Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Sacrifice of Sex

Sitting in Starbucks on Shrove Tuesday was a highly entertaining experience. 

I over indulged in pancake brunch mid-afternoon, complete with sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs with cheese, mandarin oranges, white grapes, chocolate chip cookies, juice, and tea. Needless to say, I wasn't hungry when I got to "the office" however I did walk in with a huge box of chocolate candies. 

Why, Kimberly, Why? Because I'm giving up chocolate for Lent. 

There are certain things that come easily to me. Sacrifice is not one of them. Giving up something I love - I mean really and truly enjoy - is overwhelmingly painful for me. The silly little things in my day, those small pleasures, those are the things that make me happiest. Dolling up with some gorgeous jewelry. Tipping back a full glass of chilled moscato. Sparkly lip gloss. Hour long phone calls to my bestie. A hot cup of rooibos tea. Steamy, relaxing morning showers. Driving with the windows down and the radio up. Reality tv. Chocolate truffles. Crazy good sex.

Like I said... it's the little things!

Anywho, I sat down at the home office and the very cute guy next to me was working on his laptop so I offered him first choice of candy from my stash. Kit Kats, Butterfinger, Twix, Tootsie Rolls, Hershey bars, Mr Goodbars, Rolos and even Lindt truffles! Yes, I know, I was pretty irresistible. Still, we are trained from birth not to take candy from strangers so he was hesitant to accept my calorific offering until I smiled sweetly and explained "I'm giving them up for Lent starting tomorrow." 

Well that got his attention.

Cute guy: Really? You know you're supposed to give up the thing you love the most?
Me: Yup. Chocolate.
Cute guy: So chocolate is the thing you love the most? You can't think of a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g you enjoy more?
Me: Oh, I'm sure I could think of a few things. (((Ring check: He's married.))) But nothing else I'd be willing to give up!
Cute guy: Oh really?
Me: Well, I know plenty of people who give up sex for Lent.
Cute guy: But not you?
Me: Nah. I'm single. I'm not having sex. So really, I'd only be giving up the opportunity to have sex with someone and a single girl's gotta take what she can get when she can get it.
Cute guy: Wow. You've really thought this through.
Me: Yup. Plus, I figure that by giving up chocolate I'll look even better for when that opportunity arises. It's a win-win-win situation.
Cute guy: Three wins, eh?
Me: Yup. God gets my sacrifice, you get my chocolate, and I get laid.

I really have to stop making people laugh so hard they choke on their coffee.

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