Thursday, January 19, 2012

When One Door Closes

My dearest readers,

I have not been completely honest with you. But I'm about to be. Hope you're ready.

You come to this blog for faith, for hope, for support. You come to read about my dating disasters, my ups and downs, and my humorous approach to romance in the age of technology. You read for inspiration. You read to know you're not alone. You read because there is someone out there who is going through the same thing you are and understands that love is neither easy nor perfect. You read because I get you.

In the past two years, I have been painfully honest with you. I've confessed to crapping my khaki pants on a date in the park. I've admitted to being the girl ballsy enough to ask out her crush on Twitter for millions of viewers to see, and humble enough to acknowledge when I got turned down. I've recalled the intimate moments of a marriage gone wrong, a heart broken, lives torn apart. You know when I am eating a bowl of cereal at my kitchen counter for dinner because I cannot bring myself to cook a meal for one.

You know all this and you (hopefully) love me anyway.

Actually, I think that many of you adore this blog because of - and not in spite of - my flaws. I'm not perfect. I'm not some Hollywood starlet or New York society girl whining about not having a boyfriend. Some Saturday nights, I am perfectly content staying home with a bottle of wine, a box of cookies, and a full lineup on my Netflix. Do I enjoy dating? Usually, yes. Do I dress up, go out, have fun, make friends, meet men, and put myself out there on a daily basis? Also yes. Somewhere in between these worlds exists a girl who manages to stay sane and strong in the face of heartbreak, in the face of everything crumbling around her.

I am holding it together because you - the readers - make me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I am forever indebted to your encouragement, love and support.

This is why I owe you an explanation about my moment of weakness. We all have them. It's just that I've been remiss in sharing mine with you.

When Kit and I broke up in September, I thought my world was over. Life as I knew it, the future we'd started to build together, was gone. Suddenly, all those dreams of a Disney wedding and quiet home and kids playing soccer had vanished right before my eyes. I came home to an apartment he no longer lived in --- because I'd kicked him out. I had made the choice to end our relationship and it's no exaggeration to say that the decision took me less than 30 seconds to make.

Find out Kit is cheating.
Call him screaming and crying.
Tell him not to come back.
Pack his belongings.
Write FUCK YOU on every box in black Sharpie.
Wait for him to pick up his stuff.

The next line should read: Never look back. I wish it did. I wish more than anything that I had the strength to say without a doubt that I didn't regret my decision. That I didn't question it every single day from then until now.

The heart is a curious thing, you see. When you love someone as much as I loved Kit, when you're as happy as I was with him, when you see the shore line coming up on the horizon, you don't ever want to let that go. The heart, even in its broken state, will try to fix things, rationalize them, make them better. The heart is always the champion of love, even when the mind tries to dissuade it. I am someone who has always followed my heart - often against my better judgement - often against advice of friends and family - and I've gotten hurt. I've gotten kicked in the face more times than I can count. The only thing I do know is that I always get back up bigger, tougher, and more determined than before.

My mind knew that what Kit did was wrong. Without a doubt, absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. But my heart...oh my heart ached for him in ways I didn't know was possible. It felt like a piece of me was missing when he was gone. Not something vital like a liver or a lung, but something incredibly noticeable like an arm or a leg. A visible piece of you that you technically could live without but you wouldn't want to and life would never be the same.

So instead of slamming the door closed in his face, I left it open a crack. I hoped against all odds that he would see the light, that he would change, that the error of his ways would overtake his conscience, he'd grow up, and we could work things out. I believed that if we both wanted it enough, if we could find it in our hearts to accept and forgive each other, we'd be ok. My double-sided virtue and vice is that I look for the good in people. I want to see it. In my experience, you can find anything if you look for it hard enough. I ignored my instincts that Kit had betrayed me and would do it again. I let him talk me into giving him a second chance.

I had only been entertaining the thought for a little while, flip flopping back and forth on my decision. I couldn't come to a complete conviction either way, so I left room for either possibility. He would grow up, change into the man I believed him capable of being, I would forgive him and we would move on OR I couldn't bring myself to trust him again and would have to let him go for the good of everyone involved.

We talked, mostly through text or facebook, and I saw him a few times. I tried to keep an open mind but my heart betrayed me. My face clearly lit up the moment he was in the room and all my logic went out the window. I was still the smitten kitten I'd been since Day One with Kit, except that now I was skittish around him too, making for a whirlpool of emotional turmoil.

We had some intense conversations about our future, analyzed our past, and he seemed truly ready to learn from it. He said all the things I wanted to hear, knowing that I loved him enough to take him back eventually. It was a matter of time. My entire family was livid at him. My friends hated him for what he put me through. Even his friends offered me comfort and condolences for his actions. They apologized on his behalf when he couldn't do it himself.

