1) he was so drunk that he didn't even remember fighting
2) he was so pissed off he never wanted to hear from me again
3) he was so embarrassed by the way he treated me he assumed I never wanted to hear from him again
I waited until Monday to text him that I'd found his sunglasses in my bag. He replied that they were a cheap pair and I could throw them out if I wanted to. (My girlfriend suggested returning them shattered into a million little pieces to really get a message across but I was too hurt to be mean.) I asked him if we could please talk about what happened Saturday night and he promised to call me when he got home from work. True to his word, the phone rang at promptly nine pm.
He started out by saying "I really don't know where to begin. I realized after the fact that I had way more to drink than I should have. It's not an excuse for acting the way I did but the details of the night are kinda fuzzy. Maybe you could tell me your side of what happened and I can fill in the rest from there."
I explain to him everything that went on and how I was feeling. The crying, the sleepless night I spent at my friend's house, the unexpected shock of it all. He replies "Wow, that's so much worse than I remembered. I thought that I told you about the drugs, you got pissed off and walked away from me. I remember trying to kiss you and you wouldn't let me so I figured you never wanted to see or hear from me again."
I tell him the things he said to me that felt like getting punched in the heart. "Oh my God, Kim, I'm so sorry. I can't believe that those things came out of my mouth but if they did, they must've really hurt you. I hope you know that they're not things I ever would've said sober or meant in any way but that's not an excuse. If I said them, and I'm sure I did, I don't expect you to forgive me. That's just awful."
I ask him again if he would be willing to stop the drugs to pursue a relationship with me and he answers without hesitation "Of course. I've been falling for you from Day One and I never thought I'd meet somebody like you. You're amazing. Seriously. You're beautiful and smart and fun and I love what we have going on. I'd be an idiot to choose the drugs over you but you have to understand that they're part of who I am. I don't see anything wrong with it other than the fact that they're technically illegal. That aside, you deserve someone who's not going to treat you the way I did, drunk or not. Honestly, I believe in second chances but I totally don't deserve one right now. I know I lied to you which was awful but I felt myself getting so close to you that I got scared and I pushed you away. I don't think I can ever look at you the same again without feeling guilty for hurting you and making you cry. I don't think you can ever see me the way you did before all of this. I want to be with you but you deserve someone so much better than me."
Essentially, he claimed that he didn't deserve my forgiveness nor did he ever ask for it. I don't know looking back if I could've gotten over the lying, the drugs, or the way he spoke to me but the combination of all three makes it highly unlikely. I still have trouble believing that the man he turned into on Saturday night is the same guy who held my hand walking down the street, met my friends, made me laugh, sat through my shows, shared dinner and drinks with me, food shopped in the afternoon and waited up for me to text him when I got home every night just so he'd know I was safe. They hardly seem like the same person. But in the end, this is a part of him, a huge part of him, and that means that I have to let all of him go.
My heart is heavy even as I'm writing this post because I remember how happy I was with him for the short time it lasted. Perhaps I'm most sad for all the times we won't share together. All the memories we won't be making. All the joys left unfound. It was optimistic of me to believe that there was something special there but ultimately, I had no way to foresee this outcome. I can only hope that in the future, there will be someone just as wonderful, with all the amazing qualities I saw in Michael minus the down sides. While no one is perfect, myself included, I know what I can and can't live with. There are simply things that I'm unwilling to accept or settle for and as most of you have said "it's better to find out now than a few more weeks, months or years down the road." Who knows how long he could've hidden this for?
Some of you have asked me if I regret finding out now. This is a double edged sword. Part of me wishes he'd told me upfront (when I asked) so we could've avoided this level of heartbreak. Part of me wishes he'd never told me so we could've continued enjoying great times together. All of me wishes it wasn't an issue in the first place. And none of me wins.
Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010