Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What Can Brown Do For You?

I am considering renaming this project "He Seems Normal" because every time someone asks me about the next guy I'm going out with, the only thought I can seem to muster is: He Seems Normal. Well, just to be clear, they're not normal. Any of them. Men are very odd creatures. Freakin weirdos! Here's the scoop...

We send the standard dozen "getting to know you messages" through the website as per usual. He eventually sends me his phone number and we text for a couple of days. Then, in a serious deviation from my usual form, I agree to meet up without speaking to him on the phone first. This right here people? This is why these rules exist. Skip a step and you will sorely regret it!

He only works two towns away from where I live and I happen to know a restaurant there with a great bar setting as well as dessert and drinks selection. We decide that it'd be fun to do things in reverse by having cake and coffee before dinner instead of after it. Hey, I've clearly already thrown caution to the wind! He gets there with enough time before me to have finished off half of his dark, syrupy (and no doubt, alcoholic) beverage. We make small talk about the weather for a few minutes while the bartender brings over menus and we pick out what to order. Oreo cheesecake for me. Pecan pie for him.

I tease him about positioning himself at the bar between two big screen tv's, each playing a different sport. He laughs it off and says he only really watches one sport and that's racing. Not like NASCAR though. He likes tracks where they turn left and right, not just go in circles. I'm sorry, does the bi-directional turning make it less redneck somehow? I think not.

I ask how his day at work was and fish for details about what he actually does for a living. I realize that until this point, he's been vague about what his job fully entails. "I work at nerd conventions." What the hell does that mean??? "You know, geeks, nerds, dorks, dweebs. They need a place to congregate. Talk about comic books or Star Wars or the latest technology. There are huge conferences all over the country for these nerds, they're big events. I operate the cameras that broadcast whoever is on stage onto the big screen. Not like the television screen, just the big screen at the actual convention. Like at concerts but less cool. Although sometimes there are concerts there too. Nerd concerts."

*I will give you a moment to catch your breath from laughing. PS: If there are any nerds reading this, you have my sincerest apologies.*

Wow, ok so that sounds interesting (not.) What's your favorite part of your job?

"I get to travel for work."

Cool, where do you get to go?

"Boston, Philly, DC. Sometimes even New Jersey. I really get to see a lot of places."

Wait, suddenly New Jersey, the armpit of America, is considered traveling for work? Not exactly seeing the world but I guess when all you get to look at all day is guys who didn't get laid in high school (and let's face it, probably aren't getting laid now either), perhaps even Dirty Jerz sounds promising?

Fortunately, our desserts arrive and I can focus on delicious Oreo Cheesecake instead of my dorky date for a few moments. He tells me that it's a good thing he found something on the menu he eats cause he can be picky sometimes. I say that the food here is really good, especially their French Onion Soup. It's made with 6 different types of onions and several cheeses plus the bread is the perfect blend of soft and crunchy. "Oh, yeah I like French Onion Soup. I can eat that. It's brown."

I'm sorry, what???

"Right, like I ordered the pecan pie cause it's brown so it fits into my diet. That's what I eat."

Ok, please explain. (This is too good to pass up.)

"Well, see I grew up eating whatever my mom made and she was on Weight Watchers when I was a kid so everything we ate was brown. Steak. Potatoes. Spinach. All brown stuff."

Is anyone else wondering how they got spinach to be brown? Cause I don't think I wanna know.

"I mean, I eat other stuff too. Since I'm single I don't really like to cook just for myself right, so I eat a lot of tuna. Like three to four cans a week."

I tell him that he should be careful with tuna as my cousin got mercury poisoning and lost all of his hair that way.

"Oh no, well I don't eat real tuna. I eat albatross."

...Think about it...

In my best ditzy girl voice: "Um, so like, I thought albatross was like a bird or something. Like endangered cause there's not many left."

"No, albatross is a kind of tuna. But don't worry, it's really low in mercury and dolphin free. I eat albatross all the time. It's pretty tasty."

Again, ditzy girl voice: "Oh, so like I thought albacore was tuna."

"Aw, sweetie, no. Albacore is a country in the Middle East. I think we're at war with them now. That's probably where you heard the word. It's ok. I know this stuff is confusing. But trust me. I'm a nerd."

