Baby, It's Cold Outside

Days like today fill me with dread. Being single has its ups and downs throughout the year but there is one particular time of year when a girl needs a boyfriend / husband more than ever...Snow shoveling day.

The actual, physical act of shoveling snow sucks BIG time. I understand that as a resident in the NorthEast region of America, winter blizzards are par for the course. Although the accumulation rates have skyrocketed in the years since my divorce. Coincidence? I think not. Mother Nature is an angry beast who clearly had her heart broken in the past and plans on doling out retribution to the rest of the world. How better show one's disdain than blasting Arctic winds and burying vehicles and homes alike under mounds and mounds of heavy, wet demon fluff?

The after-wrath of such a storm wreaks havoc on a single girl mentally, physically, and emotionally. We all hope the the magical snow-moving elves have secretly dug out our cars and sidewalks for us, not to mention a pathway out the door to get to said places. We hide under our dark covers, secretly wishing that a task force of gorgeous men with snow-blowers, shovels and plows appeared in the night and that maybe, just maybe, if we stay in bed long enough, they'll have time to finish the job. Most likely however, unless you are plying your neighbors with freshly baked cookies and / or sexual favors, you are left to do the drudgery yourself. You come in after hours of back-stretching, muscle-burning, wind-swept hell to defrost a little and regain feeling in your outer extremities. You have to peel off layer after layer of cold, wet clothing, only to find the stray piece of ice has broken loose from your hair and slid down your one remaining layer of protection. There is no one to share a warm shower with, no one to indulge in a steaming mug of chocolate with extra marshmallows and whipped cream, no one to massage your tendons back in place.

This sucks.

During a January storm, single girls can be found on the couch, curling up with a bag of Lindor truffles and Mrs Doubtfire on cable television. While I appreciate the alone time, I occasionally make the mistake of glancing in the direction of my hourly news source: Facebook. The status updates from my coupled friends are all the same: "So lucky I have a wonderful husband to keep me warm tonight," "Cuddling with my baby in the blizzard - sooooo romantic," and my personal favorite "The power hasn't gone off yet but we're gonna light candles and pretend it has! Ooh, it's cold outside but it's hot in here :-)"

This really sucks.

It's not so much that I want a boyfriend really badly. It's just that I took for granted all those times I had one. Being single has made me appreciate being in a couple that much more. Times when I didn't have to do certain things for myself. There are women in my life who are strong enough to handle everything on their own and then some. They put my to-do list to shame. I admire their unwavering courage and aspire to imitate their brave outlooks.

Yet I cannot help thinking that winter would be much more manageable with a boyfriend and a snowblower!

You Scared Me At Hello

"You're so great! Why are you single?"

Dear coupled-off people,

When you begin conversations with phrases such as this, it does NOT make me envious of your two-by-two life together. It makes me want to punch you in the face.

"I know this fantastic guy. If you can get over the ever so slight hunchback, he's an absolute sweetheart."

Again, you arrogant assholes, please stop trying to set me up with the scraps at the bottom of the loser barrel. Just because he's single and I'm single does NOT mean we are compatible in any other way.

"Oh my gosh, my friend just finished dating this man who secretly has a wife and kids in Poland. He was hiding them from her for months. She couldn't deal with it but I think you're a much stronger woman and now the cat's out of the bag, right? Do you want me to give him your number?"

Once more, a ring on your left hand makes you superior to me in no way, shape or form. If I wanted to swim at the shallow end of the gene pool for mating purposes, I can find my own way there. Thanks.


Fast forward to present day and I find myself asking everyone I know if they have a single guy friend to set me up with. He's still living at home in his parents' basement, watching Family Guy and working at Stop N Shop? At least he has a job! He's had no long term relationships in the past and a penchant for watching porn on a nightly basis? Great, will probably be very creative in bed! He's out on probation for a crime of unknown specificity? I'll take it! Standards have not just been lowered, my friends. They've been thrown out the proverbial window!

This whole concept of saying "yes" to everyone led me into some very unfamiliar territory. I've had to instill a whole mess of trust into acquaintances who've offered up their unattached male specimens for further investigation. One such male creature I managed to frighten off in less than ten seconds, a new record for me!

One of my fabulous improv teammates and her boyfriend love to read my blog and chuckle to themselves about not missing life as a single person in New York. I don't mind this because they're both totally supportive of everything I do and read my blog religiously. (Much appreciated!) She came to practice one day and said "Ok, my boyfriend has this co-worker he wants to set you up with. I'm just warning you - don't do it! He thinks this guy would be great for you because he's English and your ex-husband was English. That's the only connection and I'm just saying: Disaster. Waiting. To. Happen!"

*Note to self: while the accent is always appealing, I really must stop falling for foreigners.

The intriguing part of this scenario for me was how dead-set against it my friend was and how excited about the prospect of setting me up with someone her boyfriend was. After four years of dating and two years of knowing me, how could they have such differing perspectives? It made me all the more itchy to find out about this guy.

