Better

Hi Sara!

I'm going to reply to your email piece by piece...

Hi Kim,

I stumbled upon your blog about a year ago when I was fiddling around with writing my own blog, which I still haven’t started. 

START IT TODAY!!! There is no reason to wait on something like that. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to do - like going to the gym. Just show up, you'll get better at it as you go.

I love your blog and your sense of humour and in so many ways, I just feel like I'm reading something I could have potentially written myself! I'm so happy I stumbled upon your blog. And I now follow you on Facebook and Twitter too! You're the best! Keep up the awesome work :)

Aw, shucks, now I'm blushing! And by that, I mean keep going LoL

I read a few entries here and there and would giggle at your dating mishaps. I also realized how much we had in common…with dating and also with other little things such as grammar and spelling! I won’t reply to someone online if they can’t spell or form a sentence either. It drives me crazy! 

Thanks for laughing. Dating is pretty crazy and the truth is always better than fiction. Real people are frankly way more entertaining than even my vivid imagination! Find me a man who can correctly use spelling, grammar, and punctuation, and I'll show you a man who will hold my interest for more than 10 seconds.

I’m a 30 year old woman from Canada. I started online dating when I was about 28 and nothing ever came of it. A couple bad dates here and there. 

I'm in Canada?!?! That's like a whole different country! Wow, I feel kinda special.

After reading how you first met Kit, I feel like it’s the exact same thing as when I met Joe. We live 5 hours apart and after months of texting and talking, each drove 2.5 hours for our first date. I was so nervous but he gave me a great big hug and that just made it more comfortable. We drove out to the lake, spent 6 hours together and it was amazing. When we had to leave each other we couldn’t stop hugging. He kept kissing me and although we really didn’t want to go our separate ways, we had to.

I remember the moment Kit put me on the subway home (because he'd fallen asleep in my lap on the date!) I didn't want to go. I would have waited for the next subway (or the next, or the next.) I had never had such an amazing day in my whole life and I didn't want it to end. Kind of like those wonderful dreams you don't want to wake up from. I was terrified of the alarm going off on our time together. It's hard to believe the great stuff is real. 

A few days before my 30^th birthday, he decided to just end things. There was a girl in the same city as him and she was pursuing him daily. Dropping by his work, his home, bringing him snacks and treats, asking him out, making him supper. I couldn’t blame him for being wooed by her. It was easier. She was right there. I’m a 5 hour drive away. 

The thing you can take solace in here is that SHE pursued HIM. He wasn't actively looking for anyone. It sounds like he was pretty smitten with you.

I turned to your blog again and read it start to finish after things with Joe didn’t work out. I found comfort in the fact that you’d been through a similar (yet yours was a more serious) situation.

I'm flattered to pieces that you turned to my writing for comfort. After my divorce, I read Eat, Pray, Love twice. I just needed to know that I wasn't alone, that there was someone out there who understood me, the guilt I was feeling, the failure I thought for sure I'd become. Sure, Liz Gilbert traveled the world and I've only traveled the five boroughs, but inside, those feelings were exactly the same. Don't worry about how "serious" a relationship was. If your heart was broken, than it was the same.

He texted me to ask for girl advice! Seriously?!?! It was pretty much like a dagger to the heart knowing that he’s taken. Especially when he tells me things such as, “the only reason I like her is because she reminds me of you,” or, “if you lived closer, there’s no way I could be with anyone but you,” or, “if we lived closer, you would replace my girlfriend in a heartbeat.” 

Please, please forgive me, but he's being a dick for saying those things to you. He knows how you feel about him? He knows you want to be with him? He knows that he has your heart in his hands yet he chose to move away and chose to start a relationship with someone else. Then he asked you for advice about her??? Dick move. Not ok!!!

We started texting a lot again. Almost daily. First it was innocent enough. But now it’s turned into trusting each other with our deepest desires and discussing what it would be like if we could actually be together. 

I think you're torturing yourself. Wondering what it would be like IF you could be together - when you know you can't - is just mean. If either of you was planning on making that move, it would be different, it would be looking to the future. Instead, you're just playing pretend, focusing on things that will never be rather than things that could really happen for you!

For the most part, I’ve resigned to the fact that our relationship is just a friendship with sometimes inappropriate content. But, there’s still a side of me that thinks we could really have something very special if only things were different.

Right here, I know that you are a smart girl. You recognize what this relationship is (and what it isn't) and you're going through with it anyway. It makes me so sad for you because you're cutting yourself off to amazing possibilities by dwelling in a make believe world.

I have been thinking about your situation with Kit and how he acted with Erica. And although I don’t think my conversations with Joe are quite on the same level, I can’t help suddenly feeling like the Erica in my situation. I don’t want to be her. And at the start of my relationship with him, I was the Kim…not the Erica. It’s a terrible feeling actually. 

There it is again. That little voice inside your head that says Something Is Wrong Here. My guideline has always been: If something feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Trust your gut.

He says he does not feel guilty at all. I think it’s because in his mind, he views me as just a fantasy now. I wonder if that’s how Kit viewed Erica?

"A stiff dick has no conscience"

I’m not saying you should forgive him for that because honestly, if I was in your situation, I’d be PISSED if I saw conversations like that between my boyfriend and some girl. But also in my mind, as “the other woman,” I just feel like he’s the same Joe I fell for 8 months ago. He’s never really treated me differently whether he was single Joe or non-single Joe. 

