The Twelve Dates of Christmas

I've been posting several cryptic status updates on Facebook recently about the numerous suitors in my crazy dating life. Since going back online, I've had some super weird horror stories (which I'll save for a later entry) but for now, I thought you'd enjoy a more in depth description of the men I'm talking to.

I use the term "men" rather loosely!

Suitor #1:
Name: JJ
Age:39
Height: 6'3
Job: Engineer
Lives: Long Island
OkCupid Match:a disappointing 69%
We shall call him JJ, mostly because that's the nickname only his sister is allowed to use. From anyone else, he hates it. Kinda like me with Kimmy. You can call me Kim, Kimberly, or Kimba, but for the love of all things holy, PLEASE do not call me Kimmy. (Unless you're my little brother. He calls me Timmy. Cutest thing ever!)
JJ and I have been dating for several months. We met online and his writing hooked me above anything else. He's extremely intelligent, dedicated to his work, well read, super nerdy, and very tall. Our dates have included pizza and Man of Steel, a day at the beach, and a swanky dinner with his friends among countless others. We are so very good together. I knew I loved him fairly early on, and would happily give up my single girl status for a real relationship with JJ. Since he isn't "ready" to be exclusive / committed to me, he said that he's "totally ok" with me talking to other guys. I happen to know that he is NOT ok with this, but if that's what he wants me to do, than I'll do it. Enter the rest of the Suitors.
Status: UNKNOWN

Suitor #2:
Name: My Colleague's Father's Business Partner's Son --- you may have already read about him in the earlier blog entry, My Future Husband.
Age: 29
Height: 6'0
Job: Construction worker
Lives: owns his own home on Long Island
OkCupid match: No clue, although I would love to find out!
My teammate at work wanted to set me up with #2 over a year ago, and through a series of circumstances, we never met. He finally got my number and we've been texting for several weeks. We've had a few good phone calls, but the most disappointing thing was that he was a smoker. Instant deal breaker for me. I thought that my teammate would have known that, but he offered to quit after talking to me one time. He said that it was a bad habit he was looking for a reason to get rid of anyway, and he really liked me. If he quit on the spot, would I be willing to give him a chance? He asked her for my address and sent the most beautiful bouquet of pink flowers I've ever seen. Roses and lilies and daisies - all my favorites! There was a huge box of Harry London chocolate truffles along with the flowers, and the card read "Just wanted to make you smile, the way you make me smile every day."
Status: ACTIVE

Suitor #3:
Name: Dan
Age: 38
Height: 6'0
Job: IT for a legal firm in NYC
Lives: Astoria
OkCupid Match: 82%
Dan and I were talking earlier this summer, before I got scared of men (which really means I just didn't want to get hurt again!) He sent great messages, full of witty remarks and insightful humor. He's smart and easy to talk to and made me feel instantly comfortable. Before I took my profile down for several months, I sent Dan this message: "Hey, I've got some personal stuff going on right now, so am taking my profile down for a while. If you're still on here when I reactivate it (which for your sake I hope you're not), you'll be the first person I message." Wouldn't you know it, a few months later I updated my profile and within 24 hours of logging on, Dan wrote to me. He said, "Hey, I really hope that you took the time that you needed to sort everything out. I checked every couple of days to see if you were online again. I missed talking to you. Welcome back." And just like that, Dan and I started communicating every day. He's even easier to talk to now that I know him better. We share loves of bacon, jazz, Cards Against Humanity, New York City, farmer's markets, and country music. Dan and I take pictures of our food and text them to each other all the time. He calls me from the grocery store to say things like "I have pasta and eggs at home...what can I make with that?" and I talk him through the aisles to create something delicious. Our first phone call was while he was wandering the supermarket, and it felt so normal. It felt like us.
Status: ACTIVE