Attempt #1: I am driving my friend into rehearsal when she says "Wanna have a four way?" Ummm, ok this is new but sure! "No silly, not like that! I'm gonna call my boyfriend and he's at work with his friend. This way you two can talk!" Alright, hold on. Let me put on lipstick! (Yes, I know it was over the phone. And yes, I was kidding...sort of...) She puts her boyfriend on the phone and I say hello. He grabs his friend to talk on speakerphone and there is dead silence. I say hello again. No response. Boyfriend comes back on the phone to say that friend froze and had to excuse himself to the men's room. Wow, I scared him at "hello" - Failed.

Attempt #2: Friend and her boyfriend are out at a fancy company dinner. Co-worker guy is also there. As we are all in the city, I suggest meeting up for a drink after. She mentions this to him, he grabs his coat and hails a cab, not to be seen or heard from again until Monday morning. Failed.

Attempt #3: Friend and I are performing in a show this coming Saturday. Her boyfriend will be in the audience playing the supportive role (as he should be!) I asked if he'd be inviting co-worker guy and the response was: "I asked him, but it's too social. He doesn't do well with people." Failed.

Strike 3 dude. Sorry but you're out. Guess I better keep the hunchback as a contingency plan?

Curious George

The holidays are the perfect time to meet someone new, mostly because your friends are all having parties. I have figured out the exact science behind these meetings so here it is: When your coupled-off friends throw a shindig, it is both their right AND their responsibility to invite as many single people as they know in the hopes that some of them will pair off together. This dynamic duo may last for one drunken make-out session or might form an actual relationship in the future. Either way, couply people LOVE to see more people being couply.

You see, when you're single and the rest of your friends are paired off, they don't really know what to do with you. You're this weird mystery they can't figure out. You're a great person; you're funny and smart and good looking. I mean, you have to be otherwise why would they even be friends with you? But couples don't understand why their "great" single friends are still single, so they play matchmaker at every available turn. What better time to get set up than during an egg nog induced stupor?

I was at one such party just before the changing of the years. There were a few cool people I knew and even more that I'd never met before. One guy we shall refer to as Curious George came right up and introduced himself to me. Took my hand and held it for a moment too long while staring into my eyes. I assumed that the chardonnay had thrown off my sense of time so I smiled graciously back at him.

Curious George asked what I did for a living (standard opening question) to which I replied that I am a writer. He said, "Really? What do you write about?" I didn't have time to answer because the peanut gallery behind me religiously follows my blog and informed Curious George that I was going on 100 first dates this year and writing about the experience. He replied (all the while looking me straight in the eyes) "Oh, so you're single?" I nodded yes. He asked what constituted a first date. I said, "Usually there is some sort of meeting spot. Possibly food or just a shared activity." He then asked if I'd like to go on a date with him. Um...sure, ok. "How about right now?" Um...sure, ok.

At first, we headed into the kitchen which had magically cleared out, but there was nowhere comfortable to sit and chat so he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I checked with my hostess first to make sure this guy wasn't a total creeper and could be trusted to stroll around the block with. She assured me he was a little intense but otherwise, perfectly normal. I grabbed my coat and another shot of liquid courage and out the door we went.

He shivered when we got outside, remarking how cold it had gotten (duh, it IS December in New York) and suggested we drive around for a while instead of walking. All of my "don't get in the car with strangers" lessons kicked in and I would like to personally thank my third grade teacher for instilling this concept into my brain with such urgency. I said that it was definitely chilly but an otherwise beautiful night so we should get our blood pumping with a good walk as planned. (I had also told my friends that if I wasn't back in 10 minutes, to come out and find me!)

We looked at the houses with Christmas lights up and Curious George said, "I've always admired how the lights shimmer and twinkle against the dark night sky. There's something really magical about them, you know? Like crystals shining in each and every snowflake."

Ok, first of all, WHO TALKS LIKE THAT??? You are not Lewis Carroll and this is not 1864. Yes, it's all very poetic and I'm assuming you're trying to impress the writer girl but come on! If you're also trying to get laid, you need a new approach, my friend.

We moved on to a few more houses and he asked me what styles of decoration I like. I prefer classically elegant, more Victorian and simplistic in appeal than all these plastic reindeers and blow up Santas. I have never been a huge fan of the inflatable moving snow globes that adorn lawns these days. A few green garlands, red bows and white lights will do just fine for me, thanks. He then launched into a diatribe about wanting his own home with a beautiful wife and family inside, the warmth of love around each of them, keeping everyone warm.

Dude, CUT IT OUT! You're scaring the poor girl who agreed to a walk around the block, not a future planning session with a total stranger. PS: What's with holding my hand? Keep your mitts in your pockets where they'll be warm and kindly stop suggesting marriage while you're at it!

Finally, we got back to the party after what felt like the most ridiculous ten minutes of my week (definitely a trip down the rabbit hole.) He thanked me for my time, lifting my hand to his lips to kiss it. He admired my fingertips for a second before saying "You have a lovely manicure."

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

I left my coat on when I got inside, thanked the hostess for having me over and told my friends to call me with plans for the New Year. I couldn't keep a straight face long enough to say good-bye to Curious George as he promised to call me so we could go on another date again soon.

Whoops, I forgot to give him my number. Oh darn...

