Cupcakes & Vibrators

Dear Mom,

Don't read this blog.

Love, Kim


I MISS SEX. Alright, there it is. I said it. I miss sex and I think about it all the time. (Seriously. ALL the time!)

What is it about sex that's just so damn good? What is it I'm missing so much? Sure, the physical stimulation is fantastic but that's not the best part for me. It's the connection to another person. It's the attentiveness of my partner. It's being made to feel as though I am the most special, beautiful, wonderful, sexiest woman in the whole world. I miss that feeling. I miss the intimacy. I miss that for a few minutes (hours if I'm lucky!) my partner's entire goal is to make me feel incredible, and vice versa. I miss the bedroom being the center of our coupled off little universe. I miss a man adoring me, holding me, touching me, pleasuring me. I miss the smile on his face knowing how happy he's making me. I miss sharing those naughty little secrets that only the two of us know about. I definitely miss kissing.

Don't get me wrong, being single has its perks. Complete control of the remote. Tons of time with your girlfriends. Cereal as an acceptable dinner option. Curling up in bed with a hot cup of tea and a deliciously good book. Yet there are nights (and mornings) when I'd rather be in bed with a hot man and deliciously good sex.

I try not to focus on it. I try to think about something, anything else. I try to avoid situations, movies, songs, etc that would make me want it more (if that's even possible!) Yet after surviving single life for as long as I have, it's time to take matters into my own hands.

Pun intended.

As part of my I Hate Valentine's Day (but I love LOVE) weekend, I wanted to do something super fun and exciting for not just the single women in my life, but for all my girlfriends. Married, divorced, separated, dating, engaged, happily single, unhappily single, gay, straight, tall, short, blonde, brunette, bubbly, quiet, outgoing, shy, experienced, curious, confused, overwhelmed, understated, passionate, creative, reserved, and hopeful. Every one of these women are different - I have no two friends the same. It's part of what makes my life so completely enjoyable. Yet get them together and it's the best of all worlds colliding. Monday night was the most fun I've had in a l-o-n-g time.

Monday night, I hosted a Passion Party.

Abby, our Passion Party consultant had on display the items from the "nice" catalog first. We rubbed pheromones on our wrists which works like perfume, except that ten minutes later, every one of us smelled different. Talk about bringing out our animal instincts! She showed us lotions, creams, plumping lip gloss, even candles that melt down into edible massage oil! We played a game shouting out the dirtiest words we could think of and I have to tell you, in all the years I've been friends with these women, I have never heard those words come out of their mouths. There were prizes involved and our competitive natures took over. Twelve ladies --- no holds barred!

The second half of the night was the toys from the "naughty" catalog which is when things got really interesting. We were ever so slightly hesitant at first about touching, feeling, and passing these gadgets around but there was no denying we were all intrigued. A few bottles of pink champagne got the girls to let go of those inhibitions because there was not one speck of judgement in that room. We were all there for the same reason - to love ourselves and our partners (where applicable) and to make our sex lives the best they could possibly be. If there was any doubt at all that these vibrators and other gizmos would bring us pleasure, we only had to follow Abby's instructions to touch them to our nose and times the sensation by four. I'm relatively certain that's when we all went from "I'm not sure if I'm buying anything" to "I can't decide which one to buy."

If I've learned anything about myself from being single, it's that I have to take the time and make the effort for me now because there's no one else to do it. It's the perfect excuse to be selfish, in a way I might never be able to again. Plenty of us girls were treating ourselves to a something special. Many others bought toys to share with their partners. For the first time in my life, what I buy, what I eat, what I wear, where I go,  how I spend my time --- it's all about ME. I don't have to think of anyone else. At all. It's incredibly freeing. I can have all the cupcakes and vibrators I want. There's no one to stop me.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a plain brown box in the mail with my name on it. Date night with myself. Bottle of wine. Box of chocolate. Extra batteries. And no socks left on the floor!

V-Day

Please note: This blog entry has been updated for 2012!

No date strikes fear into the hearts of single people everywhere so much as the dreaded February 14th.

Yes, we all want someone to smooch under the mistletoe at Christmas time and yes, we all want to kiss someone at midnight on New Year's. It's true that 4th of July fireworks are far more magical when you watch them with someone you love and even Thanksgiving turkey tastes better when you have a partner to be thankful for. Amazingly, I have never been single on V-Day and yet, they have always sucked. You see, I have had 19 crappy Valentine's Days in a row!

My daddy was always my Valentine. He'd bring home a red, heart-shaped box of chocolates for me and I was absolutely thrilled. Yet from the time I turned 11 and he stopped being the only man in my life, it has been one disappointment after another.

*Please note: Some names have been changed to protect the guilty - but not all!*

1992: I have had a crush on Stevie since the 2nd grade. He gives me a Valentine which I believe means he likes me. I stare dreamily off into space all during lunch, making doe eyes at him on the playground. I find out that afternoon that his mom made him give me one. He still thinks I'm a dweeb. Am heartbroken.

