Friday, January 27, 2012

The Unicorn Theory

My friend Allie is one of the awesomest people I know. She's a sorority sister from my college days although we met a year before either of us pledged, back in the freshman dorms. We crushed on cute boys together, ate in the cafeteria together, and wore pajamas to all our 8 am classes together. Super tight!

Anywho, when he-who-shall-not-be-named and I broke up, I drove two hours north to visit Allie and escape my life for a while. Coming home to the apartment I'd shared with him was simply too painful so I jumped in my car on a five state road trip. Let's just say I made equally good use of my BlueTooth and my iPod during those long, lonely hours on I-95. It was all worth it though, to spend some quality nights with my besties, all spread around the NorthEast.

Allie & I were chatting about the stupidity of men over a few glasses of chardonnay when she busted out her theory of the universe. You see, she's got this great guy friend who goes shopping with her, knows how to dance, and is actually a very decent human being. I know what you're thinking: he's got to be gay? And yet, he's surprisingly straight.

Rocco is a straight, single man with no baggage. He has never been married, has no children, is nobody's baby daddy. He dresses well, owns a car, has his own apartment. He works in a steady job earning a good income and has really nice friends. He comes from a good family, has an excellent education and treats everyone with respect. He holds open doors, pulls out chairs, and will hold your purse while you shop. Actually, he'll pick out a beautiful, expensive purse for you and surprise you with a "just because" gift - which is ten times better. Rocco enjoys cooking, knows how to dance, and loves to snuggle.

Once again, I remind you: this man is straight.

Allie confronted him with her theory on his dating life (and I quote):
     "You're a fucking unicorn."

"Men like you don't exist. Women like me hear about guys like you, we have seen pictures, imagined you for years, but we've never met you in person. We dream you up in our minds, wonder how we'd react if we ever actually came across you, but at the end of the day, you're a mythical creature. You can't meet a nice girl because she's going to spend the entire time you're together asking herself what the hell is wrong with you. Trying to figure out why you're single. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are a figment of her overactive imagination. You are a fucking unicorn."

Seeing as every man I've ever loved is married, gay, or dead, I am right there with Allie on this Unicorn Theory. The good ones are always taken, and the guys who aren't taken are usually single for a reason. We may not know the reason, but it's always there. Rocco's case is unique in that (as far as we can tell) there is nothing mentally, physically, or emotionally wrong with him. He's just a truly great guy with no baggage that happens to be single.

Do you know what this means, ladies? It means, he's out there! Walking around among us: a nice, normal, single, straight guy who is looking for a sweet, wonderful, normal girl to love. A girl just like you!

Where there's one, there's usually more. Look for your unicorn, girls. And don't stop until you find him!


  1. The real question he intelligent, witty, side-splitting hilarious, passionate about things, or to some it all up...interesting? Is he interesting? Because to be honest the rest of that stuff doesn't interest me...but a man who's THAT's a unicorn ;)

    Great post!

  2. I just have pumpkin theory. I wait for them to turn back into a pumpkin (from Cinderella). So far... not proven wrong!