It is at this point that I have to down about half my drink because if I don't stuff my face with something, I will laugh so hard at him that I might never stop. Not only was he ridiculously wrong, but he felt sorry for me that I'm so stupid. Will someone please call Samuel Taylor Coleridge and insist that he revise The Rime of the Ancient Mariner? Also get Baudelaire on the phone. It's embarrassing that these men have etched into history such mistaken representation that the albatross is a bird. Preposterous! It is clearly delicious sandwich food and those environmentalists should just back off!

Begging the dating gods to help me turn this conversation around on the road back to normal, I ask if there are any non-fishy foods he enjoys. He says that peanut butter is a staple in his pantry. I tell him I love peanut butter and jelly (what six year old doesn't?) He says "No, just peanut butter." I ask about peanut butter with marshmallow fluff. "Nope, just peanut butter." I ask about peanut butter and Nutella. He doesn't know what Nutella is. I explain the infinite level of deliciousness that the Italians created by combining chocolate with hazelnut into a creamy spread. He replies "Oh, I think I've seen that in the store. That's brown right?"

Check please.

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010

Ciao Bella

I'm branching out. My life shall no longer be contained to Plenty of Fish and OkCupid. I have a new dating tool in my box and I know how to use it. (Well, I think I know how to use it.) My very good friend introduced me to How About We... a dating site which matches people up based on what their idea of a good time is! Now you don't have to read through hundreds of profiles trying to find the right person to go out with. You just have to choose which date you wanna go on!

This sounds like a brilliant plan and we live in the perfect city for it. There is so much to do and see in New York, why on Earth would you go it alone when there's a whole website dedicated to finding you a cute partner for that romantic walk across the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset?!?! I mean, you don't have to people watch alone in the park anymore, or take trapeze swinging lessons alone anymore, or taste test every dumpling in Chinatown alone anymore. This idea is a gold mine!

So here's what I proposed so far:

How About We...
act like kids in a candy store at Economy Candy?
How About We...
splash through the water at the Central Park playground?
How About We...
go to the Green Market in Union Square and make a picnic out of all the fresh foods we buy there?
How About We...
walk across the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset and treat ourselves to Jacques Torres truffles on the other side?
How About We...
get to know each other while waiting in line to split a pie of Grimaldi's famous pizza?
How About We...
laugh ourselves silly with a free improv show at the PIT?
How About We...
act like animals at the Central Park Zoo?
How About We...
visit a 25 foot waterfall right in the heart of Midtown?
How About We...
go indoor rock climbing at Chelsea Piers?
How About We...
get dressed up and sip champagne at the Polo Classic?
How About We...
try everything on the cheese cart at Picholine?
How About We...
go on a scavenger hunt at the Met?

As you can see, dear readers, there are a million things to do in Manhattan and I have barely struck the tip of the proverbial iceberg. (I could sure use your help thinking up new dates, btw!!!) What amazed me was this: I got a response to almost every single one of these ideas! I couldn't believe it. I was over the moon ecstatic about the thought of finally getting to do so many fun things with guys I'd be lucky to hit it off with. Time to check the mailbox!

Message #1:

Ciao Bella! You probably hear this a lot but i did like to say you look amazing. im a well traveled Archeologist,own my business and doing pretty well. My root is Italiano but live here now for 3yrs. I still visit Italy twice in a year .... I seek a long term relationship. Write me back if anything about me strikes you...

Ooh, that sounds promising. Ok, Message #2:

Ciao Bella! You probably hear this a lot but i did like to say you look amazing. im a well traveled Archeologist,own my business and doing pretty well. My root is Italiano but live here now for 3yrs. I still visit Italy twice in a year .... I seek a long term relationship. Write me back if anything about me strikes you...

What the hell??? Hmmm, Message #3:

Ciao Bella! You probably hear this a lot but i did like to say you look amazing. im a well traveled Archeologist,own my business and doing pretty well. My root is Italiano but live here now for 3yrs. I still visit Italy twice in a year .... I seek a long term relationship. Write me back if anything about me strikes you...

Dude, this guy wrote back to every single date I posted. And he didn't even change the greeting! I mean, look at who is proposing the date at least. If you see the same user name over and over and over, chances are she's gonna figure out that you're not exactly being original and sincere when you're copying & pasting the same faux accent crap into your emails :-(

Highly disappointed in How About We... or at least in ItalianSoul2003...