1993: Gary passes me a cute note in English class. He smiles at me in the hallway. He kisses me on the cheek (my first kiss!!!) in the stairwell by the cafeteria. I'm in love. We're totally boyfriend / girlfriend. After school, I hear him laughing with some other boys about how he'd never go out with me. I spend the entire weekend in bed with the Babysitters Club books and a hot cup of tea.

1994: It is a Friday afternoon. Chris asks me to be his girlfriend. I am on Cloud 9 for three whole days. I return to school on Monday and discover that he was set up to ask me out as a practical joke. Am not amused.

1995: Have a crush on a very cute boy named Knox. He is the best looking person I've ever met in my young life. During science, the heart shaped lollipop fundraiser people come around to our class to deliver goodies. I anxiously await my delivery as every single girl in our class gets a lollipop from him. Except me. I spend the rest of the day crying in the bathroom.

1996: I am in a new school and have a proper boyfriend. Liam and I have been dating for a few months and he brings me flowers for Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, he dropped them in the slush at the bus stop that morning and they got a little run over. They're muddy and droopy and very sad looking. He gives them to me anyway. I carry the most pathetic bunch of daisies anyone has ever seen, figuring the crappy flowers are better than no flowers at all.

1997: This year will be different. Anthony and I have been dating for months and his sister is away at a cheerleading competition, leaving his aunt short one bridesmaid for her V-Day wedding. She throws me into his sister's dress which is a hideous shimmery mauve. Anthony and I get to walk up the aisle together, arm in arm. We dance and eat and drink Sambuca out of chocolate cups. I say "I Love You" to him for the first time. He throws up.

1998: Senior year of high school and I am head over heels for a boy who lives in Massachusetts. It's hard being so far apart from Chad but we write to each other several times a week and call when our parents let us use their long distance plans. *Please note: this is before email, cell phones, and texting. We did things the old-fashioned way - we wrote letters!* I've sent up a package of lovey-dovey items to him for Valentine's Day: chocolates, candy, Hallmark cards to last a week, love letters with scrawly handwriting and hearts dotting the i's. I even scented the paper with my perfume he loves so much. I check the mail religiously all weekend. Nothing comes.

1999: College is going to be different. I've had a boyfriend for six months and we are very serious about each other. This is my first long-term relationship, as everyone before him petered out at around three months. David scatters rose petals on twin bed in my college dorm room. He borrows my roommate's grandmother's ring, gets down on one knee, and asks me to marry him. I am shocked. I don't know what to say. I'm seventeen years old - that's a good age to get married, right? But before I can answer, he starts laughing and blurts out "Just Kidding!" I slap a man across the face for the first time in my life.

2000: David and I are still dating and now it's been a year and a half. I took the winter semester off from school and decide to surprise my sweet boyfriend by driving the two hours upstate to see him for the holiday weekend. The surprise was on me when I found him in bed with my roommate and another girl. Yuck.

2001: I haven't had a boyfriend since David and I broke up because men suck and I cannot bring myself to look any of them in the eye. Yet I tentatively started dating a friend from work and things are going well. We are supposed to go out for V-Day dinner and I meet him at his place. The closet is open and I see several women's outfits which baffles me. I ask if they are his mother's or his sister's and he says "No, they're mine. Just a hobby." Cross dressing. Did not see that coming.

2002: It's been six months since I met John in England. We couldn't fathom breaking up so since I got back to New York before Christmas, we've been doing the long distance thing. I keep a sharp eye out for Air Mail envelopes in the post as he writes to me as often as he can. Phone calls to England racked up hundreds of dollars in bills last month so I'm down to the bare minimum talking time. He sends a Valentine's card which is really sweet. Unfortunately with the delays of overseas delivery, I don't get it until February 22nd. This sucks.

2003: John and I are engaged and getting married this year! I'm so excited, I can hardly breathe. I know that my fiance will do something amazing for our first engaged V-Day together! I just know he will. Any...minute...now... Ok, well he kinda forgot. I guess there's always next year.

2004: Guess who forgot again? Yup, that would be my husband.

2005: I take the day off of work to stay home and make him a special Valentine's Day dinner. I clean the whole house, shower, dry my hair, dress up really pretty, put on lots of make up, set the table with candles and pour delicious wine. He does not walk in at 5:00 as planned. Or 6:00. Or 7:00. He took on extra hours and comes home exhausted and a little drunk at 1:00 am. I lock the bedroom door and make him sleep on the couch.

2006: This husband thing is supposed to be a guaranteed gift for Valentine's Day. Married people aren't supposed to scramble around, wondering if they're going to have a date or not, if they'll get a gift or not. I put a lot of thought into his present this year. He bought me a video game. I asked him to spend less time playing on the PlayStation. His argument was that if I had a game I liked, we could play together. Not exactly the romantic evening I had in mind, asshole!

2007: There is a terrible ice storm with obscene amounts of snowfall and blizzard conditions. I have to go to work but they send me home halfway through the day. I return in the hopes of having a lovely afternoon with my husband and a romantic Valentine's evening. He hasn't made any plans. With the weather this bad, we can't really go out to a restaurant. We trudge to the supermarket and buy some food. I cook dinner and we eat in silence in front of the television. I cry myself to sleep.

