$10

We meet at Eisenhower Park on a warm, sunny afternoon for a picnic and a round of mini golf. I brought good Italian deli meats, cheeses, bread, etc. I was all thoughtful with the basket and cups for soda and utensils...I put a lot of effort in is what I'm saying. I took care of food, he was in charge of entertainment, hence this was the perfect spot for both.

We get to the mini golf course which is $7 and he says "Oh, I only brought a 10. So I can pay for me and half of you."

Seriously???

Greetings

Ok, I don't usually do this but I have to say, this little gem was simply too good to pass up.

So there is some form of internet dating etiquette, right? An implied understanding that when you send someone a message online, it'll be short, sweet, personal and to the point. Maybe take into consideration some interest of yours or highlight a feature they noticed from your profile. Throw in a compliment or two. Ask an educated question. But it should not, under any circumstances be a form letter like this one. Happy Reading.

PS: Even if you skip all the sordid (read: boring) details of his ACTUAL email to me, please continue on to the bottom of the page to read my response. What? You're surprised I wrote back? OF COURSE I wrote back!!! Like I said, too good to pass up.

Hi There!

I am responding to your personal ad that you have posted. Your profile caught my attention and it would be great to know you better. A few words about myself. My name is Kevin, born and raised in  NY. My Nationality is Irish, German, Swedish and Russian. I’m a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer and enjoy what I do for a living. I’m very family oriented and I’m looking for an interesting professional lady that’s also family oriented as well. I’m a very nice person and want a girl that’s interested in meeting a wonderful man to build a future with and have as her boyfriend and husband down the road. I’ve got a good attitude and personality plus a good heart as well. I’m not interested in meeting a person that’s in to playing games or who likes the bad guys or jerks in this world. You don’t have to be a Jerk or a bad guy to get a lady or man in this world. When I’m not working some of the things I love doing includes watching movies on a Saturday night with popcorn or ice cream depending on how I’m feeling. Im a big fan of eating out and exploring different restraunts and eating places in the city. I’m a very big sports fan and some of my Favorite sports teams are the New York Mets, New York Rangers, New York Jets and New York Knicks as well. I’ve grown up with music and some of my favor it kind of music is Hip Hop, House, Raygee, R & B, Trance, Rock and Roll, Pop Rock as well.

Getting back to interests I enjoy dancing and getting it down every now and then and growing up as a child never liked dancing until my sister got married and then started enjoying it. When it’s a nice day there nothing better than biking around the park or exploring different towns and places or taking pictures with my digital camera and enjoy going paddle boating or row boating. In 1994 I was in a bowling league and did very well and enjoy playing pool, bowling and also visiting museums as well. So tell me what do you enjoy doing on your spare time when you’re not working? Do you have any brothers or sisters or any siblings? I’ve got 1 sister and 4 cousins and a brother in law and a niece as well. What is your nationality? Sometimes it’s hard on telling what a person’s nationality actually is. What places are you interested in hanging out at or exploring if any that is? Are you an animal love? Do you have any pets or animals of any kind? What kind of a person are you looking to meet and do you have a certain image of that person you’re interested in? Are you catholic and go to church and believe in god? I believe in god and know everything happens for a single reason in this world. Well for me I’m looking for someone that’s interesting, sexy, attractive, tall lady to meet get to know as a person become friends and develop in to a great relationship and let things happen as there meant to be. I’m hopping your interested in knowing me more because any lady would love to meet a great person as myself.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Kevin

Dear Kevin,

This was to date the most scripted, least personal email I think I've ever received. The barrage of questions comes across really flat and uninspired, like a watered down version of the Spanish inquisition (without the sexy accents.)


You want to know my nationality, my pets, my siblings, my hobbies, my education, my family, my work, my travels, what kind of partner I'm looking for and my beliefs in God??? I gave less information on every college and employment application I've ever written...combined.


Ask me all these things over a drink. Hell, ask me them over a lifetime! I now know more about you than I do about some of my closest friends. Not that I don't want to get to know everything about my partner - I do! I just don't want to know it all before the first date. 


Patience, dear man. Patience and time.


Also, spell check. Just saying.


~Kimberly

Crushed

Sigh... Alright, I know I said all that stuff about no pressure, no expectations, blah blah blah. But apparently I lied. Because tonight I broke the one cardinal rule of 100 Cups of Coffee dating:

Never get your hopes up.