New Year, New Losers

Just wanted to share with you a few of the emails I've gotten this week. Apparently, every loser in the Tri-State area has now signed up for online dating and most of them have messaged me. Hand-selected for your enjoyment:

From Dart42:

I'm the Prince of Persia. And I totally don't do drugs. Like ever. Except for tons of cough syrup. Cuz that like legal and stuff.

From Not2Serious:

I like you. You're fun, lighthearted, and goofy. You don't take yourself so seriously, and don't have a stick up your ass about life and people. If you do have a stick up your ass about life and people, message me anyway. I'll probably just annoy you though.

From LOTR36:

Me: So what are you doing with your life?
Him: Contemplating Nobel Prize winning sexual algorithms.

From Ahmed:

You cute. I like get to know you. You want talk me too? We good together. I see you soon cutie.

From Luvable_Dork:

I like to watch movies, go for walks, read books, read comics, play video games, shoot pool, play mini-golf, shop. I'm looking for that special someone. Someone to settle down with and have kids. Now I'm not looking to get married on the first date or anything, but I want something long term and serious. I'm quite funny. I can be goofy and silly at times, but hey its fun. I currently work at Walgreens until I write a book, make a movie, or develop time traveling technology.
My favorite things are: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Slaughterhouse 5, Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Twilight, Sherlock Holmes, Shakespeare and Poe, Star Wars Trilogy, V for Vendetta, Alice in Wonderland, Across the Universe, What Dreams May Come, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, The Runaways, Watchmen, Mallrats, Shaun of the Dead, Halloween, My Name is Bruce, The One, Casablanca, Monsters vs Aliens, Dazed and Confused, Harry Potter, Twilight, Wallace and Gromit, Ricky Bobby, Anchorman, Nirvana, The Offspring, Green Day, Taylor Swift, Luke Bryan, Lady Gaga, Glee, Weird Al, Coheed, Tenacious D, Brad Paisley, Beatles, Ozzy, Johnny Cash, Dethklok, Flogging Molly, Foo Fighters, and Blink 182, Glee, House, Law & Order SVU, Modern Family, Buffy, Angel, The Office, Batman TAS, Ed Edd N Eddy, ATHF, Harvey Birdman, Robot Chicken, Family Guy, Venture Bros, Futurama, One Life to Live, Ace of Cakes.

Gee...I don't know who to write back to first!!!

Peppers of Death

We could not be any more opposite than if we were literally Night and Day.

This is what I'm thinking as I get to know a man I really like. There are so many redeeming qualities about him, so many wonderful things I look for in a partner. He's generous and kind and considerate and sweet and thoughtful and funny and smart and has amazing friends and a great family and a stable job... and we do not have one single thing in common. Not. One. Thing.

Exhibit A) He loves spicy food. Burn your mouth off hot food. Mexican restaurants. Red pepper flakes, chili and cayenne in every dish. I am allergic to peppers. Should I ever attempt to walk into a Chili's, please have 911 on speed dial cause the only way I'm leaving that place is in an ambulance. Hopefully with the ability to breathe and a cute new EMT boyfriend.

Exhibit B) He's influenced by Eastern tradition and cuisine. Loves Thai, Indian and Asian cultures. I am very Mediterranean, fond of French, Italian and Greek ways. He prefers to eat his meals with chopsticks. I get nauseas at the thought of sushi, curry, or bubble tea. He hates chicken parm. I will eat anything with melted cheese on it. He wants to travel around the world. I need look no further than Europe. Perhaps a hot man with an accent will take me home with him and teach me how to make fresh pasta?

Exhibit C) Netflix: In my queue are Valentine's Day, The Tudors, The Other Sister, Sabrina, and Babies. In his queue is Zombie Strippers, Bitch Slap, and Tron. On my iPod is country music. He's convinced that all country music is about one's truck, wife, dog, and gun (NOT true btw!) Marry Me by Train is my new favorite love song. He would like to punch Pat Monahan in the face if given the opportunity. I have an iPhone. He has a POS. Something tells me that romance was easier before the invention of modern technology.

The list truly goes on and on and every time I ask a question, I get the exact opposite answer to what I was hoping for! We can agree that Frankie, Dino and Sammy were the best of the Rat Pack but beyond that, there seems to be no compromise. He cracks Wookie jokes left and right while I have never seen the original Star Wars. I laugh every time someone makes a "ruckus" whereas he doesn't know who the basketcase, the princess, the nerd, the jock and the rebel are! (Bonus points if you do.)

Is this a case of disparity in upbringing? Is it the timeless battle between the sexes? Or do some equations simply lack a common denominator?

As the ball drops...

Dear Readers,

Please forgive me for I have sinned. It has been fourteen days since my last blog post.

The holidays are a time to be with the ones you love. I, for one, always took this to mean a romantic sort of love. The kind where your boyfriend / fiance / spouse showers you with gifts and attention, plies you with alcohol, conspires against your ridiculous family with you, snuggles you by a crackling fire, makes you breakfast in bed, and kisses you at midnight. Songs such as "I'll Be Home for Christmas" and "Baby, It's Cold Outside" perpetuate my frustration at not having someone to share these moments under the mistletoe. On long, freezing winter days when I'm stuck outside shoveling heavy, wet snow, digging out my car and trying to locate my front steps, I yearn for a sweet, warm body to go inside with, sip hot chocolate, and take an afternoon nap.

