Eggs in a Basket

Hi Kim, 

This is Heather from facebook. I commented your blog post in the hopes that maybe you can help me out. 

I'm 26 and consider myself pretty strong and not needing a boyfriend so to speak but its coming to that time in my life when I want someone to share my life with and my love with. I was on a dating site and emailed this very cute guy. His profile says looking for new friends but as we got to talking back and forth with each other we had a lot in common. We both want to find someone for a relationship, and to be each others best friend and lover. Anyways after emailing each other Saturday night he gave me his cell told me to text when I woke up Sunday  - which I did  - and we continued to have a great conversation. He even told me how he was glad to have found an amazing girl which I think is me. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night and I don't know what could have happened. I feel like every time I meet someone nice and we start texting and talking they disappear on me. At this rate I feel like I'm never going to find love and I don't want to settle. I don't want to email or text him something dumb that could ruin a possible good thing. So confused! What do I do?

Help?

Heather

Hi Heather,

First of all, you do sound like a great girl. You are smart enough to know who you are and what you need. You're strong enough not to settle for anything less. Don't doubt your own self worth because some guy didn't write back immediately. Trust me when I say I've been through this 97 times in the past 24 months. It gets easier. 

Alright, here's the basic premise of 100 Cups of Coffee: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 

Yes, I know it's an old lady cliche, but think about it. If you were texting say...2 or 3 guys, would you have noticed if 1 dropped off the face of the Earth? Maybe. But it wouldn't be upsetting you this much. I will send out 10 to 12 first messages at a time and I'm happy if 1 or 2 write back. That's just how things go. Once those conversations get started, I definitely try to nurture them but here's advice #2: Don't be desperate. 

I am NOT saying that you as a person are desperate. You sound really sweet and sincere to me. But guys sense when someone is getting clingy. Until he's your real life boyfriend, keep things casual. Be the thing he looks forward to in a day, not the thing he feels obligated to. You want to be seen as the ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds in the middle of his work or whatever else eats up his time. He should smile when his phone lights up with your words. Same with you for him. 

I do not encourage long term texting. It's great for the first few rounds of post-email getting to know you but I say move on to phone time within a week. You can hear SO much more in a person's voice than what you can read on a screen. Many of my on screen matches had great potential until we made it to the phone stage. Several I knew right away that there was no future, not even an in person date! You have to hear his voice. Maybe not right away because let's face it - you *just* started talking on Saturday - but soon enough. 

My ideas for texting are:

A) Send no more than 2 texts at a time before getting a reply. WAIT for the reply.

B) Wait 24 hours between convo's. This gives him time to make the first move. Men feel more powerful when they initiate contact. Women feel more special when their men are thinking about them.

C) Never send a "hey, what's up?" text. Those are generic and boring. Send something specific and fun. I like "Hey ___ fill in the blank just happened ___ and it made me think of you :-)" It could be anything. Maybe a song came on the radio that you know he loves. Maybe you saw an elephant riding the train. Maybe you just ate the best sushi ever. Anything that's going to make him smile and be like, omg this girl totally gets me!

Be patient! I know it's frustrating but these things take time. You can't grow a garden overnight. You have to plant the seeds, water them, pull the weeds out, and one day those tiny plants will be huge and bearing fruit. It'll happen so slowly, right before your eyes, that you won't even notice. You deserve love, a best friend, someone to take care of you. This guy might be it, he might not. But he will be much more attracted to the beautiful, confident, busy woman you are more than the 'I don't know what happened?" voice in your head right now. Probably nothing happened. Life happened. He's busy, he's got things going on and so do you! Not everyone will disappear. The right guys know how to stick around when a fabulous female comes their way and he'd be lucky to have you. Don't lose sight of that. 

Stay strong darling. It's worth it. I promise. 

Hugs, Kimberly

Dear Kim, 

Thank you so much for writing me back! I've been reading your blogs and you have given me so much inspiration to know that someone good is out there for me and that one day my prince charming will come, as I know will yours. You're so positive even in the face of adversity and negativity and I admire you for that. You are a wonderful lady and I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. You've gained a faithful follower and reader in me! God bless and thank you so much for helping me! You rock!!!

Sincerely,
Heather