Handle With Care

Kim,

First of all let me please start off by telling you I have absolutely loved your blog since I first started reading it. I came across it when I was in a similar situation to you. I completely feel your pain on what happened with you and Kit, I really really do. My second ever relationship I met online and we dated for 6 months or so. He was amazing, and a very wonderful boyfriend. Things ended kind of suddenly, and I found out why later. He had been having a long distance relationship behind my back for months. 


Well, would you believe me if I told you that this very same guy 7 years later is now my husband?

I know, I know. I must be crazy right?? 

During the 7 years between our first disastrous relationship and now, we stayed in contact. It wasn't frequent, we just stayed on each other's friends list on MySpace and then progressed to Facebook when the MySpace craze died out. When my 2 year live in relationship ended, it just so happened that a 2 year serious relationship of his also fizzled out. We talked a lot -  he was my shoulder to cry on believe it or not. 

Fast forward two more years and I was having a Halloween get-together and I invited Doug. I honestly didn't think he would show up. I can't explain it, but when I saw him that night at my party, it was like something just clicked. Something had changed and those old feelings came back.  I knew he was different, he had grown up. We started dating and he apologized to me for the hurt and pain he had caused in the past. He was young and dumb, and yeah I realize that isn't much of an excuse but I understood. I explained to him that all those times during those 7 years that he tried to get back together that I was scared. I didn't want to be hurt again. 


Well 9 months later we were in Las Vegas getting hitched! It was the best decision I ever made.


It wasn't easy. Trusting someone after a betrayal is difficult, I know. Old issues still rear their ugly head, but I am trying my very best to let the past be in the past. He showed me he had changed, but I also feel that not everyone CAN change. In your shoes, I would have felt the very same way. 
My point of all this is that while I am definitely not on Team Kit, I thought maybe you'd like to hear my story. I am sure your Prince Charming is out there waiting for you and I just know you will be finding him very soon! :)

Thank you for your wonderful blog and sharing so much with us readers!
Lauren


Dear Lauren, 


I seriously have to stop tearing up every time I read one of these amazing letters! Thank you so much for writing to me and sharing your story. There's something so touching about a woman whose heart is open to love, who has been through the wringer and come out the other side. Who has survived a heartbreak like you and I have and lived to tell about it. Who has gotten stronger and smarter and still found the man she was looking for. Shockingly, the man she had the whole time!


I think that your story with Doug is a diamond in the rough. It's not common, but that's what makes it special! I WANTED to forgive Kit for what he did. I wanted to move past it. I wanted us to be together, convinced it could and would work if we both put the effort it. He hasn't grown up yet. He needs time to change. He has to figure out what Doug did - being young and stupid only works as an excuse for so long. It's going to take me a long time to get over what happened and figure out how to deal with it for myself, if not for him. This does not mean that we're getting back together, but it does mean it's impossible to stop loving someone you once felt so strongly for. It doesn't happen at the touch of a button, or even overnight. In your case, the feelings clearly never went away. In fact, it sounds like they're back and better than ever!


I know what you mean about being scared. I don't want to get hurt again either. It's so hard to trust someone and once that's gone, I don't know if it can ever fully be recovered. There are steps you can take to rebuild it but for me, it's like dropping a ceramic mug on the floor. If you drop it on the rug and a few pieces split off, you can glue them back on but you'll always see the cracks. Drop it on tile though and it shatters, you might as well sweep up the shards and start fresh with a new mug. Relationships need to be handled with the same gentle care we'd use for anything precious.


Relationships are fragile. Handle them with care. 


I hope that Doug knows how lucky he is to have you in his life and never takes your love for granted. I hope that he marvels every single day in awe of the woman who gave him a second chance. I hope that he never loses sight of what his life was like without you in it and chooses to be with you every day. Chooses to stay faithful to you. Chooses to love you. Chooses to make you his #1 priority. That's what a good husband does. Makes his wife the center of the universe and appreciates that everything else revolves around her. Love is like the sun. Without it, everything else withers away and dies. Be the sunshine every day for him. Be the thing he looks forward to. Be the bright spot in his darkest night. Be the woman he could never live without. Be generous, gracious, forgiving and loyal. Be gentle with him. Be happy as often as possible. And be grateful you have a partner who recognizes all the good in you.


Wishing you both a lifetime of love. Thank you for reading, and especially for reaching out!
Hugs, Kim

You & Tequila Make Me Crazy

I'm changing my name to Erica.

Ummm, I should probably explain that one?