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010

Friday, August 20, 2010

Ok Drink

As promised, here is the breakdown from my adventure in the city at the OkCupid meet-up. The staff sent out an invitation to all users in the NY Metro area that they would be at a bar in SoHo on Wednesday evening. I know what you're thinking: Who goes out at 8 o'clock on a Wednesday night? Several hundred people apparently! The place was packed. Absolutely wall-to-wall with singles clamoring over each other to meet their soul mate over beers and small talk.

Let's back track a moment, shall we? Isn't the reason that we all signed up for internet dating pretty much because we weren't meeting people at the bar?!?! I mean, how many times have you read the phrase "I'm over the bar and club scene, you don't meet any quality people out there anyway." Honestly, the whole point of going online is that I can see your picture, read a little bit about you, decide if I want to get to know you better and THEN we meet up in person. Meeting in person (while you can sense an immediate chemistry...or not) does save time by skipping the part where you have to do lots of legwork (reading and replying) and it does cut out the middle man in a sense. It also breaks down the protective barrier between me and the millions (ok, thousands... maybe hundreds) of potential suitors out there.

Point being, this event had its pro's and con's and I wasn't sure whether or not I was really looking forward to it. To some extent, I enjoy the privacy and comfort of hiding behind my computer while looking at guys online. There is a level of security I retain while responding to people in my pajamas. If I send a message to a guy and he doesn't reply back, I can look at 15 other profiles and know that someone else will write to me soon. If I'm at a bar and I smile at a cute guy and he doesn't respond with a smile or start a conversation, I feel rejected. My entire world collapses around me. It's like junior high all over again!

*Note, I was actually pretty cute in junior high despite the triangle bangs and flower print dresses. My first boyfriend kissed me in the stairwell between English class and lunch. It was only on the cheek but hey, I was 12! I knew then that I was in love. I scribbled my first name with his last name on every scrap of paper I could get my hands on. I circled our initials in hearts with arrows through them. Alas, we broke up 3 days later via note in the cafeteria (which was passed to me by him through at least 4 other people) but that was my first taste of love. He now reads this blog!!!*

As I was saying, it's comfortable in the protective bubble of online dating. You don't have to wear make up or blow out your hair until the meeting part occurs. You can take your time getting to know someone over a period of a few days, weeks or even months before seeing them in person. You can discuss details of your lives without actually having to intertwine them in any way. And you decide who you meet, when and where it will happen, knowing that there won't be some cuter / taller / skinner / nicer / smarter girl also vying for his attention and flirting with him from across the bar, making eyes over her fruity pink cocktail!

Just to be clear, I AM a tall, cute, nice, smart, fit woman which means that I should not be threatened by these other girls. But I can't help it. A hot guy walks into the room and I feel like he's gonna be attracted to the Amazonian ditz wearing Prada instead of educated, sweet, wonderful me. Online, I'm only dealing with myself. Out there, it's a fight to the death and these bitches were prepared to throw down! Which is of course how I wound up talking to the web designers and law students and not the muscle-y tattooed guy with the too tight t shirt.

Of course, I couldn't just show up at this crazy shindig alone. I knew that I needed reinforcements, thus I talked my fashionable, successful, amazing girlfriend into coming with me. She's bright, cheerful and doesn't take shit from anyone. We also want completely different things in a guy so I knew she'd be there as moral support, and not to steal a man out from under me should I tell her I think he's gorgeous. Nope, she's the one you want by your side, saying awesome things about you, then excusing herself politely while you're left there chatting away with a man you hardly know. As soon as we walked in, she stated that it was pretty much like a frat party that had aged ten years. While there were no Solo cups or beer pong in sight, I knew she was onto something. Girls huddled in corners, whispering to their friends. Guys scoping out the place, pretending to look for someone they lost while actually checking for hotties to talk to. Everyone dressed in their best casually sexy outfits. Looking nice but not like they tried too hard. Nobody wants you to think they made an effort.

I "effortlessly" threw on a white t-shirt (very casual) with a super short black and white striped skirt (very sexy), paired it with flip flops and a ponytail (very casual) and lots of makeup (very sexy). It was undeniably risque for me, way out of my comfort zone. I am not someone who owns a glittery dress or killer heels for going out at night. I have never teased my hair and only wore false eyelashes two Halloween's ago when I dressed up as Minnie Mouse (true story). There are women who take ownership of looking slutty on a Saturday night. I looked approachable on a Wednesday and that's the best it's gonna get!