I guess I thought that this project would lead me to sharing these experiences with a tall, dark and handsome man (or in my case, not a midget, dork and moderately good-looking). I assumed that by dating as many people as I could in one year, I would find my knight in shining armor. Failing that, I'd at least meet someone NORMAL. I always assumed that 100 Cups of Coffee would have the Hollywood ending that you and I have been hoping for. Now here's the truth...

When discussing my disappointment with a dear friend, he pointed out to me that I'm doing exactly what I set out to do. I cried that I thought the project would be over by now, that I would've met someone amazing, that we'd be riding off into the proverbial sunset together. But that, he gently pointed out, was never the goal. The goal was to go out on 100 dates. Meet new people. Try different things. Expand my horizons. Get out of my comfort zone. Open myself up to the possibilities I never considered before. And I am doing ALL of those things!

I refuted this statement (half-heartedly) by claiming that I never REALLY wanted to go out on 100 first dates. It's exhausting! Getting to know all these people, their in's and out's, what makes them tick, finding out their interests, hobbies, family life, favorite radio stations. I could be running a small company by now with all the intel I gathered! Leave it to a woman to start out dating and end up taking over the world! Yet he just laughed and said that when I set my mind to something, I'm the girl to go out and DO IT. If I wanted to be exceptionally choosy, meet the man of my dreams and marry him right away, I probably would have. But that was never the point. Thus I have taken a holiday break from the crazies and losers but starting in the New Year, I can guarantee you I'll be back with a passion.

Through this year, I have discovered a lot about myself. I know so much more about me, dating, what I want, what I don't want, what I'm willing to settle for, and what I can't live without. I know what qualities I need in a partner and what constitutes a deal breaker for me. I have found exceptional strength in having to walk away from people I truly cared about and gained confidence when I felt I was making the right decision. I have made new friends. You, the readers, have been more supportive and caring that I could've possibly imagined. I've given away some great goodies and have even more amazing prizes planned for 2011. I couldn't think of a more fortunate life than being able to write full time nor a more satisfying dream than seeing my name in print. Just knowing that this blog, my insane dating life, these words have touched each of you somehow is an amazing gift for me and all I could hope for this year. So I have revised my holiday outlook.

The holidays are indeed a season to spend time with the people you love. This love is formed in friendships, old and new, family ties, and acquaintances you may have never met but care so deeply about. It is a time to perform random acts of kindness, surprise someone just to see the smile on their face, and give generously expecting nothing in return. I might not have kissed anyone under the mistletoe or at midnight on New Year's Eve (there's still time!) but the love I feel is overwhelming from every angle.

Wishing you all a LOVEly New Year!

~Kimberly Spice

No Guarantees

September 5th, 1995

My first day at a new high school. First period, Global Studies. I have a nun as my teacher for the first time in my life. I'm wearing a button down white shirt, pleated gray skirt, stockings and loafers. My blonde hair is long and straight with thick bangs. I am nervous and have no friends yet. The teacher asks us all to open our textbooks but I don't have one so the girl sitting at the desk in front of me turns around to share hers. Sister History Teacher begins calling on people to read the chapter out loud and suddenly, I hear a shy, angelic voice from across the room. He reads aloud a paragraph about World War One and while I could not tell you who started that war or the years it was fought, I could tell you exactly what he looked like that day: dark blonde hair curling slightly in front of his face, same white button down as me, gray pants (lucky boys!) and the sweetest face I've ever seen. I stared at him long after his turn to read was over and when the bell rang, I asked the girl in front of me what his name was. She said B_____ and offered to introduce me. I had my first girlfriend!

Turns out he ran track, swam, sang, and was in all honors classes. We caught up with him in the hallway and she said "B, this is my new friend Kim. Why don't you show her around to her next class. Poor girl is lost!" Thus began a second friendship that has lasted fifteen years.

I think back to that day and how different it might have been. What if my lame ass school district had bothered to provide me with a textbook? I never would've had to share DJ's, thus sparking our conversation. What if the teacher hadn't called on B to read that day? I never would've heard his voice or looked twice at him. For while he was then (and is now) very good looking, he doesn't carry himself with the confidence that attracts a lot of attention. Still, the chain of events led to us becoming very good friends, one of only a small handful of people I've never lost contact with, nor had to reconnect with on facebook.

I will say this: Facebook is amazing for bringing you back to the people you missed in your life but there's something extra special about those you never lost touch with. Friends you counted on all the years between then and now. I count these people amongst my highest blessings.

Anywho, nothing much happened between us in high school. Sure, we always flirted and it seemed like we were forever on the edge of something happening but the timing was always off. Once, in junior year, he told me that he wanted to kiss me and we should meet by the theatre after school. I spent eight periods in absolute angst when I finally spilled the beans about our first kiss plan to DJ during gym class. She looked crest fallen and admitted to having a crush on B for the last three years. Of course, I didn't kiss him that day out of loyalty to my friend but the next several weeks, it got harder and harder to see him in class without feeling like I'd missed out on something amazing.