So basically, I met this guy (we'll call him Roger) almost four years ago. My husband had moved out less than a year before and was already living with his new girlfriend. I had just gotten cheated on by my interim boyfriend and was feeling less than stellar about myself. When my girlfriend invited all her besties out for a fabulous night on the town, I said yes. I desperately needed an evening of drinks and dancing to feel like a superstar rather than a drowned rat.

Enter Roger.

We were out at a Mexican restaurant indulging in 28 ounce margaritas (I had two) and flirting across the table. He revealed that his girlfriend had broken up with him not very long before and was already seeing some other guy. He told most of this story to my chest - I was wearing a lower cut shirt than is customary for my wardrobe - as my black satin bra was somewhat visible with the little bow in the center just peeking out. Normally, my clothing reflects my sweet, conservative nature. This was not one of those nights.

Dinner was followed by my first experience at a karaoke bar (what is it with me and karaoke???) where we were no longer separated by a table. In fact, we weren't separated by much at all. The only time we took a break from making out was my turn to embarrass myself on stage with the ladies singing our rendition of a Debbie Gibson song. I use the term singing very loosely. Turns out, your favorite song from 1987 is a great idea on the train into the city. Fifty-six ounces of tequila later, the words have completely escaped your brain and standing on a raised stage may be hazardous to your health.

Thank God there is no YouTube video of this. F'ing hilarious!

Making out at the bar turned into making out outside the bar turned into my girlfriends literally pulling us apart and pouring me into a taxi. I had never gone home with a man I'd just met and despite my drunken state, I wasn't about to start now. One night stands are a bit like wearing too much glitter. Sparkly and fun at night but hard to shake off in the morning.

That night, I broke up with both tequila and glitter.

Shockingly, he called the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. I was so proud of myself for not giving in to my alcohol induced temptation. We started a real relationship and continued dating for four months. He cooked me dinner at his apartment. He took me to fancy work parties. He walked me around the Cloisters, pointing out paintings and architecture he loved. He put on jazz music, poured chilled wine, and taught me how to play chess. He sat on a bench mid-autumn holding my hand, sharing a bag of roasted peanuts, watching the leaves change color across the river. He was the epitome of romance.

Sadly, neither his ex nor mine were completely out of the picture. We had become each other's rebound relationships without ever meaning to be. Neither of us had totally recovered from our previous heartbreak, thus rendering us incapable of dedicating our whole selves to the other person. Ultimately we split up because we were simply not ready to be together.

Sucked. Big time.

FOUR YEARS LATER

My blog has taken on a life of its own and as of this posting, I have 2,900+ fans on facebook. I've just learned how to use twitter and last week, who pops up on my new follower list but Roger!!! Ho. Ly. Crap. How did he find me???

I sent him a direct message saying "Hey! Thanks for the follow. How'd you find my blog?" to which he replies "I'm not really sure. Friends on facebook probably recommended it. Your writing is great by the way."

Ummm, I am guessing by that response he has no idea it's me.

We tweet back and forth until four in the morning. He still doesn't realize who I am.

It takes every ounce of will power I have not to tell him "Hi, I'm the girl who used to date you. Frankly, I'm a little insulted that you don't remember!" but instead we talk about all those general things two "strangers" might discuss when both are awake in the middle of the night.

The next day, I get a message from him saying "This is crazy but I feel like I know you. I think we might have met before."

No shit Sherlock!!!

"What were you doing in 2008?"

Being your girlfriend. Duh.

Finally, it hits him who I am and the entire conversation shifts. We rehash some of our good times together. He cracks a few jokes about us and we're right back where we were four years ago. I forgot how easy going he was, how comfortable he made me, how completely at ease I feel talking to him.

Then the flirting begins. *Note: I am a huge flirt. I can't help it. I have always flirted with guys, and will probably continue flirting with guys, until I am a little old lady in the nursing home and they have to wheel me away from the cute orderlies.*

The texting and flirting is innocent (Up to a point. And then... it's not so innocent.) I'm getting those butterflies in my tummy that tell me this guy is special. He makes my insides do flip flops. I am addicted to the thought of him. I can't get him out of my head. I start dreaming about him. Boy, do I have it bad!

I consulted many friends on my conundrum. Sara said that dating your own ex is a bit like eating your own leftovers after they've been in the fridge too long. (You never know if they've gone moldy or gotten freezer burn!) Robbie asked if I'd run out of men to date, thus having to recycle them. Bella believes that the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person but the right person at the right time deserves a second chance. Kat just asked why I'd want to bother with yet another man.

One of these days, one of these men isn't going to be "just another man." He won't be a frog. He will be a prince. How will I know if I don't at least try to kiss him?

Figuratively speaking of course...Ok, ok. Maybe literally speaking!