Just when I thought everything was going well and maybe - just maybe - I could really open up and let myself trust him again, another bomb blew up in my face. You see, Kit hasn't had a full time job in several years, so to save him some money, I'd put his phone number on my plan. I know, I know, combining finances seems crazy after only six months of dating but please remember that I *thought* I was going to marry this man and we were already living together. Sadly, he hasn't had the money since we broke up to pay for his own plan either, so I've been covering the expense for both of us. Yes, I am THAT BIG of a pushover.

When I logged on to the AT&T website this morning to pay the phone bill, I noticed that his text messages were *way* over their norm. Typically, who he talks to is his business and I don't care but I had to know how I sent 747 texts last month and he sent over 2,048! There it was, on my phone bill, page after page after page of text messages sent back and forth between Kit and Erica Whats-her-fuck-ski.

Are you fucking kidding me???

Over 1,400 texts between them this month alone. He's been emailing / texting / calling / facebooking me with the right hand and chatting with her *again* with the left. It's like building a sand castle with one hand and digging out from under it with the other. Who does that???

I was shaking uncontrollably. My mouth went dry and my limbs went weak. My head was pounding and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. How could this be happening again? Had I allowed it to? Or was he really just that stupid?

Two things happened at the end of this story: The first is that I Googled Erica's name and came up with this blog written by Megan Marks Here, Megan thanks me for being her dating inspiration and venerates Erica for KNOWINGLY being Kit's mistress.

Megan, whoever you are, wherever you are, I cannot thank you enough for your kind words about me and my writing. I couldn't bring myself to post anything on here about her and Kit after the fact. You did what I never would have had the courage to do.

Secondly, I used Kit's credit card to pay off the phone bill.

Door officially closed.


  1. UM I just read that and I have chills.. you're amazing!

  2. Love you girl. Hold that head up high

  3. Kit is an uncaring, using dirtbag, no doubt. I've read your blog for a while now, and I really feel for you. However. I am going to say that is way out of bounds to publish their actual names, and their private conversations.

    Kit cheated on you. Kit did, not this girl. This girl has no reason to be loyal to you, and you and others destroying her on the internet, which could affect her in a million different ways... and may even affect her employment is wrong. Worse, it is immature. We've all had our hearts broken, and the way that you've put all of this out there in vivid detail says much more about you then it does about either of them.

  4. Stef & Sara - you are my life support. Thank you for helping me stay strong, always!

    Jen, I completely understand what you're saying and you are absolutely right. What I published says A LOT about my character. The thing is that I've been pushed around for 30 years and I have never fought back, not once. When Kit & I broke up in September, and realized how much we still loved & missed each other, I called Erica and begged her to back off. She promised me she would never speak to him again, never chat with anyone else like this again, never destroy another relationship again (especially mine!) She was just as responsible in the breaking of promises and the stabbing of back as he was. That aside, this blog is my confessional, my dear diary if you will. I wanted to explain to you all that I wasn't always as strong as I'd like to be but I don't know a single woman out there who hasn't *considered* the possibility of taking back her stinking, lying, no good boyfriend or husband. We deserve better than men who disrespect us, men who walk all over us, men who treat us like crap. I gave him a second chance and I got knocked down for it. I have never hit anyone first, but I finally hit back. You don't have to agree with my actions, I don't expect that everyone will and that's ok. But maturity comes in all different forms. Right now, the mature thing to do is walk away. And so I am.

  5. First, I hate that you've had to go through this. It is painful, hurtful, it destroys trust, and makes has the ability to make you cynical. It sucks that Kit wasn't the guy for you, although at first he looked like he was. I've been through this, and I too, left the door open a crack. And I too, got burned again. I was embarrassed and so mad at myself. But I learned. And apparently I had to go through that lesson again to completely learn what I needed to learn. I hope you are able to walk away from Kit and Erica and learn from this and not let someone who has the potential to hurt you like that ever hurt you again. The people we let in our heart know how to hurt us the most - but the ones that truly love us don't use that against us. Cheers to you for not hibernating (which I tend to do), but putting it all out there -the good, the bad and the ugly, owning it and trying to be stronger because of it. You will make it and you will look back one day and be eternally grateful that the "kit" people in your life are gone and left room for that new magnificent person you will have.

  6. ^I love you but Jen Actually has as much of a point as you do. Once on the Internet always on the Internet. What if her kids read that someday.....or her hopeful future employer? You know I'm all for the revenge but once the dust settles it WAS a private conversation now made VERY public.

