Monday, January 24, 2011

You Scared Me At Hello

"You're so great! Why are you single?"

Dear coupled-off people,

When you begin conversations with phrases such as this, it does NOT make me envious of your two-by-two life together. It makes me want to punch you in the face.

"I know this fantastic guy. If you can get over the ever so slight hunchback, he's an absolute sweetheart."

Again, you arrogant assholes, please stop trying to set me up with the scraps at the bottom of the loser barrel. Just because he's single and I'm single does NOT mean we are compatible in any other way.

"Oh my gosh, my friend just finished dating this man who secretly has a wife and kids in Poland. He was hiding them from her for months. She couldn't deal with it but I think you're a much stronger woman and now the cat's out of the bag, right? Do you want me to give him your number?"

Once more, a ring on your left hand makes you superior to me in no way, shape or form. If I wanted to swim at the shallow end of the gene pool for mating purposes, I can find my own way there. Thanks.

Fast forward to present day and I find myself asking everyone I know if they have a single guy friend to set me up with. He's still living at home in his parents' basement, watching Family Guy and working at Stop N Shop? At least he has a job! He's had no long term relationships in the past and a penchant for watching porn on a nightly basis? Great, will probably be very creative in bed! He's out on probation for a crime of unknown specificity? I'll take it! Standards have not just been lowered, my friends. They've been thrown out the proverbial window!

This whole concept of saying "yes" to everyone led me into some very unfamiliar territory. I've had to instill a whole mess of trust into acquaintances who've offered up their unattached male specimens for further investigation. One such male creature I managed to frighten off in less than ten seconds, a new record for me!

One of my fabulous improv teammates and her boyfriend love to read my blog and chuckle to themselves about not missing life as a single person in New York. I don't mind this because they're both totally supportive of everything I do and read my blog religiously. (Much appreciated!) She came to practice one day and said "Ok, my boyfriend has this co-worker he wants to set you up with. I'm just warning you - don't do it! He thinks this guy would be great for you because he's English and your ex-husband was English. That's the only connection and I'm just saying: Disaster. Waiting. To. Happen!"

*Note to self: while the accent is always appealing, I really must stop falling for foreigners.

The intriguing part of this scenario for me was how dead-set against it my friend was and how excited about the prospect of setting me up with someone her boyfriend was. After four years of dating and two years of knowing me, how could they have such differing perspectives? It made me all the more itchy to find out about this guy.

Attempt #1: I am driving my friend into rehearsal when she says "Wanna have a four way?" Ummm, ok this is new but sure! "No silly, not like that! I'm gonna call my boyfriend and he's at work with his friend. This way you two can talk!" Alright, hold on. Let me put on lipstick! (Yes, I know it was over the phone. And yes, I was kidding...sort of...) She puts her boyfriend on the phone and I say hello. He grabs his friend to talk on speakerphone and there is dead silence. I say hello again. No response. Boyfriend comes back on the phone to say that friend froze and had to excuse himself to the men's room. Wow, I scared him at "hello" - Failed.

Attempt #2: Friend and her boyfriend are out at a fancy company dinner. Co-worker guy is also there. As we are all in the city, I suggest meeting up for a drink after. She mentions this to him, he grabs his coat and hails a cab, not to be seen or heard from again until Monday morning. Failed.

Attempt #3: Friend and I are performing in a show this coming Saturday. Her boyfriend will be in the audience playing the supportive role (as he should be!) I asked if he'd be inviting co-worker guy and the response was: "I asked him, but it's too social. He doesn't do well with people." Failed.

Strike 3 dude. Sorry but you're out. Guess I better keep the hunchback as a contingency plan?


  1. I try to read your blog religiously and feel your joy, your pain, your disgust, and even at times the feelings you may not mention...

    Being single and raising a nine year old who has an attitude as large as the Statue of Liberty, I wish sometimes I could date anyone I want to and not worry about whether or not I fall for some idiot that turns out to be on the Megan's Law Website. Then as I read further, he has a penchant for girls between nine and thirteen with the same characteristics as my attitude spewing daughter. Thank goodness I only date women! Not that men are bad as a whole because I have dated some really nice guys, I have always just preferred my own gender.

    I do not envy your task or your attempt to find the right guy, especially one who is the marrying type, but I do in may ways envy the freedom. Hunchback, you say? Glass eye; really? Limp because one leg is shorter than the other? I'll take it! Okay maybe I wouldn't but I know as I get older, and I mean I am pushing 50, I finally had given up trying to find THE one and turned all my focus onto my education. Then it happened... I am sitting on a completely different coast than you, and THE one, but she is there, waiting, so I guess the next move is mine.

    Have a hundred more cups of coffee if you need to dear, but have them with the mindset of not wanting to find THE one and you will turn around to refill your cup and he will be the one at the other table reading Kurt Vonnegut and wondering why you are sitting at the table with the hunchback with the coke bottle glasses... Just sayin'!

  2. That co-worker guy sounds a bit unabomber to me. Best you DIDN'T meet up IMHO. Plus your girlfriends are always going to know who your better off with than their MALE counterpart. ;)