Roger has moved away from New York and up to New England. I am saddened by the thought of not being able to stroll through Central Park with him mid winter, attend the ballet, or share ravioli and chardonnay over candlelight. It is this momentary sorrow that makes me realize: I miss Roger. Dare I say it, I might actually like to be with him!

Me: So how far away are you exactly?
Roger: Two hundred and sixty two miles. Not that I'm counting.
Me: Wow. That's precise.
Roger: Yes, well a certain someone keeps reminding me.
Me: So how long does it take to drive?
Roger: About five hours. Not really easy to be home for dinner.
Me: Why would you come back for dinner?
Roger: Because I'm tired of hearing that I'm too far away.
Me: From who???
(((Long Pause)))
Me: Ummm...girlfriend?
Roger: Yes.
Me: How long?
Roger: A year and a half.
Me: Ok. Did not see that coming.
Roger: Sorry. I would have told you sooner but we were talking and flirting and it felt really nice and I didn't think anything would come of it.
Me: So now something might come of it?
Roger: I don't know. I was kind of hoping so.
Me: And what would that be?
Roger: That you'd get in the car and come up here.
Me: I would have. In a heartbeat. I can't do that now.
Roger: I know. I have never cheated on her and I would never cheat on her. I can't hurt her. I can't. But I really enjoy talking to you. Can we still talk?

So now here I am, a guy I really like on one end and my morals on the other. I've been sitting in rather high judgement of girls who "steal" other women's boyfriends through any means possible. I refuse to become one of those women. I REFUSE. But where do I draw the line? Can I keep talking to him? What are we allowed to say? And how do I put my feelings back in check now that I'm not allowed to have feelings towards him because he's taken?!?!

It's been three days of torture, texting, tweeting, and talking with him since I found out that Roger is technically off the market. I hate him for keeping it from me and I hate myself even more for wanting some part of him despite my newly acquired knowledge. There are so many factors to consider: He's not happy with her - they "break up" on the phone every other week. From everything he's told me, she sounds like a miserable cow. He's only staying with her because there's never a convenient time to break up and he feels guilty for being so far away. The fact of the matter is that if he was really that unhappy, he'd probably have broken things off already, no? We didn't really have a chance when we first dated, I wonder what it would be like now that we've both grown up? If we're just talking but I never see him, does that count as him being disloyal in his relationship?

My head is about to explode!

The short answer is: If I continue flirting with him KNOWING what I know now, I am no better than the homewrecker I outed on this blog just a few months back. I cannot sit here and say we are women and we must stick together and then carry on with another woman's boyfriend. I can't. I hold myself to the same standards I hold all of you and I wanted you to know that.

Depressing though it might be, Roger is taken. End. Of. Story.

I guess I can stay a Kimberly after all...

Better

Hi Sara!

I'm going to reply to your email piece by piece...

Hi Kim,

I stumbled upon your blog about a year ago when I was fiddling around with writing my own blog, which I still haven’t started. 

START IT TODAY!!! There is no reason to wait on something like that. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to do - like going to the gym. Just show up, you'll get better at it as you go.

I love your blog and your sense of humour and in so many ways, I just feel like I'm reading something I could have potentially written myself! I'm so happy I stumbled upon your blog. And I now follow you on Facebook and Twitter too! You're the best! Keep up the awesome work :)

Aw, shucks, now I'm blushing! And by that, I mean keep going LoL

I read a few entries here and there and would giggle at your dating mishaps. I also realized how much we had in common…with dating and also with other little things such as grammar and spelling! I won’t reply to someone online if they can’t spell or form a sentence either. It drives me crazy! 

Thanks for laughing. Dating is pretty crazy and the truth is always better than fiction. Real people are frankly way more entertaining than even my vivid imagination! Find me a man who can correctly use spelling, grammar, and punctuation, and I'll show you a man who will hold my interest for more than 10 seconds.

I’m a 30 year old woman from Canada. I started online dating when I was about 28 and nothing ever came of it. A couple bad dates here and there. 

I'm in Canada?!?! That's like a whole different country! Wow, I feel kinda special.

After reading how you first met Kit, I feel like it’s the exact same thing as when I met Joe. We live 5 hours apart and after months of texting and talking, each drove 2.5 hours for our first date. I was so nervous but he gave me a great big hug and that just made it more comfortable. We drove out to the lake, spent 6 hours together and it was amazing. When we had to leave each other we couldn’t stop hugging. He kept kissing me and although we really didn’t want to go our separate ways, we had to.