  7. Guess what, haters? Kit entered this relationship with Kim with FULL KNOWLEDGE that he was seeing a DATING BLOGGER. Hence HIS OWN POST ON HER BLOG. By extension, this "Erica" knows too. Sucks for Kit that he was too stupid, careless, and arrogant to continue these kinds of communications with Erica, the whole time undermining Kim's care and love, and taking advantage of it and her, and underestimating her intelligence, while he is clearly a LOSER WITH NO JOB. He is a USER.

    At the end of the day, Kim is a blogger and has been forthright about her dating life from the inception of this goddamn website. Kit knew about it. He exposed both himself and this Erica person to the scrutiny of anyone who reads this blog, be it Kim's friends, his friends, or strangers to both. KIT is to blame. Feel sorry for Erica, but don't blame Kim for her exposure.

    Where is Erica now? Likely hiding under a rock, probably has deleted her Facebook page, and it no doubt sucks to be her. But LOOK at what she willingly participated in. LOOK at what she did. Is Kit with HER now? Is she Kit's "slut" now? WAS IT WORTH IT??? She is not AS much to blame as Kit, but a disgusting pawn. Erica is pathetic, a lovelorn, whatever the female version of 'cuckolded' is.

    But Kit is more pathetic. Sucks that Kit is a horrible example of men, that this is not even that unique of a story, and that one more fabulous lady has to add distrust to her arsenal of feelings/emotions.

    It sucks for Erica too. You want this man, Erica? You think you'll ever have him? Was it all worth it?

  8. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the first time, the chatting was happening on Facebook where it publicly said that Kit and Kim were dating. So if she doesn't want her dirty laundry (Erica) aired, then perhaps she shouldn't have carried on with someone that it wasn't her business to carry on with. Someone that she knew was otherwise with someone that wasn't her.

    The old adage is you lose them the way you get them...she picked him up by him being a lying cheating bastard, he's going to do it to her as well and she's only got herself to blame.

  9. I hope for your sake that the door stays sealed shut from now on.

  10. You are so much better off without him.

  11. You are much better of without him. No question. My concern is that you have taken for granted that this heartbreak, and this pain will fade. You'll meet someone else, you'll move on, and it won't hurt anymore. However. Even is Megan Marks pulls that site down, even if you go through and delete every instance where you chose to use this girls real name, when you google her, screenshots of those pages will still exist.

    So, 2 years from now, when I really hope you'll be living your happily ever after with the right guy... she'll still be screwed. Did she really deserve a life sentence? Because even skimming through the conversations I get the sense that she really loves Kit, and that he was leading her on and lying to her. Kit is hurting her too.... where is the solidarity? (Which for the record, I think is a fairy tale).

    Good luck Kim.

  12. I unfortunately can relate all too well to all of this.

    I was getting a divorce and started talking and seeing a man who was charming and funny and supportive. He told me he loved me and I had fallen in love with him as well. Things seemed to be going so well.

    Then, I got the feeling that something shifted in our relationship. I researched my hunch online and caught him sleeping with another lady and confronted him.

    What happened....he broke it off with me and broke my heart. In the end, I was used for sex, I realize now I was the "back-up" and I am much smarter about who I date, have learned to slow down and take my time before I get involved with someone sexually. Am I dating now? No, I am still love-sick over this guy who uses women for sex like they are his personal toys. Is my issue with the "other woman"? No and it never has been. He is the one with the emotional maturity of a child. When I last spoke with him, my words were "just do the right thing.".

    As women, we need to stop worrying about men who are not worth our time, learn to be happy with or without them and let them PROVE that they are worth us.

    Kim, my wish for you is to heal and know that there are good men out there. Just be your awesome self. :)

  13. Sadly, the only way to wisdom is through sheer stupidity. We've ALL been there. I don't care if women admit it or not... it if was just sex or being bilked out of thousands of dollars on our credit lines. All you can do is slam the door completely, go through the heartbreak and grieving... and work on your own life. Your OWN future... without anyone... because the odds of you having someone in this day and age for "forever" are sadly not good. I'm not saying don't date and don't have hope... but stop looking for a white picket fence and happy ending because it may not be what you're meant for. After 20 years of being single and looking for marriage and someone to start a life with... I'm battleworn. It takes a toll on your going through that much garbage. I still look for someone, but these days I'm not looking for forever, I'm just looking for happiness for a little while... and hopefully find a friend and lover. Forget moving in together... forget combining your life... it's too hard to recover from the financial disasters they leave you in and it's damn hard enough to pick yourself up from the emotional ones. YOU'RE NOT ALONE... There are millions of single women in the same state you are and I'm one of them. 41... and I live for ME now... not anyone else.