Sunday, January 22, 2012

Fool Me Twice

“Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has them and most of them stink. “ - The Dead Pool
I have been overwhelmed with your kind (and not so kind) thoughts and comments this weekend. Believe me when I tell you that I’ve taken everything you’ve said to heart and thought about it non-stop. For those who saw me go through the break-up with Kit in September, you know how heart breaking it was for me. Now that you all know I’ve been *considering* taking him back for the past few months, finding out that he hasn’t been faithful even after being graciously granted another chance is even harder. 
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you twice. 
I loved Kit with all my heart and he took that for granted. He broke my trust and I can never, ever get it back. I know now that looking for the good in someone doesn’t mean there is any, no matter how much you want to see it. I also know that I deserve better than being kicked in the face by the man I’m faithful to, knocked down again and again every time I get up. It took me a long time to see this, and I regret those months lost, but I do not regret the lesson learned. I will NEVER make that mistake again. 
I have tried to keep up with your questions, comments, concerns and remarks. It’s only fair to acknowledge both sides of the story so here are the write-ins so far. Not everyone will agree with my decision to link Megan Marks’ post to my blog and that’s ok. I didn’t ask for anyone’s permission, nor am I asking for forgiveness. She stood up for a total stranger by posting those chats, which I admit, I copied and pasted out to friends and readers in the midst of my emotional turmoil in the Autumn. Several of you can attest to this because you also received the email from me. I do apologize for the offensive, graphic, and explicit nature of the chats, but please keep in mind that I did NOT write those. Those messages were sent between Kit & Erica...while I was sleeping, in the shower, or making him lunch. I truly hope you can understand that my stomach turned while reading them too, and I was just as grossed out as you were, likely more so. 
There is a strength that comes from reaching deep, deep down into the darkest corners of your soul, surviving things you never thought you could handle. You might not come out unscathed, but hopefully the bumps and bruises will heal, and the scars won’t last forever. Not all of you think that I handled this situation with grace and poise, but some of you do, and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. 
And now, to reply to your comments:
Melissa: No matter how hurt you are, no one has the right to destroy another person's name in such a public fashion. This is shameful, and Erica just earned my sympathies. Megan Marks should be careful that she doesn't get a lawsuit brought against her. There's nothing heroic about this.
Me: My goal has never been to hurt or destroy anyone but there is nothing sympathetic about a person who ruins someone else's relationship. I haven't uttered a bad word against either party but readers have a right to know what other opinions are out there.
Melissa: Erica wasn't the one in a relationship with you; Kit was. The only people who can ruin a relationship are the ones who are in it. Erica was a tertiary player at best, and while she isn't a sympathetic person to you, for obvious reasons, some common sense has to come into play here. Megan should take this site down, without question. She can't justify a website like this.
Me: I can't explain her motives or even tell you when it was written. I'm still undecided how I fell about it. Part of me is humiliated. Part of me is flattered. For someone to stand up for a total stranger is gutsy but this seems to be her issue: it's not with the men who cheat, it's with the other women. We should all have each others' backs.
Sasha: Wow Kimberly Spice I really thought you were better than this... Why don't you put KIT'S whole name out there. He's the one who started this whole mess. I really would implore you or Megan Marks to take that site down. While what Erica did is of course not okay and completely selfish, it's also not okay to put someone's name out there. The same thing happened to me and I knew I couldn't go down to her level and be immoral like her. Instead I kicked that joke of a man to the CURB and never looked back. This is cyber bullying...and one of the worst I have ever seen. I work with students that face this everyday and while they might have done something to anger someone else, CYBER BULLYING is NEVER okay...this is not having your back. No matter how you look at it someone having your back would have been there for you emotionally and advised you that it damages your mental and emotional health to stay in this drama. Now your name and Megan marks' name is all over this horrible website. I'm truly disturbed by this because I deal with this on a weekly basis...
Me: I completely understand where you're coming from but think about it this way: it's my name too. If your boyfriend had cheated on you, curled up in your arms every night while he was saying the things he said to that woman, would you publish that? I think not. I emailed a few friends and fans with it last year as a reminder to myself of his betrayal, hoping to stay strong. But I didn't make it public knowledge. I was the one who got cheated on. It was my heart that was broken. And this is hard for me too.