After my girlfriend and I pre-gamed with peach Bellini's at a bar around the corner, we sidled up to the event an hour after the official start time. Her plan was that this would give the guys more time to show up, get bored with whoever was already there, thus making us more desirable. The staff was handing out buttons up front which I happily put on (dork that I am) and she slid hers into her bag (she's way cooler than me...I have a lot to learn.) We made our first set of rounds and didn't find anyone super appealing inside so we headed out back towards the tree-lined, fairy-lit terrace. It was hopping.

I spotted two guys and a girl with their iPhones out, each on their OkCupid app. This struck me as seriously odd because why would you need to look people up when you have 300 users live right in front of you??? Still, I used it as a conversation starter and asked if they found the app worked because I couldn't seem to get mine going. It kept telling me that I had the wrong user name and password even though they work fine on the site. This little nugget got us into a 20 minute discussion with the guys where I wound up talking to the taller one and my girlfriend wound up talking to the shorter one. They were both really nice and funny. Eventually they went to the bar for Round Two and I left her outside talking to some tall, cute boy with a button down, sunglasses and a messenger bag. She wasn't drinking any more than her one vodka tonic but I decided that any more flirting required another Sex on the Beach for me.

I maneuvered my way into a spot at the bar when a really tall guy with glasses approached behind me. I moved a bar stool out of the way to make room for him. We joked about how territorial people are of their positions at the bar and how we were prepared to throw elbows if anyone tried taking our space. He was a funny web designer who moved to New York to be with a girlfriend. The job had worked out well...the girlfriend, not so much. He was living in Brooklyn now and tried to convince me that Williamsburg was the only area of the city worth living in. I have this theory that ALL Brooklyn and Queens people are essentially the same when it comes to ethnocentrism. They believe that the universe turns around Park Slope / Sunnyside / Astoria and will look at you sideways if you prefer a different neighborhood to theirs.

For those of you who do not live in New York City and / or understand those references, consider yourselves lucky!

Funky web designer and I spent about 20 minutes getting to know each other, laughing, joking, pointing out other couples who came together and drifted apart within moments right before our eyes. It was like watching cells merge and split in a petrie dish. People mingled and we observed it all, while inserting tidbits of personal information into the conversation. I decided that he was worth getting to know better in the sort of environment that didn't require yelling over the music. We exchanged phone numbers and I excused myself to socialize further with the promise that I'd call him tomorrow to set up a time for us to meet. On my walk through the bar, a couple approached me and the man asked if I would come home with him and his girlfriend. Um, no, sorry. Next!

My friend finally had to leave as she was exhausted which left me alone in the dark, loud bar surrounded by hundreds of people I did not know. This moment was part terrifying, part exhilarating. I managed to find the shorter of the two guys we'd spoken to outside an hour earlier and I asked him where his friend was. He told me that tall guy had to leave. He asked where my friend was. She also had to leave. He smiled slyly at me and said "I'll trade you his number for hers." Well, that sounds like a deal to me! He also told me about another friend of his who I might get along with. He asked if I was Christian to which I replied "Yes, I'm Lutheran." Well that meant nothing to him cause he's Jewish but he has this friend "Matthew Smith, isn't that a gentile name if you've ever heard one? And Matthew Smith LOVES Jesus! I think you two would really hit it off!"

Now isn't that just the sort of advertisement you want your friends giving out?!?! Apparently he was also a lawyer, went to Georgetown, got his Master's at NYU and worked for a very prestigious firm in the city. Well, I was just in DC for the weekend (eating), am also going for a Master's (as a teacher) and could not name a prestigious firm if my life depended on it. Oh, and he's 24. Yup, this is gonna work out perfectly.

I decided that I had probably done enough research for one night and it was time to take my tired, 29 year old, short skirt covered ass home to bed. On the plus side, I was able to stop at Rice to Riches on my way to the train and got a container of Almond Rice Pudding for the ride. So you don't have to worry about me. I wasn't lonely at all. I had pudding. And seriously. Who doesn't love pudding???

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

So Many

So many of you have asked me where I'm meeting these charming men and I have answered honestly since Day One: Online. Now, not all of them have been online daters (far fewer have actually been charmers) but for the most part, that's the pool I'm catching them from. There are so many choices when it comes to online dating though, how is a girl to choose? Well there are a few rules to consider.

