated from its original version to include the full length of the conversation.***

It starts out like any other date. Dinner, conversation, polite laughter. Those awkward few moments where we decide if it's permissible to share an appetizer on the first date, clink cheers with our water glasses, get to know each other, blah blah blah. He tells me a little bit about his job, I feign interest. He blatantly avoids talk of family, I pretend not to notice his skirting the entry level questions. He keeps his leather jacket on over his sweater, collared shirt, and t-shirt. I refuse to comment on the unseasonable Arctic chill he's imagined will hit the restaurant at any moment.

First dates are scary. I get that. I've been on enough of them to know that they're never really easy on either party. Someone usually wants to throw up (fortunately, that's only happened on one actual date. Sushi. Never again.) I've dated the stammering guy, the fidgets-with-silverware guy, the nervous giggling guy, the keeps-his-sweaty-hands-in-his-pockets guy, the speechless guy, even the accidental erection guy. But never, until this very moment, had I dated reveals-embarrassing-secret guy.

As often happens on a first date, one person relaxes into a comfortable state of "I'm pretty sure my dining partner is not an ax murderer" and delves into deeper topics of conversation. This invariably leads directly into the "You're so great, why are you single?" line of questioning. We compare notes, laugh at awful first dates gone by, discuss the pitfalls of the online age, strange profiles we've encountered, and how there's nobody "normal" out there.

I make the mistake of asking when his last relationship was. He makes the mistake of telling me.

Tyler: Well, I was going out with this girl I met online for maybe two months or so. But it didn't work out.

Me: Oh? How come?

Tyler: She was kind of a cold fish.

Me: Ouch. That doesn't sound fun.

Tyler: No, especially in bed. You know, she'd just lay there and not do anything. I had to do all the work. It was really boring.

Me: Wow. That's rough. What'd you do?

Tyler: I faked it.

Me: (((Quizzical look.)))

Tyler: The orgasm. I faked it.

Me: (((In disbelief))) Guys can do that???

Tyler: Sure.

Me: I'm pretty certain I don't want to know this but I have to ask. How???

Tyler: Well, I thrust really hard. I made this weird sort of animal noise like "ugggggh." Then I shook a little and jumped off her. Turned around so she wouldn't see me, tugged the condom off, tied it up, threw it in the trash, and hid it under some tissues.

Me: Why did you hide it?

Tyler: In case she looked. She'd know it was empty.

Me: Ok, first of all - ew. Second of all, I've had my fair share of sex but I've definitely never looked through the trash to find the condom. I don't think girls do that.

Tyler: Some girls don't trust guys.

Me: I wonder why.

Tyler: Yeah, the worst part was when the cat came into the room and tried to play with it. He knocked the garbage pail over. I thought for sure I was done for.

Me: And that was the worst part? The cat playing with the empty condom... not your girlfriend knowing you faked an orgasm?

Tyler: Well, obviously I didn't want her knowing.

Me: Why not?

Tyler: Because then she wouldn't have slept with me again.

Me: But you didn't want to sleep with her that time.

Tyler: Not really, I was tired. Besides, Leno was on.

Me: What I can't understand is why you wouldn't have just made the effort to give her a REAL orgasm. Maybe if you'd put a little work in, you both would've been happy, avoided the awkward "This isn't doing it for me" moments, and still been able to watch late night talk shows on the dvr.

Tyler: Why should I have to work to give her an orgasm? Maybe she can't have them. Maybe that's not my fault.

Me: I full believe that every woman is able to climax with the right partner. And it's not really "work" - all you have to do is pay attention to her. She'll send you all the signals you need to find a way to please her.

Tyler: She wasn't sending me any signals.

Me: You weren't doing anything.

Tyler: So you've never faked an orgasm? Not even to just get it over with?

Me: Nope.

Tyler: Why not?

Me: Because that's like giving a puppy a treat every time he pees on the rug, then getting mad at him when he won't go outside.

Tyler: Are you saying men are dogs?

Me: They're very similar in a lot of ways. They need to be trained, taught the rules, housebroken if you will. Think about it - the dog sits down, you give him a treat. He lays in bed instead of begging for scraps at the table, you give him a treat. He pees outside, you give him a treat. If he pees on your priceless Persian rug, do you give him a treat? No! You scold him and send him outside. What he's learned is that outside = good, Persian rug = bad.

Tyler: I don't follow you.

Me: Ok, think about it like this. Every time a woman fakes an orgasm with a man, she's rewarding him for peeing on the Persian rug. He gets a treat for bad behavior.

Tyler: So you'd rather not reward him at all?

Me: I'd rather give him filet mignon.

Tyler: For peeing outside?

Me: Exactly! If you were a dog, which would you prefer - a Milkbone or a steak?

Tyler: The steak, obviously.

Me: Right! That's what I'm saying. Faking it is like giving the dog a Milkbone for pissing on the priceless Persian rug. But with a little work, a little coaching, a little training, you can teach him to go outside and earn a juicy, tender, meaty steak. A real orgasm. That's the treat you get in return for taking your time with a woman and putting the effort into understanding her, exploring her, paying attention to her.

Tyler: I don't know. I faked it once but I'm pretty sure every woman I've ever been with has faked it more than that.

Me: Well maybe they've only faked it with YOU.

And that was the end of the date.