Married, Gay or Dead

There is a hilarious book from The Sweet Potato Queens entitled Every Man I've Ever Loved is Married, Gay, or Dead.

It's a financial planner with recipes, but that's not the point.

The point is that I cannot, for the life of me, find a straight, single guy to date!

Not. One. Guy.

I posted on my personal facebook page, my 100 Cups of Coffee facebook page, and twitter, as well as sending a text message to twenty of my friends that I want to ask a guy out tomorrow. In keeping with Irish tradition, a woman may "propose" to a man on Leap Day (February 29th) which occurs only once every four years.

For more information, just watch the movie Leap Year. It stars Amy Adams who is cute as a button so you'd want to watch it anyway. Oh, plus the super adorable guy she falls in love with is pretty easy on the eyes... Just saying.

Sorry, where was I?

Oh, right. Leap Years! According to English, Scottish, and Irish lore, a woman may propose to the man of her choice only during a leap year. If he refuses her hand, he owes her a payment of one hundred pounds (roughly $158 today). If he cannot afford the hundred pounds, he may grant her a silk gown and a kiss.

I don't know about you ladies, but I'm in dire need of some extra cash, or at the very least, a new dress. Not that I'd mind the kissing either!!!

That being said, I'm certainly in no rush to propose marriage to a man (hell, I don't even have a date this weekend!) but I would like to propose coffee. Dinner, maybe? Perhaps flying kites in the park or messy ice cream sundaes or mildly satisfying phone sex --- SOMETHING! I don't really care what at this point. All I know is that I need to get my head back in the game and I want a real person to play it with.

I figured that if I had a personal recommendation from a friend, the quality of male candidates would be higher. Frankly, I can't get much lower than the guys I've met online this year. Picks his nose? Check. Mommy complex? Check. Never left Brooklyn? Check. Cracked open his Darth Vader piggy bank to pay for our date? Checkmate.

Seriously, where are the single, straight, smart, successful, funny, cute, tall guys in their thirties with good educations, great families, and a desire to settle down???

Married.

Gay.

Or Dead.

Alright, alright, I hope they're not dead. But it seems to me upon closer inspection that all the good guys, the guys actually worth having, are already taken. This boggles my mind. I know plenty of amazing single women in their thirties. Ladies with careers and apartments and cars and friends and hobbies and they are interesting and witty and most of them are incredibly beautiful. These girls are a dime a dozen. I know because I'm one of them. Yet find a man with a job??? A man with his own place??? A man who meets the bare minimum of qualities we're looking for and we fawn over him like he's some great catch!

Wow, he paid for the movie tickets? Swoon! He held the door open? Swoon! He walked you to your car? Swoon!

Where the hell is romance in all of this? Why aren't we being the ones who are courted anymore? I got an email from a guy online the other day that read: "Do u shave?"

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???

Here's what's wrong with the world today: This Leap Year tradition is supposed to empower women to take charge one day every four years. Sadly, we've taken charge every day for the last forty years because men aren't men anymore. They're cowardly. They're chicken shit. They realized that we now outnumber them so they don't have to put the work in anymore. They make no real effort to court us! There is no wooing.

Whatever happened to wooing?

I said to my mother earlier, "Why can't I just find a nice, normal guy who enjoys cooking and snuggling and being romantic and taking road trips and dresses nicely and has great manners and is generous in bed and takes me out dancing every once in a while?"

My mother replied, "Because those men already have boyfriends."

I fear she might be right. All those ladies I asked? They can't think of a single, straight guy to send my way. But if I'm ever in need of a gay boyfriend, they can definitely hook me up!

Single, straight men of the world, I implore you to come out of hiding. Valentine's Day is over, there are no more major gift giving holidays for at least ten months! You can date freely and without cause for concern about your precious wallets. Women today aren't asking for much. Maybe you take us out to dinner every so often. Maybe you let us meet your mothers. Maybe you share control of the remote every other evening. Maybe you just say YES when one of us fantastic ladies asks you on a date every four years. Because if you don't, please know that I am always in need of a new dress and a kiss.