Just Haven't Met You Yet

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep...insert obnoxious yet oddly reassuring noises here...spaceship sounds...more beeping...mission complete!

You've Got Mail!!!

Dear "Joe,"

You are words on a screen. You're a mysterious figure - possibly even a figment of my imagination - of whom I know very little in real life. I don't know how old you are, where you live, what you look like...and frankly, none of that really matters. All I know is that your letters have given me more hope in Nice Guys than I ever thought possible. And I can't stop thinking about you.

It's not just me, either. There have been a surprising number of comments, messages and emails from female readers wanting to know more about you. Wanting to find out who you are, where you are, so they might have a chance to date you. This "blind dating" concept is ancient, but falling for someone without ever seeing them is overwhelming, even to a seasoned dater like me!

The truth is, it's a scary world out there and no one wants to face it alone. Your original email to me said that you read both The Unicorn Theory and Two By Two. I am scared that the lonely unicorn got left off the ark because she didn't have a mate. Everyone else was sailing off to a new world full of better and brighter things, whereas the poor unicorn was stuck in limbo. She wasn't safely coupled up like the zebras and the elephants and the giraffes. Noah probably thought she was just a horse with a sparkly horn and he already had enough horses. He didn't see that she was special all on her own. That her sparkly horn was just one of many unique, magical gifts. That she would go down in history as something of legend, made of myth more than memory. 

I'm afraid the same thing is happening to romance, and essentially, to me. Romance is a dying art. It's going the way of the shoehorn and the telegraph. Find me a child who knows what a victrola is? It feels the same way finding a man who understands chivalry and does not mistake is for chauvinism. What is to become of girls like me (and guys like you) who want respect, friendship, laughter, love? "Nice girls" who think that building a life around someone, creating a future together is the greatest gift you can give another person. When I'm dating someone, I want to give my whole heart. I fall for a man and dedicate myself to him, and to us, for as long as we are together. Dating has become so casual now. You're right, it's something people do to kill time. Time dies quickly enough on its own. Of all things in life, time is the most irrecuperable. Once gone, we cannot get it back. How better to spend our time than being kind, being generous, and actively loving another person?

This doesn't mean I want to marry the next man I meet or have babies by next Tuesday. Men seem terrified by women who have biological clocks ticking but I'll clue you in guys: Many of us have had those silent alarm bells ringing for years. That doesn't mean we're acting on the impulse to settle down or reproduce immediately! Women want to find the best match for them, their perfect mate, and hopefully, they won't stop looking til they find it. That's the other fear guys have. "Perfect" means something completely different to us than it does to you. My "perfect" guy is perfect for me and me only. It doesn't mean he's "the perfect guy" --- it means that he cares about me, he makes me laugh, he thinks I'm the cutest thing ever, he finds me irresistibly sexy and incredibly charming. My perfect guy is a little nerdy, a little mushy, a little protective, and a lot faithful. He doesn't have perfect abs or the perfect apartment or the perfect family or the perfect job. My perfect guy appreciates me, adores me, is affectionate with me, pays attention to me. My perfect guy "gets" me in a way that no one else does...because there's no greater feeling in the world than feeling "gotten."

Perhaps it is your duty and mine to spread the knowledge about these things? Women are afraid too. We don't think that we have all the power in the dating world. In fact, it's just the opposite. The numbers will prove that there are almost twice as many women to men, especially in my age range and especially single. Add that to men having a longer physical ability to bear children and you've got a flipped equation. Guys get to choose the woman they want to pursue, whether he deserves her or not. Not to sound extremely conceited, but I'm overqualified for most of the men I've dated in the last three years. Like a job with a lower starting salary than I was hoping for and less vacation than I'd like to take, I'm there because it's available and I need to work. What this 100 Cups of Coffee project has proven to me is that I don't need to accept the first job offer I'm given because I've got 99 other interviews lined up. In some ways, that takes a huge amount of stress and pressure off of me. In others, it's absolutely exhausting. As anyone who has been on all those interviews knows, eventually, you just want to find the right job (or right date) for you. 

Maybe someday, you and I will meet in the park and fall madly in love one day. Maybe I'll show you my wedding ring and tell you the story of how I met and married my Unicorn. Maybe you'll tell me yours. Maybe it'll even be one of my readers who is crazy about this great guy she first read about on this very blog, and the email you sent me could change your life forever. Maybe it's like You've Got Mail meets Sleepless In Seattle and we'll all be waiting to hear about a meeting on top of the Empire State Building at midnight where two nice people set eyes on each other for the first time...and began their Happily Ever After. All I know is that you should never give up. You should never stop looking. You should never forget who you are, or change who you are, to make someone else like you. Because out there in the universe is another person who will love you for exactly who you are and you'll be MFEO: Made For Each Other. It's crazy to think about and the older I get, the more dubious it seems. The more time passes, the more I doubt that "he" really exists for me. But I have to believe it. I have to have faith. I have to continue my search for love. I have to be patient. Michael Buble said it best: I just haven't met you yet.

Hugs and Love Songs, 

"Kathleen"