I told you I had a crush on this guy. Doodle his name on my Trapper Keeper crush. Circle hearts around his initials crush. Practice my first name with his last name crush. Start picking out gifts for his birthday next month crush. And what happened? I got crushed.

Crush: One word. Two meanings.

Things started out alright. He's a performer and had a show on tonight. So I drove all the way to Staten Island to see him. Yes, that's right, I literally had to cross a bridge to hang out with this man. We're not talking about some doofball I met online here. We're talking about "friends" for a year and a half and I've been waiting around long enough. I wanted to see him. So I went. To Staten Freakin Island.

And if the toll on the Verrazano Bridge wasn't enough to scare me off, and Google maps getting me lost twice wasn't enough to scare me off, and the cover charge plus two drink minimum wasn't enough to scare me off, then nothing would. Right? Wrong.

The show was the show, not much to say. But afterwards, he drove home a very (and I do mean VERY) devoted fan who crossed half of Staten Island, by bus, on crutches, after being hit by a car to see his show. Obviously, I forgave this detour before our one-on-one time. The man got run over. I can't compete with that. And when dropping the poor dude off, my guy friend (still friends here) got out of the car, walked all the way around to get out the crutches before opening the passenger side door and helping the man up to his walkway. I was touched. Absolutely touched. I've always known he had a heart of gold but to see it in action...alright I'm getting mushy here, let's keep moving.

Long story short, we drove for what felt like ages to what was apparently the only diner on Staten Island open at midnight on a Wednesday. Order drinks and share appetizers. All fine. But when I tell you that the man did not look at me, actually look at me once the whole time we're talking, I would not be exaggerating. See, I made the mistake of putting my back to the tv. Where the Yankees / Red Sox game was on. You can see his predicament? Concentrate on the chick who travelled 37 miles to hang out with you OR watch Game 3 in the series. Somehow, I wasn't surprised I lost that match up.

Trying to make light of the situation, I teased him that I was just as much a baseball fan as any other New Yorker (if Staten Island can really be considered New York, or just an extension of New Jersey). I asked him if he thought A-Rod had a better ass than me? If Jeter is hotter even by guy standards? He didn't even take his eyes off the screen while saying, "Oh, I don't care about the game. I have ADD."

Crushed...

Pressure

I have a straight up crush on a guy. I mean, doodle his name on my Trapper Keeper kind of crush. We met a year and a half ago and have been just friends ever since. Seriously, friends. That's it. Until today, I didn't even know he thought of me as anything more than that. But this whole time in the back of my head, I just felt like there was something special about him, something memorable, something different. He stood out to me in a way most men don't (no offense). So we've made plans to meet up this week but before agreeing, he told me in no uncertain terms that he's in no way ready to make any sort of commitment. He has time for himself, his career and his family. Am I ok with that?

First of all, I said I liked you, I didn't say I wanted to start picking out china patterns and baby names.

Second of all, YES of course I'm ok with it. That answer, clear as day, hit me like a ton of bricks because it's not something I've ever experienced before. The Old Me would have whined and complained about him not having enough time for me, not making me a priority, not putting me first in his life. But let's get something straight: I am putting me first in my own life so you don't have to.

This is a big change for me. Huge. Would I eventually like to be settled down, in a comfy, secure, loving relationship? Of course, and I know I deserve nothing less. Which is why I am not settling for anything less. If and when it happens, I'll be thrilled. But in the meantime...

I'm having a blast playing Bubble Spinner. And staying up all night reading chick lit and eating ice cream. Calling my friends to hang out cause I actually have free time. Napping in the middle of the afternoon simply because I feel like it. Hogging all the covers. Having full control over the remote. Walking barefoot in the garden, getting ready for the tomato plants. Baking whatever kinds of cookies I want. This is not to say I couldn't do all (most, some, a few) of these things in a relationship, it's just that I've never really been single. Not EVER. It's scary sometimes and it's exciting sometimes and it's fun sometimes and it's intimidating sometimes (especially in couple-y groups) but I'm surviving it. Revelation...

