Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
***Update: You can read the entire transcript here, published by Megan Marks - Erica & Kit***
Monday, September 26, 2011
When I think about Kit’s betrayal and our break-up, I keep replaying the 24 hours leading up to it in my mind. I rack my brain looking for clues, coming up empty every time. I scour every detail with a fine-toothed comb. There must’ve been something - anything - I was missing. Some flashing neon sign saying “He’s lying to you! Don’t trust him!” But there wasn’t. I was blind sided.
The night before “the discovery” was a night like any other. We’d been cleaning and organizing the apartment. Anyone who’s moved in together knows that post-move combining of stuff always looks worse before it looks better. Our place looked like a preppy meets punk bomb site. My Cinderella paintings mixed with his metal concert posters. My purple butterfly stationary mixed with his neon green running shoes. My herbal teas mixed with his variety of hot sauce. We’d make excellent progress all afternoon in the merging and tidying of our belongings and took the evening off to relax.
For our last meal, we ate turkey burgers with ketchup, yellow tomatoes and provolone, potato chips, and baked beans with brown mustard. We drank homemade sweet iced tea and crunched on horseradish pickles, fresh from the day’s farmer’s market.
We watched My Life In Ruins and he brushed my hair throughout the entire movie. When it ended, we danced around the living room to Greek music, singing and kicking our feet up and saying “Opa!!!” We then flipped on She’s Out of My League and I massaged his feet for two hours.
We brushed our teeth, got into pajamas, refilled our water cups and snuggled into bed. I rubbed his back as he drifted off to sweet dreams. He whispered “I Love You” in his daze and rolled over, tugging the blanket with him. It was like every night for the last five and a half months. Nothing had changed. Nothing was different. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Nothing will ever be the same.
He will never again kiss me before bed. He will never brush my hair. He will never tickle me as I’m wriggling into pj’s. He will never annoy me by walking around the apartment cleaning his teeth. He will never warm my cold feet under the covers. He will never tease me about hogging the blankets. He will never toss and turn and toss and turn before settling into snuggle position. He will never make spoons with me again. He will never wake me from a nightmare, soothe my fears away, and hold me until I fall back to peaceful sleep. Now the only nightmares I have are about him being gone. And there’s no one to wake me from them.
I didn’t know it was our last meal. I didn’t know it was our last night together. I didn’t know it was our last kiss. Would I have done anything differently? Probably not. I loved him the same way I did every night. I would still love him the same way today and tomorrow and all the days to come. I didn’t know it was the end. I thought it was only the beginning.
Every person I’ve told about our break-up has the same shocked look of horror on their face and in their voice. It is impossible to believe. He was the epitome of kindness. The sort of man you’d look at and think “Aw, he’s a really great guy. What a sweetheart.” The one thing I heard more than anything else was “He’s a keeper!” and I truly thought he was. Those that knew us together are completely surprised because we were so happy, so in love, so smiley all the time.
What’s that saying? Oh yeah... Ignorance is bliss.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
For those of you that read the last page first. For people who want to know how the story ends, even before it begins. Now you know.
But I never saw it coming.
Truth be told, I was thrilled to start blogging again. When I logged on to the computer yesterday, it was to fill you all in on how Kit & I fell in love, moved in together, and had begun planning a wedding. When I logged on to the computer yesterday, it was to write my own happy ending and share it with the devoted readers who've been cheering for me all along. When I logged on to the computer yesterday, I found out Kit has been cheating on me...the entire time we've been dating.
The entire fucking time.
There seems to be some controversy over whether or not he was *actually* cheating. He swears nothing physical ever happened. Whether it did or not is not the point. In my book, engaging in an emotional relationship with a person other than your partner with the INTENT of a physical relationship at the opportune time is cheating.