A) It's who you know...

--- I want you to know that I paid for eHarmony for over a year (which started as a Christmas gift from my mother --- thanks Mom!!!) and the only person I got off of that site was "date rape" guy. Please see previous entry for details. This is not to say that it's a bad site. I was at a wedding merely two weeks ago where the couple met on eHarmony and are now back from their honeymoon, happily enjoying their new home. From what I understand, he had been dating girls from there for several months. He was the first guy she met. Lucky bitch! (Just kidding, love you!) I did not have the same fortunate experience as they did so I have since moved on.

---Another beautiful girlfriend of mine got married last month to a man she met on Yahoo personals. To be clear, she did not actually sign up for the site. Her mother signed her up because she thought her daughter needed a boyfriend. The mom wrote back to many guys before thinking that she'd found the one. That's when she broke the news to my friend but only because she was sure that this guy was worth getting to know better. They moved in together after 10 months, adopted a puppy and are living the fairy tale ending we all dream of since girlhood. Again, lucky bitch! (Love you to pieces, you're my hero!)

***Note to the reader: Yahoo personals is now Match.com in case you're looking***

---My cousin (the lawyer) is incredibly smart, stubborn and picky (in a good way.) She met her husband on JPeople. This is like JDate except cheaper so you know it's for certain kinds of Jewish guys only. They are both very successful in their careers and stand by each other through ups and downs like you would not believe. Their bond is so strong that I cannot help but admire them for their conviction and outright love for each other. She wouldn't mind at all if I called her a lucky bitch, cause I think she knows she is one!!!

B) If it's free, it's for me...

---PlentyOfFish is a great site if you have all the time in the world on your hands and don't mind scouring through thousands of profiles to find someone worthy of so much as a hello. I have scored a few good finds here although for the most part, they've been throw backs. Just about every guy who uses phrases like "hit me up," "where my ladiez at?" and "chillin wit my homeboyz" has come from POF. A plethora of shirtless photos have been uploaded to this site (not that I'm complaining, mind you.) Again, it's not all bad. I have a girlfriend with the most stunning features you've ever seen on a woman. She is the definition of a dark haired beauty. We walk into a bar or a club and you can just see men's eyes turn to her. She's smart, funny, confident and could not find a man she was truly happy to stay with. She met her latest beau on plentyoffish and he's fantastic. Such a sweet, wonderful guy who makes her smile and treats her like a princess. They're looking at apartments together right now and I am keeping my fingers crossed for her. She would actually call herself a lucky bitch at this point!

---OkCupid. Ah, my longtime love affair. I have nothing bad to say about you except that I wish you'd stop "matching" me with my ex'es! I mean, I guess the science behind the romance knows just who I'd go for so they must be on to something but honestly, the next time an ex winds up in my inbox, I might have to scream! It's nerve-racking enough knowing that your ex'es are out there dating but please don't rub it in my face. (Like you could stop yourself from looking at a profile either...) Now, okc was recommended to me by a very dear friend of mine and although she hasn't found anyone for herself on the site, it has been the most fruitful for me. There seems to be a different caliber of men on here, a different class of non-loser that makes me hopeful and optimistic for the future of dating. Most guys at least appear normal in their profiles and have optimally clothed pictures. They list hobbies and employment and whether they like cats or dogs. They tell you about their interests and travel and education and what movies / tv shows / music they enjoy. Most of the time, they're funny, witty and use spelling & grammar properly. Which is why when the invitation came to have drinks in the city with other NY area OkCupid users and the staff, I knew I was headed into Manhattan for a good time...

C) The other guys...

---Because I know you're morbidly curious, the other sites that I'm registered on are match, chemistry, yahoo, eHarmony, okcupid, plentyoffish, spark, jpeople, christianmingle, wealthymen, sugardaddie, alikewise (for bookworms) and howaboutwe. If you have a dating website that I'm not listed under, please contact me and I'll sign up right away! Gotta cast that net wide...