Sasha: You have to take responsibility for your part in this - no one would have known that site existed had you not posted it for us all to see. It's like saying 'hey everybody there's a huge wreck outside and don't go to look at it.' I have been there in a situation much like yours like I said but I'm just saying that its wrong to put that out there and then endorse this type of bullying. You are a public figure due to your blog and are entitled but I just could not stand by and say nothing. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find someone that has dignity and and treats you right.
Me: I take full responsibility for posting the link to my blog BUT I struggled with the decision all day . It didn't come lightly and I'm still torn. Still, she did something brave and stood up for me which I can't ignore either. I'm not saying I agree with it or condone it but I do appreciate that she meant well. Thank you for expressing your opinions and for the well wishes. It really means a lot.
Laura R: Okay, I don't care or agree with anything anyone said. I am HAPPY you posted this. I have been lied to and cheated on countless times and I think it's more than fine to put this up. You didn’t write this. And on top of all that, everyone was on your side when you wrote about her in the break up blog, but now everyone wants to bash you? Yeah okay, that's stupid. Thank you for putting this up. I'd say just delete all the negative reactions you are getting, or remove the people who are commenting telling you they lost respect for you or whatever. How can anyone pity the "other woman" esp when she knows for a fact that man is taken... These women bashing you and saying you are a bully, are probably THE OTHER WOMAN.
Me: I totally get where you’re coming from and THANK YOU for understanding. You’re right that nobody threw a stink in October when the situation first arose, but I don’t blame them for being upset about it now. The in between time has given readers - if not me - a chance to forget about Kit. I only wish I could do the same. I would never delete the “negative” responses though because the whole premise of my writing is leveling with you guys. To do that, everyone gets a chance to share their opinions. They won’t always agree with me and that’s ok. Nobody has strapped them to a chair and forced them to read 100 Cups of Coffee. It’s like tv - if you don’t enjoy the show, CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!
Andrea: Kim, when you started this site, didnt you agree to share the GOOD and the BAD AND the UGLY? This is actually what you are doing. The world is watching you drink 100 cups of coffee and taking it in, and then bashing you for showing others remarks??? Did they bash you with Mr pinfeathers??? (no we laughed) Did they bash you with Macman???? (no, they wished you well) Readers need to realize that this is exactly what it is... your life now A BLOG about divorce, lost relations, dates, happiness, and laughter. Smile Kim... do not apologize for the actions of the Megans, or Kits, or Ericas of the world. Slander by definition is any false or defamatory words spoken about a person; when one hurts another in words or gestures by being UNTRUTHFUL... you have proof. In addition, opinions which are stated are not that of your doing. Be strong. Continue to share ALL!
Me: Yes, I did and I’m holding to that promise. Am I embarrassed to admit I caved in my convictions to kick Kit to the curb? Yes, a little. But readers deserve to know that I was willing to overlook his flaws, his mistakes, his bad judgement - and he made them all over again which is NOT ok. I share everything with you guys because I know that somewhere, someone has gone through (or is still going through) the same things I am and it just helps knowing that they’re not alone. Thank you for the support, the love and the laughter. You’re my rock!
Melissa: To Laura and Andrea: I wasn't bashing Kim in the slightest. But to compare Megan's blog to Kim's post about "Mr. Pinfeathers" is insane. It's not remotely the same thing. Quite honestly, it makes Kim look really bad. Every woman who's been cheated on gets a vicarious thrill when another woman gets revenge on a louse of an ex. But Sasha's right. If I hadn't seen this on Kim's page, I never would've known about it, so Kim is doing nothing to stop this madness, just perpetuating it. The relationship is over. Deal with it, but don't drag someone's name and reputation down just because you have a blog and are still so hurt that you use a public forum to exact your vengeance. If people Google Erica's name and see Megan's blog, that could affect her future terribly. Yes, her role in this was bad, but does she deserve to pay for this forever? No. Kim and Kit were the ones in the relationship. Put the blame where it belongs and move on. I've been cheated on, too. I've been hurt, too. The blame belongs on the guy who said he loved me.
