I'm Allergic to Boring

4 dates, $400 and 0 laughs later...

His profile reads: "I am allergic to facebook" which is possibly the most intriguing sentence I've ever read. I am addicted to facebook, which is probably why I never should've signed up in the first place. Facebook is the vortex of all my free time. I sit at the computer and am instantly sucked into a black hole where my hours simply disappear inexplicably. At least I've given up the games. Quit cold turkey. There simply weren't enough hours in the day to tend to my farm, my cafe, my fish tank, not to mention my actual friends! I could choose sleep or facebook... suffice it to say I was tired for a LONG time!

But I digress.

Our conversations online are sporadic at best. He has a full time job where he's constantly on call and it drains the life out of him. He barely has an available waking moment which is why he signed up for online dating in the first place. He doesn't meet anyone in real life because he's constantly chained to his computer. That being said, he's a very good looking guy. He's six feet tall, has deep, dreamy eyes, an incredibly fit body, and slightly curly dark blonde hair that I would totally run my fingers through if it wasn't held together with maximum strength hair product!

We grew up only a few towns apart (I adore Massapequa boys!) but now he lives on the Upper West Side. He's got his own apartment facing Central Park where he goes running every day (or at least, every day he isn't stuck in the office.) It's the only time he does not carry his BlackBerry around with him because he's cracked a few too many of them on the Central Park pavement. Figures it's safer leaving the expensive device at home. Besides, he's been known to answer emails and phone calls in the shower, at least let the boy get a run in!

At this point, I am sufficiently convinced that he's a workaholic but he promises me he's looking for a new job come next year. I was already married to a man who averaged an 80 hour work week. I am not interested in dating another, thank you very much. He assures me that he's sticking out this position through holiday bonus season and then he's sending out resumes and going on interviews. Six years with this company is enough that he knows there's no bigger future there for him. Managing director of internet security sounds very impressive as long as you don't take into consideration all the sacrifices he's made to get there! Forgive me, but I'd rather shower in peace!

I admire his drive, determination and dedication. Most of my friends haven't approached this level of success by 29 (and in some cases, older!) I would love to afford my own apartment near the museums but for most of us, it's a fantasy. Not that a man's bank account is his most impressive feature, but it's nice that he can treat to drinks and I don't have to worry. He's very generous in never allowing me to pay and we went to some pretty swanky bars in midtown. Then again, he consistently matched my two martinis with four of his own, citing a "rough day at the office" each time. Really? Why do I get the sense that this is an ongoing thing...

Date #1: Meet at fancy bar on 7th in midtown. I look cute in a sweater dress and tall boots with heels. He's business casual with a button down and loafers, fitting right in with the "drinks near Penn station" crowd. I order two French Kiss martinis. He orders four Captain & Gingers. We talk about music, weekend plans, and what brought us to online dating. Confess the bare minimum of relationship histories, give general background on our family lives, mention religious upbringing and there are no red flags. He's polite, intelligent, and attractive. He gives me a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek when we part ways, saying that this was fun and he'll call me to do it again soon. Score!

Date #2: Meet at a fancy bar on 5th in midtown. I look cute in a purple plaid button down and tall boots with heels. He's business casual with a button down and loafers, fitting right in with the "happy hour lounge" crowd. I order two chocolate peppermint martinis. He orders four chocolate raspberry martinis. We talk about our towns, friends we might have in common, high school days and our favorite spots on Long Island. He doesn't know much about the city seeing as he's lived in it for less than a year and 90% of that time has been spent en route from his apartment to his office and back again. I give him the walking tour of Flatiron / Chelsea and he tells me all the places he'd like to go but has never been. I shift my bag to the outside shoulder in case he tries to hold my hand but no such move is made. He gives me a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek, saying he had a nice time and we should do this again soon. Score!

Date #3: Meet at an Asian restaurant. I look cute in a black and white wrap shirt with black slacks and heels. He's business casual with a button down and loafers, fitting right in with the "dumplings before dark" crowd. I order hot green tea. He orders a bottle of warm sake. This is the first time we actually share a meal, although I realize quickly that we have very different tastes. I am allergic to peppers. He loves spicy food. He's allergic to shellfish. I could make a meal out of shrimp cocktail. We talk about his boat, the friends he shares it with, going fishing with his dad. I tell him about my summers in the Hamptons, my family's passion for being on the water, my brother in the Coast Guard. We swap stories of fishing, clamming and crabbing before I realize he doesn't eat any of it. He just likes being out there, spending time with people close to him, relaxing, having a few beers (a few?) and being able to breathe. He gives me a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek, saying he'll call me this week to let me know what days he's free to meet up again! Score?

Date #4: Meet at a different fancy bar on 7th in midtown. I look cute in a tunic and leggings with tall boots. He's business casual with a button down and loafers, fitting right in with the "swanky hotel bar with the mistress before heading home to the wife" crowd. This place is a mix of middle aged to older men smelling like hedge fund money and younger women with push up bras and Brazilian straightened hair smelling like hyenas on the hunt. It's disturbing in a way only New York can offer. I am hit on three times in the five minutes before my date walks in. Note to self: If I ever want to pimp myself out for free drinks and bar snacks, this is the place to do it! I order two Cosmos. He orders four Bombay dirty martinis. We talk about work, work, and more work. By the fifth time he checks his BlackBerry, I make a new rule. No more office talk or looking at email until the date it over. I know that this is a risky move but I'm getting very sick of being overshadowed by his job! I'm interesting and exciting and intelligent and sexy and he needs to be distracted long enough to appreciate that! He survives a full thirty minutes before "something important" comes up he has to respond to so I excuse myself to the ladies room. I take a good long look in the mirror. I'm cute as a button. I'm smarter than the average bear. I'm sweet and funny and outgoing and bubbly and this date is boring the shit out of me! He has not said anything remotely interesting in four whole dates. He has not made me laugh at all. He has not made any attempt to kiss me, or even touch me. Seriously, not one hand hold, not one brush against my arm, nothing. The only physical contact he's made with me was when he got onto his bar stool and accidentally brushed my leg. He profusely apologized! I don't think I can do this anymore. I know he told me he was shy and nervous and took a while to warm up but a month? Who takes a month to get comfortable enough to face the person you're talking to? As much as I enjoy a good martini in a pretentious bar, the time has come for this ship to sail. For the first time, I do not offer to pick up the check or leave the tip. We grab our coats and I hail a cab. He gives me the requisite one-armed hug and kiss on the cheek, saying he'll call me this week to set something up. But I do not look back.

Dates: 4
Drinks: 18
Cost: $400
Displays of affection: 0
Times I laughed: 0
Times he mentioned work: Countless

Time to move on? Priceless...