Do u got...

He messages me first with a wink, then a real email. It's short, simple, to the point.

Hey, I think ur pretty. Would luv to chat sometime.

Ok, fine, I will try to ignore the fragments of grammatical laziness in that sentence and focus on the rest of his profile. I respond with a thanks for the wink and some generic questions. He tells me he's 30, lives alone in a condo he bought last year, has 2 sisters who live in towns nearby, and he works full time. Good start.

Then I get this:

wat do u do 4 work

wat time do u work
wats ur fav movie, music, food, color
do u drive
do u got any tats or piercings

hav u ever been arrested
do u got nice feet
do u get ya nails done

I'm sorry, since when are manicures a prerequisite for dating? What exactly constitutes "nice feet"? And how come every man who messages me can't seem to form a coherent sentence or for that matter, type out a THREE LETTER WORD?!?!?!?! I know I've said this before people and I'm sorry to harp on it. But if you can't be bothered, then neither can I.

In case you're wondering, here are the answers to those questions (a reply he never got):

I'm a writer. I date losers for a living.

What time? Whenever I can fit them into my busy schedule of sleeping in and pedicures.

Favorite movie: Princess Bride, Spaceballs, Clue, Goonies

Favorite music: country, jazz, Rat Pack, swing

Favorite food: anything Italian and anything chocolate

Favorite color: almost any shade of blue

Yes, I drive. I'm a grown up.

No tattoos and no piercings (other than my ears cause I'm a girl and it's normal)

No, I've never been arrested. (I don't even wanna ask him the same question)

Yes, I have gorgeous feet (see previous entry: shoe guy...photos in the Scallywag article!)

Oh, and yes, I do get my nails done. But he doesn't need to know that. Freak waiting to happen!!!