I remember the moment Kit put me on the subway home (because he'd fallen asleep in my lap on the date!) I didn't want to go. I would have waited for the next subway (or the next, or the next.) I had never had such an amazing day in my whole life and I didn't want it to end. Kind of like those wonderful dreams you don't want to wake up from. I was terrified of the alarm going off on our time together. It's hard to believe the great stuff is real. 

A few days before my 30^th birthday, he decided to just end things. There was a girl in the same city as him and she was pursuing him daily. Dropping by his work, his home, bringing him snacks and treats, asking him out, making him supper. I couldn’t blame him for being wooed by her. It was easier. She was right there. I’m a 5 hour drive away. 

The thing you can take solace in here is that SHE pursued HIM. He wasn't actively looking for anyone. It sounds like he was pretty smitten with you.

I turned to your blog again and read it start to finish after things with Joe didn’t work out. I found comfort in the fact that you’d been through a similar (yet yours was a more serious) situation.

I'm flattered to pieces that you turned to my writing for comfort. After my divorce, I read Eat, Pray, Love twice. I just needed to know that I wasn't alone, that there was someone out there who understood me, the guilt I was feeling, the failure I thought for sure I'd become. Sure, Liz Gilbert traveled the world and I've only traveled the five boroughs, but inside, those feelings were exactly the same. Don't worry about how "serious" a relationship was. If your heart was broken, than it was the same.

He texted me to ask for girl advice! Seriously?!?! It was pretty much like a dagger to the heart knowing that he’s taken. Especially when he tells me things such as, “the only reason I like her is because she reminds me of you,” or, “if you lived closer, there’s no way I could be with anyone but you,” or, “if we lived closer, you would replace my girlfriend in a heartbeat.” 

Please, please forgive me, but he's being a dick for saying those things to you. He knows how you feel about him? He knows you want to be with him? He knows that he has your heart in his hands yet he chose to move away and chose to start a relationship with someone else. Then he asked you for advice about her??? Dick move. Not ok!!!

We started texting a lot again. Almost daily. First it was innocent enough. But now it’s turned into trusting each other with our deepest desires and discussing what it would be like if we could actually be together. 

I think you're torturing yourself. Wondering what it would be like IF you could be together - when you know you can't - is just mean. If either of you was planning on making that move, it would be different, it would be looking to the future. Instead, you're just playing pretend, focusing on things that will never be rather than things that could really happen for you!

For the most part, I’ve resigned to the fact that our relationship is just a friendship with sometimes inappropriate content. But, there’s still a side of me that thinks we could really have something very special if only things were different.

Right here, I know that you are a smart girl. You recognize what this relationship is (and what it isn't) and you're going through with it anyway. It makes me so sad for you because you're cutting yourself off to amazing possibilities by dwelling in a make believe world.

I have been thinking about your situation with Kit and how he acted with Erica. And although I don’t think my conversations with Joe are quite on the same level, I can’t help suddenly feeling like the Erica in my situation. I don’t want to be her. And at the start of my relationship with him, I was the Kim…not the Erica. It’s a terrible feeling actually. 

There it is again. That little voice inside your head that says Something Is Wrong Here. My guideline has always been: If something feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Trust your gut.

He says he does not feel guilty at all. I think it’s because in his mind, he views me as just a fantasy now. I wonder if that’s how Kit viewed Erica?

"A stiff dick has no conscience"

I’m not saying you should forgive him for that because honestly, if I was in your situation, I’d be PISSED if I saw conversations like that between my boyfriend and some girl. But also in my mind, as “the other woman,” I just feel like he’s the same Joe I fell for 8 months ago. He’s never really treated me differently whether he was single Joe or non-single Joe. 

Kit said he loved me, moved into my house, chose a wedding date, picked out baby names, and was chatting with Erica the entire time. Obviously, everyone who read the expose piece knows that they were discussing very intimate, very explicit things. Erica might have been a fantasy for him but I was the real thing. I am a real person, with real feelings he hurt, a real future he stole, and a real heart that he broke. I don't know who Erica thought she was to come between that, and of course, it takes two to tango and all that jazz, but she knowingly continued her messages with him despite his relationship with me. I see your point of view that he's the same guy you fell for months ago --- except that he's not. He's taken now. He has a significant other. And IT SUCKS that it's not you. IT SUCKS that you're stuck holding on to those feelings for him that you were sure he reciprocated, and you know what? He still might. He probably still feels about you the way he did six or eight months ago and I'm sure if you lived closer together, he would be with you. But he's not. He's with her. That's all you need to know.

I don’t know what side of the coin I fall on. Am I Kim or am I Erica? I want to be Kim. But I don’t think I’m strong enough to move on from him. I know for a fact I was always the Kim until 2 months ago when he started dating his girlfriend. And now, I’m suddenly the Erica. I don’t like it. I feel terrible about it. I don’t want to be that girl! 

