You Are It

Knowing me means knowing that the majority of my quotable moments come from Mel Brooks movies, Sex & the City, The Princess Bride, or Friends. Guess which one this is:

Monica: Do you ever think about the future?

Richard: Yup.

Monica: Am I in it?

Richard: Honey, you are it.

If you want to know what I'm looking for from a relationship, it's simple. Those three magic little words. Surprisingly, not I Love You (although that's obviously important.) The words I want to hear most from a man are simply: You Are It.

You are it for me, whatever "it" is. You are my whole life, my future wrapped up in one amazing person. You are my happiness, you are my world. You are the one who brings me joy, the one who comforts me in my times of sorrow, the one who brightens my day just by being there. You are the one I want to come home to, the one I want to share all my secrets with, the one I want to create all my memories around. You are the one whose hand I want to hold, the one who will always be my in case of emergency contact, the one I want to grow old next to. You are the great love I've been looking for and cannot believe I'm lucky enough to have found. You are the family I choose for myself. You are my best friend, my soul mate, my happily ever after. You are my person. You are it.

That's the point, isn't it? That's what we are all looking for. The missing piece of the puzzle. The thing that completes us. It's funny because I would like to think that I'm a whole person looking for another whole person and together, we'll just be two great people. But I'm starting to wonder if I don't feel complete because the ancient adage is true --- I haven't found my other half.

Maybe Jason is my person. Maybe he is it for me and I for him. Maybe we're supposed to make it work, make it last, make it through this somehow. Maybe we're just a couple of kids having a great time dating and aren't meant to last forever. I only know that we can't figure things out either way if he isn't giving us a fair shot. If he does not or can not give me his whole heart, then there's no point in even trying. I am a 100% person --- I can't play the game from the bench. What does he need from me to see that we could be something worth fighting for? 

There is one other television reference, which you may have garnered from "You are my person." Grey's Anatomy (the early seasons) taught me a lot about love, a lot about loss, and a lot about honesty. If I'm honest with myself, I feel a little pathetic. Standing out there in the rain is Meredith, facing a broken yet gorgeous Dr McDreamy, knowing full well that he was married and she cannot completely have him. His wife shows up and yet Meredith fights for their relationship because she sees beyond the present situation. She sees that his feelings for her run deep. She sees their future together. Meredith pleads with him before he walks out the door: "Pick me. Choose me. Love me."

Am I the strong one for demanding Jason make a decision? Am I brave for defending myself, demanding the respect and loyalty I deserve? Am I crazy to think that a man who looks at me the way he does, who kisses me the way he does, who treats me as well as he does should know that I am the best - nay, the only - option for him? Or am I just some sad, lonely girl begging a man to love me, when he may not find me lovable at all?

I like to think that I'm stronger, smarter, and braver than I give myself credit for, but even as I write this, I am questioning my own ultimatum. As much resolve as I had when I insisted he choose, I now have equal amounts of doubt that this will end well for either of us. This might not go the way I hope it will. He might not see us the way I do. I may have played too high of a card too soon in the game, bet too big, raised the stakes too high. 

Or maybe...just maybe...he'll come back and say Honey, You Are It.