REWARD: If anyone knows the true identity of the fan who wrote this email, please contact me. I want to meet him :-)
I recently came across your blog and can relate. It’s not easy for men out there either and it may even be harder because whether we like it or not, and whether you admit it or not, women have most of the power in the dating world. It is very rare that men get to see things from a real woman’s perspective and I would like to say thank you.
The reason I am writing is that I happened to be reading your entries “Two by Two” and “The Unicorn Theory” and would like to help you clarify a ‘Unicorn'.
First of all Unicorns didn’t miss the ark, they arrived on time all ready to go but they were faced with a problem, Noah didn’t believe they were real. When the Unicorns got to the ramp to board Noah look at them and said “we already have horses and only have room for two of each animal”. The unicorns tried to explain who they were but it was no use, Noah refused them entry, and the rest is history.
As for unicorns in dating you touched on many factors that affect them. The fact that we may be perceived as gay, and that when you do find us you don’t believe what you’ve found is real, are both unfortunately true. We also have to deal with the ideas of what you ladies think defines the perfect man which, in many cases, are unrealistic archetypes based on the handful of Hollywood and Disney love stories out their when they should be based on the billions of real love stories in the world. We are kind, caring, mature individuals who know the value of, and respect, the people in our lives. We live lives that have meaning to us, we are happy with who we are, comfortable being single and know what we are looking for and are willing to wait to find it.
We also may not be actively looking or as actively looking as most of the single people out there. We are not the type, for example, to send out dozens of emails on dating sites. We are one woman guys that look for specific, uniquely special, women and send out emails only to those lucky few. We believe that women deserve respect and we choose not to spread ourselves thin so we can give that special women all the attention they deserve.
When we do find someone we can also have trouble expressing our true feelings, beyond the level of friends, because we don’t want to lose our friends or get rejected. Yes ladies men are afraid of rejection as well, especially unicorns, because when a unicorn approaches you his feeling are genuine and meaningful, he wants to show you how truly special he knows you are, and it hurts when he is rejected. Unicorns have also been rejected and overlooked many times because, as you said people don’t know how to deal with us, we are considered nice guys, and the phrase “nice guys finish last” wasn’t just created out of thin air. I know there is a need for caution out there but all I can say is don’t be too skeptical.
When looking for a unicorn, you first have to strip away all the nonessentials and get down to the man. And when I say non essential, I mean anything that can change in a heart beat, such as the car he drives, the clothes he wears, how much money he makes, where he lives, what he does for a living, etc. because, as we have seen in recent times, all this can change very quickly. The guy you fell in love with because he had a good job, his own place and a new Camaro, could lose all of that, through no fault of his own, and end up unemployed, living at home, driving a his parents car and if those were the thing you based your relationship on then you never really had one to begin with. You need to look at the man above all else and listen to what he is really saying, and that also means paying attention to his action which we know speak louder than words. This does not mean sitting there picking apart everything he says and does while you wait for the other shoe to drop. It means being there in the moment, enjoying your time together, and working make the date enjoyable for both of you because as soon as you do that you will both have a better understanding of the person you are with. Now this is not a one and done thing, these observation need to be done over time because, lets face it, on a first date women want Prince Charming and we want to get through it without making fools of ourselves, the whole time wondering how we got so lucky. Over time the true colors of any guy will become apparent, the guy who says all the right thing at first might turn out the be a lying jerk and they guy who is nervous and a little shy at first may eventually open up and be your Prince Charming. There is a reason we have the story of The Frog Prince, and it’s not to illustrate the point that “you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince”, it’s to illustrate that a prince can came in all form, you just have to look deeper to find them. And remember ladies that all men (and woman) have faults and idiosyncrasies but perfection is in the eye of the beholder.
You tell your readers to go out and look for their own unicorns but most ladies have no idea how. So to help I would like to share a story that has been circulating on line:
“A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.
Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.
The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.
This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people.
The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?”
This story highlights a major problem that affects all aspects of our lives including dating. We move too fast in our daily lives to appreciate all the beautiful things and, in many cases, people around us. Remember it takes time to get to know someone and truly see them for who they are, but first you have to see them. Approximately 1100 people walked passed Joshua and only a small fraction of them showed any noticeable interest in him while the majority probably didn’t even notice. So I want you to ask yourselves those questions at the end of the story as they apply to your entire life, including dating.
I hope this small bit of insight from the other side has given you a better understand of unicorns. Many of you ladies have learned to spot an Ass from a mile a way, now hopefully with this information you can apply that same eye to spotting a Unicorn.
I wish you and all your readers luck in their dating endeavors.
P.S. On a more personal note Kimberly, I hope you have now found your unicorn, because from what I can tell you are uniquely special and deserve nothing less.