New Year, New Losers

Just wanted to share with you a few of the emails I've gotten this week. Apparently, every loser in the Tri-State area has now signed up for online dating and most of them have messaged me. Hand-selected for your enjoyment:

From Dart42:

I'm the Prince of Persia. And I totally don't do drugs. Like ever. Except for tons of cough syrup. Cuz that like legal and stuff.

From Not2Serious:

I like you. You're fun, lighthearted, and goofy. You don't take yourself so seriously, and don't have a stick up your ass about life and people. If you do have a stick up your ass about life and people, message me anyway. I'll probably just annoy you though.

From LOTR36:

Me: So what are you doing with your life?
Him: Contemplating Nobel Prize winning sexual algorithms.

From Ahmed:

You cute. I like get to know you. You want talk me too? We good together. I see you soon cutie.

From Luvable_Dork:

I like to watch movies, go for walks, read books, read comics, play video games, shoot pool, play mini-golf, shop. I'm looking for that special someone. Someone to settle down with and have kids. Now I'm not looking to get married on the first date or anything, but I want something long term and serious. I'm quite funny. I can be goofy and silly at times, but hey its fun. I currently work at Walgreens until I write a book, make a movie, or develop time traveling technology.
My favorite things are: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Slaughterhouse 5, Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Twilight, Sherlock Holmes, Shakespeare and Poe, Star Wars Trilogy, V for Vendetta, Alice in Wonderland, Across the Universe, What Dreams May Come, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, The Runaways, Watchmen, Mallrats, Shaun of the Dead, Halloween, My Name is Bruce, The One, Casablanca, Monsters vs Aliens, Dazed and Confused, Harry Potter, Twilight, Wallace and Gromit, Ricky Bobby, Anchorman, Nirvana, The Offspring, Green Day, Taylor Swift, Luke Bryan, Lady Gaga, Glee, Weird Al, Coheed, Tenacious D, Brad Paisley, Beatles, Ozzy, Johnny Cash, Dethklok, Flogging Molly, Foo Fighters, and Blink 182, Glee, House, Law & Order SVU, Modern Family, Buffy, Angel, The Office, Batman TAS, Ed Edd N Eddy, ATHF, Harvey Birdman, Robot Chicken, Family Guy, Venture Bros, Futurama, One Life to Live, Ace of Cakes.

Gee...I don't know who to write back to first!!!