Senior year we had another "almost but not quite" moment. The Overnight Retreat to Shelter Island is the big event for the Senior class and we were all super excited to go. Thirty-two boys & girls on one bus, headed away together for the weekend? Let's just say hormones were raging. Yes, we had religious chaperones and separate sleeping quarters and they made us do stupid things like hug trees and write letters to our older selves, but that trip was primarily about who was dating whom. I had a mega-crush on a boy we'll call C and we were both on the trip. It had been intimated that we'd make some sort of move to get together that weekend. (I had the notes from math class to prove it!) We walked on the beach together collecting shells, feeling the sand beneath our toes, playing tag football with friends and snuggling by the fire indoors. Yet when it came time for us to declare our "like" for each other, B stepped in and told C he had major feelings for me. Again, not wanting to disrespect his friend, C backed off, leaving me still single and waiting for my Prince Charming to sweep in.

Despite B saying he felt strongly about me, he never made a move. I have very cuddly pictures of us together from junior prom, senior prom, ring night, a whole bunch of theatre performances, and various graduation parties. Not once during all those times did he attempt to kiss me. It was extremely frustrating! I have always reasoned with myself that it was for the best though, because our friendship might not have endured the last decade and a half had we been romantically entwined. My guy friends mean the world to me, not because they were some fleeting romance all those years ago, but because each of them have always been true gentlemen around me and treated me like a princess.

Funnily enough, this is the first time in fifteen years that B and I are single at the same time. I got married right out of college and he dated someone seriously for the last four years. They only just split six weeks ago. Needless to say, the hurt is still very fresh and I've been trying to stay as supportive a friend as possible, while still giving him room to grieve. We've always been the kind of friends to hang out and do things together like go to the movies, play pool, go bowling, head to a party, have dinner. He comes to see all of my improv performances in the city and I go to his musicals on the island. A few weeks ago, he invited me to a hockey game and we had so much fun! I was therefore not surprised when he asked if I wanted to go see American Idiot with him on Broadway last weekend. He had an extra ticket and theatre is my passion so of course I wanted to go!

Let me rephrase: His ex-girlfriend bought tickets for his thirtieth birthday a few months back with the intention that they would see it together. I was technically taking her place. Awkward! In his defense, he told me that I was the third choice of companion. He'd asked each of his brothers if they wanted to go but neither one could. Enter Kim!

He asked her first if she was cool with me going and the response was "Sure, that's cool. Just do me a favor. If you guys live happily ever after down the line and get married and have babies and stuff...don't count this as your first date cause that would be really weird!"

Well, Green Day isn't known for their romantic ballads so I don't think we'll be choosing our wedding song from them. Yet I can't help wondering why that thought would even cross her mind?

I consulted the wisest person I know: my friend Shari. Her thoughts were that we are really cute together, very natural, completely sweet. We're snuggly and comfortable and have lots of shared history. He's pretty much got his head on straight and his ducks lining up. He's stable and secure and generous and kind and considerate and good looking and talented and smart. Why wouldn't I like him?

Oh crap. Is she right? Am I falling for a friend? I mean, it makes sense and we are great together but he broke up with a girl he loved only six weeks ago. That is not enough time to recover and I am no one's rebound. I also don't want to be counted amongst the twenty-two year old floozies guys my age tend to "date" after a break up. He is, of course, not ready for another relationship nor is that what I'm looking for right now. I have at least eleven more guys to date until this "project" is over and I can get my head around things. Is this a case of bad timing or general stupidity? Why does it feel like high school all over again?

B & I sat down to talk about this situation honestly where he admitted he'd always liked me but that now was not a good time for him to start anything serious (Thank you, Captain Obvious!!!) He's afraid that if we tried something and it didn't work out, he'd be devastated about losing my friendship.

Here's the thing about that: if we dated and it didn't work out, yes, it would be awkward. If we dated and it did work it, yes, it would be fantastic. So what chances are we willing to take? I can't promise that things will go our way. I can't promise that one or both of us won't get hurt. I can't promise that this won't end really awkwardly. There are no guarantees in relationships or in life. My ex husband promised to love me forever in front of all of our family and friends...until one day, he didn't anymore. It's always sad when relationships end and people break up (ok, it's mostly sad. There are some couples you're just waiting to jump up and cheer for when it's finally over!) Yet the question remains: what risks are you willing to take in the name of Love?

Coffee To Go, Part Two

Why I drove 600 miles to get my picture taken

Or

The deep fried lobster chapter

In 1999, something magical happened. I went to the prom. No, not my prom (that was in 1998) but a friend's prom. We'd dated in the summer of '97 and he asked if I would go as his date. Always up for a good time and having a beautiful emerald green dress on hand, I said yes. I met a group of people there that I became very friendly with very quickly. I got closest to one girl in particular. When her boyfriend tickled her in the limo, her dress strap popped off! Oh the horror! We ran around the Marriott Marquis in search of a sewing kit before the prom started and I fixed her dress, no problem. Surviving such disasters brings people closer together. Alright, I know it's not like we made it through an earthquake or anything, but trust me, at 18, your dress popping open in Midtown is considered an emergency.

