Tuesday, February 5, 2013

One Testicle

My script for Bad Date / Great Story on Saturday, February 2, 2013 at the Gramercy Theatre. The performance went a little off script (ok, probably a lot off script!) and the video will be posted shortly. THANK YOU to everyone who came and for those who missed it, I will be doing another one in a couple months. You’re all amazingly special to me and I hope you enjoyed me on stage as much as on your little computer screens. Hugs and Love, KSpice

Hi everybody. My name is Kimberly Spice, my blog is 100 Cups of Coffee, and my ex husband only had one testicle. True story. For anyone here who doesn’t know and / or is not related to me, I have challenged myself to go on 100 first dates. Some have been good. Some have been bad. Some have been ugly. Cesar Milan is the Dog Whisperer. I am the Frog Kisser.

The cool part about being a writer / story teller is that people write to me all the time to share their stories with me too. Usually they ask me all sorts of inappropriate personal questions, which is cool you know, cause I’m an open book. But the thing that shocks me the most is when they ask how much of my blog is made up? Ummm, none of it? It’s my actual life. It’s funny to you, it’s sad to me cause I’m living it. 

I’m thinking about subtitling it, It’s Funny Cause It’s True...or maybe You Can’t Make This Shit Up.  I mean, first of all, who would make this stuff up? Really, if I was living the dream life and going on amazing dates, and finding my happily ever after somewhere over the rainbow, I promise I would tell you. I really would. But I really have been out with a one-armed prison guard, a guy who vomited sushi and still tried to kiss me, two separate guys who put me on the phone with their mothers, a man who never left Brooklyn, and a guy who wanted to take me to the Rocky Horror picture show dressed as Brad and Janet...except he wanted to be Janet. 

Also, my ex husband really had one testicle. It’s not the reason for the divorce, of course. We got divorced because he squeezed the toothpaste from the middle of the tube and if there’s one thing that annoys me more than a Midget Day Parade, it’s a thumbprint smack in the middle of the toothpaste tube. We tried everything to make it work. We bought separate toothpastes. We bought the pump kind. I got that little device that squeezes the toothpaste up from the bottom for you. He was just passive aggressive this way. Like when we would fight, he’d never raise his voice, he wouldn’t yell back at me like a normal person --- he would go to the bathroom and switch the toilet paper from “over” to “under.”

Anyway, the reason that I mention his one-ball-ness is because it was just really inconsiderate for him not to tell me before I found out on my own. Am I right, ladies? Like, if I only had one breast, and a guy was all angling to get into my shirt, I would casually mention - hey, just so you know - and kinda point it out so he doesn’t bolt out the back door while I’m unhooking my admittedly padded bra. Boobs are like shoes, you know? They come in a pair. So we’re being intimate for the first time, and I’m down there, alone, in the dark, hunting around for the lost ball like a five year old trying to find her missing shoe under the bed on the first day of kindergarten, just waiting for a monster to jump out! Like I know that the dryer monster eats left socks, which is why they never come out in pairs but is there some sort of testicle monster that I should be aware of??? It was just really inconsiderate of him not to tell me first. 

Most of my dates can be attributed to a guy being inconsiderate. Like not telling me that he was a cross dresser. Not telling me that his picture was taken 150 pounds ago. Not telling me that “separated” meant that his wife was away for the weekend. Not telling me that he had a shoe fetish. You like sucking toes? That’s cool, but I think I deserve a heads up, right ladies??? I’m totally lying there actually. Toe sucking is weird. 

Real life is always so much funnier than fiction, isn’t it? I feel like I’m not nearly creative enough to make up the dates that I’ve actually been on. Like the shit that men have pulled on me is so freaking far out there, I would just never think of it. Right???

Round of applause: who here has ever been on a bad date?

Great! Thank you, I feel less alone in the world now. 

Ok, also round of applause: who here has ever been on a date so bad, your mom had to come rescue you?

No??? Just me then. “Hi Mom!” 