2008: My husband moved out four months ago. A friend I'm sort of seeing asks me to visit New Orleans with him for a few days so I hop on a plane and go. We have a great time and I almost forget about the impending doom of V-Day. Yet one dinner at Emeril's Delmonico makes me sick. There is cayenne pepper in the macadamia nut cookie during dessert. I vomit for hours that night and the entire plane ride back to New York the next day. I really hate this holiday.

2009: I have a migraine that lasts for five months. On the plus side, I don't remember anything about Valentine's Day!

2010: Amazingly, not the worst V-Day ever. Had dinner with a date down in Little Italy and then enjoyed the late night opening of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, including drinks and jazz music. Felt very cultured and totally away from the sickening forced romance of the Hallmark holiday. We just acted like normal people, like it was any other day of the week. First time in 18 years I haven't wanted to kill someone. Progress, I say!!!

2011: I've decided to face this holiday with as much grace and charm as I can muster. I've been busy making chocolates to distribute to my single girlfriends everywhere. I plan on hitting the gym in the afternoon (which should be fairly empty) and going to improv rehearsal at night, then the ladies and I will grab drinks and snacks at the most unromantic lounge we can find in midtown. If nothing else, I know my fudge won't let me down!

2012: Kit & I broke up five months ago and yet, it feels like yesterday. We would have been together for eleven months, looking forward to our first V-Day together, and instead I am sitting in Starbucks alone, updating this blog about how much my Valentine's have sucked every year.

ON THE PLUS SIDE: I threw an I Hate Valentine's Day Party on Friday night which was completely awesome. We hung out at the bar, went bowling, and decorated huge heart shaped balloons with our Anti-Love sayings and cartoon figures. There were red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and chocolate chip cherry brownies. Last night, I hosted a Passion Party (totally different occasion - blog to follow!) and it was utter bliss. Getting together with the girls, both single and attached, playing games, drinking pink champagne, eating double dunked chocolate cake bites, and laughing so hard our bellies hurt...I needed that.

This morning, I woke up to cat vomit on my blankets, the floor, and my clean clothes pile which roped me right back into reality.

An hour later though, I had hot pink roses from my sister, a text from my brother, facebook messages from a ton of friends, and a Hallmark card that made me laugh til I cried from my mom.

On the kitchen table sat a stuffed dog with his arms stretched open wide. On his tummy was stitched I LOVE YOU THIS BIG. Next to the puppy was a heart shaped box of chocolates from my dad, the kind he got me every year until I was ten (after which it was all downhill!) Dearest Kimberly, You are the light in my life. I will always be your Valentine. And I love you, Daddy

I do not have a boyfriend this year. I am not out on a dinner date wearing a new dress at a fancy restaurant. I am not curled up by the fireplace at a Bed & Breakfast with my handsome man, a plate full of strawberries and jazz music on the radio. I am not in love with one particular partner right now. But I am not alone. I am not lonely. I am not miserable. I am not giving up on love - today or any day. I believe that love finds us when we are good and ready for it and the right partner could be just around the corner, not just on Valentine's Day but any day.

Tonight, I plan on having a nice meal with my parents, curling up with my Netflix and my Whitman Sampler, and appreciating my single status instead of cursing it. I will continue to be the champion of romance on random Tuesdays, the cheerleader for love in times of trial, and the everlasting believer in Happily Ever After.

Handle With Care

Kim,

First of all let me please start off by telling you I have absolutely loved your blog since I first started reading it. I came across it when I was in a similar situation to you. I completely feel your pain on what happened with you and Kit, I really really do. My second ever relationship I met online and we dated for 6 months or so. He was amazing, and a very wonderful boyfriend. Things ended kind of suddenly, and I found out why later. He had been having a long distance relationship behind my back for months. 


Well, would you believe me if I told you that this very same guy 7 years later is now my husband?

I know, I know. I must be crazy right?? 

During the 7 years between our first disastrous relationship and now, we stayed in contact. It wasn't frequent, we just stayed on each other's friends list on MySpace and then progressed to Facebook when the MySpace craze died out. When my 2 year live in relationship ended, it just so happened that a 2 year serious relationship of his also fizzled out. We talked a lot -  he was my shoulder to cry on believe it or not. 

Fast forward two more years and I was having a Halloween get-together and I invited Doug. I honestly didn't think he would show up. I can't explain it, but when I saw him that night at my party, it was like something just clicked. Something had changed and those old feelings came back.  I knew he was different, he had grown up. We started dating and he apologized to me for the hurt and pain he had caused in the past. He was young and dumb, and yeah I realize that isn't much of an excuse but I understood. I explained to him that all those times during those 7 years that he tried to get back together that I was scared. I didn't want to be hurt again. 


Well 9 months later we were in Las Vegas getting hitched! It was the best decision I ever made.


