Unlucky Seven

Dear Kimberly, 

Yesterday was my 39th birthday. I love birthdays! Well I got one of those you can't make this shit up moments. Like you, I have an ex-husband. We dated for 7 years, were married 7 years, and have now been divorced 7 years. I got divorced because one year into our marriage, he came home and told me that he had taken a job where he had to travel and would only be home one week a month. I tried to make it work but I didn't get married to be alone.

Within 6 months of our divorce, he was dating a 20 year old. They recently got engaged and he texted me to tell me so I wouldn't hear it somewhere else. One month later, she is pregnant so the wedding is postponed. Of course, they had their baby YESTERDAY!!! What the hell???

Part of me thinks it is funny because he knows it was my birthday but part of me is sad. Sad to the fact that we should have had kids. Sad to the fact that I am 39 and haven't found anyone. Sad to the fact that I still do not have kids.

So as he turns 40 in December and she is 26, I try wish them luck. My prince will come and all of this will be worth the journey! Your "Jason" blogs have refreshed by hope, thank you!

Unlucky Seven

Dear Seven,

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Secondly, Thank You for writing and sharing your story with me. I know how hard that is when everyone else thinks you're so brave and strong. They have no idea that you're crying and indulging in a half gallon of Breyer's. Oh wait...that's me 

I think that life has a way of working out whether we understand it or not. Maybe your ex's baby being born on your birthday is the universe's way of reminding him of you (not like he's going to forget anyway!) I think that my ex had his baby on our anniversary for the same reason. Even after we separated, after we divorced, I would text or email him on our anniversary, just to say I wish you well and I'm thinking about you. Once he wrote back: “You don't have to remind me. I'll never forget.” 

Now, I know for sure that he never can. The burden is off of me having to remind him, because his child will do that for him. I'm sure his wife hates it which makes me just slightly happy. (Ok, maybe more than slightly!)

I feel you on the being sad front too. I am not at the place in my life that I thought I would be by this point, but I'm actively working to change that. If you still want children, it is never too late. There are oodles of babies out there, waiting to be adopted, waiting to be taken home, waiting to be loved, and if you are up for the challenge of motherhood with a partner or not, I am certain you will find a way to make it work for you. It's something I am seriously considering because I can't imagine giving anyone a more life changing gift than adoption. I still strive for marriage first and kids of my own if that's possible, but I am completely open to the thought that it might not be. I'm not ruling any of my choices out and maybe you shouldn't either. Love is love is love, whether it's a spouse or a baby or a friend or a relative or a co worker, and you should always surround yourself with love. 

That's what I've really been doing lately. Going on road trips, visiting friends, camping, eating out, throwing parties, baking for no reason in particular, sending handwritten notes and cards, hosting afternoon tea, attending writers groups, volunteering, joining a new church, anything I can do to be closer to people who simply radiate love. People who have love to give and are happy to see you because it means they can shower you with affection, attention, and appreciation. I have no husband to bake for, so I've designated myself the official sponsor of birthdays in my office. The women go crazy when I bring in homemade cookies or brownies or fudge. I wrote letters - real letters - and mailed them to my aunts, cousins, all the women in my life that I don't get to see nearly often enough and I miss tremendously. Everyone adores real mail (especially with hearts and stickers all over the envelope!) I offer to babysit my friends kids so they can go out for date nights. They get dinner and a movie and I get snuggle time with some of my favorite little people and still get to stay in my own bed where no one kicks me or wakes me up at 3 am. I go on as many dates as possible, staying open to the idea that love is still out there and will find me when I'm good and ready. 

I know that you're hurt and upset and frustrated right now. I have been there. Hell, on some days I still AM there. But as my grandmother used to say, This too shall pass. One day you'll wake up and without even realizing it, your ex and his new trollop of a wife and his new baby born on your birthday will not be the first and the last thing you think about. One day, in the not too distant future, you will survive an entire 24 hour period with no tears. One day, you will look back and think "how on earth did I manage to get through that without having an absolute melt down in the cereal aisle in Target?" (True story. Happened to me.) And you'll feel so much better because when you allow yourself to live your life, you will truly start enjoying it. 

You seem like a really strong person. I don't mean other people think you're strong --- I mean genuinely stronger than you give yourself credit for. Surround yourself with only the things and people that make you happy. Forgive yourself for harping, obsessing, and reliving the past...and then let it go. Remember that it's ok to eat a chocolate donut for breakfast if that's what you need to heal, but force yourself to go out for a run later on. Find what moves you, what motivates you, what makes you who you are. Only when you are completely in love with yourself can someone else fall in love with you too.

Wishing you every success in the world, and please let me know how it goes! 

Kimberly

Kimberly, 

Thank you for such a sweet reply! I think it is great that strong, single women can be supportive rather than break each other down. It’s funny that you mentioned adoption in your message. I have actually been considering it and doing some research, talking to several friends that have been through the process as well as praying about it. I truly think I might.

I feel like I sent myself a message. You told me all the things I would have told someone that asked me. I needed to hear it. I need to remember by doing and taking care of me I can be that great caregiver and friend I always am. Thanks again for being a sister in the single girl life!!! 

The (soon to be) Lucky Seven