Ode to Speed Dating

Twas the night before V-Day and all through the bar
Speed daters had come from near and from far
They came from Manhattan, from Brooklyn, from Queens
They came wearing dresses, or t-shirts and jeans
They ordered their beer, their wine and mixed drinks
To calm down their nerves and nausea, methinks
Girls came in groups of two, three or four
Each one was hungry and looking to score
I went in a cackling coven of five
Everyone stared at us once we arrived
For it sucks when someone likes you - not your friend
But we do not fight over trifles like men
It was time to begin, the host rang the gong
Four minutes each date - for some, that’s too long
For others, too short but those dates are few
When you wish he would just stop staring at you
Hello, nice to meet you, let’s make one thing clear
My breasts are down there - my eyes are up here
Smile, shake hands, and make some small talk
Then the women stay put and the men have to walk
Seventeen speed dates we had all in all
Ranged between thin, fat, short, and tall
Light-skinned and dark-skinned, blonde and brunette
Everyone wonder’ng how many “matches” they’d get
Halfway through the evening, there’s some time to mingle
The question arises: So why are you single?
You’re pretty / You’re smart / There’s no one like you!
Excuse me, I have to go use the loo
I meet some more guys: in sales, social work
One is a banker, one’s just a jerk
There are men from Chicago, Kuwait and Norway,
India, Canada and Sheepshead Bay
There are men who love reading, animals, travel
Each is a mystery I try to unravel
Some enjoy Scuba, trade shows, flying
The buffalo scientist is definitely lying
I smile at all of them, fingers crossed for one match
For I know in my heart that I’m a great catch
I’m here for the evening to have lots of fun
I don’t expect to find love or meet “the one”
It’d be great if tomorrow I wasn’t alone
But I have Netflix, wine and chocolate at home
I know I’ll survive another Valentine
Just in case though, I’m asking “Would you be mine?”