It wasn't easy. Trusting someone after a betrayal is difficult, I know. Old issues still rear their ugly head, but I am trying my very best to let the past be in the past. He showed me he had changed, but I also feel that not everyone CAN change. In your shoes, I would have felt the very same way. 
My point of all this is that while I am definitely not on Team Kit, I thought maybe you'd like to hear my story. I am sure your Prince Charming is out there waiting for you and I just know you will be finding him very soon! :)

Thank you for your wonderful blog and sharing so much with us readers!
Lauren


Dear Lauren, 


I seriously have to stop tearing up every time I read one of these amazing letters! Thank you so much for writing to me and sharing your story. There's something so touching about a woman whose heart is open to love, who has been through the wringer and come out the other side. Who has survived a heartbreak like you and I have and lived to tell about it. Who has gotten stronger and smarter and still found the man she was looking for. Shockingly, the man she had the whole time!


I think that your story with Doug is a diamond in the rough. It's not common, but that's what makes it special! I WANTED to forgive Kit for what he did. I wanted to move past it. I wanted us to be together, convinced it could and would work if we both put the effort it. He hasn't grown up yet. He needs time to change. He has to figure out what Doug did - being young and stupid only works as an excuse for so long. It's going to take me a long time to get over what happened and figure out how to deal with it for myself, if not for him. This does not mean that we're getting back together, but it does mean it's impossible to stop loving someone you once felt so strongly for. It doesn't happen at the touch of a button, or even overnight. In your case, the feelings clearly never went away. In fact, it sounds like they're back and better than ever!


I know what you mean about being scared. I don't want to get hurt again either. It's so hard to trust someone and once that's gone, I don't know if it can ever fully be recovered. There are steps you can take to rebuild it but for me, it's like dropping a ceramic mug on the floor. If you drop it on the rug and a few pieces split off, you can glue them back on but you'll always see the cracks. Drop it on tile though and it shatters, you might as well sweep up the shards and start fresh with a new mug. Relationships need to be handled with the same gentle care we'd use for anything precious.


Relationships are fragile. Handle them with care. 


I hope that Doug knows how lucky he is to have you in his life and never takes your love for granted. I hope that he marvels every single day in awe of the woman who gave him a second chance. I hope that he never loses sight of what his life was like without you in it and chooses to be with you every day. Chooses to stay faithful to you. Chooses to love you. Chooses to make you his #1 priority. That's what a good husband does. Makes his wife the center of the universe and appreciates that everything else revolves around her. Love is like the sun. Without it, everything else withers away and dies. Be the sunshine every day for him. Be the thing he looks forward to. Be the bright spot in his darkest night. Be the woman he could never live without. Be generous, gracious, forgiving and loyal. Be gentle with him. Be happy as often as possible. And be grateful you have a partner who recognizes all the good in you.


Wishing you both a lifetime of love. Thank you for reading, and especially for reaching out!
Hugs, Kim

You & Tequila Make Me Crazy

I'm changing my name to Erica.

Ummm, I should probably explain that one?

So basically, I met this guy (we'll call him Roger) almost four years ago. My husband had moved out less than a year before and was already living with his new girlfriend. I had just gotten cheated on by my interim boyfriend and was feeling less than stellar about myself. When my girlfriend invited all her besties out for a fabulous night on the town, I said yes. I desperately needed an evening of drinks and dancing to feel like a superstar rather than a drowned rat.

Enter Roger.

We were out at a Mexican restaurant indulging in 28 ounce margaritas (I had two) and flirting across the table. He revealed that his girlfriend had broken up with him not very long before and was already seeing some other guy. He told most of this story to my chest - I was wearing a lower cut shirt than is customary for my wardrobe - as my black satin bra was somewhat visible with the little bow in the center just peeking out. Normally, my clothing reflects my sweet, conservative nature. This was not one of those nights.

Dinner was followed by my first experience at a karaoke bar (what is it with me and karaoke???) where we were no longer separated by a table. In fact, we weren't separated by much at all. The only time we took a break from making out was my turn to embarrass myself on stage with the ladies singing our rendition of a Debbie Gibson song. I use the term singing very loosely. Turns out, your favorite song from 1987 is a great idea on the train into the city. Fifty-six ounces of tequila later, the words have completely escaped your brain and standing on a raised stage may be hazardous to your health.

Thank God there is no YouTube video of this. F'ing hilarious!

Making out at the bar turned into making out outside the bar turned into my girlfriends literally pulling us apart and pouring me into a taxi. I had never gone home with a man I'd just met and despite my drunken state, I wasn't about to start now. One night stands are a bit like wearing too much glitter. Sparkly and fun at night but hard to shake off in the morning.

That night, I broke up with both tequila and glitter.

Shockingly, he called the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. I was so proud of myself for not giving in to my alcohol induced temptation. We started a real relationship and continued dating for four months. He cooked me dinner at his apartment. He took me to fancy work parties. He walked me around the Cloisters, pointing out paintings and architecture he loved. He put on jazz music, poured chilled wine, and taught me how to play chess. He sat on a bench mid-autumn holding my hand, sharing a bag of roasted peanuts, watching the leaves change color across the river. He was the epitome of romance.