On top of which, I really want to see this dating thing through to the end. I mean, I can't exactly say to every man who asks if I'm seeing anyone else, "Yes, about 100 other guys." Yet I'm sure that if Mr. Right does pop up during this whole experiment, I'll know and it'll all work out. The point is to eventually be with someone amazing, but I've taken sooooo much pressure off myself by not expecting EVERY single guy I meet to be that amazing man I picture. Think about it this way:

When you go into a job interview, you wear your best suit, bring your polished resume, prepared to sell this great company on why you're the perfect candidate for the position. You answer all their questions thoroughly, thoughtfully, and with a smile. You shake the person's hand, look them in the eye, practicing all your skills and manners and lessons learned. You've practically hung your name plate outside the office door without even landing the job. You're 30 seconds away from printing up business cards but wait just a second. Stop and think. What if you had 99 other interviews lined up after this one? What if you weren't unemployed, desperate to take the first paycheck someone offered you? What if you were in charge, able to compare who has better benefits, more vacation days available, a bigger salary, a better view from the window? Wouldn't you be far more likely to BREATHE during these meetings, taking it easy, taking things slowly, taking a ton of pressure off your poor, tired shoulders?

This is what dating is like for me now. It's like having the weights I've been carrying around taken from me and suddenly I'm freer, lighter, able to move around easier. When I was Single, (which is not a contagious disease people, you're not gonna catch it for crying out loud!!!) I put all these expectations on men to be that perfect person I wanted them to be. Projected all my future plans, my entire life's happiness onto them, usually before the first date! Who could live up to that??? Now, I'm more focused on becoming a perfect me and not expecting anything from anyone else. Cause if this one doesn't work out, I have 99 more interviews set up and plenty of resumes to hand out!

Thank you note

Just a conversation between a good old friend and I that I simply had to share. We were talking about how most everyone we try to date nowadays seems to be completely off their rockers. And he thanked me for writing this blog, reassuring him that men and women are equal in their insanity. For those of you who are still single (even at the ripe old age of 30) and feeling like I'm writing directly about your lives and experiences, please keep these notes coming. And for those of you who are happily (or not so happily) settled into your relationships, please feel free to adopt the smug position of superiority above those of us who are not yet coupled off. You might be reading these stories, grateful not to be in our shoes, but you know we have more fun than you 90% of the time!!!

HIM: I have to laugh at your blog. Not at you but at the fact that it is like reading my "date" stories through someone elses eyes. If there is one gift that God has given me it is the ability to choose the absolute wrong person who will no doubt be crazy, break my heart, and then stalk me.....lol

I see you have had some of the same luck. I will agree that yes, there is a difference between faith and "fire and brimstone." Yes, only a jackass would not mention that they do not eat one single thing at a chinese/japanese restaurant. No, "I like your wide hips" is not the comment to use when first meeting a woman. :-)

Definately keep writing your blog. It makes me think that I am not as crazy as I thought....lol

ME: I'm telling you, men are just as psycho as women when it comes to dating and break ups. I was listening to this radio show tonight (that my blog will hopefully be featured on in the very near future) and the guy who was hosting the show got a phone call from this "ex girlfriend" who accused him of all sorts of ridiculous things. Said he went to Wendy's one night and didn't offer to bring her anything back. Never called when she was sick (with a cold...for ONE day). Didn't take her to see The Lion King in NYC. Etc etc. Turns out, they'd been on TWO dates (read: hooked up mildly) and she went bananas. Certifiably nuts. And then was shocked when he stopped calling.

I was like, HELLO, YOU'RE CRAZY!!!

Anywho, men out there haven't got a clue what they're doing. I really miss when you could just pass a note to someone in the hallway saying "Do you like me? Check yes or no." And poof! You're going out. None of this drama, heartbreak, insanity. Maybe I'm being overly wistful here. But I really appreciate the comments about the blog. I have heard from sooooo many people that I'm writing about their lives, that they've had similar experiences. Which is why I know I have to keep writing. As much as it's torture trying to find 100 men who aren't complete and total creeps. I can only hope it'll be worth it!

Victoria's Secret

Due to the sad state of the economy and the even sadder state of my wallet, I have had to curb my shopping habits. Not that I'm a full blown shopaholic, mind you, and I certainly don't have expensive taste when it comes to anything but books. But we all need a few essentials now and then and today, I needed underwear. Again, nothing too fancy (Frederick's of Hollywood is for "that" side of things.) Just simple, plain, cotton bikinis in neutral colors. Why is this an issue? Because when I walk in, the girl up front greets me and says all the "plain" panties are in the way back. Where I suddenly spot an incredibly cute boy.

Dilemma.

Do I pretend to be interested in the silky, satiny, lacy little things that barely cover my ass and itch to high heaven? Or do I stick with plan A and let appearances be damned? Well, ask me a month ago and I would've feigned adoration for the "sexy little numbers" with tiny heart patterns and rhinestones on them. But in my older and wiser years (29 soon, bleck!) I have thrown other people's opinions of me out the proverbial window. I strode up to the "Essentials" table with all the confidence in the world.