Nobody is forcing you to be either one. You have to choose the side that's right for you. If you want to be Erica, then stay. Staying is easy. If you want to be Kim, you have to say "I don't like this situation and I am leaving it right this minute, before anyone else gets hurt." It's going to take extreme courage. You're going to have to stand up for values way deep inside you. You're going to have to rely on your friends and family to get you through it. I'm not going to lie and say it will be easy. It won't. But you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are braver, tougher, smarter, and better than this. Do not let it get the best of you. 

I know I need to let him go and I know some day I will. It’s just soooo much harder than I ever anticipated. It kills me to think that I haven’t been in love, or been loved since my last boyfriend, 9 years ago. I think I’m holding onto my messed relationship with Joe because I haven’t had someone compliment me in that way in so long. I know it’s sad but sometimes, it’s just nice to be wanted.

I get that. Believe me, I get that. Let me ask you a question though: Do you want to be complimented and loved by someone who can only give you 50% of himself at best? Yes, the few scraps of attention he throws you when his girlfriend isn't looking are nice, but she's the one who gets into bed with him at night. She's the one making him breakfast in the morning. She's the one who knows how he takes his coffee. She knows how he folds his laundry and which radio stations are his favorites and whether or not he snores. She has a life with him, a life that you (sadly) are not a part of. He only wants you when it's convenient for him, not when you need it - which is 100% of the time.

I also want to be treated better. I deserve better. And so does Joe’s girlfriend.

Yes, you do. And yes, she does too.

I’m going to try my hardest to be less of an Erica and get back to being more of a Kim. I did have a date with another guy the other day. It was…okay. We have a lot in common and he’s super nice and successful. I’m not sure how I feel about him but I’ll go on a few more dates and see what happens. At least it’s a step in the right direction!

That's the first intelligent thing you've said that I truly believe. Get back out there, sister! Kissing frogs is a tough job, but there is a prince somewhere along the journey. I truly believe that. I'm not spinning crap at you that I don't fully take to heart. I'm out there too. I know how hard it is. I've gone on a lot of dates (I mean A LOT) where my feelings about the guy were kinda "meh" --- but I just keep trying. I am out there. My heart is open. My mind is (mostly) open and I'm saying yes to opportunities I never would have had otherwise. I've learned tons about myself. What I want, what I don't want, what I am willing to settle for, and what I absolutely can't live without. You will find yourself along the way but not with this situation weighing you down. Not one bit.

Thank you for continuing to write your blog. It’s so comforting to know there are other smart, intelligent, funny, nice women out there that are my age and still single. It can be great at times. But holy moly, it sure does get super lonely. I find solace in your blog. Thanks for putting yourself out there so the rest of us in the same boat don’t feel so alone!!

Sara

You (and the millions of other women like you) are the reason I write this blog. Firstly, I wanted to know that I wasn't alone. Secondly, I wanted to let my girlfriends (and their girlfriends, and their girlfriends...) know that they weren't alone either. Yes, being single is a double edged sword. It has its moments of being amazingly freeing and fun, and also its moments of loneliness. You take the good with the bad but I will share a secret with you that I've learned along the way:

You're gonna miss this. Some day, you're going to be married, maybe with a couple of kids hanging around, balancing a home and work and a family and hobbies and friends and book club and PTA and wishing on a star that you could find five minutes to sit down alone with your thoughts and a cup of coffee. You're going to sink into your couch at the end of a day, completely exhausted, remembering when you had the time to read your favorite blog, or go out dancing with your gal pals, or lounge over lunch, or shop without worrying about picking up the kiddies from soccer practice. Don't wish away your single days. They are few and precious. It might not seem like it now, but your days of eating cereal for dinner are numbered. When you are ready - and by that, I mean letting go of EVERYTHING holding you back from real love - when you are good and ready, love will rush into your life and fill your days, your mind, and your heart with more pleasure and satisfaction than you could ever dream of. Take all the happiness you *think* you have with Joe. Times that by 100. Times it by 1,000 even! That's what you'll find when you love a man who loves you back. Completely, totally, loves and adores you. A man who would stop the world for you if he could. That's what you deserve and that's what you'll find. If you are strong enough to let go of what you have and trust that BETTER is out there. 

Wishing you luck and love, always

Kimberly Spice

Eggs in a Basket

Hi Kim, 

This is Heather from facebook. I commented your blog post in the hopes that maybe you can help me out. 