Sadly, neither his ex nor mine were completely out of the picture. We had become each other's rebound relationships without ever meaning to be. Neither of us had totally recovered from our previous heartbreak, thus rendering us incapable of dedicating our whole selves to the other person. Ultimately we split up because we were simply not ready to be together.

Sucked. Big time.

FOUR YEARS LATER

My blog has taken on a life of its own and as of this posting, I have 2,900+ fans on facebook. I've just learned how to use twitter and last week, who pops up on my new follower list but Roger!!! Ho. Ly. Crap. How did he find me???

I sent him a direct message saying "Hey! Thanks for the follow. How'd you find my blog?" to which he replies "I'm not really sure. Friends on facebook probably recommended it. Your writing is great by the way."

Ummm, I am guessing by that response he has no idea it's me.

We tweet back and forth until four in the morning. He still doesn't realize who I am.

It takes every ounce of will power I have not to tell him "Hi, I'm the girl who used to date you. Frankly, I'm a little insulted that you don't remember!" but instead we talk about all those general things two "strangers" might discuss when both are awake in the middle of the night.

The next day, I get a message from him saying "This is crazy but I feel like I know you. I think we might have met before."

No shit Sherlock!!!

"What were you doing in 2008?"

Being your girlfriend. Duh.

Finally, it hits him who I am and the entire conversation shifts. We rehash some of our good times together. He cracks a few jokes about us and we're right back where we were four years ago. I forgot how easy going he was, how comfortable he made me, how completely at ease I feel talking to him.

Then the flirting begins. *Note: I am a huge flirt. I can't help it. I have always flirted with guys, and will probably continue flirting with guys, until I am a little old lady in the nursing home and they have to wheel me away from the cute orderlies.*

The texting and flirting is innocent (Up to a point. And then... it's not so innocent.) I'm getting those butterflies in my tummy that tell me this guy is special. He makes my insides do flip flops. I am addicted to the thought of him. I can't get him out of my head. I start dreaming about him. Boy, do I have it bad!

I consulted many friends on my conundrum. Sara said that dating your own ex is a bit like eating your own leftovers after they've been in the fridge too long. (You never know if they've gone moldy or gotten freezer burn!) Robbie asked if I'd run out of men to date, thus having to recycle them. Bella believes that the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person but the right person at the right time deserves a second chance. Kat just asked why I'd want to bother with yet another man.

One of these days, one of these men isn't going to be "just another man." He won't be a frog. He will be a prince. How will I know if I don't at least try to kiss him?

Figuratively speaking of course...Ok, ok. Maybe literally speaking!

Roger has moved away from New York and up to New England. I am saddened by the thought of not being able to stroll through Central Park with him mid winter, attend the ballet, or share ravioli and chardonnay over candlelight. It is this momentary sorrow that makes me realize: I miss Roger. Dare I say it, I might actually like to be with him!

Me: So how far away are you exactly?
Roger: Two hundred and sixty two miles. Not that I'm counting.
Me: Wow. That's precise.
Roger: Yes, well a certain someone keeps reminding me.
Me: So how long does it take to drive?
Roger: About five hours. Not really easy to be home for dinner.
Me: Why would you come back for dinner?
Roger: Because I'm tired of hearing that I'm too far away.
Me: From who???
(((Long Pause)))
Me: Ummm...girlfriend?
Roger: Yes.
Me: How long?
Roger: A year and a half.
Me: Ok. Did not see that coming.
Roger: Sorry. I would have told you sooner but we were talking and flirting and it felt really nice and I didn't think anything would come of it.
Me: So now something might come of it?
Roger: I don't know. I was kind of hoping so.
Me: And what would that be?
Roger: That you'd get in the car and come up here.
Me: I would have. In a heartbeat. I can't do that now.
Roger: I know. I have never cheated on her and I would never cheat on her. I can't hurt her. I can't. But I really enjoy talking to you. Can we still talk?

So now here I am, a guy I really like on one end and my morals on the other. I've been sitting in rather high judgement of girls who "steal" other women's boyfriends through any means possible. I refuse to become one of those women. I REFUSE. But where do I draw the line? Can I keep talking to him? What are we allowed to say? And how do I put my feelings back in check now that I'm not allowed to have feelings towards him because he's taken?!?!

It's been three days of torture, texting, tweeting, and talking with him since I found out that Roger is technically off the market. I hate him for keeping it from me and I hate myself even more for wanting some part of him despite my newly acquired knowledge. There are so many factors to consider: He's not happy with her - they "break up" on the phone every other week. From everything he's told me, she sounds like a miserable cow. He's only staying with her because there's never a convenient time to break up and he feels guilty for being so far away. The fact of the matter is that if he was really that unhappy, he'd probably have broken things off already, no? We didn't really have a chance when we first dated, I wonder what it would be like now that we've both grown up? If we're just talking but I never see him, does that count as him being disloyal in his relationship?

My head is about to explode!

The short answer is: If I continue flirting with him KNOWING what I know now, I am no better than the homewrecker I outed on this blog just a few months back. I cannot sit here and say we are women and we must stick together and then carry on with another woman's boyfriend. I can't. I hold myself to the same standards I hold all of you and I wanted you to know that.

