Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Sealed With a Kiss

The following story is why I can no longer date Mormons. Let me explain:

I met Josh online and he was wonderful. He was incredibly smart, running one of the largest high tech cyber security companies in New York. He was funny, very witty and full of sparkling conversation. He was sexy, drove a motorcycle and full of suggestively flirtatious comments while never crossing the line. He was divorced like I am, and it turns out we got married within a few months of each other and divorced within a few months of each other. It helps to date someone who understands your relationship history because they've been through something similar. It also helps when he's got his gorgeous green eyes all over your dress and never stops smiling.

Before I knew Josh's last name, I entered him in my phone as Josh = Keeper. I left it that way even after I found out his last name. Josh just felt like the kind of guy I wanted to keep around. He would text me the sweetest things during the day, and I couldn't get my mind off of him. The feeling was mutual.

Josh and I had an awesome first date. It was that scene from a romantic comedy where you can't hear the dialogue, but there's music playing in the background. You see a montage of subway rides where the boy holds the girl's hand to steady her on the train car and then doesn't let go. You look through the restaurant windows and see the couple laughing and smiling. You seem them feeding each other dessert. You see the time lapse photography of the sun sinking behind the trees as daylight fades and attraction grows. You watch the distance between them shrink and you start screaming at the screen "Dammit, just kiss her already!" You see her dress floating around her legs and his fingers intertwined with hers and you squeal a little in delight when he finally stops on the corner and kisses her while they wait for traffic to cross. You want to be wherever they are when they're sipping cocktails on the roof and he's pointing out famous New York buildings down below and constellations up above of the few stars visible over Manhattan at night. You want to be her. You want to be with him. And then the music fades and the sound comes back on. You overhear this conversation:

Kimberly: So tell me about your last relationship.

Josh: Well, I had a ring on her finger in under 30 minutes on our first date.

Kimberly: *Chokes on her cocktail*

Josh: We had known each other for two years. I was dying to date her but couldn't ask her out. After our mission trip was over, I finally got her to go out with me. I knew that I wanted to marry her so I proposed in the first half hour.

Kimberly: How did you know that you wanted to marry a girl you'd never dated???

Josh: I'm Mormon, she's Mormon. I knew we had the same upbringing and values. Plus I was desperate to have sex and needed it to happen pretty quickly. Since we had to wait til we were married, I wanted that to be as soon as possible. 

Kimberly: So why'd you get divorced?

Josh: She got selfish and materialistic towards the end. Then she started drinking and partying, was cheating on me, got pregnant, and I finally kicked her out.

Kimberly: Wow, that's a rough story.

Josh: Rougher yet, we are technically still married. 

Kimberly: I don't understand. I thought you were divorced?

Josh: I am legally divorced but I'm still spiritually married. She is my celestial wife. We are an eternal family. Our union was sealed in the temple and therefore cannot be broken in this world.

Kimberly: You're reeeeally losing me now.

Josh: When Mormons marry, we marry for life. Not just this life, but the next life, and the one after that. So when I die and become god of my own world, she will still be there by my side.

Kimberly: *Nods head silently, starts drinking faster, looks around for quickest escape route*

Josh: I really like you and I see this going well. But you should know that if you and I were to get married here on Earth, and we died, you would join me in the after life as one wife and she would be there, technically also as my wife. That's where polygamy is ok. After death.

Kimberly: So you're saying that I have to worry about sharing you with another woman for all eternity while you're a god of your own planet and we have a weird little after life threesome?

Josh: Basically...yes.

Just for the record, I am inherently jealous of the ex girlfriend / ex wife of any guy I'm dating "here on Earth" and there is no possible way I could handle having to deal with here "for all eternity." Also, I can't date a man who truly believes he's going to be god of his own planet someday. That's just too much power for one man's head. I'm gonna ask him to take out the trash or do the dishes and he's gonna be all "Sorry, babe, I can't. Too busy practicing to be my own god!" So Josh turned out to not be a Keeper after all. Such a shame. I was really looking forward to a ride on that motorcycle.

*Note: Before you think I'm making this up, judging Josh for his beliefs, or badmouthing an entire religion, feel free to do your own research on sites such as these:
Ask Mormon Girl
From Man to God

1 comment:

  1. "Sorry, babe, I can't. Too busy practicing to be my own god!" OMG lmfao!!!! I have tears in my eyes. Can't you totally picture it!?!?! Bwahahahah!!