You might have noticed from my Facebook and Twitter pages that lately I’ve been asking an awful lot of questions pertaining to dating and relationships. They are by no means random. Every one of them was spurred from a man that I met or a dating conundrum I was in. As this project passes its second year of existence (thus taking over my personal life completely) I’ve been forced to re-examine many of my outlooks on life, love, and relationships. I have said from the start that I began 100 Cups of Coffee to learn about myself - what I want, what I don’t want, what I’m willing to settle for and what I can’t live without. I can safely say that I now know myself better than I ever did before because I’ve taken the time to ask these questions and really, truly reflect on the answers. I have not glazed over any passing thoughts. Rather, I’ve given them the respect they deserve with honest contemplation. I have taken no experience for granted, but appreciated each one, however insane they may appear at the time. Every date, every man, every question leads to a lesson learned.
But today is not about the questions I’ve asked. It’s about the answers YOU want to know. For 24 hours, I allowed readers to take over my blog, asking me anything and everything...no holds barred. Here are some of my favorites:
Kelly: Why so many questions?????
If two heads are better than one, than 3,200 are much better! I’m not ashamed to admit when I don’t know what to do. Life is a learning curve. How better to equip oneself than getting the opinions of 13 or 29 or 55 other women who are in my shoes, have already been where I am, or who may follow in my footsteps and need some guidance along the way!
Janice: How old are you?
I will be celebrating the first anniversary of my thirtieth birthday in one short month! Seems like only yesterday I was turning thirty but I have to say, this has been a very eventful year, full of twists and turns I could never have predicted. I am very much looking forward to whatever 31 has to offer!
Looks-wise, not particularly. I don’t care what color hair or eyes he has. I don’t even care if he has any! (Ummm, hair. Not eyes. I think a man with no hair can be sexy. A man with no eyes would be freaking weird!)
I will tell you that I’m 5’9 so I “prefer” a man who is taller than me. There is something so reassuring about a man wrapping his strong arms around you and feeling safe and small inside of them. Plus, short guys are harder to dance with.
I think that the thing that catches my eye most is his personality. Do we click right away? Is there instant chemistry? An undeniable attraction? A deeper connection? If so, any man can be sexy. I don’t judge.
Unless Matt Bomer is available. He is SO my type!!!
Celina: Have you ever had sex on a first date?
Definitely not, but I like that you went right in for the scandalous! Of the 97 Cups so far, I’ve only kissed five and slept with one (being Kit). I know this makes me sound like a prude but believe me, I am a girl that loves to kiss! I think that both kisses and sex should be reserved for someone special though so I tend to hold that back until I’m sure he’s worth it. If you’ve read this blog at all, you know that most of them are not!
Krista: Have you ever been forced to pay the bill because he refused?
There was one guy waaaay back in the beginning of this blog that I met for an afternoon date. I brought a gorgeous picnic basket filled with goodies from the Italian market. Bread, olive oil for dipping, hard cheeses, nuts, salami, marinated olives, pastries, and sparkling lemonade. It was delectable. That was my contribution. His portion of the date was taking us for mini golf which was $7. We finished our lunch, walked over to the golf course and he pulled out his wallet. He said “I only have a ten so I can pay for me and half of you.” HALF OF ME??? What the fuck is that? Which half did you want to pay for asshole? The top half of me that will be swinging the club at you or the bottom half of me that can’t wait to run away?
Bridget: Have you ever gotten up and left right in the middle of a date just because it was that awful?
I have been on some truly awful dates. Dates that other people would have run away screaming from long before I did. I held out whenever possible mostly for the sake of the blog. When things got really bad, I just kept saying to myself “Writing material, writing material, writing material...” and I could stick it out. The only time I took my mother up on her offer of a rescue call was the guy who had:
- smelled my hair when we met
- a receding hairline
- bifocal glasses
- four layers of clothing on
- nothing to talk about besides work
- had only moved out of his parents house at the age of 33
- never left his own town and had no clue where I lived which was only ten minutes away
- thought that cooking a hamburger on his own made us “food compatible” and my personal favorite
- wrote a cheat sheet on his hand so he would remember all the things he wanted to talk to me about.
Hi Mom. Rescue call please???
For the whole date, read here: Cheat Sheet
Courtney: Can you have passion and get along with someone on other levels?
Ab-so-freakin-lutely!!! Actually, it would scare me more if you didn’t have all the things you wanted in one person. Do you have to compromise in relationships? Yes. You do. You have to compromise watching Dancing With the Stars and the Hockey play-offs. That means DVR’ing one show and watching the other live. It does NOT mean compromising who you are and what you want out of a partner. You should be intellectually, spiritually, AND physically compatible with your boyfriend / girlfriend. If any of these things are missing (and none is more important that either of the others) the relationship will not work. There should be a balance. Balance is one of my keywords!
This is not to say you can’t have great sex with someone you have mediocre conversations with. You can. It’s also not to say that you can’t have great conversations with someone you have very little interested in sleeping with. Again, it’s possible. But imagine how fantastic it would be to find a man you can talk to, laugh with, and who gives you the most incredible orgasms of your life. That’s the perfect combination to me.
This man --- and he does exist --- should be a great friend, someone who intrigues you, someone who gets your jokes, someone you can learn from, someone who makes you want to be a better person, someone who can be trusted, and someone who makes your knees weak with every kiss.
Charlene: Where is the weirdest place you got asked to go?
In the past week I got asked to go out on two first dates. One to (wait for it)... Walmart ... and another to a funeral in another state!
Ps: I didn't go...all I could do was shake my head and walk away!
I attended a date’s friend’s baby’s Christening on a first date. His entire family was there and he didn’t want to be the single guy at yet another party so he asked me to come along. We had a very nice time and I definitely thought there was something more there but I got sick at the end of the night (new medication mixed with too much Chardonnay and not enough lunch) and we haven’t spoken since. I called him the next day to apologize for not feeling well and say what a nice time I was having before then but despite his chivalry and incredibly gracious nature in taking me home from the event, he didn’t ask for a second date. That sucked.
Kimberly: Quick questions - 1. How do you read "your story"??? I've seen you mention Kit and get the general idea of what happened, but do you have it written somewhere on your blog or here? I would love to read it and be able to share it with my single friends.
If you want to read about Kit & I dating, go to May through August 2011. If you want to read about us breaking up, pretty much anything in September / October sums up that experience. There are A LOT of missing pieces. I was so busy being in love that I barely blogged over the summer but the Cliff’s Notes version can be found on my Facebook page from that time period (if TimeLine lets you scroll back til then?!) I also didn’t blog about the break-up nearly as much as I could have because I was hurting and healing, but it will most likely turn into a book of some sort after this project is over. I’m really glad you and your friends can relate to everything I went through. You are just the sort of ladies I’m writing for!
The first Kit entry is here: Say Cheese
2. When you've gone through something like that, do you suggest some sort of counseling or just getting "back in the saddle" as soon as possible?
In answer to your other question, I definitely suggest taking some time to heal your heart. I wrote a blog fairly recently that I dedicated to four of my girlfriends who were going through bad break ups around the same time I was. There is not necessarily a universal twelve step program for getting over a relationship but you must must must take the time to mourn. A break up is like a death. There are stages of grieving and you’ve got to allow yourself to go through all of them. In my honest opinion, if you try jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, you’re only going to get burned.
My answers to recovering from a bad break up: This One's For the Girls
Bambi: So have you figured out why men cheat and lie?
Men cheat because they can. They lie so they don’t get caught.