Let me explain.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
When they announced the re-release of The Lion King in 3-D, my initial reaction was one of hesitance and skepticism. It's a "new classic" - one I actually remember seeing in theaters the first time around. Mom came all the way up to summer camp, picked up my little brother and me, and took us to the movies. In those days, the movies were NOT an alternative "rainy day activity" at camp like they are today. Listen, when you're in the woods for eight solid weeks of bug juice and government peanut butter, you'll take any excuse you can get to run away!
Long story short, I went because it was a rainy Wednesday afternoon and Kit & I were trying to avoid cabin fever. We both love The Lion King and wanted to see if the "new" release was worth all the hype. We were not disappointed. There is something about a Disney movie that makes me inexplicably happy. It literally takes my breath away to see Cinderella's castle in the previews, and it never gets old. The films, the theme parks, even the store remind me of childhood being a simpler time. Yesterday was already a complicated mess in my head, dealing with the emptiness of my deflated marriage. This was the perfect solution for lifting my spirits.
Here's what I wasn't expecting: Life lessons from a baboon.
Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back will mean facing my past. I've been running from it for so long.
[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]
Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past.
Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.
[Rafiki swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way]
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I couldn't tell you what I had for breakfast yesterday. I couldn't say for certain what outfits I wore last week. I don't remember the name of the restaurant I ate at last month. But I could tell you absolutely everything about September 21, 2003.
I married the man I loved eight years ago today. While it is no longer a happy anniversary, the date is drilled into my brain, nonetheless. I have vague recollections of him every so often but today I'm flooded with memories both bitter and sweet.
I remember every crystal of my Maggie Sottero dress. I can picture every petal of my white rose bouquet. I vividly recall my lilac tinted cake. I still imagine dancing with my little sister every single time J. Lo's "Let's Get Loud" comes on the radio. I can feel the ground squishing under my ballet slippers, the wet grass turning them green after the constant rain leading up to our wedding day. It's all there. And yet, it's all gone.
I realized last night that it's not my husband I miss at all. Our wedding was beautiful but our marriage was flawed at best. We started growing apart from the minute we got together. I didn't know the first thing about myself or how to have a "real relationship" at 20 years old. I would dare to argue that no one does. But the choices are to grow up together or grow apart and it saddens me to say we unwittingly chose the latter route.
I wrote the blog "Non-aversary" one year ago today. Our divorce was finalized two years ago today. We split four years ago today. Today seems to be the date that follows me wherever I go, haunts me in my dreams, shaped an entire decade of my life.
But it does not define me.
I have made a conscious choice to not be the product of my divorce. It's so easy to fall into the trap of letting one aspect of your existence define you, eclipsing every other part of your world. It's easy to fall prey to the "woe is me" mindset and embarrassingly, for a while, I did. That time is over.
September 21, 2011 is completely different than last year, two years ago, ten years ago. For the first time since I got on that plane to London, I can honestly say that my ex is no longer a part of my life. He and our marriage will always have a place in my heart and remain at the back of my mind. That being said, the more of my heart Kit takes up, the less room there is for painful breakups with exes. The more present I am in my life today, the further back those memories get pushed. The more happiness I allow myself to feel, the less sadness has a chance to creep in. I feel stronger and more confident than ever before.
The amazing news is that Kit & I just moved in together and we are loving every second of it. I promise to go back and fill in all the details of our modern day fairy tale journey and I hope you're as excited to read about it as I am to write it! After all the hurt, all the heartbreak, all the disappointment, all the bull shit, I've written my own happily ever after with a man I am proud to say I love totally and completely. He's not perfect. Neither am I. But we're pretty darn perfect for each other and I find myself smiling more often than should be legally allowed!
My dearest readers: You have become my friends and I never would have survived this experience without your kindness, love and support. All the comments, all the emails, all the cheerleading got me back on my proverbial horse and now I'm riding off with my knight in shining armor. I wish for each and every one of you a lifetime of love and happiness. Whether you're single, going through a break-up, or have survived an awful divorce, there is a rainbow after the storm. In the meantime, may I suggest dancing in the rain!