I knew I was particularly single when my mom bought me two subscriptions for Christmas - one to eHarmony and one to Weight Watchers. Nothing instills confidence in a girl like hearing “Honey, you’re fat and you need a boyfriend.” 

So I sign up for eHarmony and this guy Arnold messages me. I am determined to make the best of the situation. Arnold is already nervously waiting at a table for me. He stands to say hello and we get caught in one of those moments where you're not sure whether to hug (is this a real date?) or shake hands (is this a business meeting?) or do we avoid physical contact altogether (seems a bit sterile?) Arnold goes in for a one-armed hug (middle-ground) which is when he smells my hair. Who does that?!?!

At this point, I say a little prayer: Dear God, Please get me through this night. You can have me in the morning. Love, Kim

Once I was safely on the other side of the table, I noticed his glasses. No, wait, not glasses --- bifocals. Do 33 year old men actually need bifocals?

Oh no, I'm going to hell. The bifocals were distracting me from his lazy eye. I don't know where to look now. I don't know where to look!!!

Receding hairline. Focus on the receding hairline so you don't stare at the bifocals. Or the lazy eye. Seriously, Kimberly, stop staring!

Why does he have four layers of clothes on? I see a t-shirt under a collared shirt under a sweater under a jacket. Is he preparing for nuclear winter? It's fifty something degrees out. Who wears that many clothes indoors? It's likely a gland problem. Do not think about it. Do not think about it. Do not think about it. Ask about his life.

"Well, I am very excited because I just moved out on my own. I got an apartment down the block from my parents house where I've been living for thirty-three years."

Do. Not. Laugh. Ask about his work.

"Blah blah blah computer stuff blah blah blah technology blah blah blah scientific terms for things blah blah blah information is fascinating blah blah blah"

I don't understand anything he just said. Nor, I realize, do I care.

"So, Kimberly, you studied theatre in college?"

Yes, my degree is in stage management and directing.

"And then you lived in England?"

Yes, I worked in the West End of London on several major productions there.

"So then you came home to teach drama?"


"And now you do improv in the city?"


Why am I getting the weird feeling I’m being interviewed for a position I don’t actually want? He clearly studied my profile and reviewed all the conversations we'd previously had and is just going through them. That or he Google stalked the shit out of me!

And that's when it happened: He'd been holding his drink in his right hand the entire conversation. But when he switched hands, the cup was covered in blue ink when he put it down.

He had a cheat sheet written on his hand.

Text to mom: HELP

Me: Mom, hi, is everything ok???

Mom: Hi honey, this is your rescue call.

Me: Oh no! Is he alright?

Mom: That bad, huh?

Me: Oh that's awful. Poor thing.

Mom: You really need to get out of there, don't you?

Me: I'm out on a date right now. Nobody else can come help?

Mom: I can't wait to hear about this one when you get home.

Me: Yes, of course I'll go. But you'll have to apologize to Arnold for interrupting our lovely coffee date.

Mom: Your brother wants to hear about it too.

Me: Yes, mom. I'm on my way. Yes, right now. I love you.

Mom: Love you too. Now run away from the scary man! And don't let him follow you to your car.

With this, the girl sitting across from us starts laughing. She shoots me a look that says RESCUE CALL. It's awesome that she (and the barista mopping the floor and smiling at me...and the guy looking up from his newspaper winking at me) knows. I just really hope Arnold doesn't figure it out. 

"That's a shame. Thanks for a great first date."

Which is when I realize he means first date ever...

I am a bad, bad person. My mom is an awesome rescue caller though.

Anyway, that is why I’m not on eHarmony anymore. I definitely ran the gamut of online dating sites though. I was always kinda proud of how many online dating profiles I had going at once. Are you guys on any good ones? Yeah, it’s ok not to admit it, they suck, we all know it. Let’s see, I’m on Tinder, Zoosk, Flirt, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, How About We, Chemistry, LavaLife, Catholic Match, Christian Mingle, Christian Jingle, Christian Single, J-Date, J People which is for Jews who are too cheap to pay for J-Date...

