Red Mango of Death

***Reader Beware: This blog does not have a happy ending***

So we take some time to get to know each other. Ok, a lot of time. And on almost everything, we share similar beliefs. Except when it comes to ice cream.

Now, those of you who read the Explosive blog understand why my recent lactose intolerance has made me wary of any activities including dairy. Yet I stand firm in my devotion to Rita's frozen custard and Italian ices. I have grown up at Carvel and Friendly's. And every break-up I endure, I can rely whole-heartedly on my two best friends, Ben & Jerry.

This guy is a big time fan of Ralph's and Red Mango, two places I've never been. I know what you're thinking: "How can you have skipped going to Ralph's your whole life???" The plain and simple answer is that I don't know. It just wasn't on my list of things to try. Now that I've had it, I can say that it's yummy. But it's still not Rita's.

As for Red Mango, I don't really class frozen yogurt as food. I mean, I eat yogurt for breakfast (or at least, I used to) but frozen? I don't really see the need. Why eat frozen yogurt when there's ice cream in the world? It just makes no sense to me.

Yet he insists I'm gonna love it so off to Red Mango we head. I know that there are several in NYC but apparently, they are now opening up on Long Island, so we don't even have to travel that far. I am shocked when there is a line out the door and down the block for this stuff. Looks promising! Maybe I've been wrong all these years and frozen yogurt holds the key to my future?

We go in and wait behind about a hundred teens and twenty somethings, all of whom I feel older than (and my date feels ancient.) I know that technically I am still twenty-something (29 counts, dammit!!!) but I don't live in the age of Hollister or Abercrombie & Fitch. I don't know who Justin Bieber is or who won American Idol this season. I'm long past the age of subscribing to Tiger Beat and Seventeen magazines which means that I'm entering a new phase of my life. And possibly that I'm too old to order frozen yogurt.

Why are these kids even out at 10:00 on a Thursday night? Where the hell are all there parents?

Great, now I'm old AND grumpy.

But I digress.

He instructs me on how to properly order my Red Mango frozen yogurt, insisting that I start with Original and then pick a few toppings I want mixed in. Seeing that there are no rainbow sprinkles available for consumption, my optimism deflates slightly. I remain bold and choose Cinnamon Toast Crunch (yes, your favorite childhood cereal) and some Ghiradelli chocolate chips (for a grown up touch). He gets strawberries and Mochi.

*Mochi (Japanese: 餅) is a Japanese rice cake made of glutinous rice pounded into paste and molded into shape. ---Thanks Wikipedia!!!

Let's review, shall we? Glutinous rice pounded into a paste. Does this sound delicious to anyone else??? I think not.

Now I know that there are some serious Red Mango lovers out there and many of you may be offended by reading this post. I might lose some of your affections when I tell you that what I put in my mouth that night tasted like it should've been coming out instead of going in.

Here's a breakdown of our conversation:

ME: "It's sour."

HIM: "It's yogurt, not ice cream. It's supposed to be sour."

ME: "No, I mean it's really, REALLY sour."

HIM: "You're just used to sweet things. This'll grow on you. I promise."

ME: "I'm sorry, I don't think I can do it anymore. Maybe if I just eat the toppings around it."

HIM: "I feel bad. Do you want to order something else?"

ME: "No. Absolutely not. It's not even worth going in to save the chocolate chips. I'm done."

HIM: "I feel really awful. Can I take you to Dunkin Donuts instead?"

ME: "Yes please!!!"

We wound up walking over to Starbucks, where I washed the taste out of my mouth with a Passionfruit Iced Tea.

The moral to the story is this folks: I received an email from my date the next day which read...

So, I think you may not have liked red mango for a reason beyond the fact that it tasted awful. I was literally up all night with the worst stomach pains, cramps, queasiness, and discomfort you could possibly imagine. I slept until 1, and was woken up with the feeling that someone inflated my stomach with a air pump. I was doubled over all night, and couldn't lay down, stand, anything. I'm waiting at the doctor now, it still hasn't gone away hours later. I wonder if I got food poisoning or something from that desert?

I have a feeling we're crossing Red Mango off the list for good.