Suitor #4:
Name: Steve
Age: 32
Height: 5'11
Job: Gas fireplace repairman
Lives: Long Island (way out east)
OkCupid Match: 89%
Steve and I started talking about our shared love of tea. The first time he texted me, we had both just sat down to a hot cup of Trader Joe's Pomegranate White Tea! Of all the teas in the world to be drinking at that moment, fate threw us into the same steamy cup. I took this as a good sign, and we had quite a few hour-long phone calls. Steve gave me his last name so of course I facebook stalked him. (Sorry people but it's 2013 --- knowledge is power!) There were several photos of him with a small child, but he'd never mentioned a kid before. His twitter handle was on there, so I looked that up too. The most recent tweet was "My crazy bitch of an ex wife who hates me with the fire of a thousand suns is stalking my twitter feed. Go fucking figure!" There were a few other explicit tweets about only getting 4 hours a week with his son, her being psycho, the world generally sucking ass... I try not to judge anyone based on their social media, but that seems like too much baggage for me to handle right off the bat. Sorry, Steve.
Status: ELIMINATED ON THE GROUNDS OF ANGRY TWEETS

Suitor #5:
Name: Mike
Age: 36
Height: 5'11
Job: Printer
Lives: Long Island
OkCupid Match: 73%
What I like the most about Mike is that he's one of eight children. He has fourteen nieces and nephews. He knows all their names, all their birthdays, and is incredibly close with his family. Mike is looking for a woman who fits in with their Irish clan, wants babies, and (he admitted) is insanely beautiful. He is excited about being a husband and a father, and works two jobs to save up to buy a house soon. Mike is a planner, living for his future. I worry that he wants to skip over the present part of life, like dating and courtship and head straight into choosing curtains together. Honestly, this is usually where I start out too, but I'm at the point where I want to get to know someone, *really* get to know them before picking out china patterns and baby names together.
Status: LOST CONTACT

Suitor #6:
Name: Chad
Age: 35
Height: 5'7
Job: Something with computers I think
Lives: Owns his own home on Long Island's North Shore
OkCupid Match: 75%
Chad is a hard core nerd who loves superhero movies, comic books, and gaming. He has all the newest electronic equipment, fixates over advances in technology, and loves playing with cool gadgets. Basically, Chad is right up my geeky alley! I've dated this kind of guy before with mixed results. Sometimes they know how to talk to girls, sometimes they don't. Chad wants to be in a relationship though, and he knows when it is time to focus on a girl and not on a game. He has a lot of potential, and I'm oddly optimistic about him!
Status: ACTIVE

Suitor #7:
Name: Peter
Age: Old
Height: Tall
Job: Banker
Lives: In Brooklyn
OkCupid Match: I don't remember. I already blocked his profile
Peter from Brooklyn started off so sweetly. He would send messages like "Hey beautiful, how's your day?" *Note: I am a sucker for any guy who calls me beautiful, sweetie, cuteness, sexy, etc* He commented on the section of my profile warning guys not to "hit me up for casual sex" because I will not respond. He likes that I was brave enough to put it out there. I seem like a woman who demands and deserves respect. He is very impressed by me. After giving Peter my number, we texted for a day or so and then he called. At midnight. Why are you calling me at midnight??? I didn't answer. The next day, same thing, except that he called me at 1 am. What the fuck? You don't know me that well, dude. Peter begins texting me every day, telling me that he misses me, he can't wait to see me, he feels really close to me, he wants to be with me... I had to block his number.
Status: ELIMINATED ON THE GROUNDS OF CREEPY STALKER

Suitor #8:
Name: Jon
Age: 34
Height: 5'3
Job: Court clerk
Lives: Long Island
OkCupid Match: 84%
Jon sent such nice messages about country music, the League (find it on Netflix - it's hilarious!) and the Mets that I must have overlooked that small detail about his height when reviewing his profile online. He's 5'3!!! I'm 5'9. I think I may have to give him the super polite brush off... Tall girl problems!
Status: SOON TO BE LET DOWN