A decade later and we're still in touch. Sure, we've seen our share of rainbows and storms. Life has happened to both of us. She's married now to one of those high school friends and they have a beautiful little boy together up in Cape Cod. She started her own family photography business in their gorgeous neck of the Massachusetts woods and I went to visit in the hopes of having a fabulous photo of myself taken. I was by no means disappointed.

From the moment I got there, it was tea and girl talk. We hugged like old friends do and somehow, the time we hadn't seen each other faded into the background. It was as though we'd had pizza and gossip all the yesterdays before. There's a comfort in hanging out with people who knew you back when you barely knew yourself. Sharing inside jokes that only someone who was at a certain party in the year 2000 would find funny. Hearing about how her world has changed by becoming a wife and a mother. Knowing that your paths are different but the connection is still strong. I felt incredibly blessed to sit at her kitchen table, overlooking acres of dense wooded hills, watching her son play, thinking about how far we've both come.

We did have serious business to get down to and once her wonderful husband came home from work to hang out with the toddler, we wandered into the woods to take some photos. I have this dream that one day, my books will be published and I am in dire need of a fabulous picture of myself. I'm more often behind the camera than in front of it, so I enlisted the help of a professional for the shot. The first thing she did was make me crouch down in a field of wildflowers at sunset. Yes, I know how that sounds. But I'll tell you something - the very first picture she took of me is still my favorite!

She made me do other ridiculous things like lie down in the grass, hide behind some tall wheat stalks, and hug trees. I climbed up on rocks, straddled logs, and played peek-a-boo behind some ginormous branches. Everything I felt stupid doing in person (while she told me dirty jokes to get *real* smiles out of me) looked incredible on film. I shall not doubt her professional methods again!

We worked up quite an appetite in the Autumn dusk so we trudged back to the house to collect her husband and kid. I would like to add at this point that if all my friends were married to such kind, funny, caring, considerate, hard-working, generous men as she is, I would be VERY happy being a bridesmaid in all of their weddings. He's the kind of guy you just can't pick on (well, maybe except for his comic obsessions and video game playing - but I think that's more the rule than the exception!)

We packed ourselves into the car with their toddler listening to Jack Johnson on my iPhone. I've pretty much cemented my title in his mind as Aunt Music. The boy will probably never know my name. He'll just look at me and point to my phone for more music. Somehow, I'm ok with his. Whatever makes the kid happy.

They took me to their favorite little seafood place which closed for the season only a week after we were there. The restaurant was literally next to the Coast Guard station so of course, I took a picture and sent it to my brother! Inside, I ordered deep fried lobster and french fries which came with clarified butter. If my personal trainer is reading this, please accept my deepest apologies on behalf of my arteries. I am more than a little ashamed to admit that I dipped both the lobster and the fries into the butter and IT WAS GOOD!!!

Pretty sure my cholesterol level will not forgive me for that meal well into the next decade, but totally worth it!

You know those moments when you look around at the people next to you and think: I am so lucky! This was one of those moments. Ever since these friends moved four hours north, I haven't realized just how much I missed spending time with them until this take out dinner right now! We talked and laughed and they even tried to set me up with one of his hot co-workers who lives in Salem. I am totally ready to move to New England for a gorgeous Patriots fan (Sorry Jets peeps!) They even took a quick picture of me with the camera phone and texted it to him. Amazingly, it's a total cleavage shot. Completely unintentional, but couldn't hurt my chances!

We spend the rest of the night eating cheesecake around the kitchen table, teasing each other about old times, and scrolling through my online profile. They both laughed uncontrollably at the messages from The BirdMan of Bergen and threatened to disown me if I actually agreed to a date with him! I snuggled into the guest room for a peaceful night's sleep and in the morning, my girlfriend and I hit the beach for one more photo shoot before I got back on the road.

This time, I did everything from walking barefoot in the sand to laying down on the boardwalk (another boob shot!) My favorite moment came when a VERY cute fisherman was walking past as she had me hanging my feet over the edge of the wooden walkway. He stopped and asked us if this was an official modeling contract, if he'd violated some sort of set. We giggled and she snapped a couple photos of me next to him. Then he looked right at me and asked "Do you want to hold my pole?"

Ho. Ly. Crap. You can't make this stuff up!

He walked away, shaking his head in disbelief that those words had actually come out of his mouth when she shouted after him "This is Kimberly and she's single!!!" He laughed and I blushed and we ran back towards the car. Before we got in though, I left him a note (his was the only other car in the parking lot) that said "Hope to run into you on the beach again sometime. You seem like a great catch!"

Yes, I know how cheesy it was telling a fisherman he was a great catch. And no, in case you're wondering, he hasn't called.

Coffee To Go, Part One

This is the story of how I took 100 Cups of Coffee on the Road

OR

Why I drove 600 miles in one week for Red Velvet Cake Bites, deep fried lobster, and popcorn

Let me begin by saying that in the fifth grade, my teacher assigned everyone in our class a pen pal. This was some random kid in another school across the country that we would exchange letters with every week. I looked forward to these letters with so much enthusiasm, even though I'd never met the little girl writing them. I adore getting mail and as a kid, you really only receive birthday cards from your aunts and if you're lucky, postcards from bunkmates at summer camp (and even those peter out once fall starts and they go back to their school friends.)

