Saturday, September 24, 2011

Eyes Run Dry

Kit & I broke up.

For those of you that read the last page first. For people who want to know how the story ends, even before it begins. Now you know.

But I never saw it coming.

Truth be told, I was thrilled to start blogging again. When I logged on to the computer yesterday, it was to fill you all in on how Kit & I fell in love, moved in together, and had begun planning a wedding. When I logged on to the computer yesterday, it was to write my own happy ending and share it with the devoted readers who've been cheering for me all along. When I logged on to the computer yesterday, I found out Kit has been cheating on me...the entire time we've been dating.

The entire fucking time.

There seems to be some controversy over whether or not he was *actually* cheating. He swears nothing physical ever happened. Whether it did or not is not the point. In my book, engaging in an emotional relationship with a person other than your partner with the INTENT of a physical relationship at the opportune time is cheating.

Let me explain.

My last boyfriend clearly cheated on me. He had sex with another woman (a fat woman with mousy hair. Oh, and he did it while I was babysitting his daughter. But that's another story.)

What killed me in that relationship wasn't that he slept with someone else, although that surely grossed me out beyond belief. It was that he'd been LYING about it the whole time. It was the sneaking around behind my back. The emails, the phone calls, the text messages, the clandestine meetings. He betrayed every ounce of trust I'd bestowed in him the whole two years we were dating. He undermined every honest feeling I'd ever had for him. He threw back in my face all the love I gave without question.

The thing about heartbreak is that it doesn't kill matter how much you want it to.

I thought that I would die after that relationship. There were weeks - possibly months - that I didn't get out of bed. I couldn't eat or shower or sleep. I was an unrecognizable wreck. Don't even get me started on the state of my hair!!! Definitely not the woman you have all gotten to know in the last twenty months. That was the weakest point in my life. I know what rock bottom feels like. I felt it after my divorce. I felt it after my ex cheated on me. If allowed, I'd be there again now.

Kit knew all this about me. We took a month to get to know each other before even meeting. By the time we started dating, we were practically best friends. I am an expert in the history of his life as he is on mine. He knew the intimate details of how my ex fucked me over, toyed with my mind, broke my heart. I begged Kit never to put me through that. Never to make me feel the way my ex did. Never to hurt me so badly I wished someone would just cut out my heart to stop the pain. He swore he never would. I - and everyone else in my life - believed him.

Yesterday started out as normal as any other day. Since moving in together, we've fallen into our little routine. He wakes up an hour before me, snuggles me for a few minutes, kisses my head and I roll back into a blissful, dreamy sleep. He exercises, goes for a run, plays with the dog, eats breakfast, then hops onto the computer to check the world news and sports scores.

At least, that's what I thought he was doing.

You know those moments that are so surreal you can hardly believe you're living them? I had two yesterday, within five minutes of each other. The first was when I dropped Kit at the train station. He was heading into the city and almost missed his train kissing me goodbye so many times. Thirty seconds after pulling away from the station, he called and I got worried - was something wrong? Was he sick? No. He just wanted to say I Love You one more time. I called my mother laughing at how much he loved me, how much he missed me after only being apart for a millisecond. How silly is it that I'm "complaining" about a man who loves me too much?!?! The flip side to that is my father calls my mother all the time to tell her how much he loves and misses her. Sometimes he'll be upstate for a week and say it. Sometimes he'll call her from the couch. In that moment, we were just two women feeling ridiculously lucky to be with men who really, truly love and appreciate us.

The second surreal moment was three minutes later when I got home, flipped open the laptop and saw that Kit had left his facebook open. Nothing surprising. What was surprising was the chat message he had open with a friend named Erica which read:

The last time Kim and I had sex, I imagined it was with you.

Dear Pandora, when you opened the box, did you ever wish you didn't???

Erica: Hey! How was your date last night? Was she everything you hoped for?
Kit: She has small boobs and a big ass. Not exactly my type. Plus she's too tall. I like petite brunettes. Know any?

Erica: You had sex with her for the first time? How was it?
Kit: Meh. It was ok.

Erica: Do you ever think about me?
Kit: When I'm about to finish inside her, I squeeze my eyes shut real tight. It's easier to picture your face that way.

Erica: Do you miss anal with me?
Kit: I love taking Kim from behind. It makes me think of fucking your tight ass.