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Nice 2 meet u! Im MATTHEW, from woodbridge,nj. Im single, no kids. I enjoy goin 2 clubs, a big sports fan,
and just chillin with my friends.
Im 6'4 195lbs. brown hair, athletic built. !!!!!!BIG in da PANTS!!!!!!!
Got more pics if u want 2 c?
What do i wanna do? What ever my QUEEN wants 2 do!!!!!
I like listening 2 hip hop music and just chillin with my friends, da gym, goin to da beach
Im a Warehouse, forklift operator

How u doin? I read your profile, and im interested in getting 2 know u better. Also u seem like a nice gurl. Text me anytime, if u want.

Oh no, ladiez!!! He didn't include his phone number!!! How can I text him??? I can't let this one get away!!!

Will someone please just shoot me now??? Seriously. This is painful.


Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010

Sunday, August 15, 2010

And a liar...

As many of you know, I perform with an improv troupe that I absolutely love. We've been together for two years now and I cannot get enough of these people. So infrequently in one's adult life is it possible to make friends that you know will stick by your side no matter what. I am fortunate enough to have found six of them. These fellow improvisers are my life blood. They make me laugh harder than anyone else I've ever met. Their talents and skills far exceed my expectations every time we get together and I feel lucky just to be around them. We are the closest group of people you'll find on any stage in New York. And that's just where we were at the time of my last date.

I was performing in an improv show on the Lower East Side last Thursday night when one of the guys I was talking to mentioned that he'd never seen a live performance before. I was shocked but of course invited him out to our gig (yes, I am that bold.) I asked where he was coming from and it turns out that we share the same hometown. Even though he lived only 5 minutes away from me, this guy was willing to take the train into Manhattan and travel all the way down to the LES just to watch me perform. Now that's dedication! I'm impressed already!

Our show was from 7 - 9 pm. He walked in at 8:45. Needless to say, he completely missed us on stage which made me very sad, especially after he came so far to see it. He already had a full glass of red wine in his hand so I knew he had to have gotten to the bar within the past few minutes, fully ashamed not to have caught the performance. Oh well, there's always next time. We hug hello and he asks me how it went. I note how cute he is (a thought which is seconded by my peers.) The only thing everyone agrees on (not to his face, of course) is that the boy has an alarming rate of chest hair peeking out from his button down shirt. And the top two buttons are undone, allowing this monstrous bush of jet black curls to swarm up towards his neck like they're about to attack his face at any moment. One of two things needs to happen here: either wax your chest to smooth that bushy beast down or at the very least, BUTTON YOUR SHIRT!!!

Phew. Deep breaths.

I tell him how much courage it's gotta take to show up at an event where he knows that I'll be surrounded by friends and he'll be completely out of his element. He confesses that it's his first time meeting someone in person that he found online so he has no idea how it's supposed to go or what the rules are. He does tell me that he's very happy I'm even prettier in person than in my pictures as he's heard horror stories from other guys about dogs they've met who looked cute online but were hideous up close. Well, at least I'm not one of those girls!

We spend a few more minutes breaking the ice and he admits to having "a few" glasses of wine before coming tonight just to loosen up? Dude, your idea of pre-gaming before a date is to get shit-faced? That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, no?

He talks about his day at work building prosthetic limbs and appendages for people. Shows me pictures of arms and legs he's built with plastic, vinyl and metal. Wow. I have to say...this is a first! Just when you thought you knew every cool (freaky) job out there, someone up and surprises you yet again!

He finishes his drink and offers to buy me one so we saunter up to the bar and grab two stools together while my friends mingle with some of the other guests. I order white wine and he gets another red. I do find it odd that he's been chewing gum the entire time he's been drinking. Perhaps he just hadn't found a place to throw the spearmint out?!?!

We chat some more and I smile and nod at everything he says. I'm not doing it just to be polite either. He actually has some really interesting stories. He's funny, smart, insightful, well read, creative and genuinely nice. I notice that the thoughts going through my head are things like: "well this could turn into something... I like him, he's nice... this guy is really intelligent... he sooooo needs to lose the chest hair... I didn't realize how comfortable I am with him... this is so easy..."

And then the shoe drops.

"So...um...I smoke cigarettes."


Can I just tell you, dearest readers, that I feel dirty even typing those words? Honestly, those are two of my least favorite words in the English language and I go to great lengths to avoid saying them out loud. I don't like the look of them, the feel of them, the image they create. I hate, detest, despise with a passion all things to do with smoking. My improv friends will tell you that I don't even mime doing it on stage. I never have and I never will. The whole concept grosses me out.

So the thought of kissing someone who smokes? Doubly disgusting.