I'm 26 and consider myself pretty strong and not needing a boyfriend so to speak but its coming to that time in my life when I want someone to share my life with and my love with. I was on a dating site and emailed this very cute guy. His profile says looking for new friends but as we got to talking back and forth with each other we had a lot in common. We both want to find someone for a relationship, and to be each others best friend and lover. Anyways after emailing each other Saturday night he gave me his cell told me to text when I woke up Sunday  - which I did  - and we continued to have a great conversation. He even told me how he was glad to have found an amazing girl which I think is me. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night and I don't know what could have happened. I feel like every time I meet someone nice and we start texting and talking they disappear on me. At this rate I feel like I'm never going to find love and I don't want to settle. I don't want to email or text him something dumb that could ruin a possible good thing. So confused! What do I do?

Help?

Heather

Hi Heather,

First of all, you do sound like a great girl. You are smart enough to know who you are and what you need. You're strong enough not to settle for anything less. Don't doubt your own self worth because some guy didn't write back immediately. Trust me when I say I've been through this 97 times in the past 24 months. It gets easier. 

Alright, here's the basic premise of 100 Cups of Coffee: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 

Yes, I know it's an old lady cliche, but think about it. If you were texting say...2 or 3 guys, would you have noticed if 1 dropped off the face of the Earth? Maybe. But it wouldn't be upsetting you this much. I will send out 10 to 12 first messages at a time and I'm happy if 1 or 2 write back. That's just how things go. Once those conversations get started, I definitely try to nurture them but here's advice #2: Don't be desperate. 

I am NOT saying that you as a person are desperate. You sound really sweet and sincere to me. But guys sense when someone is getting clingy. Until he's your real life boyfriend, keep things casual. Be the thing he looks forward to in a day, not the thing he feels obligated to. You want to be seen as the ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds in the middle of his work or whatever else eats up his time. He should smile when his phone lights up with your words. Same with you for him. 

I do not encourage long term texting. It's great for the first few rounds of post-email getting to know you but I say move on to phone time within a week. You can hear SO much more in a person's voice than what you can read on a screen. Many of my on screen matches had great potential until we made it to the phone stage. Several I knew right away that there was no future, not even an in person date! You have to hear his voice. Maybe not right away because let's face it - you *just* started talking on Saturday - but soon enough. 

My ideas for texting are:

A) Send no more than 2 texts at a time before getting a reply. WAIT for the reply.

B) Wait 24 hours between convo's. This gives him time to make the first move. Men feel more powerful when they initiate contact. Women feel more special when their men are thinking about them.

C) Never send a "hey, what's up?" text. Those are generic and boring. Send something specific and fun. I like "Hey ___ fill in the blank just happened ___ and it made me think of you :-)" It could be anything. Maybe a song came on the radio that you know he loves. Maybe you saw an elephant riding the train. Maybe you just ate the best sushi ever. Anything that's going to make him smile and be like, omg this girl totally gets me!

Be patient! I know it's frustrating but these things take time. You can't grow a garden overnight. You have to plant the seeds, water them, pull the weeds out, and one day those tiny plants will be huge and bearing fruit. It'll happen so slowly, right before your eyes, that you won't even notice. You deserve love, a best friend, someone to take care of you. This guy might be it, he might not. But he will be much more attracted to the beautiful, confident, busy woman you are more than the 'I don't know what happened?" voice in your head right now. Probably nothing happened. Life happened. He's busy, he's got things going on and so do you! Not everyone will disappear. The right guys know how to stick around when a fabulous female comes their way and he'd be lucky to have you. Don't lose sight of that. 

Stay strong darling. It's worth it. I promise. 

Hugs, Kimberly

Dear Kim, 

Thank you so much for writing me back! I've been reading your blogs and you have given me so much inspiration to know that someone good is out there for me and that one day my prince charming will come, as I know will yours. You're so positive even in the face of adversity and negativity and I admire you for that. You are a wonderful lady and I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. You've gained a faithful follower and reader in me! God bless and thank you so much for helping me! You rock!!!

Sincerely,
Heather

Good People

Hi Kim:

I have been following your blog for a long time and I have turned my family and friends on to your journey as well.  I saw your post about there being good people out there and just had an opinion I wanted to share...

When you say "There are good people out there.  NEVER stop believing that" I say, there are a lot more good people in this world than there are bad.  It is hard to believe that, when you are trying to find a good mate, a partner, a lover. Based on your blog, you have had your share of losers and idiots!  Me too!  

You are an incredible person and deserve to be loved by and to give love to someone who is everything you are!  It may take more than 100 cups of coffee and you may need to drink some tea and hot chocolate along the way but the right person is out there. They will show up in your life when you least expect it!