Me: You’re *absolutely* right --- the blame belongs on the guy who said he loved me.
Laura A: Wow - this is crazy. I believe the best justice in this matter is to no longer give Kit and Erica any more attention. Let's never mention them again and let them be on their way - they'll get theirs some day. As I say that, by not mentioning them anymore, will help Kim in her healing process and allow her to move on. As for the whole slander thing, Megan should be careful. Megan posted the truth but remember - once its on the internet - it will always be out there.  Come on ladies - this blog is about our loves, our lost, our tears and our laughter. We shouldn't be after each other like this. Let us ALL move on and forget Kit and Erica - life has something in store for people like that. We love you Kim.
Me: I truly appreciate and respect all of your comments and concerns regarding Megan's blog yesterday. I chose to post it to my facebook and I take responsibility for that. The heart makes wild decisions when it's broken. While I cannot take down the web page itself, I am removing the link from this site. You can of course, still find it through my blog should you choose to read it. Thank you all for the support you have shown me and the encouragement to move on. With love always, Kimberly Spice
Christi: All's fair in betrayal and internet. There should be such a thing as a "betray-o-meter" that weighs all of the circumstances involved and gives an accurate reading of whether a second chance might be advisable or even possible. Until then we will have to deal with our emotions which constantly prove to be wildly erratic and dangerously balanced toward making bad choices. Even after betrayal we heal, as long as we move forward :)
Me: All’s fair in love and war. It’s just that now, both love and war take place on the internet :-)
Christine: I have a name for her to add to her list. Don't be ashamed. If they are willing to do the crime, they should be subjected to the consequences.
Me: I think she’s taking suggestions for names. From what I gather, mine is not the first “other woman” situation she’s exposed, and I’m guessing won’t be the last!
Krista Lynn: I also have to wonder how Megan was able to obtain these conversations. While Kit has proven himself to be the pig we know he is, she has not proven much better of herself. I have a Ms. Piggy of my own. I loathe her. But I don't have the courage enough to post what you or Megan have posted. I live vicariously through you in that way, lol
Me: I emailed a few friends and readers when I found the chats in the Fall. I copied and pasted the messages (found on my own laptop) for two reasons: to ask if they thought it was cheating and to help me stay strong. Some people think it's not cheating on the Internet. I do. Some people think I could forgive Kit / take him back. It's just not an option anymore :-(
Misty: I guess that is no solidarity in sisterhood. I would never knowingly do that to another woman, regardless of how I felt about the dude. And if a dude said he loved me, I would be crushed that he would go date someone closer. I guess I hold love I a higher regard. Sometimes second chances aren't a bad thing, Kim. But the person getting it needs to be truly worth it. I am sure you felt he was, I'm sure of it. The fact that he couldn't just be a stand up guy for you the first time and especially after you decided to give him another chance just proves how stupid he is not you. You just proved that people with a good heart and truly love someone else doesn't just give up, they try again.
Me: The lesson here is never fall for a man who won’t stand up for you.
Diana: Hi Kim! I just read about yesterday. I am so very sorry. I too gave undeserved second and even third chances. Please know that it really is possible to forget or at the very least, remember only the bad freaking memories. That was when I knew I was over my scum bag, every time I think of him (it would be a lie to say I don't) it is all bad and leaves me with nothing but a bitter taste. 
Me: Oh, good. I was staring to think I was the only girl in the world who ever considered taking back her cheating, lying, no good ex! Thanks for letting ME know I’m not alone!!! Lol
Stefanie: Um... I just read that and I have chills.. you're amazing!
Sara: Love you girl. Hold that head up high
Me: Stef & Sara - you are my life support. Thank you for helping me stay strong, always! 
Jen: Kit is an uncaring, using dirtbag, no doubt. I've read your blog for a while now, and I really feel for you. However. I am going to say that is way out of bounds to publish their actual names, and their private conversations. Kit cheated on you. Kit did, not this girl. This girl has no reason to be loyal to you, and you and others destroying her on the internet, which could affect her in a million different ways... and may even affect her employment is wrong. Worse, it is immature. We've all had our hearts broken, and the way that you've put all of this out there in vivid detail says much more about you then it does about either of them.
