Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Revenge of the Nerd

Alright nerds, I've heard what you had to say and most of you think that I was entirely too harsh on my geeky little friend the other night. Most of the emails I've received in the past seven days are along the lines of "Dorks need love too...Give the poor Trekkie a chance." Never one to turn down an opportunity to be the bigger person, I have taken your advice and met the 32 year old virgin for a second date. See for yourself:

The day after the Mets games, I awoke to a text message that read, 'Good morning, beautiful.' Knowing that this man had never actually complimented me before, I responded 'Awww, you think I'm beautiful??? (Blushes.)' He replied, 'Of course I think you're beautiful. Hasn't anyone ever told you that you're beautiful? How do you not know that you're beautiful?'

Easy, killer. I was being facetious.

I have to drive way the hell out East on the island that night in the pouring rain. As if it being Friday at rush hour wasn't bad enough, throw in some inclement weather and you've got a recipe for disaster. By disaster, I mean that Long Island traffic is at a stand still. I call him when I get on the parkway just to chat and he manages to direct me on an alternate route where I take a few miles out of my way on a detour but manage to save about three hours of time driving rather than sitting in bumper to bumper. Who knew that dating a computer geek could come in so handy? He totally saved my ass from showing up late to work so now I owe him. Alright, fine, he gets a second chance.

When I ask if he'd like to catch up for an hour after work one night, he tells me that he doesn't consume adult beverages. I say that I know, we talked about how he doesn't drink any alcohol. I'll admit to loving a trip out to the wineries on the weekend but if that means arriving with my own designated driver, so be it! He says no, that's not entirely what he meant. Yes, it's true that he doesn't drink alcohol but he means ALL adult beverages including coffee, tea, soda, etc. So wait...what does he drink? Choices are apparently limited to water, juice, Gatorade, Capri Sun, and hot chocolate.

I know what you're thinking. I miss those little foil pouches with the lethal straws too but we're in our 30's now people (alright I'm 6 months away but it's still pretty close!) This means that we are a minimum of two generations too old to be drinking out of juice boxes. I'm sorry to break it to you. Kids today think that the 1980's are retro and cool in a way that we thought sock hops were kitsch and classic but that doesn't mean you're going to see me walking down the street in a poodle skirt or sharing an egg cream at the soda fountain anytime soon.

But I digress.

We get to Starbucks and I order a Venti (that's a large) hot chocolate with a shot of peppermint and whipped cream on top. Whoever thought up mint chocolate as a combination should be sainted. Are you listening Catholic church??? (On second thought, I kinda hope you aren't...) He orders a Tall (which is actually small) hot chocolate with no other flavors and no whipped cream. Hold the phone. You're telling me that you only drink beverages for people typically under the age of 6 and yet you're not even going to get the works? Forgive me, but I don't trust ANYONE who doesn't have their hot chocolate with whipped cream and mini marshmallows. It's unAmerican. And I'm pretty sure illegal in at least 48 states.

Alright, fine, I will TRY to stop judging men based on food and beverage consumption but it's not easy. We sit down and I swear I almost choke on my first sip because he takes off his jacket to reveal a baby blue t-shirt sporting a picture of a ship in a bottle. But it's not just any ship. It's the StarShip Enterprise. In a bottle. He tells me he bought it on so for those of you who are reading this thinking "Where can I get an Enterprise in a bottle t-shirt?" ... that's where! They have all sorts of apparel in the category I like to call Geek Chic. My teammate's boyfriend just bought her a shirt that says "I <3 my geek". No, the symbols don't make a heart. They're just the symbols. Which is what makes it dorky...duh!!!

Oh, and then he tells me I should probably do some shopping on there because if I ever accompany him to a geeknic, I'll want to dress the part.

Yes, I was scratching my head at that one too. A geeknic is where his friends who are all Linux system users get together for a picnic, talk computer stuff and play horseshoes. No, I could not make this shit up if I tried.

Where was I? Oh right, we had gotten started on talking about his family and his sister is getting married next weekend. He's already invited me to the wedding. I politely declined as I really do have to work (and thank goodness for it!) He told me that his sister started dating the man she's about to marry in August four years ago but he didn't meet the family until November. Point being, should this develop into a relationship, I ought not to get my hopes up about meeting anyone he's related to anytime soon. If his mother were to meet a girl he was seeing, she would immediately start planning the wedding and naming future grandchildren (hopefully not Tiberius!) He's never brought a woman home to meet his parents before. No pressure...yeah right!

My favorite part was when he hinted that I could come over when his parents were away and he'd make dinner for me which sounds incredibly sweet. But, he added, "You can't sleep over because I have a twin." Me: "Brother?" Him: "No, bed."

32 and still sleeping in a twin bed??? Yes, well apparently he could have gotten a larger bed but it wouldn't have left any room for his dvd collection which takes up massive amounts of space. "Oh, and when you come, you can see the 18" Yoda I made entirely out of Legos! It's on my headboard."

Is anyone else picturing Steve Carell right now? Cause I'm getting kinda scared.

I find that I do more listening than talking during this meeting and an hour passes by without me even realizing the time. I've got to run off to a business meeting so he walks me to my car and I notice the plate on the back of his truck says LCARS. What the hell does that mean? According to Wikipedia it stands for Library Computer Access / Retrieval System. Yet another Star Trek reference. Big surprise.

By now, dear readers, you're thinking one of two things: 1) Run away screaming and never look back! or 2) So the guy is passionate about sci-fi. Who cares?

I vacillate between agreeing with both of these sentiments and can't seem to choose either as a definitive statement. On the one hand, his dorkiness overwhelms me. On the other hand, his eyes are the same color blue as that t shirt and I find myself inexplicably drawn to him. There's some sort of nerdy magnetic forcefield pulling me in that I can't seem to ignore. My girlfriend told me that I'm not attracted to him. I'm intrigued by him. I'm like Jane Goodall watching monkeys in the wild. I want to observe nerds in their natural habitat as though on a dating safari. And while I've met my share of wild animals, geek is a whole new beast with much of his behavior waiting to be explored further. Is it possible that he not only dresses like a human occasionally but holds the capacity to act like one?

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010


  1. the Jane Goodall reference to watching nerds in their natural habitat. Never heard of a geeknic but I bet it would be quite intriguing.

  2. Cheryl, I believe that intriguing is exactly the word for it! Not interesting, fun, or attractive...just intriguing :-)

  3. It seems that Mr. Geek is trying NOT to be a grown up! Do you want a boyfriend or a little brother? Next!!

  4. While well-adjusted geeks can be a good thing (case in point my hubby who collects Star Wars legos, has a life-size Yoda and still manages to enjoy adult beverages) this one sounds like you need to run for the hills.

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  6. I have to agree with Maria. I feel like he is trying way too hard to go against the grain. Ok, so you're a geek. Doesn't mean you can't be a grownup? Did he actually say "I don't consume any adult beverages?" Adult beverages? It's not like he's a 10 yr old who doesn't drinks coffee! He's 32!
    I don't know...there would have to be something incredible about this man to keep me going back for more, otherwise I don't think I'd be into him.
    Damn...I don't think I've ever sounded so bitchy before? LOL

  7. I think you should devote more time to him. Do you remember 'Family Matters' and nerdy Steve Urkel? Do you remember how he was infatuated with Laura and would have gone to the ends of the earth for her? In the very last season, Steve and Laura finally got together! :-) Score one for the nerd!

  8. OMG I TOTALLY AGREE WITH MARIA!!!! Boys need not apply. NEXT!

  9. oh wow.....where do you find these guys???? I never ever date gamers, as a rule!