Friday, March 8, 2013

Frogs and Princes

Dear Readers, 

I know I told you to kiss a frog, to kiss a hundred frogs, to kiss a thousand frogs in hopes of finding your prince. There is a caveat to that advice: If your frog uses the phrase "hmu" (hit me up) or "holla back" or if he cannot form a coherent sentence, the chances are that he is full on frog with very little chance of turning prince anytime soon. Also, if he only sends photos from the neck down, or worse - the waist down, and asks for the same in return, he is 100% toad. Finally, should he propose sexual favors in the opening email, you are NOT the only girl he's requesting that from (or offering it to) and his royalty status is null and void. Run away! Run away and never look back! 

The following emails fell into the full on Frog Category. Bad for kissing. Good for writing material. Happy reading!!!

send me a asspic !!! latinoo
call me a gangsta nd a gentleman.

Im not pretty but i do keep in good shapee
Last book: ART OF WAR (Sunzu)
Last Album 2pac loyal to the game
Last movie: ice age 4(LOL)

I'm just living it day by day, i read, write, cook.. the whole 9 yards.

Somehow, I don't think he actually reads. He shouldn't be allowed to cook. And if he thinks that Ice Age 4, 2Pac and asspix are "the whole nine yards," he's got a rude awakening ahead of him. If only I could be there to watch!

ok..i will give it one shot and hope i am the one...i really liked your post.....thats sounds fucking awesome....if you are sexy sensual passionate chill fun and funny and like to chat and laugh and kiss and make mad passionate love maybe we might have something....i  am looking for someone i have chemistry with and is chill and just wants to relax and be themselves and enjoy....we all have enough shit in  our lives ....just looking to enjoy someones company ..some drinks ....great conversation...some laughs......  great sessions of making mad passionate love...i am 46 5'9" 170lbs in excellent shape as  i workout 4-5 days a week..ok so whose addicted...uh...that would be me......i will send face pics but need to know you are real ...i have  green eyes with an athletic muscular build and very very short brown hair with some grey...hmmm   or is it all gray..i never know ....the english language can be so confusing at times with all the rules like i before e accept after c and then all the words that sound the same are spelled different and have different know words like their there and theyre...we're wear and where..pique peek and peak,,,sea..oops see what i mean.....ok please be laughing or at least have a smile on your face or im screwed and not in a good way...if you are seeking a caring giving fun loving chill playmate and friend holla back..yeah im 46 and just wrote holla...well cuz thats the kinda guy i am.....if you are interested ...get back to me and lets chat.....send some pics of your sexy bad self too......

How in the name of all things holy did this man survive 46 years on Earth and no one has smacked some sense into him??? This email like a "How NOT to Talk to Women" guide for single idiots everywhere. Also, he broke every grammar, punctuation, and spelling rule on  the planet. He is most definitely screwed...and not in the good way. Ugh.
*Please note: Any guesses what he actually sent pictures of...since we know it's not his face?!?!*

Not to sure.... I have never watched any of that crap... to nerdy Lol why would you wanna date those losers instead of me? Am I wrong for being honest??

No, you're not wrong for being honest. You're wrong for insulting what I'm looking for. But definite bonus points for honesty. 

What makes me nerdy... hmm... probably the fact that I don't think I am a nerd! You'll have to judge for yourself. I have six computers, a Gollum (LOTR) action figure, and over 3000 dvd movies...I am a graduate student (online) in Management Information Systems. The last book I read was "The Cucko's Egg". I am currently reading "The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains." I have lots of interests and would love to have someone sweet and cuddly to share them with! I am also always interested in new things. Reading that back, yeah I guess I am a nerd!

Dude, you were nerdtastic from "six computers" but if you wanna add on a Lord of the Rings "action figure" and a staggering film collection, you're pretty much looking to be King of the Nerds! Why not embrace your nerdiness in all its glory???
*Please note: I know what you're thinking readers: He's perfect! Why not go out with him? Because he's 5'2 and I am 5'9. That's why. Sorry!!!*

hi im single italian im 38 i love the beach when its warm lol im in to atv,s i love my quad lol im a good cook to. Cuddling is nice watching a movie so if u think this is what your lookin for fun then respond wit a pic

This guy sent me pictures (plural) of his ATV. Not of him on it, not of him riding it, none of him at all actually. Just pictures of his quad. And he wonders why he's single?

your add caught my eye, i found it rather amusing. I think your idea of a nerd is a bit cliche.. haven't read LOTR, but I have researched the symbolism behind the ring and the characters its actually really interesting. To me nerdy is when someone is very knowledgeable about a certain subject, and knows all about this particular matter. I'm a fight nerd ( I do mma, and know all about it.. its a science). I also enjoy reading.. I love to analyze music, movies,books and people. Currently a student in college, just got a 3.7 this semester (that qualifies as nerd). I'm am very nice and respectable, as well as spiritual. btw in the picture i am on the right, the cuter one ;)

It took all of my will power not to write back to this guy because I didn't have the heart to tell him that he is not, in fact, "the cuter one." I know myself. I would've asked who his friend was and if he was single instead. I'm a mean, mean girl!

Hey beautiful im a big nerd i absolutley love LOTR i have them all on dvd and im gonna see the hobbit i love video games and comic books and i go to comic con alot if this is the type of guy ur looking 4 im 22 im a nerdy actor country boy hmu

You had me at nerdy and country. You lost me at 22 and hmu.

as long as ive got a face baby u got a place to sit call me i’m hot joe 

Joe did include a phone number and a photo of the face he wished me to sit on. He was not hot. I did not call. Also, can we just say for the record: eeeeewwwwwwwwww!!!

Hey what's up I’m 27 I'm irish and I’m Italian and I have brown hair and eyes I'm 5'8" and I'm down for anything. I love the summer going out to water parks, beach, family's house for BBQ. I'm into sports love football I play hockey. I love animals big animal person went to school for vet-tech but now I work for a car dealership lol. Im into tattoos and I  drink sometimes not that big of a drinker unless there's Beerpong  or a crazy storm  lol.  I have my own apartment and I drive I have a car. I also enjoy racing my car at the track and on the  street lol.   In my pic I'm mad fucked up sorry lol. 

If I was a lesser person, I would attach his photo here. He is clearly "mad fucked up" and it is seven levels of hilarious. Somehow, I imagine a lot of crazy storm beerpong in his life. Like, a lot.

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