Me: I completely understand what you're saying and you are absolutely right. What I published says A LOT about my character. The thing is that I've been pushed around for 30 years and I have never fought back, not once. When Kit & I broke up in September, and realized how much we still loved & missed each other, I called Erica and begged her to back off. She promised me she would never speak to him again, never chat with anyone else like this again, never destroy another relationship again (especially mine!) She was just as responsible in the breaking of promises and the stabbing of back as he was. That aside, this blog is my confessional, my dear diary if you will. I wanted to explain to you all that I wasn't always as strong as I'd like to be but I don't know a single woman out there who hasn't *considered* the possibility of taking back her stinking, lying, no good boyfriend or husband. We deserve better than men who disrespect us, men who walk all over us, men who treat us like crap. I gave him a second chance and I got knocked down for it. I have never hit anyone first, but I finally hit back. You don't have to agree with my actions, I don't expect that everyone will and that's ok. But maturity comes in all different forms. Right now, the mature thing to do is walk away. And so I am.
Jen: You are much better of without him. No question. My concern is that you have taken for granted that this heartbreak, and this pain will fade. You'll meet someone else, you'll move on, and it won't hurt anymore. However. Even if Megan Marks pulls that site down, even if you go through and delete every instance where you chose to use this girls real name, when you google her, screenshots of those pages will still exist. So, 2 years from now, when I really hope you'll be living your happily ever after with the right guy... she'll still be screwed. Did she really deserve a life sentence? Because even skimming through the conversations I get the sense that she really loves Kit, and that he was leading her on and lying to her. Kit is hurting her too.... where is the solidarity? (Which for the record, I think is a fairy tale). Good luck Kim.
Sara: I love you but Jen actually has as much of a point as you do. Once on the Internet always on the Internet. What if her kids read that someday.....or her hopeful future employer? You know I'm all for the revenge but once the dust settles it WAS a private conversation now made VERY public.
Me: Jen, the sad fact is that she met him once, four years ago. They’ve had an internet “friendship” since then --- whereas he and I had a serious, in person relationship for six months, to the point that we were living together and planning a wedding. I understand that she has very little self-worth, enough to whore herself out to a man who degrades her online and for that, I truly feel sorry for her. She seems to think she doesn’t deserve real love, or a real relationship and that’s horrible. But she knew he was with me, why would she *continue* to devalue herself and engage in a taken man? It’s not a fairy tale, but I do believe in true love and happy endings. Maybe not the storybook kind but something even better.
Muzette: First, I hate that you've had to go through this. It is painful, hurtful, it destroys trust, and makes has the ability to make you cynical. It sucks that Kit wasn't the guy for you, although at first he looked like he was. I've been through this, and I too, left the door open a crack. And I too, got burned again. I was embarrassed and so mad at myself. But I learned. And apparently I had to go through that lesson again to completely learn what I needed to learn. I hope you are able to walk away from Kit and Erica and learn from this and not let someone who has the potential to hurt you like that ever hurt you again. The people we let in our heart know how to hurt us the most - but the ones that truly love us don't use that against us. Cheers to you for not hibernating (which I tend to do), but putting it all out there -the good, the bad and the ugly, owning it and trying to be stronger because of it. You will make it and you will look back one day and be eternally grateful that the "kit" people in your life are gone and left room for that new magnificent person you will have.
Me: Thank you, that’s so incredibly sweet. Not a lot of people understand how humiliating it is to be cheated on, as though it’s a reflection of the person you are, as though you aren’t a good enough girlfriend to be loyal to. What I’ve learned from this is that I was a terrific girlfriend to Kit, better than anything he could have hoped for and better than anything he’d ever had before. He told me on a regular basis that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him (as I’m sure you were to your ex as well.) The cheating was his fault, and it is a reflection of his character, not mine. I don’t question a single move I made in our relationship and I don’t regret how much I loved him. He just wasn’t worthy of it, but someday, a man will be...that much I know.