I think what you have been doing is the hardest thing I have ever seen anyone do but I am very inspired by your journey because it took guts and a whole lot of heart!  Your strength is not lost on those of us who look past the reading of your blog to the heart of who you are!  You are remarkable and need to remember that it is going to take someone who is also remarkable to be your match.

I am so happy that through this project you learned how strong you truly are.  You have the ability to inspire and to make people laugh at themselves.  That, Kimberly, is a rare gift! I wish you nothing but happiness and joy in the rest of your journey and in your life.  I look forward to continue reading your blog and hope that love finds you.  You deserve it! 

Anne

Dear Anne, 

One of these days, I won't cry when a reader sends me a heart warming email. That day is not today.

I can't express to you how truly grateful I am that you reached out to me with this letter. It means so much that you took the time to actually sit down and compose a thoughtful message - I'm incredibly appreciative. 

The thing I've learned throughout the project is that I am stronger, smarter, and braver than I gave myself credit for. I didn't really know that before. I just thought I was another silly girl looking to do something with my time and dating is one of those ridiculous things everybody has gone through. My teachers always said "Write what you know" so I've always written about boys, love, dating, relationships. Seriously, since I was like 8 years old! It's just that now I'm 30 and the stakes are higher, hearts get broken and take longer to heal, and the wounds are much deeper than they were all those years ago. 

Regardless of where I've come from or what I've been through, the thing I've never lost is my faith. Ok, confession: I started to lose it when Kit and I broke up. There were definitely some moments in there that I thought "I can NOT go through this again. I won't survive it this time." But as it turns out, I'd gotten stronger, not weaker. And that is the side of me I wanted readers to see. I'm proud of how far I've come from that sad divorced girl crying on the living room floor that her husband is never coming home. I don't torture myself with sappy music or old photos anymore. I'm just a better person for it and despite all evidence to the contrary, I do believe that there are good people out there. I believe in soul mates. I believe in love. And no one can take that away from me. 

Wishing you a lifetime of love, 

Kimberly Spice

Out of the Darkness, Into the Light

Hello my dear,

Well, I'm in California, I'm home alone (happy about that for tonight but tomorrow it will get old - how about you?)

I'm sure that many people are trying to connect with you around your project/book. It's brilliant and savvy and what so many women need.

Here's the kicker -- you have the one thing I have the most trouble with --- honesty despite the mess ups.  I have the hardest time admitting I fucked up.

Recently, I let a guy into my life that seriously harmed me. Most people would take years to recover from what I just went through -- same goes for your situation -- but we won't let them win -- we are too smart and strong to let them win. EVEN if they fool us twice, we are more resilient than they ever will be, simply because we are women and we have each other.

Yes, you definitely help many more than just one person in your journey. You've already helped me and I only found you a weekish ago.

Thank you so very much for showing me the way in one of the biggest areas I struggle with.

To sisterhood,

Dee

PS: For more information on the group I started, Declaring Recovery, visit our facebook page here:

Declaring Recovery

Dee,

I totally get what you're saying about the absolute honesty issue. A LOT of women have been in your shoes (and mine) and hidden themselves from the world. The phrase I hear a lot is "hibernate" --- they want to bury their heads in the sand or hide under the covers or sleep in a dark cave until all the hurt, all the heartache disappears. 

Frankly, I can't promise that it ever will. What if you wake up 5 days, 5 months, 5 years from now and it's still there? It still hurts? Are you going to go right back under the covers and never come out again? NO! Of course not. When we hide, they win. And by "they" I mean the men who broke our hearts. Success is the sweetest revenge. We have to come out of our shells, step out into the light and live our lives. It will be bright. It may even burn your eyes a little bit. Just like those first few rays of morning sunshine, it takes us time to adapt from the darkness. Blink back the tears and carry on. You might stumble along the way because you still can't see the path clearly and that's ok! No one gets it right the first time out and no one expects you to. Stop judging yourself by the mistakes you've made. Judge yourself instead on how many times you can proudly say "I tried for something." Maybe you think you failed at it, but I am willing to bet that you learned a lesson or two along the way. Life is our greatest teacher if we let it be. Allow yourself the time to heal but then please, please move on. Don't let anyone control you, your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions. Be the boss of your own brain (and your own body) so that people can't hurt you in the way you've been hurt before. Learn those lessons, tough though they may be. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you will come back from it bigger and better than ever before. 