Depressing though it might be, Roger is taken. End. Of. Story.

I guess I can stay a Kimberly after all...

Better

Hi Sara!

I'm going to reply to your email piece by piece...

Hi Kim,

I stumbled upon your blog about a year ago when I was fiddling around with writing my own blog, which I still haven’t started. 

START IT TODAY!!! There is no reason to wait on something like that. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to do - like going to the gym. Just show up, you'll get better at it as you go.

I love your blog and your sense of humour and in so many ways, I just feel like I'm reading something I could have potentially written myself! I'm so happy I stumbled upon your blog. And I now follow you on Facebook and Twitter too! You're the best! Keep up the awesome work :)

Aw, shucks, now I'm blushing! And by that, I mean keep going LoL

I read a few entries here and there and would giggle at your dating mishaps. I also realized how much we had in common…with dating and also with other little things such as grammar and spelling! I won’t reply to someone online if they can’t spell or form a sentence either. It drives me crazy! 

Thanks for laughing. Dating is pretty crazy and the truth is always better than fiction. Real people are frankly way more entertaining than even my vivid imagination! Find me a man who can correctly use spelling, grammar, and punctuation, and I'll show you a man who will hold my interest for more than 10 seconds.

I’m a 30 year old woman from Canada. I started online dating when I was about 28 and nothing ever came of it. A couple bad dates here and there. 

I'm in Canada?!?! That's like a whole different country! Wow, I feel kinda special.

After reading how you first met Kit, I feel like it’s the exact same thing as when I met Joe. We live 5 hours apart and after months of texting and talking, each drove 2.5 hours for our first date. I was so nervous but he gave me a great big hug and that just made it more comfortable. We drove out to the lake, spent 6 hours together and it was amazing. When we had to leave each other we couldn’t stop hugging. He kept kissing me and although we really didn’t want to go our separate ways, we had to.

I remember the moment Kit put me on the subway home (because he'd fallen asleep in my lap on the date!) I didn't want to go. I would have waited for the next subway (or the next, or the next.) I had never had such an amazing day in my whole life and I didn't want it to end. Kind of like those wonderful dreams you don't want to wake up from. I was terrified of the alarm going off on our time together. It's hard to believe the great stuff is real. 

A few days before my 30^th birthday, he decided to just end things. There was a girl in the same city as him and she was pursuing him daily. Dropping by his work, his home, bringing him snacks and treats, asking him out, making him supper. I couldn’t blame him for being wooed by her. It was easier. She was right there. I’m a 5 hour drive away. 

The thing you can take solace in here is that SHE pursued HIM. He wasn't actively looking for anyone. It sounds like he was pretty smitten with you.

I turned to your blog again and read it start to finish after things with Joe didn’t work out. I found comfort in the fact that you’d been through a similar (yet yours was a more serious) situation.

I'm flattered to pieces that you turned to my writing for comfort. After my divorce, I read Eat, Pray, Love twice. I just needed to know that I wasn't alone, that there was someone out there who understood me, the guilt I was feeling, the failure I thought for sure I'd become. Sure, Liz Gilbert traveled the world and I've only traveled the five boroughs, but inside, those feelings were exactly the same. Don't worry about how "serious" a relationship was. If your heart was broken, than it was the same.

He texted me to ask for girl advice! Seriously?!?! It was pretty much like a dagger to the heart knowing that he’s taken. Especially when he tells me things such as, “the only reason I like her is because she reminds me of you,” or, “if you lived closer, there’s no way I could be with anyone but you,” or, “if we lived closer, you would replace my girlfriend in a heartbeat.” 

Please, please forgive me, but he's being a dick for saying those things to you. He knows how you feel about him? He knows you want to be with him? He knows that he has your heart in his hands yet he chose to move away and chose to start a relationship with someone else. Then he asked you for advice about her??? Dick move. Not ok!!!

We started texting a lot again. Almost daily. First it was innocent enough. But now it’s turned into trusting each other with our deepest desires and discussing what it would be like if we could actually be together. 

I think you're torturing yourself. Wondering what it would be like IF you could be together - when you know you can't - is just mean. If either of you was planning on making that move, it would be different, it would be looking to the future. Instead, you're just playing pretend, focusing on things that will never be rather than things that could really happen for you!

For the most part, I’ve resigned to the fact that our relationship is just a friendship with sometimes inappropriate content. But, there’s still a side of me that thinks we could really have something very special if only things were different.

Right here, I know that you are a smart girl. You recognize what this relationship is (and what it isn't) and you're going through with it anyway. It makes me so sad for you because you're cutting yourself off to amazing possibilities by dwelling in a make believe world.

I have been thinking about your situation with Kit and how he acted with Erica. And although I don’t think my conversations with Joe are quite on the same level, I can’t help suddenly feeling like the Erica in my situation. I don’t want to be her. And at the start of my relationship with him, I was the Kim…not the Erica. It’s a terrible feeling actually. 

There it is again. That little voice inside your head that says Something Is Wrong Here. My guideline has always been: If something feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Trust your gut.

