Worth It

I am starting to question who I am in relationships. I think that I'm a strong woman who knows what she wants and knows what she has to offer. But instead I find myself wondering: am I too demanding???

Jason has been seeing this other woman for nearly two years. She's still married and living with her husband and children. She says she's filed for divorce but who really knows and frankly, who cares? The point is that he has feelings for her but their relationship has been on the rocks for several months now. He said he wrote to me originally thinking it'd be fun. Nice change of pace to go out with someone new. And it was - we had a blast together! They'd been growing apart and hadn't seen much of each other. She had no time for him. They hardly talk. They almost never see each other. It's not intimate. So why keep her around? I wonder. What's the big deal about her? He's dating me and surely that should be enough. Surely, I am enough?

When I asked him why he didn't tell me about her sooner, he said "I never expected this to go anywhere. I never expected you to be you!" He likes me a lot. He's "attached" to me. He pictures a future with me. But he sees a completely different life with her. And he doesn't know which one he wants. 

He promised me it wouldn't drag on "for months and months" and he'd make up his mind as soon as possible. We discussed it at length last night and finally, I came to the conclusion that I needed to know one way or another. I've got a friend's birthday coming up, and a wedding I got invited to with a date, plus there are theater tickets we were looking to get... All these plans with a man who isn't really mine. He calls himself my boyfriend but he's not committed exclusively to me. I can't handle it. And I finally asked him to choose. 

I want to be someone's first choice, not a consolation prize. I feel like our entire relationship, I'm standing on a trap door, waiting for him to pull it out from under me. The ink will dry on her divorce papers and what? He'll drop me like a hot potato. I don't deserve that. It's not fair. 

He told me he needed 4-6 months to really make up his mind. Am I supposed to wait around for half a year while he figures out if he wants me or not? That sucks. I am 32 years old and I want a marriage and children and a life with someone. Who can wait around just to discover you've wasted all that precious time away? Not to be all melodramatic but my eggs aren't getting any younger and neither am I! Is that awful? To know what you want and not be willing to wait for it? I think a man would have a pretty clear vision by 38 years old. He should have a general sense of what he wants and when he meets a woman, maybe he figures out if she's the one he might possibly want it with? How long does it take? How do you know? 

Maybe it stems from my divorce but I'm so afraid of someone I care about rejecting me. Rejecting my love. Rejecting my sexual desires. I can handle it if the guy isn't right and we don't work out, but someone who claims to adore me, lust after me, be infatuated with me --- and yet still rejects me in that way. It's like screaming "you're not good enough" at minimum volume but playing it on repeat throughout the day. Just so it's there. Just so you notice it. Just so when you're not distracted by all the nice things he does for you, you can hear it. You're not good enough. 

You're not good enough to be his girlfriend. You're not good enough for him to love. You're not good enough for him to be faithful and committed and loyal. You're not good enough to be sexy and desirable and wanted. There's something missing. He needs more. You're not it. You are not enough. 

There it is. In writing. My biggest fear. 

And yet it's in direct contradiction to how I feel about myself. I think I'm Girlfriend of the Year. I think I have a lot to offer. I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, and quite frankly if you gave me a knife, I could slice my own damn bread! I have this huge amount of confidence. Tons of self esteem. And yet I'm shaking at the thought of not being picked. Not being loved. Not being good enough. 

What am I missing? Please tell me because I truly don't know. I need a mirror to show me what I'm doing wrong. I have my own life. I'm not desperate. I don't want marriage and children tomorrow but eventually they'd be nice. I have a job and friends and a business and hobbies and a busy schedule that I make time in when someone is important to me. I try not to be super needy or dependent or clingy but yes I require affection and attention as all women do. Any woman who says she doesn't is lying.

I'm harsh and I'm judgmental and maybe I am a little demanding but I'm worth it. I am worth it. Aren't I???