I am so disheartened, I have to take a minute to let this news sink in. I look him in the eyes and tell him that this might be a deal breaker for me. That I'm upset because I certainly never saw it coming. That had I read that on his profile, I never would have gone out with him. Wait a minute, it wasn't on his profile. He asks me how I remember that. I say A) photographic memory and B) I never would've responded to a message from him had he said "yes" to the smoking and / or drugs question. Yeah, I know that I'm as straight edge as they come and I'm proud of it. So there!!!

He literally hangs his head and says "I'm sorry. I lied on my profile."

Great. So you're a smoker AND a liar!

Why would you do a thing like that?!?! People are bound to find out eventually. That's not exactly something you can hide. Although it does explain the gum chewing while drinking.

"Honestly?" (Yes, asshole, at this point, honesty would be awesome.)"I don't want to be with a girl who smokes."

Wow, that's amazing. I don't want to be with a guy who smokes!

"See, so we want the same thing!!!"

Um, no, that's not exactly how I see it. So wait a minute. Why is it ok for you to have that dirty little habit and not ok for whomever you're seeing?

"I know it's a double standard, I just think it's gross."

Funny. Me too. Well, are you at least planning on quitting???

"Oh yes, definitely."

Great! When?

"I don't know. Three weeks, three months, three years. It's hard to say really."

So not like tomorrow...

"No, definitely not tomorrow."

Ok. I think we're done here.

I down the rest of my drink and thank him for coming all the way into the city to see me. I wish he could've seen the show and at least gotten a few laughs out of the evening but c'est la vie. I gather my friends and tell them we're leaving. Now.

As they start to walk out slowly, I am pushing people towards the door. Faster, people, can we please move a littler faster?!?! They freak out for a minute upon realization that I've totally ditched my date and left him sitting alone with his half full (half empty???) glass of wine at the bar. And his gum, of course. I tell them the whole story and we commiserate over midnight pancakes at the diner. I think I should bring my friends on ALL my dates from now on!!!

Epilogue: There was one member of our group who didn't make it to the diner. He had many guests stay at the bar after the show. He told me in the subway on the ride home that my date stayed at the bar for several hours after I left him, hitting on almost every girl who walked in. I hope they like chest hair and liars!

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I know that I have an unusual name. Kimberly Spice. My parents named me after the kittens they had when I was born. Kimba didn't stick around too much longer after that but we had Spice until I was in 2nd grade. I'm telling you this because my parents are kinda hippies (at least when it comes to naming kids.) I told this story to the boy who shall be known as The Republican. So noted because his response was "Your parents are gonna love me. Hippies love Republicans."

I don't know much about politics. I prefer to watch Food Network to the news. It's not the world events don't interest me, it's just that...ok, well maybe most world events don't interest me. I try to stay current but there's always SO much happening, it's hard to keep up. So which political party stands where on what issues isn't my first choice when it comes to conversation topics. But I'll indulge him, just this once...

Seeing as my exposure to politics is limited at best, I gather information from the sources closest to me. My friends and family especially have always been the examples I've seen in how a Democrat thinks versus a Republican. My grandfather, for instance, thinks that W was the saving grace of the universe, that global warming is a made up scandal to get Democrats back into office, and that our new president is "dumber than Clinton and Gore combined." Forgive me, dearest grandfather, for I love you with all my heart, but I disagree with everything you just said. Which I guess makes me a Democrat.

Well Mr. Republican told me that he thinks my grandfather is a very smart man and that we need more men like him. Exhibit A:

He thinks Obama should be shot as he's ruining this country and is completely unAmerican.
Call me youthful and optimistic, but I voted for him.

He thinks that global warming does not exist, it's all just made up to scare us. Humans have no effect on the planet.
Really? Cause I remember a lot more snow as a kid and if the temperature went over 100 degrees it was newsworthy. Now it's an everyday occurrence through the summer.

He doesn't believe in recycling. At all.
What planet do you live on??? We've only got one Earth and I'm sorry to tell you that we're ruining it with the amount of trash, energy and oil spills it's being covered in.

He thinks the oil spill was bull shit.
Wait, so you're denying that one of the worst man-made environmental disasters in history even happened? I hardly watch the news but even I could tell you that sucker was BAD!!!