Suitor #9:
Name: Darren
Age: 29
Height: 5'7
Job: Not sure he has one
Lives: Somewhere
OkCupid Match: Whatever they gave us was too high
Darren started out so witty, so funny, so promising. We only exchanged a few emails before moving on to text and then a phone call. Poor kid didn't stand a chance. He said things like "So on our two online personality tests, we got the exact match. You're my exact counterpart. You're exactly who I'm supposed to be with." I was shocked that he had taken the same personality tests as I had (part of the OkCupid site) and he responded that he had actually taken twelve or more personality tests, but on the two that I took, we were an exact match! EXACT! He then went on to ask me what country London was in (England) and if England was part of Europe (yes) and was Europe, just like, one big country then? (Ummm, no.) Also, did I ever think about if the South had won the Civil War? Would we still be the United States of America, or would we all be Southern? Would the Southern states each be their own country, like Texas?
Status: ELIMINATED ON THE GROUNDS OF STUPID

Suitor #10:
Name: Andrew
Age: 36
Height: 6'3
Job: Banker
Lives: Long Island
OkCupid Match: 91%
On the outside, Andrew looked like a gentleman. He wore a suit and tie to work at a respectable location, he had good family values, and made excellent conversation. Until he got my phone number and began texting me pictures (or as he called them "reasons") I should want to be with him. There was only one reason, and I guarantee you, as impressive as that reason might be, I am going on the assumption that I am not the only girl he was sending those photos to.
Status: ELIMINATED ON THE GROUNDS OF COCK SHOTS

Suitor #11:
Name: Jonathan
Age: 33
Height: 5'10
Job: Movie theater manager
Lives: Long Island
OkCupid Match: 89%
Jonathan seems really sweet, but he's kind of quiet and hard to get to know. I can't tell you too much other than he travels to see his family on holidays, he worked his way up at the movie theater from usher to shift supervisor to manager, and he loves to walk.
Status: LOST CONTACT

Suitor #12:
Name: The Pianist
Age: 31
Height: 6'0
Job: Concert Pianist and Piano Teacher
Lives: New Jersey (ugh)
OkCupid Match: 93%
The Pianist is incredibly accomplished, educated, cultured, well read, and well traveled. He spends most of his time in Manhattan and chose to live in New Jersey for the view of NYC. He could've lived in Brooklyn for the views of our fair skyline, but he prefers the illusion of suburbia amidst the big city. He is also a fan of cheap gas, low taxes, and a wide variety of malls. He plays piano at everything from corporate events to private parties to concert halls. He teaches students from the youngest protege to the collegiate elite. He's kind and thoughtful and keeps in contact just enough so that I know he's thinking of me, but not so much as to scare me away. He's Armenian, which I knew nothing about except that the Kardashians are Armenian. (I apologize in advance to the entire country of Armenia that the Kardashian clan is the only thing we know about your country! Actually, I didn't even know that much. The Pianist told me!) He's wonderful so far and I am very excited to get to know him better.
Status: ACTIVE

Suitor #13:
Name: Nick the Dick
Age: an overgrown adolescent
Height: gutter
Job: annoying people
Lives: in a dark and dirty place
OkCupid Match: this is just ridiculous
Alright, I know that I said there were twelve dates of Christmas, but I had to throw this one on for good measure. Poor, unlucky thirteen. Nick was charming enough online but as the saying goes, "Good on paper, shit in real life." Nick skipped over the texting part of the online dating progression and called me as soon as he got my number. He was very talkative (too much so!) and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. He told me that he doesn't believe in love being all "doves and butterflies and singing and shit. Love isn't like that. It's crap most of the time. You've just got to find someone you can tolerate." He also said that when raising children, "it's best to just put a sack over their heads sometimes so they shut up and listen. You know what they say about violence: if it's not working, you're not using enough of it!" And finally, when he asked what my weirdest online dating experience has been, I told him about the guy last week who wanted to pee on (with?) me. Nick's response was "so I guess letting me take a shit on you is out of the question, cause you're a prude?"
Status: ELIMINATED ON THE GROUNDS OF ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???