He says he does not feel guilty at all. I think it’s because in his mind, he views me as just a fantasy now. I wonder if that’s how Kit viewed Erica?

"A stiff dick has no conscience"

I’m not saying you should forgive him for that because honestly, if I was in your situation, I’d be PISSED if I saw conversations like that between my boyfriend and some girl. But also in my mind, as “the other woman,” I just feel like he’s the same Joe I fell for 8 months ago. He’s never really treated me differently whether he was single Joe or non-single Joe. 

Kit said he loved me, moved into my house, chose a wedding date, picked out baby names, and was chatting with Erica the entire time. Obviously, everyone who read the expose piece knows that they were discussing very intimate, very explicit things. Erica might have been a fantasy for him but I was the real thing. I am a real person, with real feelings he hurt, a real future he stole, and a real heart that he broke. I don't know who Erica thought she was to come between that, and of course, it takes two to tango and all that jazz, but she knowingly continued her messages with him despite his relationship with me. I see your point of view that he's the same guy you fell for months ago --- except that he's not. He's taken now. He has a significant other. And IT SUCKS that it's not you. IT SUCKS that you're stuck holding on to those feelings for him that you were sure he reciprocated, and you know what? He still might. He probably still feels about you the way he did six or eight months ago and I'm sure if you lived closer together, he would be with you. But he's not. He's with her. That's all you need to know.

I don’t know what side of the coin I fall on. Am I Kim or am I Erica? I want to be Kim. But I don’t think I’m strong enough to move on from him. I know for a fact I was always the Kim until 2 months ago when he started dating his girlfriend. And now, I’m suddenly the Erica. I don’t like it. I feel terrible about it. I don’t want to be that girl! 

Nobody is forcing you to be either one. You have to choose the side that's right for you. If you want to be Erica, then stay. Staying is easy. If you want to be Kim, you have to say "I don't like this situation and I am leaving it right this minute, before anyone else gets hurt." It's going to take extreme courage. You're going to have to stand up for values way deep inside you. You're going to have to rely on your friends and family to get you through it. I'm not going to lie and say it will be easy. It won't. But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are braver, tougher, smarter, and better than this. Do not let it get the best of you. 

I know I need to let him go and I know some day I will. It’s just soooo much harder than I ever anticipated. It kills me to think that I haven’t been in love, or been loved since my last boyfriend, 9 years ago. I think I’m holding onto my messed relationship with Joe because I haven’t had someone compliment me in that way in so long. I know it’s sad but sometimes, it’s just nice to be wanted.

I get that. Believe me, I get that. Let me ask you a question though: Do you want to be complimented and loved by someone who can only give you 50% of himself at best? Yes, the few scraps of attention he throws you when his girlfriend isn't looking are nice, but she's the one who gets into bed with him at night. She's the one making him breakfast in the morning. She's the one who knows how he takes his coffee. She knows how he folds his laundry and which radio stations are his favorites and whether or not he snores. She has a life with him, a life that you (sadly) are not a part of. He only wants you when it's convenient for him, not when you need it - which is 100% of the time.

I also want to be treated better. I deserve better. And so does Joe’s girlfriend.

Yes, you do. And yes, she does too.

I’m going to try my hardest to be less of an Erica and get back to being more of a Kim. I did have a date with another guy the other day. It was…okay. We have a lot in common and he’s super nice and successful. I’m not sure how I feel about him but I’ll go on a few more dates and see what happens. At least it’s a step in the right direction!

That's the first intelligent thing you've said that I truly believe. Get back out there, sister! Kissing frogs is a tough job, but there is a prince somewhere along the journey. I truly believe that. I'm not spinning crap at you that I don't fully take to heart. I'm out there too. I know how hard it is. I've gone on a lot of dates (I mean A LOT) where my feelings about the guy were kinda "meh" --- but I just keep trying. I am out there. My heart is open. My mind is (mostly) open and I'm saying yes to opportunities I never would have had otherwise. I've learned tons about myself. What I want, what I don't want, what I am willing to settle for, and what I absolutely can't live without. You will find yourself along the way but not with this situation weighing you down. Not one bit.

Thank you for continuing to write your blog. It’s so comforting to know there are other smart, intelligent, funny, nice women out there that are my age and still single. It can be great at times. But holy moly, it sure does get super lonely. I find solace in your blog. Thanks for putting yourself out there so the rest of us in the same boat don’t feel so alone!!