But there are plenty of others out there that you may or may not have heard of.  
Wealthy Men.com 
Sugar Daddy.com 
Lonely Cheating Spouses .com 
Farmers Only.com - city folks just don’t get it!
Love at First Bite for fans of the vampire lifestyle
Equestrian Singles for those who like riding bareback
Cupidtino for Apple product users --- oh yes, it’s true, you really can choose who to date based on their iPhone. Like I’d date a man with an Android! Ha! 
Republican People Meet --- I’m staying as far away from that shit as possible. 
Love Me / Love My Pet - I’m sure it’s not as dirty as it sounds, but it’s still not ok.
Veggie Date - vegetarian singles. Think of all the money you’ll save on taking them out to dinner! That’s the only time a girl can ever order a salad and not have the guy look at her like “Order a burger, bitch!”
DateCraft for those immersed in the World of Warcraft and video gaming interests.  ZombieHarmony - for people who enjoy the undead lifestyle. At least you’ll find a man who wants you for your brains and warm heart! 
Meet an Inmate.com for those looking to start a long distance relationship with an incarcerated person. Does this sound like an episode of Law & Order SVU just waiting to happen? 
No Longer Lonely.com for people with mental illnesses. 
Stache Passions for women craving men who resemble Tom Selleck or Keith Hernandez and the men who look like them. 
This is one of my favorites: Trek Passion - for Star Trek fans looking for love. They have a million members. Only three of them are girls. I do like my odds there...Also, I’m pretty sure that my New Man (being a nerd) may break up with me tonight after learning that such a site exists!)

So I am actually dating a New Man, and I’ll admit...I’m pretty crazy about  him. That being said, he’s a Nerd. I’m not exaggerating here. New Man is a Super Nerd. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, superheroes, video games, role playing games, computers, you name it, he’s into it. We almost met at speed dating at Comic Con in October (almost!) He’s got the geekiest bachelor pad ever, minus a Lego Yoda on his headboard. When we first started dating, I told him about some of the nerds I’d gone out with, including Starship Enterprise in a bottle t-shirt guy, Spidey Watch, and the dude that wanted to climax to the Imperial March, just to name a few. He said “well they sound like a pretty cool bunch of dudes. I’d like to meet most of them.” I knew then that I was in trouble, but here’s the difference: New Man is not socially awkward. He can carry on a conversation, he’s dated real women before, and he treats me like an absolute princess. 

I know, you’re wondering how we met and I’ll give you the honest answer. After years of being disappointed by online dating, I thought that to get a truly quality man, I would take out a full page Boyfriend Wanted ad in the New York Times. Then I looked up how expensive a full page ad in the NY Times was and settled on the next best thing. I put up an ad on Craigslist. Probably the same men read those ads, right? Definitely gonna get an awesome caliber of guys from this experiment!

I got over 100 responses to my CL ad. I weeded out 70 right off the bat. 30 more got replies. Narrowed it down to 10 who got pictures. 5 got my phone number. 3 of them texted, 2 more got calls, and 1 actually landed a date with me! When I told New Man about this process and all the other nerds he beat out for a date with me, he said “That puts me in the top 1.43% of the dating pool!” And this is how I knew he was just the right guy for me!!!

He’s pretty amazing so far. We’ve been dating for a month, and without putting too much pressure on it, I like him a lot. Really, a lot. As such, I won’t be writing about him right away, until I see where we’re going together, but I have pretty high hopes for this one. I will definitely continue filling you all in on all the dates that happened between the last blogs and New Man, cause there are plenty of stories left untold. He survived me performing live on Saturday night, meeting all my friends, and six blocks walking in the city talking with my mom! Fingers crossed, he might actually be a keeper!

I’ll leave you with the same thing I told the audience at Bad Date / Great Story at Gramercy Theatre this weekend. I encourage you all to do one thing, and one thing only: Kiss a frog. Kiss a hundred frogs. Kiss a thousand frogs. You never, ever know which one will turn out to be your prince.