I don't know much but I do know this: I cannot go through life with someone whose views of the world differ so completely from mine. There are couples out there (you know who you are) who say that when a left-wing looney married a right-wing looney, Hell froze over just a little bit. They have to put their arguments aside to make it work and I respect them for it. I just don't think that my composting, energy saving appliances and multiple recycling buckets are in the foreseeable future for someone like this. Or that I could feel confident on Election Day knowing that my partner and I just cancelled each other out. Or that whenever the war is mentioned, where our American men and women are risking their lives every day and all I want is for them to come home safely and my partner wants to send more money / weapons overseas, that I could make polite dinner conversation around the topic. I don't think that I'd be able to control my feelings when jokes are being told about assassinating our elected governmental leader or comparing him to Nazi dictators. It's not a factor I'd ever considered before but it's certainly one that I'll take into account now.

I'm sure that this post will start some sort of debate and for that, I am sorry. If you don't like my views, you don't have to date me :-)

" Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Whole She-Bang

I am led here by the temptation of the most delicious Butterscotch Martini that New York City has to offer. I am not disappointed. It's soft, silky, smooth and goes down a little too easily according to first date etiquette. The warm feeling I get from drinking it entices me to order a second along with some chicken fingers. Hey, I can't be elegant all the time!

This swanky little downtown art bar was my date's idea. It's got cushy couches in the back, tables too tiny to perch anything more than one wineglass on, and canvases of art covering each of the red walls. We literally had to walk through a velvet curtain to find a spot back here and I can't recognize any of the music playing. If I was cooler, hipper, groovier, this would be exactly my kind of scene. Sadly, I'm still a suburban girl desperately trying to fit into the city crowd which means I'm out of my element here yet unrelenting in my attempts to hide the fact. No one has seemed to notice that I have neither purple hair nor a nose ring, or at least, they aren't pointing and laughing out loud. This bar is the kind of place where anything goes and judging by how many pairs of leather pants I've already counted (seven), I don't think it's the sort of environment where people pass judgement easily. Que sera, sera, my friends.

My "cup" is a thin guy, so skinny that I worry upon impact of our initial hug, he may snap in half. He's my height but I'd wager he's 100 pounds soaking wet, if that. It's a little disconcerting because I like my men to be men. He just looks like a very tall boy.

Still, he's pleasant enough to be around and he was thoughtful in his choice of locations. I ask him why he wanted to come to this particular bar (other than the dreamy $8 martini selection, of course). He tells me it was a frequent spot of his with his ex and he wants to make new memories here.

Wait. It gets better.

He pulls out a piece of paper and shows me his latest STD test results from the doctor. Says that when we started talking more, he went and got checked out, you know, just in case. That he's had a lot of partners but he's got a clean bill of health and wants to know when my last AIDS scan was. Excuse me?!?!

I'm really sorry but I haven't had one. Cause, you know, I'm not a whore. (Hey, dating 100 guys does not equal sleeping with 100 guys!!!)

He says that it's fine I haven't had any tests but instead, he asks me to share my entire sexual history with him. On the first date. I am sooooo not drunk enough for this.

He offers to go first and I sit there in stunned silence. I can't bring myself to eat or drink anything else as I wonder if I am truly in a daze or is this man really giving me the most intimate details of his private encounters over the past 10 years?!?! There are dates he's forgotten, names he can't remember, amounts of time that have slipped away somehow. All he can recall for some of the trysts are positions, parties, or in some cases, accessories. Of course, there was the occasional relationship which lasted a while and he would only throw in details if other partners were involved. Threesomes etc.

Once again, I am left feeling so naive that you might as well call me Ellie Mae. Toys? Threesomes? In the bathroom / closet / pile of coats? I admit to enjoying sex as much as the next girl but does anyone else think that this is too much information to absorb all at once?!?! I mean, my version of sex is G rated compared to the stories he regales me with for over half an hour. I know that you're wondering why I let him go on for so long but it was like watching a car crash in slow motion. You know that it's going to end disastrously but you just can't tear your eyes away. I was speechless for most of it (and I am NEVER speechless) to the point that when he finished, I had to down the rest of my drink just to get my mouth used to moving again. Just as he then turned the question back on me, his phone rang. He apologized and said he had to answer. I excused myself and walked past the velvet curtain to the ladies room.

I never went back.

There are some tests in a relationship that are pass / fail. There are others that involve cotton swabs.

Fail. Major Fail.