Shit That Makes Me Crazy

The following message was copied and pasted from my online activity last night. It does not bode well for the menfolk who simply refuse to evolve. Here is my issue: men claim not to know what women want. Women are not the complicated algorithms men perceive us to be. We pretty much tell you everything we need and it's just up to you to listen. Can we be cryptic? Occasionally, of course. But I'm talking about when we sit there and SPELL IT OUT for you and you STILL don't pay attention. When we specifically ask (or, most often) tell you how to make us happy and you still sit there, bitching, whining, moaning and complaining that your woman makes no sense. Listen to me, men! I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Are you paying close attention? No, of course you're not but I'll tell you anyway. When your wife kindly asks you to take out the recycling on Tuesdays and you tell her she'll need to remind you again ON Tuesday, that is NOT being helpful and co-operative. You should know what day of the week it is. There are only seven of them to choose from and chances are you at least recognize which two comprise the weekend which narrows it down greatly. You almost definitely know Friday from Monday which leaves three days you can pick from. You've got a 33% chance of getting it right so GO FOR IT. Throw those plastics, metals, glass and newspaper out to the curb without your woman reminding you! She'll be grateful she doesn't have to treat you like a child and you'll be grateful she stopped "nagging" you to take the stupid recyclables out because you've already done it! It's a win / win!!!

The same goes for couples who are dating and perhaps not up to fighting over domestic chores but still in the getting to know you phase. I have been in enough relationships by now to know what I want, what I don't want and what drives me absolutely crazy! There are certain things that I'm willing to settle for and others that make me want to punch you in the head. I will admit that this is a two way street and am willing to listen to your cares, concerns, wants and needs as well. But when I tell you that THIS (insert pet peeve here) makes me insane and you continue to do (aforementioned obnoxious activity) please do not be surprised when I walk away! You brought it on yourself.

Exhibit A)

Smiley:hi

kimberlyspice:hi

Smiley:how r u

kimberlyspice:fine

Smiley:great

Smiley:what r u up 2 tonight

kimberlyspice:writing to you

Smiley:awww soo u pretty bored 2

kimberlyspice:no, i'm tired and need to go to bed

Smiley:awww ok

kimberlyspice:just waiting for the mint tea to kick in

Smiley:aww

kimberlyspice:can i be really picky for a minute?

Smiley:sure

Smiley:whats up

kimberlyspice:saying u instead of you seems like such a silly thing but girls REALLY appreciate when you don't abbreviate. it's the simplest little form of etiquette but it means a lot to us :-)

Smiley:oh i do apologize

kimberlyspice:no apology necessary

kimberlyspice:you didn't do anything wrong

Smiley:o ok thanx

kimberlyspice:it's just that guys don't always know what women want. felt like sharing a little insider secret with you

Smiley: sure definately

kimberlyspice:just to better your chances :-)

Smiley:thanx

Smiley:yes definately

kimberlyspice:same with thanks vs thanx

kimberlyspice:i know it's silly but every single woman i know says that it makes her crazy

Smiley:oooo thank u 4 the tip

kimberlyspice:you're welcome. i know it's hard out there

Smiley:it is hard

kimberlyspice:well silly as it may seem, spelling and grammar will get you into a girl's good graces pretty quickly

kimberlyspice:you'd be amazed at some of the awful messages we receive

kimberlyspice:politeness and proper english win you major bonus points!

Smiley: definately but i will change that

Smiley:are u looking 4 a man

kimberlyspice:as opposed to a woman? :-)

Smiley:no r u looking 2 date

kimberlyspice:yeah, i guess you could say that

Smiley:that is great

kimberlyspice:why is that great?

Smiley:bc we are both single

kimberlyspice:so are millions of other people, hence these sites are so popular!

Smiley:that is soo true

kimberlyspice:and why are you single?

Smiley:i havent met anyone substansial

Alright men, I'm gonna break it down for you. Here are the Top Eight reasons why this conversation SUCKED:

1) "hi" is a generic statement. It does not elicit any particular response nor does it show that you have even a hint of personality or creativity. I don't care what you say but make a statement!

2) "how are you" is a generic question. There are about a thousand things you can ask someone when first getting to know them that will lead you into an interesting, enlightening and fun conversation. This is possibly the worst opener ever.

3) "what's up" is the same bull shit as "how are you" because it means NOTHING. If you only have my attention for five minutes, is this really what you're going to start out with? I've already lost interest. There are hundreds upon hundreds of profiles online. Do something to make yours stand out. Same with initial greetings.

4) It's are, not r. To / too, not 2. You, not u. And for, not 4. What r u up 2? is not coherent English. If you can't be bothered to spell out a three letter word then I can't be bothered wasting energy and effort on you either.

5) Be polite and have some manners. I'm sure that your mother taught you not to speak with your mouth full and keep your elbows off the table. Would she be pleased to know that a dozen lines into a conversation with a woman you still haven't introduced yourself properly by name? It seems a bit rude when trying to get to know someone you may potentially date in the future if you only know to refer to them as bootylover_2000. Can you imagine bringing that gem home to your parents? "Mom, Dad, I'd like to you meet my boyfriend LuvDaBush." I think not. How about we just call him Bob?

6) Spelling and grammar count people. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. The first time you meet someone in person, you glean their level of intelligence, sense of humor and distinct personality from the way they speak. Wouldn't you want to present yourself as the most highly educated, confident, funny, sexy being that you are? Well the same is true for online dating. First impressions are lasting impressions so if I see that you're constantly taking shortcuts and misspelling words on a third grade reading level, I'm going to assume you're an idiot and I will continue my search for love elsewhere.

7) When a woman confesses to you something that drives her bonkers and you continue to repeat that action anyway, it is a sign of either disrespect or ignorance. Possibly both. Unless you want us thinking that you really are just that stupid and don't care enough to listen to our wishes, I'd suggest taking note when a woman is kind enough to point out how you can score more points with her. Most women would list "considerate" on their top ten list of highly desirable qualities in a mate. This means you!!!

8) Ask me about something personal, something unique, something special. Make me feel like you took two minutes out of your life to NOTICE something about me and only me. Let me know that you want to be talking to me because you find something about me interesting and not just because I have female anatomy.

Gentlemen, I hope that you've learned something here. If you have skipped ahead to the end of the blog, I'll recap with the Cliff's Notes version for you:

First impressions are lasting impressions. Make a good one.

Listen, pay attention and take notice of a woman when she's communicating something to you. You might be surprised at what you can learn.

Be polite, friendly, and use good manners. In an age of short cuts and inconsideration, the simplest gestures can mean the difference between her taking an interest in you or not.

Spell check people!!!

And finally, the recyclables go out on Tuesdays. *

*Please note: garbage night varies by town. Check your local listings for trash times near you!*

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010