Saturday, January 7, 2012

Munchkin and Mr Pinfeathers

***Please note: This blog has been updated from its original version, following comments from YankFanAlways himself. I have no idea how he found my blog, but the sad truth is that these men exist and you can't make this stuff up!!!***

I know I haven't done this in a while, but I HAD to share this gem! Literally pee'd myself laughing. Literally.

Hey I really like your profile. I would like to get to know you better over a drink, dessert, or coffee or whatever you like to do. I am open to anything. I know of a cute cozy place we can go to get to know each other better.

Is "cute, cozy place" code for "they'll never find the body"??? Cause I'm already getting a stalker vibe...

I am a down-to-earth charming LOYAL man who loves to have fun and meeting new exciting people. I like to start out as friends first and if it blossoms to a meaningful deep relationship that may lead to bigger better things in the future, that is awesome!! If not, then that's fine, too! At least I made a New friend. Nobody deserves to be lonely. ONE NIGHT STANDS = SHALLOW!!! Sex is only good when feelings are mutual between two people.

It's true, nobody deserves to be lonely, yet I sense that he is indeed very, very lonely.

I am open to date any race..... I am very attracted to Asians and latinas! ;-) I find them exceptionally sweet and quite lovely, again... I am open to date any race. Asians and Latinas are my top two races. ;-)

In which of my pictures did you mistake me for either Asian or Latina??? I'm as pale as a Twilight vampire in direct sunlight and my hair is blonder than a Sweet Valley High cheerleader! PS: It doesn't seem very politically correct to have a "top two favorite races" --- I'm pretty sure a tiny German guy with an attitude and a funny walk got in trouble for just such a concept!

*** Updated message: Race is not important, but honesty and loyalty ARE! I am attracted to women with a few extra pounds. What I am looking for is somebody I can talk to, laugh with/ at, keep cozy during a movie eating kettle corn popcorn & sipping on some hot cocoa in the midst of a blizzard or have a playful snowball fight/ build a snowman/ build a snow fort in the park, and a special woman I can tell my mom, dad and the rest of my family about.***

Ok, so you're cool with me being white, but you just called me chubby??? We really need to talk about your approach with women!

I work as a sales representative in midtown Manhattan... Ladies.... Selling shoes!! (please no Al Bundy jokes! LOL) On my time off, I am just killing some time at Starbucks, Wholefoods, or just going out for a walk around SoHo.

A) Selling shoes at Christian Louboutin? Great job. Nothing to make fun of. Yet I get the sense he works at Payless.

B) Killing time at Starbucks or WholeFoods? Again, this seems like code for "stalking" no?

I'm not much into reading.

Women like their men literate, preferably on higher than a third grade level. If you can't read, or don't enjoy it, keep that to yourself for a while. Like, forever.

Not much into reality tv either, but I just started watching Operation Repo and Hardcore Pawn! I enjoy watching tv sitcoms, especially ones of the 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. I like shows like The Flintstones. I also am a fan of WWE and the superstars I am following on Twitter are The Rock, John Cena, The Miz because of their charisma.

So your television tastes span four decades? Not very specific, is it? Also, girls aren't typically fans of wrestling because we know it's FAKE. Thanks for telling me who you follow on Twitter though. That's a super-important factor in deciding whether or not I want to date you.

I love texting, online chatting, Facebook, and emailing. I also enjoy games like spades, chess, jenga, and scrabble!

You "love" texting??? Nobody "loves" texting. We also don't "love" chatting or emailing or facebooking. We do it as a detached form of social interaction but most people "love" actual human contact. Real, live connections. Try it sometime! Also, Jenga? Is that even still around?

My top 5 movies are: star wars, back to school, ferris bueller's day off, the breakfast club, the karate kid (the original ones) and anything with Adam Sandler.


I'll eat pretty much anything except Yams, candy corn, cotton candy, and muenster cheese.

You won't eat Candy Corn? I can't date you. Sorry, dude. Just too weird.

My Pet Peeves are: dirty dishes in the sink, body odor like someone hasn't used soap, water, and deodorant in quite some time (that smell makes me gag), bad breath (pop a tic-tac in your mouth. It's easy!), slow walkers in front of me (except the elderly or have a disability), people bumping into me WITHOUT saying "excuse me" and/ or "sorry", no soap in a PUBLIC restroom, bottlenecking at stairs or escalators. People (especially tourists) blocking an entrance or monopolizing the sidewalk while talking.

So basically, you're a germaphobe with OCD about personal hygiene and a pedestrian sense of road rage? Awesome.

I could never live without Munchkin (my cat), Mr. Pinfeathers & Mr. Grey One (my birds), my wallet, coffee in the morning, water, music, deodorant/ cologne/axe body spray, toothpaste/ toothbrush, soap & shampoo/ conditioner, Burt's Bees lip balm, my Android Smartphone, music, and you!! ;-)

I beg you, on everything that is holy in this world, please, please be kidding.

I hope to hear back from you soon. Take care. ~YankFanAlways

Seeing as I could not reply with my *actual* thoughts, YankFanAlways will not, in fact, be hearing from me anytime soon. But men, if you're out there, and if you're thinking I was harsh on poor Mr Pinfeathers, please consider your own persona when reading over profiles. What may seem normal and harmless to you comes across to others as borderline psychotic. Ask yourself this question when writing a profile: Is this specific piece of information going to land me a date? Is this something a girl really and truly needs to know about me? Will this make her want to meet me or send her sprinting the other direction? I don't care that YankFan dislikes muenster cheese (I'm not a fan of Swiss) - it's the way that he felt the need to emphasize his particular taste in yellow / orange food items that worries me. That he wants an Asian or Latina girl with a few extra pounds, who enjoys kettle corn and the Flintstones is VERY SPECIFIC and it's not fair to expect someone new to live up to his extremely detailed romantic fantasy. In dating, the rule is to be yourself. I'm all for letting your freak flag fly...but maybe wait til you've met the girl and she's positively smitten with you to describe your affinity for Axe deodorant and Scrabble.

And this is why I am single...

***Please see comment from YankFanAlways at 8 am on Christmas morning at bottom of page. Enjoy!***


  1. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!! I love the "5"!

  2. First of all, I don't know who do you think you are to this without permission. Second, I don't work in payless, you're probably some unemployed scum with no life whatsoever! Third, I don't have a third grade reading level. You probably do! Fourth, I have a lot of human contact. I don't want to date you either, you creep!