Kit said he loved me, moved into my house, chose a wedding date, picked out baby names, and was chatting with Erica the entire time. Obviously, everyone who read the expose piece knows that they were discussing very intimate, very explicit things. Erica might have been a fantasy for him but I was the real thing. I am a real person, with real feelings he hurt, a real future he stole, and a real heart that he broke. I don't know who Erica thought she was to come between that, and of course, it takes two to tango and all that jazz, but she knowingly continued her messages with him despite his relationship with me. I see your point of view that he's the same guy you fell for months ago --- except that he's not. He's taken now. He has a significant other. And IT SUCKS that it's not you. IT SUCKS that you're stuck holding on to those feelings for him that you were sure he reciprocated, and you know what? He still might. He probably still feels about you the way he did six or eight months ago and I'm sure if you lived closer together, he would be with you. But he's not. He's with her. That's all you need to know.

I don’t know what side of the coin I fall on. Am I Kim or am I Erica? I want to be Kim. But I don’t think I’m strong enough to move on from him. I know for a fact I was always the Kim until 2 months ago when he started dating his girlfriend. And now, I’m suddenly the Erica. I don’t like it. I feel terrible about it. I don’t want to be that girl! 

Nobody is forcing you to be either one. You have to choose the side that's right for you. If you want to be Erica, then stay. Staying is easy. If you want to be Kim, you have to say "I don't like this situation and I am leaving it right this minute, before anyone else gets hurt." It's going to take extreme courage. You're going to have to stand up for values way deep inside you. You're going to have to rely on your friends and family to get you through it. I'm not going to lie and say it will be easy. It won't. But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are braver, tougher, smarter, and better than this. Do not let it get the best of you. 

I know I need to let him go and I know some day I will. It’s just soooo much harder than I ever anticipated. It kills me to think that I haven’t been in love, or been loved since my last boyfriend, 9 years ago. I think I’m holding onto my messed relationship with Joe because I haven’t had someone compliment me in that way in so long. I know it’s sad but sometimes, it’s just nice to be wanted.

I get that. Believe me, I get that. Let me ask you a question though: Do you want to be complimented and loved by someone who can only give you 50% of himself at best? Yes, the few scraps of attention he throws you when his girlfriend isn't looking are nice, but she's the one who gets into bed with him at night. She's the one making him breakfast in the morning. She's the one who knows how he takes his coffee. She knows how he folds his laundry and which radio stations are his favorites and whether or not he snores. She has a life with him, a life that you (sadly) are not a part of. He only wants you when it's convenient for him, not when you need it - which is 100% of the time.

I also want to be treated better. I deserve better. And so does Joe’s girlfriend.

Yes, you do. And yes, she does too.

I’m going to try my hardest to be less of an Erica and get back to being more of a Kim. I did have a date with another guy the other day. It was…okay. We have a lot in common and he’s super nice and successful. I’m not sure how I feel about him but I’ll go on a few more dates and see what happens. At least it’s a step in the right direction!

That's the first intelligent thing you've said that I truly believe. Get back out there, sister! Kissing frogs is a tough job, but there is a prince somewhere along the journey. I truly believe that. I'm not spinning crap at you that I don't fully take to heart. I'm out there too. I know how hard it is. I've gone on a lot of dates (I mean A LOT) where my feelings about the guy were kinda "meh" --- but I just keep trying. I am out there. My heart is open. My mind is (mostly) open and I'm saying yes to opportunities I never would have had otherwise. I've learned tons about myself. What I want, what I don't want, what I am willing to settle for, and what I absolutely can't live without. You will find yourself along the way but not with this situation weighing you down. Not one bit.

Thank you for continuing to write your blog. It’s so comforting to know there are other smart, intelligent, funny, nice women out there that are my age and still single. It can be great at times. But holy moly, it sure does get super lonely. I find solace in your blog. Thanks for putting yourself out there so the rest of us in the same boat don’t feel so alone!!

Sara

You (and the millions of other women like you) are the reason I write this blog. Firstly, I wanted to know that I wasn't alone. Secondly, I wanted to let my girlfriends (and their girlfriends, and their girlfriends...) know that they weren't alone either. Yes, being single is a double edged sword. It has its moments of being amazingly freeing and fun, and also its moments of loneliness. You take the good with the bad but I will share a secret with you that I've learned along the way:

You're gonna miss this. Some day, you're going to be married, maybe with a couple of kids hanging around, balancing a home and work and a family and hobbies and friends and book club and PTA and wishing on a star that you could find five minutes to sit down alone with your thoughts and a cup of coffee. You're going to sink into your couch at the end of a day, completely exhausted, remembering when you had the time to read your favorite blog, or go out dancing with your gal pals, or lounge over lunch, or shop without worrying about picking up the kiddies from soccer practice. Don't wish away your single days. They are few and precious. It might not seem like it now, but your days of eating cereal for dinner are numbered. When you are ready - and by that, I mean letting go of EVERYTHING holding you back from real love - when you are good and ready, love will rush into your life and fill your days, your mind, and your heart with more pleasure and satisfaction than you could ever dream of. Take all the happiness you *think* you have with Joe. Times that by 100. Times it by 1,000 even! That's what you'll find when you love a man who loves you back. Completely, totally, loves and adores you. A man who would stop the world for you if he could. That's what you deserve and that's what you'll find. If you are strong enough to let go of what you have and trust that BETTER is out there. 

Wishing you luck and love, always

Kimberly Spice