That's when he said, "Can I help you find anything?" Oh crap. Cute boy works here.

Shaking off my sudden self-awareness, I told him politely that I was post-break-up and looking for all new underwear, nothing sophisticated, in a range of colors, size extra large. Yes, I did want to hide under the table and die, just a little bit. But we've already established that I am no size 2, I am a healthy 12 and with these "wide hips" (see previous blog for reference) I needed an extra large. There was no getting around it. I figured if I was already going for cotton, I might as well be comfortable in them.

Do you know that boy didn't even flinch? He didn't make a face at my size (as being in that store, as so many others, can make even a normal sized girl feel fat). He just went about asking what colors I'd like, did I want another black one, did I know about the sale... And at this point I'm staring. Like legitimately staring at him cause I realize just how gorgeous he is. Floppy, jet black curls framing his sun-kissed face. Excellent body even under the head to toe black button down shirt and slacks he has to wear. Strong hands picking up underwear that will be covering my most private parts later... it's all too much to bear. I have to say something.

"So your girlfriend doesn't mind you working in Victoria's Secret? Helping other women pick out things like this?" He gives me this shy, slow sort of smile. "Nope. Don't have a girlfriend. But I'm 18 and I've seen my share of panties."

18????? Did I just become a Cougar???

I smile back, thank him, pay the cashier, and run like hell out of the mall, all the while thinking that's probably the best employee Victoria's Secret has ever hired.

Actual Letter

So I thought I'd post an actual letter from a guy who contacted me...just so y'all can see what exactly I'm up against!!!

"hey How are you doing ? Well I hope great I am a great nice an warm guy,well from what i am told anyway lol J/K I am a real down to earth guy that knows what he wants an loves to be the one that is making someone smile an feels great. I am Sean Bye the way! I am From Bridgeport well the line of trumbull an Bridgeport anyway i am 30 yrs old I was in the army for 6yrs an now that i am out an working i am looking for a great women to spend time with. I am A Gentleman if you are looking for that. (hint hint) lol Well If you want to chat somemore write back an lets talk. good to meet you."

Shit you not. Word for word. Now who wants to find me a REAL date???

Fire & Brimstone

Alright, I signed up for yet another new dating site, which puts me at 5 right now (you wanted to know where I'm meeting these guys). Well, this dude emailed me to say that he noticed on my profile that I was Christian and asked how serious I was about my faith.

I'm Lutheran. For those of you who don't know, Lutheran is like Catholic Light. All the faith, half the guilt. You've heard of Jewish guilt. You've heard of Catholic guilt. But you've never heard of Lutheran guilt. There are exceptions to this rule. Reasons for Lutheran guilt: not singing a 4 part harmony during all of our 12 hymns on a Sunday service. Not bringing a home made dish to yet another potluck dinner. Failing to sign your kids up for basketball or LYO. Making your mother give you dirty looks during the sermon for squirming in your seat or talking to the girls in the pew behind you. That's about it. Lutherans are all about love, mercy and social ministry. Communing with God, but even more so, with each other. It's a fun, family, friendly environment where all are welcome to worship and come for drinks afterwards.

Well this guy is a Pentecostal. I'm talking Book of Revelations type stuff. Fire and brimstone. Hell and damnation. Condemning our souls to an eternity of misery for being selfish sinners and repenting in the eyes of the Lord. Why am I giving you this religious education? Because I told him that while I believe everyone is free to practice whatever they choose, Pentecostal is the only kind of Christianity that scares the bejeezus out of me (pardon the pun). Here is his exact response:

Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with "hellfire and brimstone" preaching. The message is basic: admit you are a sinner, confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, ask Him to come into your heart to save you and forgive you of your sins and live your life striving to learn more about Him and have a relationship with Him or....hellfire and brimstone. We were all condemned to hell, but by His blood we are saved! I understand this type of preaching is fear-mongering and dramatic, but the choice is simple. If you believe in Him and earnestly accept Him as your Lord and Savior, He will work mightily in your life. To have His love, His grace and His peace is worth more than anything!!!!!!!

If you want to check-out a sermon from my church: http://www.liquidchurch.com

In answer to your question, no, I'm not even MEETING this one in person. I like my coffee with a little more sugar and a little less hellfire, thank you very much.

