Saturday, November 6, 2010

The BirdMan of Bergen

Dear Random Online Person,
You have a very relaxed profile. It was so nice to read. No pressure, just a pleasant way to find out a little bit about you. Thanks for seeming normal and kind. ~Kimberly

Hi Kimberly,
Thanks for writing and thank you so much for the kind words--I really appreciate it! Well I am kind, and I'd like to think I'm normal--but since I like birds so much I guess some people would disagree!--and that's ok with me :) You seem like a warm and friendly person--so if you'd like to chat more I would like that. -R

Warm and friendly, that's me! I just adore the adjectives you use to describe yourself. Honest, loyal, kind, affectionate, respectful. They're so refreshing in a world full of "Hit me up" and "where my ladiez at?" It's really nice to see a man who's not afraid to just be a really good guy :-) I have to tell you that I also love the outdoors and try to spend more time out than in. Your birding hobby fascinates me although I should confess now that I am positively terrified of pigeons. Traumatizing experience, will tell you someday. For now, suffice it to say that it's been 12 years and my friends still make fun of me, but I swear I thought I was going to die that day!!! -Kimberly

Hi Kimberly,
Hope you had a good weekend. Beautiful weather we are having--I love this time of year. (except for the ragweed) Ha!--funny about the pigeons (well probably not funny to you) Most people have a pigeon horror story--so that is ok. I forgive you if you don't like pigeons--but I like them. -R

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Fall is my favorite time of year. I love being able to finally wear my sweaters and jeans again (without having to put on a heavy jacket and snow boots). The coolness in the air at night without all the gross humidity and stickiness of summer. I can't wait for the leaves to start changing so I can take weekend trips upstate to the wineries and apple picking. There is nothing in the world like Autumn in New York. What was the best part of your weekend? Anything fun and exciting coming up in your schedule this week? ~Kimberly

Hey Kimberly,
Last weekend I helped lead some trips for the annual Meadowlands festival of birding. Of course a reported showed up for my trip on Sun so a few horrible pics of me ended up in the local papers... Nothing too fun and exciting. I have seen some very good birds lately. This time of year is exciting birding-wise for me as you never know what will show up next. Yesterday I saw 2 rare birds: a Yellow-headed Blackbird and 2 Buff-breasted Sandpipers. Tomorrow I'll do some birding in the morning and then watch my (pathetic) Cowboys play. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a huge fan--since all they do is disappoint me--oh well. -R

I'm beginning to wonder if I'll have any chance at competing for your attention over the birds ... you certainly know how to make a girl jealous :-) Congrats about the featured article! That's so exciting for you. And not to worry. NO ONE looks good in newspaper pictures. Promise! Kimberly
PS: I totally feel you on the Cowboys front. I was born a Mets fan. Rooting for the underdog is my specialty.

Hey Kim,
So my current situation is that I've had a 2nd meeting/date with someone--but I'm not quite sure if we are on the same page or not--so it's currently up in the air as far as if we are "officially dating" or not--since I honestly don't know. I'm telling you this since I don't want to leave you "in the dark" about anything and because I respect your time and don't want you to miss meeting someone else in the meantime. Having said that I WOULD be interested in meeting you at some point--whether or not I'm "in a relationship"--as I think it's hard to find people like you and I'm betting that in addition to making a good girlfriend you would also make a very good friend...Of course that is if you want to--no pressure at all... -R

Honestly, I don't usually call dating "a relationship" until the third date or beyond. At that point I would cease conversations with anyone else I was talking to because it seems like a good point to become mutually exclusive. I'm happy that you're enjoying getting to know someone and if it goes somewhere, that'd be great for you. I won't hold you back but I also won't make you feel guilty like I'm holding my breath waiting for you on the other side of the computer screen. Is that a fair compromise? And yes, in my experience, "at least it can't get any worse" are famous last words. If I told you stories about guys I've met so far, you'd laugh so hard it would hurt! I'm definitely liking getting to know you as well because you seem normal! You know, minus the whole bird infatuation :-) J/k everyone has to be passionate about SOMETHING!!! ~Kim
PS: You're right. I am a wonderful friend. And an amazing girlfriend... 

Hello Kim,
How have you been? So......I never made it to the 3rd date w/ the woman I mentioned. Even though things seemed to be going well--I guess it was one-sided, as she didn't feel "the chemistry." Anyway--since I'm officially "available" now I'd love to keep talking if you feel the same way--and If you'd like to talk on the phone sometime that would be nice too. You should know that I am looking for someone who completely understands and accepts that I'm passionate about birds and sports and that they are my "escape" from the everyday stresses of life--and that it doesn't mean that they are more important than the person I'm with even if it may occasionally seem so (and the "cherry on top" would be someone who would actually watch a game w/ me or go on a birding outing w/ me (once in a while--not all the time of course!)
Now that's not too much to ask for is it?!? -R

*Note to the Readers: It is at this point that my curiosity wins out over my common sense. In the interest of writing (as I'm assuming we've all determined by this point that BirdMan is just writing material) I decide to call him. He messages me his number and I try with all my might to keep a straight face throughout the conversation.*

Highlights from our phone call include:

You know what they call me around these parts? The BirdMan of Bergen!
(I think I knew your father...are you the son of Alcatraz?)

When would you like to meet? I have to plan it around the sparrows and work.
(Does it frighten anyone else that these two things are in the same category of importance?)

Oh, I can't meet you in the city. I don't go to New York.
(What? You live 30 minutes away. It's even faster by train!)

The big city scares me. I wouldn't know where I was going. Maybe you could meet me at the train station?
(What are you, five years old? Do you need me to hold your hand when crossing the street and cut the crusts off of your PBJ sandwich?)

Ooh, even better, you could just come meet me in Jersey! You drive, right?
(A - yes, I drive. I'm a grown-up. B - No fucking way am I crossing a bridge, or rather TWO bridges, to meet you for a first date. Sorry.)

Needless to say that the whole awkward time we were talking, many, many uncomfortable silences filled the air. He was nervous and stuttered often and I wondered how the other girl made it through two whole dates with him. What's sad is that his profile really did sound promising but he simply couldn't hide the crazy factor very well (or rather, at all.)

Men, the lesson here is this: If you have an unusual obsession, that's great. I am not advising you to change who you are. But girls really don't need to know about it until MUCH later on. Keep your inner geek in check until you have at least secured a date with us. If you want to slowly start revealing the skeletons in the closet, give us time to absorb them and accept you for who you are. Please understand, however, that should you bombard us with psycho babble about said obsession from Day One, you will be sitting home alone with your birds / Legos / comic books / video games / action figures for a very long time. Good Luck! Love, Women Everywhere


  1. Oh Makes being single more tolerable...

  2. Who the hell lives that close to the city and doesn't go? On that fact alone he is dismissed. Birds, that I might be able to wrap my head around, its outdoors, it could take you to some exotic locations, and you'll always know what to get him for a present (some kind of bird watching thing-a-ma-bob/book).

    Did he really say "I have to plan it around the sparrows and work."? I think I would have pissed myself.

  3. Yeah but it's better to know the crazy now then later right?

  4. it...gotta say the bird obsession would have been too much for me.