I woke up yesterday with cheers of joy caught in my throat. They startled me mid-dream, waking me from peaceful slumber. Waking up on the day you *think* is date night, only to realize you are twenty-four hours early is a bit like waking up thinking it's Christmas morning - the presents are under the tree, the stockings are full to the brim, the pancakes are bubbling away on the stovetop ready to be smothered in melting butter and hot maple syrup - except that the underskirt of the tree are still bare, the stockings are empty, and you're stuck having Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast again. It's Christmas Eve. You're early and inexplicably disappointed.
So yesterday, I threw off the covers and leaped out of bed with a song in my heart. But there was Mean Old Mr Calendar laughing at my song and my heart, taunting that I had wait yet another day for date night...sigh...
I even called my date to say how ridiculous I'd been. That I was so looking forward to our evening together, I tried to fast forward time by a whole day. Giggling at my silly, school-girl self, hoping he knew what I was really trying to say: I Like You.
We've been talking for what feels like forever, facebooking, texting, chatting on the phone. The conversation is always so easy, so natural, so light. He makes me laugh in a way I haven't in a good, long while. He's smart and funny and strong and tall and has a great job and a great family and I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up and just relax, take it easy, see where things go. I don't want to put any pressure on either of us to make something out of this. I'm just happy to spend some time with him. He seems to really look forward to spending time with me too. (Let's face it, I'm kind of awesome!)
So this morning was all systems GO!!! Shower, dry my hair, pick out my perfect outfit, give myself a pedicure. I even shaved my legs --- hey, you never know! That's when I get a text from him: Might not be able to make it tonight.
I'm really sorry. Can we please re-schedule for another time? I'll make it up to you, I promise.
The only thing worse than being truly disappointed by a man is pretending you aren't disappointed by a man.
Of course I tell him, sure, yeah, no problem, call me another time, we'll figure something out. But what I'm really sitting here doing is writing this blog in my bathrobe desperately trying not to cry.
I like him, you see. I got excited. I got my hopes up. I was finally thinking: Yay! A date with a guy I'm interested in. A guy who's not a loser. A guy with potential, promise, possibility. Someone to distract me from all the other idiots out there that don't stand a chance. Someone who makes me smile.
The thing is, I'm sure he has a good reason. They always have a good reason, don't they? He's not a total jerk trying to blow me off (I don't think) because I wouldn't be this upset about it if he was! It's just that we've tried getting together several times before and every single time we make "tentative plans," something inevitably comes up!
He has to work late (sorry), he's sick (sorry), he's studying for a test (sorry), he has a friend with an emergency (sorry), he'll be away on vacation (sorry), something always comes up! Stupid me, I always believe him because I am a big fan of giving someone "the benefit of the doubt" and because I like him so much, in my head he likes me that much too. But is he really just that busy? Or am I getting the brush off and I'm too smitten to see it???
Why am I telling you all of this? Because dating isn't always easy. It's not all roses and sunshine and walks in the park. It's excitement and nerves and disappointment and humor and heartbreak and hope and honesty all the way. Am I embarrassed to admit to the world I got stood up on a Friday night? Absolutely. But more than embarrassed, I'm upset. I'm upset at him for letting me down but I'm even more upset with myself for putting my trust in a man who hasn't earned it yet.
I had to talk to someone. My sister, Kat is brutally honest. Please understand that when I say "brutally honest" I mean just that. She tells you the truth like you don't want to hear it. She doesn't believe in sugar-coating anything. She's blunt as a baseball bat. When I want somebody to be nice to me, I ask my mother. When I need a kick in the head, I ask Kat.
Me: Why does this keep happening to me?
Kat: Because you only want guys you can't have.
Me: Why do I do that?
Kat: Because you don't think you deserve to be happy.
Is she right? Have I been dating men all along - hell, even marrying men - that make me miserable because I don't believe I deserve happiness in my love life???
I thought I'd been working to change that! These past two years, I've been on a self-reflective journey to figure out who I am, what I want, and all this time I've been sabotaging myself from the inside? I refuse to believe that.
The only way to fight the guilty verdict is to do something about it. I am going to take off this bathrobe, throw on my super cute outfit, and go out with some girlfriends tonight. I don't care who I have to rope into taking me out on the town. I've wallowed in self-pity long enough waiting for a man to come rescue me. It's time I rescued myself.
I have so many amazing friends. There are plenty of options for Friday night fun. Am I sad that plans with Mr Wonderful didn't work out? Yes I am. But hiding behind this computer isn't going to make him (or anyone else) fall head over heels for me. I'm doing this for myself. Shake off that "stood up" feeling, swipe on some "I feel pretty" make-up, and forget all about men for a while.
Wish me luck!