Monday, February 20, 2012

Less Is More

Some of you may recognize this email from two years ago when I first started this project. (If you don't, please see here: GREETINGS) That's because this guy is clearly the King of Copy & Paste.  I got this message from him (again) on a completely different website. Needless to say, he was kind of unforgettable and not in a good way. The thing about online dating is that LESS IS MORE. Be quick, witty, complimentary, and let the other person respond to your flirtation. 

His email??? Nothing like that. I've honestly seen less information on a resume for a full-time job with benefits.

My ideal message is something along the lines of: 
       Hi! I noticed _something about you_ and think that we'd get along great because _I also eat / listen to / watch / travel around_ that awesome thing / place. Pay a compliment. Make a small joke. Here is an interesting tidbit about me. Ask a question. Smiley sign off. 

Here is the reply I wanted to send. *Please note: Don't worry. I stopped myself. Barely.*

Hey there, 

How are you doing today? My name is Kevin and I like your profile and picture very much and find you very sexy and attractive and it would be great to know you better. 

Hi Kevin. I'm great, thanks for asking. 

A few words about myself: My name is Kevin. I am 38 years old and was born and raised in New York City. So tell me about where you were raised and born? 

Ummmm, I know. You just told me your name was Kevin like 30 seconds ago. 

During the week I am working at a Web hosting company as a Networking Engineer and I love working in the IT Computer field you know. What kind of work are you doing? 

I am a writer, focusing on online dating relationships and disasters. For your sake, I hope you never find this out.

As you can tell from my pictures my nationality is Irish, German, Swedish and a mix of Russian from two generations ago as I’ve been told. So tell me about your Nationality? I’m very close with my family and love them all very much with my full heart and everything. Are you close with your family? How big is your family? 

Shockingly, I cannot tell your nationality based on your pictures. I see that you're a tall, white guy with green eyes, but you could be from anywhere. My dad's side is Sicilian so I should be short and tan with dark, curly brown hair and chocolate eyes but I'm tall and blonde with the complexion of a Twilight vampire in the sunlight, so I don't think that's a fair indicator whatsoever. 

At night I’m attending the University of Phoenix and majoring in Computer Networking going for my Bachelors degree. So what college and degree do you have if any? 

I have several college degrees but mine are from brick & mortar institutions. I applaud you going back to school to further your education but really, don't tell anyone you're a Phoenix. Those commercials are embarrassing.

What I love about your profile is that your very interested in many different things and I am looking for a lady that’s well diversified and can talk to her about anything in general. 

And yet, you don't mention a single one of those things, leading me to believe that you did not, in fact, read my profile, or that you know anything about me at all.

Now when I am not working or doing the online classes on the internet some of my interests are watching movies, eating out, watching or attending sporting events, visiting museums, biking around New York City, playing a game of pool or bowling as well. At times enjoy going to concerts, art galleries, going to the beach or pool and traveling to different places as well. What do you like doing for fun? What are you passionate about? For me its discovering new placing to bike, learning new foods to cook, learning how to be a better dancer, learning more about the Titanic and why and how the ship sank so fast. 

A) The Titanic sank because it hit an iceberg.
B) For fun, I go on dates with guys who like doing everything, which basically means they have no real opinion on anything.  You could be such a great catch if you weren't so generic!

I wanted to be honest with you and let you know that I’m looking for a lady to meet and have a relationship and I’m only interested in meeting a lady that’s interested in having a romantic relationship and is going to want to see me again and know me more after the first date and being happy and everything. 

This sentence is not coherent English. I literally have no response.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon, Cheers! Kevin 

Doubt it. Seriously, doubt it. Cheers, Kimberly


  1. Translation: "am looking for green card, I pay you very well."