Yes, I've been hurt. I've been torn down, messed up, fucked over, and everything in between. I've had my heart broken, my life ruined, and I've had to start over three times now. Is it easy? No. I'm not going to lie to you or sugar coat anything. It's hard. Sometimes, it sucks. I've spent those nights alone on my couch crying because I wish I was with someone but then I have also spent nights relishing that I am accountable to no one but myself. I have full control of the remote. I choose what to eat for dinner. I can stay up all night with a good book and a cup of tea if I want. I hog the covers. I devour cole slaw at midnight by the light of the refrigerator. I spend hours grooming in the bathroom giving myself a pedicure or a facial or whatever the hell I feel like that day. I am in charge of my own life and that in itself is a beautiful feeling. 

Someday, there will be a man by my side who loves me, who treats me well, who respects me. A man who is honest with me, deserves my trust, is faithful and loyal and all the other things my ex was not. Someday, there will be a ring on my finger, Egyptian cotton sheets on my marital bed, beautiful children fast asleep down the hallway, and hot pancakes for breakfast. Someday, all those dreams I've been working towards will come true. I've never lost faith in that and you shouldn't either. What keeps me going strong is my readers - readers like you - who let me know every day that I am not alone, that I am not the only one going through this, that they are lonely too. Being completely honest in a world where people keep stuff like this secret is no easy task. My girlfriends either adore my blog or are horrified that I share everything. No experience is off limits. Nothing is too taboo. My mother calls it 'airing my dirty laundry for all the world to see' but think about Katie Couric getting her colonoscopy on television! Was she embarrassed about sharing that intimate process with millions of people? Yes, I'm sure she was. But if she saved even one life, if even one person got checked out because she went first, then her job is done. That's what I am doing on 100 Cups of Coffee. Hoping that by exposing the good, the bad and the ugly (not *just* the good), some girl some where will be brave enough to take a risk in her own life. She will go on a first date, or tell her friends she's not over her ex, or kick that abusive bastard to the curb. Whatever the situation is, if I've helped even one reader grow, it's mission accomplished for me. 

So thank you for reaffirming everything I do here. It really makes a difference to hear from actual readers. You've warmed my tiny, broken heart!

Wishing you luck and love, 

Kimberly Spice

The Unicorn Theory

My friend Allie is one of the awesomest people I know. She's a sorority sister from my college days although we met a year before either of us pledged, back in the freshman dorms. We crushed on cute boys together, ate in the cafeteria together, and wore pajamas to all our 8 am classes together. Super tight!

Anywho, when he-who-shall-not-be-named and I broke up, I drove two hours north to visit Allie and escape my life for a while. Coming home to the apartment I'd shared with him was simply too painful so I jumped in my car on a five state road trip. Let's just say I made equally good use of my BlueTooth and my iPod during those long, lonely hours on I-95. It was all worth it though, to spend some quality nights with my besties, all spread around the NorthEast.

Allie & I were chatting about the stupidity of men over a few glasses of chardonnay when she busted out her theory of the universe. You see, she's got this great guy friend who goes shopping with her, knows how to dance, and is actually a very decent human being. I know what you're thinking: he's got to be gay? And yet, he's surprisingly straight.

Rocco is a straight, single man with no baggage. He has never been married, has no children, is nobody's baby daddy. He dresses well, owns a car, has his own apartment. He works in a steady job earning a good income and has really nice friends. He comes from a good family, has an excellent education and treats everyone with respect. He holds open doors, pulls out chairs, and will hold your purse while you shop. Actually, he'll pick out a beautiful, expensive purse for you and surprise you with a "just because" gift - which is ten times better. Rocco enjoys cooking, knows how to dance, and loves to snuggle.

Once again, I remind you: this man is straight.

Allie confronted him with her theory on his dating life (and I quote):
     "You're a fucking unicorn."

"Men like you don't exist. Women like me hear about guys like you, we have seen pictures, imagined you for years, but we've never met you in person. We dream you up in our minds, wonder how we'd react if we ever actually came across you, but at the end of the day, you're a mythical creature. You can't meet a nice girl because she's going to spend the entire time you're together asking herself what the hell is wrong with you. Trying to figure out why you're single. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are a figment of her overactive imagination. You are a fucking unicorn."

Seeing as every man I've ever loved is married, gay, or dead, I am right there with Allie on this Unicorn Theory. The good ones are always taken, and the guys who aren't taken are usually single for a reason. We may not know the reason, but it's always there. Rocco's case is unique in that (as far as we can tell) there is nothing mentally, physically, or emotionally wrong with him. He's just a truly great guy with no baggage that happens to be single.

Do you know what this means, ladies? It means, he's out there! Walking around among us: a nice, normal, single, straight guy who is looking for a sweet, wonderful, normal girl to love. A girl just like you!

Where there's one, there's usually more. Look for your unicorn, girls. And don't stop until you find him!