Sara

You (and the millions of other women like you) are the reason I write this blog. Firstly, I wanted to know that I wasn't alone. Secondly, I wanted to let my girlfriends (and their girlfriends, and their girlfriends...) know that they weren't alone either. Yes, being single is a double edged sword. It has its moments of being amazingly freeing and fun, and also its moments of loneliness. You take the good with the bad but I will share a secret with you that I've learned along the way:

You're gonna miss this. Some day, you're going to be married, maybe with a couple of kids hanging around, balancing a home and work and a family and hobbies and friends and book club and PTA and wishing on a star that you could find five minutes to sit down alone with your thoughts and a cup of coffee. You're going to sink into your couch at the end of a day, completely exhausted, remembering when you had the time to read your favorite blog, or go out dancing with your gal pals, or lounge over lunch, or shop without worrying about picking up the kiddies from soccer practice. Don't wish away your single days. They are few and precious. It might not seem like it now, but your days of eating cereal for dinner are numbered. When you are ready - and by that, I mean letting go of EVERYTHING holding you back from real love - when you are good and ready, love will rush into your life and fill your days, your mind, and your heart with more pleasure and satisfaction than you could ever dream of. Take all the happiness you *think* you have with Joe. Times that by 100. Times it by 1,000 even! That's what you'll find when you love a man who loves you back. Completely, totally, loves and adores you. A man who would stop the world for you if he could. That's what you deserve and that's what you'll find. If you are strong enough to let go of what you have and trust that BETTER is out there. 

Wishing you luck and love, always

Kimberly Spice

Eggs in a Basket

Hi Kim, 

This is Heather from facebook. I commented your blog post in the hopes that maybe you can help me out. 

I'm 26 and consider myself pretty strong and not needing a boyfriend so to speak but its coming to that time in my life when I want someone to share my life with and my love with. I was on a dating site and emailed this very cute guy. His profile says looking for new friends but as we got to talking back and forth with each other we had a lot in common. We both want to find someone for a relationship, and to be each others best friend and lover. Anyways after emailing each other Saturday night he gave me his cell told me to text when I woke up Sunday  - which I did  - and we continued to have a great conversation. He even told me how he was glad to have found an amazing girl which I think is me. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night and I don't know what could have happened. I feel like every time I meet someone nice and we start texting and talking they disappear on me. At this rate I feel like I'm never going to find love and I don't want to settle. I don't want to email or text him something dumb that could ruin a possible good thing. So confused! What do I do?

Help?

Heather

Hi Heather,

First of all, you do sound like a great girl. You are smart enough to know who you are and what you need. You're strong enough not to settle for anything less. Don't doubt your own self worth because some guy didn't write back immediately. Trust me when I say I've been through this 97 times in the past 24 months. It gets easier. 

Alright, here's the basic premise of 100 Cups of Coffee: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 

Yes, I know it's an old lady cliche, but think about it. If you were texting say...2 or 3 guys, would you have noticed if 1 dropped off the face of the Earth? Maybe. But it wouldn't be upsetting you this much. I will send out 10 to 12 first messages at a time and I'm happy if 1 or 2 write back. That's just how things go. Once those conversations get started, I definitely try to nurture them but here's advice #2: Don't be desperate. 

I am NOT saying that you as a person are desperate. You sound really sweet and sincere to me. But guys sense when someone is getting clingy. Until he's your real life boyfriend, keep things casual. Be the thing he looks forward to in a day, not the thing he feels obligated to. You want to be seen as the ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds in the middle of his work or whatever else eats up his time. He should smile when his phone lights up with your words. Same with you for him. 

I do not encourage long term texting. It's great for the first few rounds of post-email getting to know you but I say move on to phone time within a week. You can hear SO much more in a person's voice than what you can read on a screen. Many of my on screen matches had great potential until we made it to the phone stage. Several I knew right away that there was no future, not even an in person date! You have to hear his voice. Maybe not right away because let's face it - you *just* started talking on Saturday - but soon enough. 

My ideas for texting are:

A) Send no more than 2 texts at a time before getting a reply. WAIT for the reply.

B) Wait 24 hours between convo's. This gives him time to make the first move. Men feel more powerful when they initiate contact. Women feel more special when their men are thinking about them.

C) Never send a "hey, what's up?" text. Those are generic and boring. Send something specific and fun. I like "Hey ___ fill in the blank just happened ___ and it made me think of you :-)" It could be anything. Maybe a song came on the radio that you know he loves. Maybe you saw an elephant riding the train. Maybe you just ate the best sushi ever. Anything that's going to make him smile and be like, omg this girl totally gets me!

Be patient! I know it's frustrating but these things take time. You can't grow a garden overnight. You have to plant the seeds, water them, pull the weeds out, and one day those tiny plants will be huge and bearing fruit. It'll happen so slowly, right before your eyes, that you won't even notice. You deserve love, a best friend, someone to take care of you. This guy might be it, he might not. But he will be much more attracted to the beautiful, confident, busy woman you are more than the 'I don't know what happened?" voice in your head right now. Probably nothing happened. Life happened. He's busy, he's got things going on and so do you! Not everyone will disappear. The right guys know how to stick around when a fabulous female comes their way and he'd be lucky to have you. Don't lose sight of that. 

Stay strong darling. It's worth it. I promise. 

Hugs, Kimberly

Dear Kim, 

Thank you so much for writing me back! I've been reading your blogs and you have given me so much inspiration to know that someone good is out there for me and that one day my prince charming will come, as I know will yours. You're so positive even in the face of adversity and negativity and I admire you for that. You are a wonderful lady and I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. You've gained a faithful follower and reader in me! God bless and thank you so much for helping me! You rock!!!

Sincerely,
Heather