Pressure

I have a straight up crush on a guy. I mean, doodle his name on my Trapper Keeper kind of crush. We met a year and a half ago and have been just friends ever since. Seriously, friends. That's it. Until today, I didn't even know he thought of me as anything more than that. But this whole time in the back of my head, I just felt like there was something special about him, something memorable, something different. He stood out to me in a way most men don't (no offense). So we've made plans to meet up this week but before agreeing, he told me in no uncertain terms that he's in no way ready to make any sort of commitment. He has time for himself, his career and his family. Am I ok with that?

First of all, I said I liked you, I didn't say I wanted to start picking out china patterns and baby names.

Second of all, YES of course I'm ok with it. That answer, clear as day, hit me like a ton of bricks because it's not something I've ever experienced before. The Old Me would have whined and complained about him not having enough time for me, not making me a priority, not putting me first in his life. But let's get something straight: I am putting me first in my own life so you don't have to.

This is a big change for me. Huge. Would I eventually like to be settled down, in a comfy, secure, loving relationship? Of course, and I know I deserve nothing less. Which is why I am not settling for anything less. If and when it happens, I'll be thrilled. But in the meantime...

I'm having a blast playing Bubble Spinner. And staying up all night reading chick lit and eating ice cream. Calling my friends to hang out cause I actually have free time. Napping in the middle of the afternoon simply because I feel like it. Hogging all the covers. Having full control over the remote. Walking barefoot in the garden, getting ready for the tomato plants. Baking whatever kinds of cookies I want. This is not to say I couldn't do all (most, some, a few) of these things in a relationship, it's just that I've never really been single. Not EVER. It's scary sometimes and it's exciting sometimes and it's fun sometimes and it's intimidating sometimes (especially in couple-y groups) but I'm surviving it. Revelation...

On top of which, I really want to see this dating thing through to the end. I mean, I can't exactly say to every man who asks if I'm seeing anyone else, "Yes, about 100 other guys." Yet I'm sure that if Mr. Right does pop up during this whole experiment, I'll know and it'll all work out. The point is to eventually be with someone amazing, but I've taken sooooo much pressure off myself by not expecting EVERY single guy I meet to be that amazing man I picture. Think about it this way:

When you go into a job interview, you wear your best suit, bring your polished resume, prepared to sell this great company on why you're the perfect candidate for the position. You answer all their questions thoroughly, thoughtfully, and with a smile. You shake the person's hand, look them in the eye, practicing all your skills and manners and lessons learned. You've practically hung your name plate outside the office door without even landing the job. You're 30 seconds away from printing up business cards but wait just a second. Stop and think. What if you had 99 other interviews lined up after this one? What if you weren't unemployed, desperate to take the first paycheck someone offered you? What if you were in charge, able to compare who has better benefits, more vacation days available, a bigger salary, a better view from the window? Wouldn't you be far more likely to BREATHE during these meetings, taking it easy, taking things slowly, taking a ton of pressure off your poor, tired shoulders?

This is what dating is like for me now. It's like having the weights I've been carrying around taken from me and suddenly I'm freer, lighter, able to move around easier. When I was Single, (which is not a contagious disease people, you're not gonna catch it for crying out loud!!!) I put all these expectations on men to be that perfect person I wanted them to be. Projected all my future plans, my entire life's happiness onto them, usually before the first date! Who could live up to that??? Now, I'm more focused on becoming a perfect me and not expecting anything from anyone else. Cause if this one doesn't work out, I have 99 more interviews set up and plenty of resumes to hand out!