How Many Kids?

This guy is nice. Seems normal. I know it's too soon to tell, but I have a good feeling. Steady job. Rents a nice apartment. Has friends. Goes to the gym. And picked a lovely place for us to meet for lunch. Said they have the best ravioli around. What self-respecting Italian wouldn't jump at that chance? He's considerate, thoughtful, pulls my chair out for me. Even called the restaurant ahead to request the table by the fireplace on this chilly, rainy day. (Are we getting the idea he's done this before, perhaps???)

We share 3 kinds of ravioli and lots of conversation. It's all pleasant, he's funny (in the way most accountants are funny...) and I think he's really sincere about finding a great girl to settle down with. I'm just starting to get comfortable when his cell phone rings.

I know what you're thinking. Turn your phone off on a date, dumb ass!!! But he checks it and apologizes profusely at me "I'm so sorry, I normally would never take a call right now but it's my mom. Do you mind if I answer it?" What am I gonna say, no?!?! Don't answer a phone call from your mother while we're out cause let's face it, that's a little strange. But here comes the clincher: "I'm worried it could be about my grandmother."

Alright, I have an 86 year old grandfather at home, I know the feeling. Answer the damn phone. (Hangs head in shame.)

After a few short minutes of him saying things like "Mom, I told you I'm out...yes she's really pretty...Grandma's ok then?...I'll call you later...um, I don't know if that's a good idea...ok, hold on I'll ask her..." he hands the phone to me. "My mom wants to say hi."

(Insert crickets chirping here.)

Stunned, I take the phone from him and say hello Mrs. __________. She starts chattering away like I've been dating her son for years now and this isn't our FIRST DATE. Seriously, who calls in the middle of a first date and asks to talk to the girl??? And who agrees to this? But I smile through it and make pleasant conversation all the while trying not to choke on my lemonade, regretting my choice not to order a mid-afternoon glass of wine which would have come in really, really handy right about now.

I'm just about to hand the phone back to her son when she asks me how many children I want to have. Now I've gleaned from our conversation that he's an only child of divorced parents so I've got two ways to go with this. A) Break her heart and tell her I don't want children at all so she'll never be getting any grandkids outta me. B) Give her a false glimmer of hope and save any shred of dignity this man had left before his mommy called on our date. I opt for the latter and tell her 5. I want 5 kids.

I swear to you, she starts crying, she's so happy. Shoulda gone with plan A.

I think about that date now and how sad he was when I thanked him for lunch but told him I probably wouldn't be calling again. He still emails me and says his mom misses me and wishes I'd give him another shot. Yeah, I definitely made the right call there.

Sorry, Mom.