Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What Can Brown Do For You?

I am considering renaming this project "He Seems Normal" because every time someone asks me about the next guy I'm going out with, the only thought I can seem to muster is: He Seems Normal. Well, just to be clear, they're not normal. Any of them. Men are very odd creatures. Freakin weirdos! Here's the scoop...

We send the standard dozen "getting to know you messages" through the website as per usual. He eventually sends me his phone number and we text for a couple of days. Then, in a serious deviation from my usual form, I agree to meet up without speaking to him on the phone first. This right here people? This is why these rules exist. Skip a step and you will sorely regret it!

He only works two towns away from where I live and I happen to know a restaurant there with a great bar setting as well as dessert and drinks selection. We decide that it'd be fun to do things in reverse by having cake and coffee before dinner instead of after it. Hey, I've clearly already thrown caution to the wind! He gets there with enough time before me to have finished off half of his dark, syrupy (and no doubt, alcoholic) beverage. We make small talk about the weather for a few minutes while the bartender brings over menus and we pick out what to order. Oreo cheesecake for me. Pecan pie for him.

I tease him about positioning himself at the bar between two big screen tv's, each playing a different sport. He laughs it off and says he only really watches one sport and that's racing. Not like NASCAR though. He likes tracks where they turn left and right, not just go in circles. I'm sorry, does the bi-directional turning make it less redneck somehow? I think not.

I ask how his day at work was and fish for details about what he actually does for a living. I realize that until this point, he's been vague about what his job fully entails. "I work at nerd conventions." What the hell does that mean??? "You know, geeks, nerds, dorks, dweebs. They need a place to congregate. Talk about comic books or Star Wars or the latest technology. There are huge conferences all over the country for these nerds, they're big events. I operate the cameras that broadcast whoever is on stage onto the big screen. Not like the television screen, just the big screen at the actual convention. Like at concerts but less cool. Although sometimes there are concerts there too. Nerd concerts."

*I will give you a moment to catch your breath from laughing. PS: If there are any nerds reading this, you have my sincerest apologies.*

Wow, ok so that sounds interesting (not.) What's your favorite part of your job?

"I get to travel for work."

Cool, where do you get to go?

"Boston, Philly, DC. Sometimes even New Jersey. I really get to see a lot of places."

Wait, suddenly New Jersey, the armpit of America, is considered traveling for work? Not exactly seeing the world but I guess when all you get to look at all day is guys who didn't get laid in high school (and let's face it, probably aren't getting laid now either), perhaps even Dirty Jerz sounds promising?

Fortunately, our desserts arrive and I can focus on delicious Oreo Cheesecake instead of my dorky date for a few moments. He tells me that it's a good thing he found something on the menu he eats cause he can be picky sometimes. I say that the food here is really good, especially their French Onion Soup. It's made with 6 different types of onions and several cheeses plus the bread is the perfect blend of soft and crunchy. "Oh, yeah I like French Onion Soup. I can eat that. It's brown."

I'm sorry, what???

"Right, like I ordered the pecan pie cause it's brown so it fits into my diet. That's what I eat."

Ok, please explain. (This is too good to pass up.)

"Well, see I grew up eating whatever my mom made and she was on Weight Watchers when I was a kid so everything we ate was brown. Steak. Potatoes. Spinach. All brown stuff."

Is anyone else wondering how they got spinach to be brown? Cause I don't think I wanna know.

"I mean, I eat other stuff too. Since I'm single I don't really like to cook just for myself right, so I eat a lot of tuna. Like three to four cans a week."

I tell him that he should be careful with tuna as my cousin got mercury poisoning and lost all of his hair that way.

"Oh no, well I don't eat real tuna. I eat albatross."

...Think about it...

In my best ditzy girl voice: "Um, so like, I thought albatross was like a bird or something. Like endangered cause there's not many left."

"No, albatross is a kind of tuna. But don't worry, it's really low in mercury and dolphin free. I eat albatross all the time. It's pretty tasty."

Again, ditzy girl voice: "Oh, so like I thought albacore was tuna."

"Aw, sweetie, no. Albacore is a country in the Middle East. I think we're at war with them now. That's probably where you heard the word. It's ok. I know this stuff is confusing. But trust me. I'm a nerd."

It is at this point that I have to down about half my drink because if I don't stuff my face with something, I will laugh so hard at him that I might never stop. Not only was he ridiculously wrong, but he felt sorry for me that I'm so stupid. Will someone please call Samuel Taylor Coleridge and insist that he revise The Rime of the Ancient Mariner? Also get Baudelaire on the phone. It's embarrassing that these men have etched into history such mistaken representation that the albatross is a bird. Preposterous! It is clearly delicious sandwich food and those environmentalists should just back off!

Begging the dating gods to help me turn this conversation around on the road back to normal, I ask if there are any non-fishy foods he enjoys. He says that peanut butter is a staple in his pantry. I tell him I love peanut butter and jelly (what six year old doesn't?) He says "No, just peanut butter." I ask about peanut butter with marshmallow fluff. "Nope, just peanut butter." I ask about peanut butter and Nutella. He doesn't know what Nutella is. I explain the infinite level of deliciousness that the Italians created by combining chocolate with hazelnut into a creamy spread. He replies "Oh, I think I've seen that in the store. That's brown right?"

Check please.

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010


  1. Did you ever figure out what made spinach brown? (other than going really really REALLY bad?) lol

    So if you mix all kinds of food coloring into the food and make it brown does that count?

  2. Upon second thought; my mother was on weight watchers for a LONG time growing up. Nothing I ate had to be brown and I'm pretty sure it was "points" not a color chart you had to follow.

  3. maybe he has a form of synesthesia (http://web.mit.edu/synesthesia/www/) and the colors make him taste differently (although I'm pretty sure that's not how it works). And as a recovering nerd (I have been to those conventions (but was never as into it as the guy dressed as a Klingon)) I can tell you that the only thing nerdier than being at a nerd convention was being THE AV CLUB for the nerd convention. And to be dumb is one thing, to condescend to those who are actually smarter than you is quite another. This night died, but whodunnit? it was Mr. Brown, in the Nerd Convention, with the Albatross.