Baby Steps

After three weeks and one hundred five emails, I am so entranced by the man on the other side of the computer that I cannot help but be a little more forward than befits a "lady." I know that we should allow men to make the first move - it's the hunter in them that loves the chase. Yet I went way out of my comfort zone and sent Kit one more message...my phone number. He sent his back within a matter of minutes and I stared at the screen, frozen with fear. I had been so bold in sending him mine, hoping he'd call that I never imagined he'd reply with his own. Now it was a political debate. Does he expect me to call him first? Am I waiting for his call? Should I text instead?

Dilemma.

There are a few times in a girl's life that she should throw public opinion out the window. I bucked expectations by sending him the first message online. I shed my inhibitions when offering my phone number. Protocol be damned - I was getting on the phone with him immediately.

At least, the confident part of me was...

There was still this weak little girl inside me, questioning every move I made. I wanted to be proud. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to feel as forward as I was acting. Someone much wiser than me once said: Fake it til you make it. I don't think I understood that saying at the time, but basically it boils down to acting, dressing, looking, and sounding like how you want to feel. If you act meek and timid, you will feel meek and timid. But if you act, walk, talk, dress, and sound strong, confident and beautiful, then eventually you will feel like the smart, sexy, successful woman you want to be. The woman you want other people to see. The woman who attracts a great man because he can't help himself from falling for her. I want to be *that* woman.

Not wanting to ignore either of my instincts, I blended my fear with my resolve and came up with a compromise - a text message that very simply read "Baby Steps." It wasn't a phone call but it wasn't nothing (I am past the age where I can continue allowing myself to do nothing) and I felt good. I put the phone down with a smile on my face when it lit up with a prompt reply that read "Baby steps :-)"

Yes, we were still hiding behind the safety of modern technology and technically, they were still words on a screen but suddenly, I felt closer to Kit than I knew what to do with. He wasn't just some guy on the other end of a computer. Now he was a guy at a Yankee game, sending me pictures of the view from his seat, the players on the field, updating me on the score and telling his friend he was talking to "a girl" (cue soap opera music here!) He was just as excited to bounce sentiments back and forth with me as I was with him and I loved feeling like a part of his day. Not some figment of his imagination he could return to at night and find waiting in gmail. A real person who he could communicate with a the touch of a button, any time of day.

The texts became more and more frequent. He'd always open with "Good morning, Sunshine" and end each evening with "Good night. Sweet dreams." I filled him in on both the exciting and mundane part of my days. My story got accepted to a national magazine!!! (Exciting.) I'm having pasta with salad for dinner. (Mundane.) I bought a fab new dress for my birthday bash! (Exciting - ok maybe only for girls?) Planted the herbs in the garden today. (Mundane.)

It quickly became apparent that texting with Kit had in fact, become part of my days. Often times, it was the best part. His messages never failed to make me smile, his surprising observations in the world always made me laugh. He comforted and consoled me when I needed it, responding in the manner of a true friend. My phone was rarely (if ever) out of my hand but I didn't feel like one of those women waiting for the phone to ring. I didn't have to be. He'd send me a quick "Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you" and my entire face would light up with adoration. Because let's face it: there aren't too many more wonderful feelings in the world than knowing an amazing man is thinking about you and smiling.

Even when you're taking baby steps.