Non-iversary

Today, September 21st, 2010 is my non-iversary. This means that today would have been seven years I was married to my (now ex) husband. Also nine years we've known each other. And exactly one year that we've been divorced. Yes, it's true. Some clerk in the county court's office stamped the divorce papers as FINAL on our wedding anniversary. Never let it be said that the government doesn't have a sense of humor!

Therefore, instead of celebrating our love with flowers and cake, my (now ex) husband and I are living very separate lives. He currently resides with his new girlfriend in Astoria (just one more reason to hate the place) and I am at this very moment, having a love affair with a Venti Chai Latte and a spinach feta pretzel. *Note to the readers: I order soy milk now. Can't risk another incident a la the Aussie milkshake in the park disaster! At least Barnes & Noble has a bathroom...*

My life has been transformed by all of the events leading up to this point. If I'd never met him, I never would have fallen in love, gotten married, fallen out of love, gotten divorced, started dating again and this project would not exist. Which would mean, dear readers, that you'd be stuck playing Farmville on your computers at work instead of catching up on this blog. No offense to your cranberries and pigs, but I sincerely appreciate those of you who are living vicariously through my dating disasters rather than harvesting right now. It's a cathartic sort of therapy for me, writing this all down, and it saves me from eating an entire box of Maison du Chocolat or impulse shopping at Nordstrom's (neither of which I can afford anyway!)

In light of the recent requests for you all to send normal men my way, the most frequently asked question I've gotten is "What kind of man are you looking for?" I have, thus far, discovered more things about men that I DON'T want than qualities that I do, but I've tried to create a list in the hopes of being somewhat helpful. Here goes:

I Don't Want:

Idiots who lie

Idiots who do drugs

Idiots who lie about doing drugs

Really short guys

Mama's boys

Meatheads

Men who think that Family Guy is a life philosophy

Guys who show up to a date with a contagious disease

Men who pick their nose on a first date

Guys who mention their "junk" at all

Men who fall for me and then run away cause they're scared of their own feelings

Guys who talk about money all the time, including telling me how much they've spent on dating me or how much they have in savings

Men with no concept of grammar, spelling, punctuation or the English language in general

Guys who share their entire sexual history on the first date

Men who can't afford $7 on mini golf or $4 on a cup of coffee

Guys with ADD

Men who are old enough to be my dad

Guys who are obsessed with their own neighborhoods, cars, sports teams, beer or anything else that occupies 90% of their brain activity leaving little or no room to process thoughts about the rest of the world

Men who are still married

Guys who's user names are (for example) DrSlam, EasyLover4U, BigPlaya, WherMyGirlzAt, DaLadiezLuvMe, SmartAss2000 or NerdFestGoer

Men who vomit and then attempt to kiss me

Guys who are clearly not over their ex'es

Men with hellfire and brimstone as their religious beliefs

Republicans

Ok, fine, I might be able to live with a Republican. Maybe.

Men I do want to date: (I have a feeling this will be a much shorter list)

Honest

Respectful

Trustworthy

Family oriented

As tall if not taller than me - 5'8 and up

Somewheres in my age range 28 - 36

Literate / Intelligent - preferably with some common sense

Good sense of humor

Kind / caring

Generous / Considerate / Thoughtful

Faithful

Affectionate

Responsible

Has friends, good manners, a sense of adventure, and goals for the future

Qualities that I'm not limiting:

I don't care if the man you're thinking of setting me up with has blonde hair, brown hair, black hair, red hair or no hair. Bald is the new black! I don't mind what color eyes he has, if he wears glasses, if he prefers jeans to khakis. I don't care what kind of car he drives (the Camaro was hot, I'm not gonna lie, but it's not necessary.) I've dated guys with Hondas and it doesn't bother me in the least. His education doesn't play much of a factor as long as he's not a total dumb ass and has mastered at least a basic grasp of the English language. Career and income aren't huge factors either as long as he can support himself and take me out for dinner every so often. I love guys who appreciate food as much as I do, though they don't have to be gourmet chefs. I'm super happy sharing a kitchen with someone who makes a delicious salad and can pour some yummy wine as with someone who whips up a five course meal from market fresh ingredients. A sense of personal fitness is great, I love walking / riding my bike / going to the gym occasionally but I don't need a man who works out every single day. That being said, I'd prefer not to date anyone with life threatening obesity. A man I can wrap my arms around, lay my head on his shoulder, snuggle into the curve of his neck, feel safe with...that'd be perfect.

I hope that this gives you a better idea of what I'm looking for. Perhaps you've got an idea of who to suggest for me. There's this man at work or someone you know from bowling league or a friend you never dated but is a really good guy. Alternatively, you are familiar with a booger picking, pint sized Republican who is still living with his wife and cannot tell the difference between "your" and "you're" and you'd like to set me up with him purely for the reading material. In that case, the other readers thank you tremendously. Anything to keep them off their Farmville.

Copyright Kimberly Spice 2010