About a year ago, my ex-boyfriend's new wife found me on facebook and we chatted a few times. She's really nice and they have the cutest little family together. While he will always be my first love, he is her Prince Charming and I'm incredibly happy for them. She started reading my blog and commenting on the posts. To this day, she has not missed one single entry. The girl knows how long it's been since I last wrote. She looks forward to waking up every morning and reading about my dating disasters with her (actual) cup of coffee. It's part of the routine and if she goes too long without a posting, I WILL hear about it!

This has never happened to me before. I was shocked by how fiercely loyal, supportive, encouraging, and kind this woman was seeing as we'd never met in person. She quickly became my pen pal, my confidante, and my true friend. I could tell her anything and vice versa. We'd commiserate about Dancing with the Stars (really, HOW did Bristol get so far???) and share our shock over Grey's Anatomy (did anyone see last season's finale coming? I didn't!) We'd even swap stories of what we were baking and taunt each other with the delicious smells of our respective kitchens. This is girl heaven!

We eventually took our relationship to the next level. I sent up birthday gifts for the children and she sent me a gorgeous plaque for my office wall. It hangs just above my computer every day as a reminder of why I'm writing this blog. Soon, we started texting and she's programmed into speed dial on my iPhone. One day, I needed to get the hell out of dodge and planned a road trip up to see some friends in Massachusetts and my little brother. I asked if I could stop over to spend time with her (and her husband). She was thrilled and excited. I'd been a little nervous to ask cause it felt like a first date but she was as warm and welcoming as ever.

I insisted I did not need anything fancy, I'd live on cheese and crackers for dinner. She scolded me that her children eat a balanced, nutritional meal and I would too! Wow, sorry mom!!! When I arrived (after six hours instead of four) she had roasted a freakin turkey with three vegetables on the side. Oh. My. God. Not only is she raising a pre-schooler and a one year old while being pregnant with baby number three, but she cooked a holiday feast and had dessert in the freezer.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go feel inadequate now!

Yet she didn't make me feel small at all. I busted out more gifts for the little ones (books of course) and she gave me a tin of her homemade red velvet cake bites. After dinner, I made us tea and when the kids went to bed, we swapped stories of lives lived abroad. We snuggled up into opposite ends of the couch and watched Dancing on tv while eating ice cream. (She remembered my favorite kind of ice cream from a blog post. Hello Stalker!!!)

All in all, it was the most comfortable, wonderful evening I could've spent with any one of my girlfriends.

When her husband came home after a very long day at work, he was a little taken aback to find both of us relaxing in the living room. He joked that it was like the Axis of Evil, two very smart women in the same room. We all chatted for a while and after she went to bed, he and I stayed up til four in the morning just catching up.

I know what you're thinking. She went to bed and left him alone with a girl he used to date until four am??? But it's not like that. You see, they have such a profound respect for each other and their marriage that there was NO chance of anything awkward happening. They trust each other implicitly because they both know the other would simply never break that trust. Never. No chance. No way. No how.

This is a foreign concept to me. I am an inherently skeptical and suspicious person. I have a very jealous nature. Yet she just wished us both good night and sailed upstairs with nary a worry in her mind. Someday, I aspire to be like them.

As much as it pains me to say it (because I've always been the wiser of us two) he made some very good points that night. With respect to my dating life, he suggested that I was going about things the wrong way. I was looking at this whole process with a defeatist attitude. That I might be better served by being a little more selective in whom I date, thus rendering me with better outcomes. While that is true, the purpose of going out with a hundred guys is to say yes to as many people as possible. It's about finding out who I want to date and who I definitely DON'T want to date. (You can argue that I've found more Don'ts than Do's!) Yet he assured me that I am a smart, beautiful, funny, outgoing girl (I'm still 16 in his mind) with a lot to offer and that I'll make an amazing wife someday. I just need to find the right husband.

Wow, dating advice from a boy who broke my heart fourteen years ago. It's like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

Sadly, I know he's right and he bet me $10 that I'd be in a serious relationship by this time next year on one condition: that I stop actively looking. No more dating losers because it's funny. No more charity cases. No more going out with guys who aren't worth my time. I'm just supposed to let it happen.

So if anyone knows a cute, available, normal single guy, please let me know and I'll text you my location. This way, we can run into each other accidentally on purpose. I'll share my $10 with you!!!

The Creature

It's probably a bad sign that his friends call him "The Creature."

Some of them also call him "The General" and I don't have the heart to ask why. Most likely, I should never know this information. It'll make the date more palatable.

I only agreed to go on this adventure as a favor to a friend. This guy had just gotten divorced and needed dating experience with someone kind to boost his confidence. Might I suggest that I am NOT that person???

He's someone I knew in high school but haven't seen since. We only socialized through mutual acquaintances thus losing connection after college. He had a radio show I remember hearing about and it was so funny (in a bad way) that I wrote a play based on his character - Dr Love. Sadly, my script never hit Broadway but I got a good giggle out of writing it!

