Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The holidays are the perfect time to meet someone new, mostly because your friends are all having parties. I have figured out the exact science behind these meetings so here it is: When your coupled-off friends throw a shindig, it is both their right AND their responsibility to invite as many single people as they know in the hopes that some of them will pair off together. This dynamic duo may last for one drunken make-out session or might form an actual relationship in the future. Either way, couply people LOVE to see more people being couply.
You see, when you're single and the rest of your friends are paired off, they don't really know what to do with you. You're this weird mystery they can't figure out. You're a great person; you're funny and smart and good looking. I mean, you have to be otherwise why would they even be friends with you? But couples don't understand why their "great" single friends are still single, so they play matchmaker at every available turn. What better time to get set up than during an egg nog induced stupor?
I was at one such party just before the changing of the years. There were a few cool people I knew and even more that I'd never met before. One guy we shall refer to as Curious George came right up and introduced himself to me. Took my hand and held it for a moment too long while staring into my eyes. I assumed that the chardonnay had thrown off my sense of time so I smiled graciously back at him.
Curious George asked what I did for a living (standard opening question) to which I replied that I am a writer. He said, "Really? What do you write about?" I didn't have time to answer because the peanut gallery behind me religiously follows my blog and informed Curious George that I was going on 100 first dates this year and writing about the experience. He replied (all the while looking me straight in the eyes) "Oh, so you're single?" I nodded yes. He asked what constituted a first date. I said, "Usually there is some sort of meeting spot. Possibly food or just a shared activity." He then asked if I'd like to go on a date with him. Um...sure, ok. "How about right now?" Um...sure, ok.
At first, we headed into the kitchen which had magically cleared out, but there was nowhere comfortable to sit and chat so he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I checked with my hostess first to make sure this guy wasn't a total creeper and could be trusted to stroll around the block with. She assured me he was a little intense but otherwise, perfectly normal. I grabbed my coat and another shot of liquid courage and out the door we went.
He shivered when we got outside, remarking how cold it had gotten (duh, it IS December in New York) and suggested we drive around for a while instead of walking. All of my "don't get in the car with strangers" lessons kicked in and I would like to personally thank my third grade teacher for instilling this concept into my brain with such urgency. I said that it was definitely chilly but an otherwise beautiful night so we should get our blood pumping with a good walk as planned. (I had also told my friends that if I wasn't back in 10 minutes, to come out and find me!)
We looked at the houses with Christmas lights up and Curious George said, "I've always admired how the lights shimmer and twinkle against the dark night sky. There's something really magical about them, you know? Like crystals shining in each and every snowflake."
Ok, first of all, WHO TALKS LIKE THAT??? You are not Lewis Carroll and this is not 1864. Yes, it's all very poetic and I'm assuming you're trying to impress the writer girl but come on! If you're also trying to get laid, you need a new approach, my friend.
We moved on to a few more houses and he asked me what styles of decoration I like. I prefer classically elegant, more Victorian and simplistic in appeal than all these plastic reindeers and blow up Santas. I have never been a huge fan of the inflatable moving snow globes that adorn lawns these days. A few green garlands, red bows and white lights will do just fine for me, thanks. He then launched into a diatribe about wanting his own home with a beautiful wife and family inside, the warmth of love around each of them, keeping everyone warm.
Dude, CUT IT OUT! You're scaring the poor girl who agreed to a walk around the block, not a future planning session with a total stranger. PS: What's with holding my hand? Keep your mitts in your pockets where they'll be warm and kindly stop suggesting marriage while you're at it!
Finally, we got back to the party after what felt like the most ridiculous ten minutes of my week (definitely a trip down the rabbit hole.) He thanked me for my time, lifting my hand to his lips to kiss it. He admired my fingertips for a second before saying "You have a lovely manicure."
I left my coat on when I got inside, thanked the hostess for having me over and told my friends to call me with plans for the New Year. I couldn't keep a straight face long enough to say good-bye to Curious George as he promised to call me so we could go on another date again soon.
Whoops, I forgot to give him my number. Oh darn...