Spread Sheet

How thoughtful!!! I walk into Starbucks and he's already ordered my Venti Chai Tea Latte and rainbow cookie for me, without even having to ask. I'm so impressed by him remembering my standard Starbucks order, I feel the need to mention this. He blushes and says he wrote it down. He wrote down my go-to order? When? It came up during one of our "chats" and he simply took note of it. Ok, harmless enough. Considerate even. But then I start wondering what else he remembered. Aka, wrote down. He blushes and opens up the laptop he'd been typing on when I arrived. Tells me he kept track of all sorts of things I said. Flowers I love (sunflowers, daisies), food I love (anything with melted cheese), books I've read (mostly chick lit). He's even got a separate list on there titled "NO". Flowers I hate (red roses and carnations), food I hate (peppers of death), books I hate (Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World). He has a list called "Possible Date Ideas" and places to take me (beyond Starbucks of course) which includes whale watching and a casino. There are tabs, categories, lists... my entire life, the whole history of our chats and conversations in the form of a spread sheet!!!!! Please tell me, should I be flattered??? Or scared???

Sushi

He's a really good writer. The kind of guy that sends emails straight to your heart. He says things that make me think, make me feel laugh, make me happy. Make me want to meet him.

So meet we must, and he tells me to pick the place. It's a simple afternoon meeting, casual yet fun so I choose my favorite Japanese restaurant where every day until 4 pm is half price sushi. Now, I'm not the hard core sushi lover some of you are. I can't pull off eel, squid, octopus, or (heaven forbid) sea urchin. I'm way tamer. I like cooked things. Ok, yes, I know that defeats the point of sushi in general, but I'm sorry, so NOT interested in putting raw fish in my mouth. Ew. What is this? Survivor Island???

I digress.

We get to the restaurant with the typical lunch crowd. A few ladies. Some couples. Too many waiters being overly attentive to the level of your water glass. I order us both green tea with extra sugar. He pores over the menu, seeming suddenly uncomfortable. This place serves Chinese AND Japanese food, which online he said he loved, but now I fear the choices are overwhelming for him. Poor kid. I try to make conversation, make a few jokes, but he's seriously staring down the menu and visibly shaking. I ask if everything's ok, what would he like to eat. He tells me he's tired of ordering the same thing all the time, it's boring and he wants to change. Asks if I can please order for both of us. He'd like to try something new.

The adventurous type. I like that.

So I order a shrimp roll, a crab roll, a cucumber roll and some wontons. (Let's face it, everybody likes wontons!!!) He's witty and jovial until the food arrives. And there it is. The unmistakable look of sheer terror. I ask him *again* if everything is ok and did he want something else but he says no, he wants to try the food, he's just never eaten anything like it before. (This is modern America and he is 30 years old, but I'm trying not to judge.) So I pick up my chopsticks and he his fork (I know, I know) and we both choose to start with the cucumber roll. I down mine with a little soy sauce in one fell swoop but he tries to bite the poor little sushi piece in half and most of it ends up falling onto the plate. He chews...and he chews...and he chews... and he swallows. And by swallows, I mean chokes / gags / gulps the half a piece of food washed down by a big slurp of water.

I smile beatifically at him. He covers his mouth and runs to the bathroom.

I have time to finish pretty much all of the sushi (and some of the wontons) before he makes his way back from the men's room, pale and shaking. (What? Like you wouldn't have eaten your lunch? I was hungry and he wasn't gonna finish it!!!) Like a true gentleman, he offers to pay the check, which I politely refuse since he didn't eat anything and again *again* I ask if he's ok.

Turns out he has a "weak stomach" and never eats more than a plain salad, plain hamburger, plain chicken breast with nothing, and I mean nothing on it. Drinks water. That's it. So the tea and the fish and most of all the seaweed sent him over the edge and right into Pukesville. Would you not have thought he'd mention this when I picked the restaurant? Like, "Hey, by the way, I don't really eat much of anything, ever, so sticking with a simple cup of coffee woulda been a better way to go." Nope, I had no warning, no hint of disaster yet to come. But all I could think while eating all of that delicious food alone, waiting for him to finish wretching his guts up and come out of the bathroom, is that it would be really hard, nay impossible, to be with someone who has no real taste for food.

We walk outside and head towards the cars. He says he knows the date didn't go perfectly, but asks if he could kiss me anyway.

Um. No. Cause...Ew!!!