It all begins when my friend (whom I may end up de-friending after this) "inadvertently mentioned" (read: totally did it on purpose) to the guy that I was going on one hundred dates this year. He "accidentally suggested" (read: intentionally planted the seed) that this guy be one of my dates. See: train wreck waiting to happen; see also: recipe for disaster.

Of course, within a day, I receive a facebook message (curse you modern technology) just dropping a line to say hello. Please note that when a person you haven't seen or spoken to in years writes to you, it is NEVER "just" to say hello.

We exchange a few hey, how are you, what's your life like, catching up messages and then he friends me. Great. Now how do I say no? Ugh...my mother always told me I was too nice and would get myself into trouble. I HATE it when she's right!

Yes, I accepted his friend request and before I knew it, I'd agreed to a date Wednesday evening. He did pick an Italian place I'm fond of so I figured at least the food would be good. I should tell you though that when I got dressed for the date, it was in jeans and a sweater with ballet flats and my hair in a braid!. For girls everywhere, this is the tell-tale sign that you are not interested in said boy. Normally, I'm in a cute top with skinny jeans or leggings and boots, hair blown out straight and long. In the summer, I'll make the effort to wear a sundress and sparkly flip flops. In this outfit, I certainly didn't look like I was hitting the gym, but it wasn't much of an upgrade from what I'd wear to the dentist.

Perfume for the evening was a heavy spritz of Eau d'Impending Doom...

We meet at the restaurant and he greets me at the door. Let me rephrase. A much heavier, shorter version of him meets me at the door. I did not recognize the poor guy and if he hadn't held the door open and said "Hi Kim," I would've walked right past him. Bad sign number one.

He launches into a tirade about his day at work, what he does for a living (something corporate and with computers - I still don't understand) and we haven't even ordered wine yet! I'm trying to concentrate on the menu but all I keep hearing him say is "meat platter" which I'm pretty sure will be a debacle (what with me not eating meat and all). I ask for the wine tasting (all white) and he does the same (all red). A compromise is made on eggplant parm as the appetizer. As I'm about to scoop a giant slice of tomato sauce and vegetable into my mouth he asks "So why'd your marriage end?"

Wow. Divorce as a topic of conversation in five minutes or less. GO!

I try to come up with a gracious answer because what he's actually saying is "Why did your husband leave after seven years? Were you really that terrible of a wife?" and there is NO good response to that question. I settle on the standard "He decided he didn't want children" which is completely true and doesn't slander either of us in either way. Fortunately, he re-directs to how much he's looking forward to being a father someday. Unfortunately, he uses it as a platform to launch into why his psycho bitch of an ex-wife cheated on him, left him, had him evicted from his own apartment and he met the guy she was messing around with on the street just last week.

Yeah, that's the story I wanted to wash down my appetizer with. Please continue regaling me with how she signed up for online dating while you were still married. No, really, I want to hear all about it. (Not.)

Back story: I did a little research after the fact to find out that while the bitchiness of his ex is indisputable, the "guy" was her best friend, there was never proof of anything illicit between them, and he got evicted cause he was such a dirty mess after they split that the landlord just couldn't take it anymore.

"All I want is someone to curl up with on Sunday mornings, eat bagels and read the newspaper."

Yes, I know that this sounds great. In theory, it's a fabulous idea. Except for a few minor details: 1) If I'm in bed on Sunday morning, there is a 98% chance that I'm still sleeping. 2) If I'm out of bed on Sunday morning, it means I made it to church on time. 3) One of us would have had to get out of bed in order to get the bagels in the first place. 4) I hate crumbs in my sheets. 5) Who actually reads the newspaper anymore? It's way too depressing.

Oh, and did I mention he was Jewish? So definitely not coming to church with me. Trying to get me to convert over an entree? Not gonna happen, buddy.

Then he ties it all neatly together. Jewish + children = he already has names picked out. How do I know this? Because he brought up his dead grandparents! I am all for honoring loved ones by naming the next generation with respect to those who came before us. Perhaps we should wait to do this til ... oh, I don't know... the thirty-second date???

Other topics of conversation include his estrangement from his father, why he drives a Subaru and not a Mercedes, how he doesn't see why strip clubs are a bad thing, and a computer animated movie from 1984 that he has the DVD of in his car and I absolutely MUST watch it. Um, no, but thanks anyway.

His nomination as king of the non-sequitor was sealed with the quote of the night: "I'm anti-celery." Really? Anti-gun? Sure. Anti-abortion? I get it. But anti-fibrous vegetable? I don't think that's a political platform anyone has run on.

He then asks me about my writing, specifically about the dates I've gone on and how bad they've been. He wants to know how this one compares. I tell him I'll hold off answering until the date is over. He wants to know if he "gets" a second date. Again, I tell him I'll reserve judgement until the end of the night (which cannot come soon enough). I then inquire as to why he'd even want to date me knowing that I'm writing about it and also knowing that I've dated his friend. I mean, I certainly wouldn't want to go out with anyone who went out with one of my friends. His response was "Anything he can do, I can do better."

Annie, Get Your Gun. And please PLEASE shoot me!