My Space

Kim,

I just finished reading your latest blog "You and Tequila Make Me Crazy".  I can relate to it so much!  I am a 43 year old divorced woman with two children.  About six years ago I began dating a guy younger than me, never been married, no children....it scared me to death.  We dated for six months and it was fantastic!  It ended the way I had feared, he met someone his own age. It not only broke my heart but it broke my children's hearts as well.  He & I still had feelings for each other, and we ended up having sex on two different occasions. We tried to remain friends but I now know that being friends is just not possible. The relationship has to move forward or end, there is no going back to the beginning. 

He eventually married his new girlfriend and my heart was freshly broken.  I really truly believed that he would pick me. Two years after they got married, he contacted me via MySpace. I waited a week before accepting the friend request.  I remember going through the album of their wedding pictures and feeling the pain all over again. 

We started talking and it was all your basic everyday stuff until this past New Year's Eve.  This was my first NYE alone since I have been divorced, so I was feeling a little lonely.  He sent me a text just to say hi and hoped I had a good night.  It turned into a texting session about the past and all the good times we had together.  He started telling me that he and his wife were having troubles, that he missed me and he loved me.

I really don't know what to do.  I don't want to lose the friendship but I can't go through being the other woman.

Amy

Amy, 

First of all, THANK YOU for writing to me. It helps me knowing that there is another woman out there in the same situation I am in, as I'm sure my blog has helped you. 

I'm sorry for what you're going through with this guy. Believe me when I say I completely understand the feeling. Caring about someone is never easy, especially once they've moved on. (Doubly so if you haven't!)

For me, knowing that Roger was taken was all I needed to know. He has had a girlfriend for two years and that was enough for me to back away. That being said, he did date me *first*  --- as though that gives me any sort of leverage! Also, he's not happy with her and they're doing things long distance. She would never need to know I even exist. She wouldn't have to know anything about me. Our late night phone calls. His sexy text messages. How he thinks he'd be SO much happier with me than with her...blah blah blah. 

I'm certain you're hearing something similar from your man. His wife is nothing like you, he misses you, he loves you, etc etc. Here's the cold hard truth (as I've had to remind myself many many times) - If he wanted me, he would be with me. He's with her. The choice is made. 

Until he chooses you, totally and completely, he's not worth wasting your time or energy on. You deserve 100% of someone. Nothing less. 

As my very dear friend put it, any man who makes you cry isn't worth ruining your mascara over in the first place. 

I don't think that age has anything to do with love. It's an easy scapegoat in your situation but please don't think that he wanted to be with another woman just because she was younger. Plenty of people stay with someone despite a large age gap. You can't help who you fall in love with. You can help who you stay in a relationship with. It's called a break up because it's broken and you are absolutely right - the relationship has to move forward or end, there is no going back to the beginning.

You need to consider what his "friendship" is worth to you and what having him in your life again really means. What pleasure does it bring versus the stress it causes? What happiness do you enjoy together versus the angst you feel about being "the other woman"? Finally, if you were her on the outside of this relationship looking in, would you think it was cheating? I can't bring myself to do anything I wouldn't want done to me. Been there, done that and it's awful. Besides, as one reader pointed out: you lose them the way you got them. If you did win him back this way, you could just as easily lose him to someone else in the same manner. 

Stop allowing him to hold you hostage. Pay attention to yourself. Be affectionate with your friends, family and children. Love the people around you and lean on them for support, entertainment, and the confidence boost you need to get back out into the world and feel good about yourself. Treat yourself to that extra special little something you need to make it through the tough times, especially when you're at your weakest. It will be hard, but it will get easier every day. You never know who else is out there, waiting to hold on to you, until you let go of the safe and comfortable. You. Can. Do. This.

Keep me posted <3

~Kimberly