V: Guess what, haters? Kit entered this relationship with Kim with FULL KNOWLEDGE that he was seeing a DATING BLOGGER. Hence HIS OWN POST ON HER BLOG. By extension, Erica knows too. Sucks for Kit that he was too stupid, careless, and arrogant to continue these kinds of communications with Erica, the whole time undermining Kim's care and love, and taking advantage of it and her, and underestimating her intelligence, while he is clearly a LOSER WITH NO JOB. He is a USER.  At the end of the day, Kim is a blogger and has been forthright about her dating life from the inception of this goddamn website. Kit knew about it. He exposed both himself and Erica to the scrutiny of anyone who reads this blog, be it Kim's friends, his friends, or strangers to both. KIT is to blame. Feel sorry for Erica, but don't blame Kim for her exposure.  Where is Erica now? Likely hiding under a rock, probably has deleted her Facebook page, and it no doubt sucks to be her. But LOOK at what she willingly participated in. LOOK at what she did. Is Kit with HER now? Is she Kit's "slut" now? WAS IT WORTH IT??? She is not AS much to blame as Kit, but a disgusting pawn. Erica is pathetic, a lovelorn, whatever the female version of 'cuckolded' is.   But Kit is more pathetic. Sucks that Kit is a horrible example of men, that this is not even that unique of a story, and that one more fabulous lady has to add distrust to her arsenal of feelings/emotions.   It sucks for Erica too. You want this man, Erica? You think you'll ever have him? Was it all worth it?
Me: Um, I know I don’t know you, but I kinda love you. THANK YOU for that!!! (PS: No, they’re not together. Surprise, surprise!)
Misha: Correct me if I'm wrong, but the first time, the chatting was happening on Facebook where it publicly said that Kit and Kim were dating. So if she doesn't want her dirty laundry (Erica) aired, then perhaps she shouldn't have carried on with someone that it wasn't her business to carry on with. Someone that she knew was otherwise with someone that wasn't her.  The old adage is you lose them the way you get them...she picked him up by him being a lying cheating bastard, he's going to do it to her as well and she's only got herself to blame.
Me: Yes, we were “in a relationship” on Facebook, not to mention posting on each other’s walls every single day. Things like “Know what makes my whole day better? You do!!!” and photos of everything we did together. Pictures from family parties, bbq’s with friends, the botanical gardens, walking around the city, etc etc. Anyone who knew us knew for a fact that we were madly in love. Erica chose to ignore the fact that he was publicly in a relationship with me, and hunt after him anyway. Which (in my humble opinion) makes her equally accountable!
Anon: I hope for your sake that the door stays sealed shut from now on.
Me: Oh, IT WILL!!!
Anon: You are so much better off without him.
Me: It took me a long time to see that but I 100% know it now :-)


  1. I have stopped myself from commenting on this blog or contacting you at all. However, I have to chime in my support for you, Kim. You've been through the wringer, and I cannot send you enough empathy.

    I found your blog by googling she who should not be named. We were extremely close friends for much of our college years and beyond. The reason I am commenting now is because of the mixed reviews of Megan's blog and how you have shared this woman's full name with the internet.

    This woman has done this before, and that is much the reason our very close relationship ended. She fully went after a married man on facebook, and would show me much the same conversations/emails as you found between Kit and herself. I couldn't bear seeing her do this to a woman, and I'm sickened that she is still behaving this way. Perhaps this exposure is what she needs to finally take a good, long look in the mirror.

    Kim, I'm so sorry you went through this. You are, and will continue to grow, so much stronger for it.

  2. All I can say is... It's YOUR decision what to do about the situation and NO ONE has the right to tell you what to say or not to say... what name's to use or not to use. For all those women saying don't publish this woman's name... what until it happens to you. See how well you take it! IT TAKES TWO to commit adulterous conversations. Words have power beyond physical actions... and honestly 99.9% of the time men who are emailing or sexting or whatever the hell they want to call it are in fact either physically crossing the line too... or right about to. The other woman is NOT innocent. She knows damn well how much damage she's doing... and the BEST revenge on the planet is to let the bitch have him! Kit was just another worthless waste-of-space LEECH like my ex... and I don't have any problem with throwing his name or his whore's out on the internet on my personal space whether that be Facebook or my website. Maybe it can save the NEXT victim by knowing what I didn't!