Erica: How's your day going?
Kit: I'm exhausted from this morning. I get off just thinking about your mouth around my cock.

Erica: You're dating a hot blonde, eh? Think you could get the two of us together?
Kit: Kim is the jealous type, so I can't tell her about us. She would freak out. But we can keep talking - hearing from you is what I look forward to most in a day.

Erica: You have a girlfriend now. Do we have new boundaries?
Kit: No, she doesn't have to know *everything* about me. I'm the same horny toad I always was. Especially for you.

Erica: You seem really happy on your facebook posts.
Kit: I would never be with Kim forever without screwing you a few more times.

Erica: Are you gonna marry her?
Kit: I don't think I'll ever marry this girl, but I love feeling safe and comforted and protected. That's why I stay. That's why I moved in.

Please note that there were over 1,160 messages back and forth between them from April through yesterday. Clearly, I couldn't share them all with you, but these are some of the highlights. He was chatting with her while I was sleeping, while I was in the shower, while I was making him lunch. He was chatting with her while moving in with me, planning a wedding with me, picking out baby names with me. He was chatting with her while crawling into bed with me every night, telling me he loved me, and kissing me ever so sweetly. He was chatting with her while deceiving me, my friends, my family, my readers, and even my dog.

I haven't stopped crying for 24 hours. I can't stop replaying his awful words over and over in my head. I can't stop shaking in disbelief that a man I trusted - we all trusted - could betray me so horribly. I woke up in a different world today. One in which I am in bed alone, he did not snuggle me, he did not kiss me good morning. A world that has come crashing down around my shoulders, all the hopes and dreams for the future disappeared in one instant. A world where I would like to crawl back under the covers and sleep for a million years. He ripped everything out from under me. I have nothing left to give.

Many of you have sent me emails, texts, and fb messages to help lift my spirits. While I cannot express my gratitude in words right now, please know that I take them all very much to heart. Thank you for sending your love and hugs and support. I pray that you never, ever feel what I'm feeling right now. No one deserves this kind of pain. No one.

***Update: You can read the entire ugly transcript here, published by Megan Marks - Erica Wondolowski***


  1. Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. I know what that feels like. I also know that there isn't a damn thing I can do to make it better. I wish there was. I don't know you personally, but after reading your blogs, I feel a kinship with you and I am just in shock. I was so happy that you had found your "Mr Wonderful" but it turns out he is Mr Douchebag. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. /hugs

  2. As awful as standing your ground can feel, in the end you made the right choice. Emotional cheating is even worse than the physical act of a one night stand type of cheating. I know there are no words thy an make you feel better, but we're all here for you. We love you and want the best for you! Stay strong!

  3. I don't know what's worse: the truth that you've been hurt so deeply by a man that you loved, or the reality that a woman would do this to another woman.

    No one deserves this, least of all you!

    Sending Kim love and peace.

    Here's to karma, Erica!

  4. I'm confused?? Did he have a date with someone besides this Erica chick last night?

    Sorry for your loss. Deep down you know you'll get through this. I am digging deep to get through the same thing right now. Actually, I am sorry for the loss of your relationship. Not for the loss of Kit. You deserve better. You deserve it all.

  5. <3 I love you, we all love you. I said it yesterday and I'll say it again, Kit is a relationship terrorist and he needs to crawl back under the rock he came out of. He is not worthy of walking the same planet as you. He needs to eat shit and die and then rot in hell.

  6. WOW...Sounds like my ex-husband. I am so sorry Kim. Men like him give the few "good" guys a bad name. How do we ever trust again...modern technology makes it real easy to deceive and hurt others. Please just remember, you are worth a whole lot more than he deserves. Remember Karma, it can be a woman's best friend. I do hope you can get past this part quickly. You will be mourning but remember, it goes in stages. You are strong and smart and you can conquer this. So many of us look up to you and know you can do it. WE are there for you Kim.

  7. There are at least 100 things I would like to share with you my dear Kim and I do promise to write again because I would so love to see 'you' do the same. For tonight, please allow me to simply say that very pathetic sentiment that we get sick of hearing but what is there to say? I am very sorry Kim. The tears...the freaking tears! they at times come out of no where and without a single thought. I guess they are tears from the heart. Those can linger for what seems forever. I can taste mine as I type. Hang in there Kim.