Monday, January 16, 2012

Cat Lady

Everyone has fears in life. Fear of flying, fear of snakes, fear of dying alone. My biggest fear in life is turning into the crazy eHarmony Cat Lady from YouTube.

Before we continue, if you haven't seen the Cat Lady video, treat yourself to two and a half minutes of bliss here:

I know what you're thinking. That canNOT be real. She's an actress, right? A better-than-most-Hollywood-A-Listers actress. The tears, the extreme emotion, the insane affection for all things feline.

And yet it is. Cara is just another single girl trying to make it work in the online dating world. Yes, her affinity for small, furry creatures in bow ties and baskets is frightening. Yes, their ears and noses and whiskers are cute...but come on! They're not that cute. We've all got our soft spots for kittens and rainbows but this??? This is too much.

Still, despite MBA from Villanova (I call bull shit on that one) and the runny mascara (waterproof, sweetheart, it's the only way to go!) are Cara and I really all that different? I already own three cats and a dog. I'm one bad blind date away from rainbows, baskets, and bow ties. Aren't I?

Let's examine the evidence. Cara is probably a girl (about my age) who has been hurt by guys before. She's trying online dating for the first time and just wants to see who's out there. She's hopeful she'll find love again, praying to meet "The One." She's sitting at home on a Friday night with the tv flickering in the background making a personal ad video instead of going out dancing with her girlfriends because frankly, if God intended for us to go out with actual humans, reality television wouldn't be so gosh-darned entertaining!

Ok, ok, I'm sorry. It's just that I have to wonder - when making a personals ad, wouldn't one think to turn off the tv set? She isn't even looking at the camera, so glued is she to what I can only assume to be Animal Planet. Also, a hairbrush would come in handy right about now. She's got that "just rolled out of bed" look and not in a sexy way. Cara does get bonus points for cleavage but I sense that her breastiness was not on purpose, just the universe's way of blessing her with some semblance of attractiveness to counter balance all the crazy talk.

Some people are pretty to look at without having to say a word. In this case, she might be better off.

Alright, alright, I get it, I'm sorry. I want to feel bad for this chick, I really do. I understand how hard it is out there and finding a good man is no easy task. Trust me, I am in her shoes and so are most of you. That's the whole point of this blog, that we're in it together. You have wacky dating stories, I have wacky dating stories. It's like Divine Secrets of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Boyfriend.

But she's not crying over a man. She's crying over freakin kittens.

In all fairness, cats do provide unconditional love, have very low expectations, require nothing but food, water, a clean litter box, and occasional petting. Cats are independent yet appreciative of a good belly rub. They have short term memories, warm bodies, and...wait a minute...cats are starting to sound an awful lot like men!

That aside, what a man does need is a woman who is emotionally stable. Can she break down when the shit really hits the fan? Of course, and any decent guy will be there with a shoulder for her to cry on. When her heart is broken, when she loses a loved one, when she's completely stressed out at work, (when her laptop crashes!) But if I've learned anything, it's that the unstable girls typically don't end up with any guy worth having.

So Cara, my advice to you is to put yourself out there. Make another go of it, make another video, post another profile. Talk about the things that really make you happy, not sobbing like a hurt schoolchild on the playground. See a therapist, buy a new sweater, take a curling iron to that hair. Put on some upbeat music, turn off Animal Rescue 911, and discover that the world is full of good things. Is it full of homeless cats who need a loving family to adopt them? Yes, it is. It's also full of war and famine and sickness and depression and a million other things we could let get to us every single day. I'm not saying don't think about it. I'm not saying don't let it affect you. I'm just saying that letting your freak flag fly before the first date isn't the greatest way to *get* a first date.

Rolling around in your bed with a house full of cats on a rainbow? Definite freak flag.

PS: Did you seriously say "I promised myself I wouldn't cry!" Oh, honey...


  1. You HAVE to watch this!